When you perfer the mistress over the wife

jimmenycricket

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When Green says he is not happy having to step out of the relationship, but sex isn't enough for him, I am a bit taken back. Mostly,because now he is sleeping with 4 woman, including his wife, it means he is having sex mostly every day. This borders on sex addiction, no? I could understand having a relationship on the side, but 3. This is not just lack of sex causing this.
 

molotovmuffin

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Your first paragraph makes no sense. I never said I told her I was having sex with any else. I'm not understanding "lying to her about your cheating".

Omitting facts is the same as lying. You're a waste of time and I can see why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Enjoy your divorce.:mad:
 

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It seems to me that some people use the threat of divorce as the medieval fruitcakes used to use the fire and brimstone of hell. To me, this threat makes the institution not worth having in the first place.

Green, I have been trying to discuss similar issues on this board for years. Relationships are often grey, yet your US culture seems to want to see things in black and white. I can empathise why you are having problems dealing with what seems right for you and the prevailing pretence about relationships in your country.

Bottom line is that there is infidelity in 80% of marriages, so you are in the majority here. These are the official US gov figures btw.

I wouldn't discuss it with your wife, but I would consider not having a mistress, unless you are absolutely sure that she is happy where she is, and sticking to the casual encounters. Affairs very seldom last more than a few years, your marriage and happiness within it will last a lot longer if what you say about your love for your wife is deep.
 

aninnymouse

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It seems to me that some people use the threat of divorce as the medieval fruitcakes used to use the fire and brimstone of hell. To me, this threat makes the institution not worth having in the first place.

Green, I have been trying to discuss similar issues on this board for years. Relationships are often grey, yet your US culture seems to want to see things in black and white. I can empathise why you are having problems dealing with what seems right for you and the prevailing pretence about relationships in your country.

Bottom line is that there is infidelity in 80% of marriages, so you are in the majority here. These are the official US gov figures btw.

I wouldn't discuss it with your wife, but I would consider not having a mistress, unless you are absolutely sure that she is happy where she is, and sticking to the casual encounters. Affairs very seldom last more than a few years, your marriage and happiness within it will last a lot longer if what you say about your love for your wife is deep.

So, basically, it's OK because everyone does it.....

Epic fail, dude.


Personally, I don't know, color me naive, or old fashioned or what ever, but I put a lot of stock in communicating as a couple. If there's something that's not working, you talk with your partner about it. And make the according adjustments. OK, if she's not wanting to have sex with you more than once a week, if that, then what's going on? Is she just not feeling you sexually any more? Is she having an affair of her own? What is going on?

You say she's never taken you seriously when you've talked about having sex with someone else? Well, call her bluff. TALK to her. Don't accuse. Even tell her that this is how it is, and how it's going to be. See if the both of you can live in a sexless marriage. If you can, and she knows you've got a mistress, and is ok with it, or can tolerate it, then go for it. Otherwise, you are better off either going your seperate ways, or simply being longtime companions.

I'm just curious, outside of sex and the bedroom, what's intimacy like in your relationship? I mean, little things. Displays of affection. Hand holding, cuddling on the couch while watching tv or movies, etc. Because, if that's not there, you may be better off being simple companions.

I don't judge, simply because there are millions of ways to go about a relationship, so, if it works for both parties, knock yourself out....but, this, it just seems like a recipe for a lot of people getting hurt.
 

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Omitting facts is the same as lying. You're a waste of time and I can see why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Enjoy your divorce.:mad:
That's funny coming from a person who has admitted she is a side piece. What's the matter, you were dumped by a husband you fell in love with, screw you bitch>:biggrin1:
 

green26

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I'm not going to offer advice, as I have none, or debate with you whether or not you've been deceitful or not. I'm just curious, how do you manage to keep all four of these women happy with you? It just seems like it would take a lot of free time just to maintain all these relationships. Guys with just one mistress have to devote a lot of time to the outside relationship, and you've got three on the side? How does your wife not notice? Does't it concern you that one of these women could be a wild card and end up telling your wife?

Those aren't rhetorical questions. I'm genuinely curious.
As I said, its about time and opportunity. I am retired, have my own business so time isn't an issue. As far as keeping the ladies happy, they seem content with the arrangement. They have their own issues to deal with, no stress for any of us, if it happens, it happens, everybody is happy with that, at least for the time being. She doesn't notice because I don't give her any reason to notice, perhaps she knows something. If she does, she hasn't said anything to me about it. Of course one of them can become a "wild card" and inform my wife, but they have something to lose as well. I have history with all three of them, I wouldn't out them and I don't give them a reason to out me.
 

green26

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i hope when she finds out she leaves you with nothing, no access to your children, no house, no savings nothing!!!!
Perhaps that will happen, perhaps it won't. You can hope all you want, then you can jump over a bridge and die slowly punk
 

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When Green says he is not happy having to step out of the relationship, but sex isn't enough for him, I am a bit taken back. Mostly,because now he is sleeping with 4 woman, including his wife, it means he is having sex mostly every day. This borders on sex addiction, no? I could understand having a relationship on the side, but 3. This is not just lack of sex causing this.
No, I am not having sex every day, don't want to do that. I just want to have sex on a regular basis, is that a bad thing?
 

green26

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It seems to me that some people use the threat of divorce as the medieval fruitcakes used to use the fire and brimstone of hell. To me, this threat makes the institution not worth having in the first place.

Green, I have been trying to discuss similar issues on this board for years. Relationships are often grey, yet your US culture seems to want to see things in black and white. I can empathise why you are having problems dealing with what seems right for you and the prevailing pretence about relationships in your country.

Bottom line is that there is infidelity in 80% of marriages, so you are in the majority here. These are the official US gov figures btw.

I wouldn't discuss it with your wife, but I would consider not having a mistress, unless you are absolutely sure that she is happy where she is, and sticking to the casual encounters. Affairs very seldom last more than a few years, your marriage and happiness within it will last a lot longer if what you say about your love for your wife is deep.
I appreciate your feedback, and advice. I do feel guilty at times about being involved with other women, but I am only human and I want to enjoy sex. If that makes me a bad person, well I will live with that.
 

green26

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So, basically, it's OK because everyone does it.....

Epic fail, dude.


Personally, I don't know, color me naive, or old fashioned or what ever, but I put a lot of stock in communicating as a couple. If there's something that's not working, you talk with your partner about it. And make the according adjustments. OK, if she's not wanting to have sex with you more than once a week, if that, then what's going on? Is she just not feeling you sexually any more? Is she having an affair of her own? What is going on?

You say she's never taken you seriously when you've talked about having sex with someone else? Well, call her bluff. TALK to her. Don't accuse. Even tell her that this is how it is, and how it's going to be. See if the both of you can live in a sexless marriage. If you can, and she knows you've got a mistress, and is ok with it, or can tolerate it, then go for it. Otherwise, you are better off either going your seperate ways, or simply being longtime companions.

I'm just curious, outside of sex and the bedroom, what's intimacy like in your relationship? I mean, little things. Displays of affection. Hand holding, cuddling on the couch while watching tv or movies, etc. Because, if that's not there, you may be better off being simple companions.

I don't judge, simply because there are millions of ways to go about a relationship, so, if it works for both parties, knock yourself out....but, this, it just seems like a recipe for a lot of people getting hurt.
I have said in this thread repeatedly that I have spoken to my wife about the lack of sex. Other than that, our relationship is solid on every level.
 

Drifterwood

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So, basically, it's OK because everyone does it.....

Epic fail, dude.

Actually, my opinion is that the failure of epic proportions is yours.

You fail to deal with the reality and ask yourself why that is the reality. You prefer to live with a pretence and accept that there is some perfect little world that would always exist if only we could just sit down and communicate.

She has clearly communicated her lack of desire for sex with her husband without talking about it, he understands that, maybe she will understand that he has resolved his need for sex when he stops talking to her about it.

Fully communicated with no discussions.
 

ManlyBanisters

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I really don't think this is as black and white as some people would like it to be.

So I get it, be truthfully, tell the wife and end the marriage, okay. I don't think that is what I will do but thanks for the feedback,:cool:

Are you really sure that telling her would end the marriage? Because in other posts you seem to be of the opinion that, on some level, she knows.

Oh come on people, Mrs Green is described as a smart, successful woman and they've been married for a fair time. She must know him pretty well. I doubt his infidelity is completely un-noticed.

That's a fair point. I've heard of more than one relationship where the 'cheated on' partner was happy with the illusion that there was no affair while accepting that there was in fact an affair. That is something I can't really understand but it certainly happens.

I did mention she doesn't care because if she did care, she would have sex more often with me. I have made it very clear how important sex is to me, what part of telling her for years you missed?

Sex is important to you and you have needs - sexual satisfaction, while not a basic human right, I guess, is something a person is not unreasonable to expect from a relationship. However, I don't think your attitude to the solution is reasonable. 'If she cared she'd have sex with me more often' - when you say that you are saying that your sexual needs are more important than hers. I think that's why a lot of people are getting down on you. Her needs and wants and your needs and wants are of equal importance. She should not have sex she doesn't want just to keep you happy, any more than you should have sex you don't want to keep her happy. The thing is, there is no cut and dry solution inside monogamy for one partner needing more sex than the other. If sex is not somehow emotionally or physically painful for her she could compromise and see how giving a little more works, and you could compromise and see how, for example, you get by on twice a week instead of once a week. Compromise. Was that suggested when you talked and ended up not working out? Failing that, each person in your situation has to make the decision whether keeping the relationship monogamous is more or less important than keeping both partners' sexual needs met. And that is where being upfront with your wife comes in - that is why people are getting on your case, because you have excluded her from the decision.

You make the point that she excluded you from her decision to have sex less often. It's a fair point, but you haven't really said anything about what she says when you talk about you needing more. Does she say 'yes, dear - we'll fuck more'? Does she say, 'I don't like sex that much any more'? Does she say anything about why or how her needs have changed? Does she make promises she doesn't keep?

Getting back to your actual OP, you are now in a position where you don't really feel the need / want to have the 4 time or less per month sex with your wife, right? So you were asking what to do about that. Well, you seem to have taken the decision that keeping your wife in the dark about these affairs is the right thing for you, so I won't bother debating that. The thing is, you have landed yourself in a spot - if you stop having sex with her entirely she will notice and wonder why you went from asking for more sex to not wanting any. There is only one obvious answer to that - like Mark noted, she's clearly not stupid. That leaves you in a position of keeping having sex with her when the opportunity arises to keep up your subterfuge. I can see no other option.

Either that or change your tactic of keeping her in the dark about the affairs. Personally I'd be in favour of that, but you've already rejected it and anyway, we're not talking about me.

i hope when she finds out she leaves you with nothing, no access to your children, no house, no savings nothing!!!!

That is uncalled for.
 
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ManlyBanisters

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She should not have sex she doesn't want just to keep you happy, any more than you should have sex you don't want to keep her happy.

you are now in a position where you don't really feel the need / want to have the 4 time or less per month sex with your wife, right? [...] That leaves you in a position of keeping having sex with her when the opportunity arises to keep up your subterfuge. I can see no other option.

By the way - I totally see the apparent double standard in these two parts of my own post. The OP has chosen a route to sexual satisfaction that requires an illusion of his former monogamous marriage continuing - one of the requirements to keep that illusion going is that he continues having sex with his wife. He could, of course, phase it out over a year or so but a sudden stop in all sexual activity would threaten the illusion.

It is not a good thing for him that he's in a situation where he's having sex he doesn't really want to have - but he is in control of that situation and it is of his own making.
 

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I really don't think this is as black and white as some people would like it to be.



Are you really sure that telling her would end the marriage? Because in other posts you seem to be of the opinion that, on some level, she knows.



That's a fair point. I've heard of more than one relationship where the 'cheated on' partner was happy with the illusion that there was no affair while accepting that there was in fact an affair. That is something I can't really understand but it certainly happens.



Sex is important to you and you have needs - sexual satisfaction, while not a basic human right, I guess, is something a person is not unreasonable to expect from a relationship. However, I don't think your attitude to the solution is reasonable. 'If she cared she'd have sex with me more often' - when you say that you are saying that your sexual needs are more important than hers. I think that's why a lot of people are getting down on you. Her needs and wants and your needs and wants are of equal importance. She should not have sex she doesn't want just to keep you happy, any more than you should have sex you don't want to keep her happy. The thing is, there is no cut and dry solution inside monogamy for one partner needing more sex than the other. If sex is not somehow emotionally or physically painful for her she could compromise and see how giving a little more works, and you could compromise and see how, for example, you get by on twice a week instead of once a week. Compromise. Was that suggested when you talked and ended up not working out? Failing that, each person in your situation has to make the decision whether keeping the relationship monogamous is more or less important than keeping both partners' sexual needs met. And that is where being upfront with your wife comes in - that is why people are getting on your case, because you have excluded her from the decision.

You make the point that she excluded you from her decision to have sex less often. It's a fair point, but you haven't really said anything about what she says when you talk about you needing more. Does she say 'yes, dear - we'll fuck more'? Does she say, 'I don't like sex that much any more'? Does she say anything about why or how her needs have changed? Does she make promises she doesn't keep?

Getting back to your actual OP, you are now in a position where you don't really feel the need / want to have the 4 time or less per month sex with your wife, right? So you were asking what to do about that. Well, you seem to have taken the decision that keeping your wife in the dark about these affairs is the right thing for you, so I won't bother debating that. The thing is, you have landed yourself in a spot - if you stop having sex with her entirely she will notice and wonder why you went from asking for more sex to not wanting any. There is only one obvious answer to that - like Mark noted, she's clearly not stupid. That leaves you in a position of keeping having sex with her when the opportunity arises to keep up your subterfuge. I can see no other option.

Either that or change your tactic of keeping her in the dark about the affairs. Personally I'd be in favour of that, but you've already rejected it and anyway, we're not talking about me.



That is uncalled for.
The first part was a response to some of the post I received. I was just being sarcastic. I haven't said anything about her knowing about my affairs. If she does indeed know, she hasn't mentioned it to me. Where have I said anything about my sexual needs being more important than hers? I disagree with your point about her having sex to "keep me happy". Isn't that part of a relationship? I have had sex with a partner when I wasn't in the mood to keep her happy, and I made sure she didn't know that I wasn't in the mood. That is what compromise is all about. I cannot stress and really at this point won't stress any further that I have told her I am not satisfied with the present situation. She has said numerous times that she understands, but it has not changed. I have not excluded her from the decision, she has excluded me by withholding sex. I have said that I will seek it from other females. What more can I say or do? My original post said that I enjoy sex more with my "main" mistress at this point in time. Thats because she seems to want it more. I don't think sex is more physical, I believe it is more mental, at least to me. I am not going to confess anything to her, that is out of the question. Why should I do that, to hurt her? Nope, not happening, I would dump the other women in a heartbeat if my wife would sex me up more. Two to four times a month just in not enough for me, bottom line.
 
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green26

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One point I should make clear, I don't mind peoples opinions, advice, comments, or criticism, but one thing I won't tolerate is disrespect. If you come at me the wrong way, I will go for your throat, as long as we are clear about that. I've been a member of this group for a long time, I have expressed my opinions on numerous threads but I have never disrespected anyone doing it. Its not what you say, its how you say it, now back to your regular scheduled programming.
 
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One point I should make clear, I don't mind peoples opinions, advice, comments, or criticism, but one thing I won't tolerate is disrespect. If you come at me the wrong way, I will go for your throat, as long as we are clear about that. I've been a member of this group for a long time, I have expressed my opinions on numerous threads but I have never disrespected anyone doing it. Its not what you say, its how you say it, now back to your regular scheduled programming.
You have not gone into any great detail on what led to this breakdown. Why? You want honest answers? You want respect?
 
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green26

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You have not gone into any great detail on what led to this breakdown. Why? You want honest answers? You want respect?
What great detail, if I had "great detail" I would have been able to work it out. I can deal with what people think are "honest answers", I won't tolerate disrespect, I will go for the throat if I feel disrespected in any way.