Where shall I go, what shall I do?

[Principessa]

As many of your know from previous posts and my blog I have lived with depression and anxiety for quite sometime. Unfortunately with out even realizing it I started to withdraw from society, friends, and family. By the time I realized this, maybe 2 years ago I was too depressed to care that people had stopped calling me to go out and I had less than a handful of people to talk to on the phone.

I became very non-verbal even at work. Then I started just e-mailing my cross-country friends and only talking to 3 people on the phone. My mom, my friend Lora and my friend Carlo. At my worst I wouldn't even check my e-mail, I found the spam and ads from catalogs I actually shopped overwhelming. I just texted people from my cell phone because I couldn't bear to get off the sofa or out of bed. :frown1:

I've recently completed a deceptively intense 6 week, 5 hour a day, group therapy program for adults with depression and anxiety. I am by no means cured; however I do feel somewhat better equipped to face the world.

As you may recall, I re-located to Georgia in June so I am in a totally new environment. I guess what I need to do is just get a j-o-b. My therapist agrees, I am not quite ready to jump headlong into a high stress career like I had before. I guess I have 3 goals: to make friends, find a job, and to date.

I have been so withdrawn from society and friends for so long, I don't know how to get back into the swing of things. Where do I start? What do I do?

njqt466

 

[Drifterwood]

These are just the thoughts of a well meaning amateur.

Slowly and step by step. A one on one dinner out with someone you like with food you like. If you expand from here for a while with things you know you like before eventually doing something that may be out of your comfort zone. Then hopefully you will surprise yourself.

I am reclusive at times - there's nothing wrong with that per se - you need to find the right balance for you.

Good luck.

 

[tiggerpoo]

Dear njqt466

How surprized I am to read that you have been depressed because I have read many of you posts in LPSG and generally I think you have great comments, vivid clarity and are extremely lucid. And I thought just the opposite of you.

From the posts you have made I can see that you're a great person and although I don't know how to advise you to re-kindle your life my heartfelt wishes go out to you. I agree with drifterwood, one step at a time. I wish you were closer to Columbia, Missouri, I would certainly invite you for dinner or a picnic in our delightful park.

If I had your number I'd call you for a chat.
Best wishes

 

[HazelGod]

Where do I start?

Le duh...you start at the strip club, bay-bee!!!

:wink:

 

[Hunt3ed]

It really is a case of one step at a time. BABY STEPS! Looking at what you do manage to achieve as just that, an achievement, not a dissapontment. Picking up the courage to go out and buy a pint of milk can take a tremendous amount of mental and physical effort; when you get back your heart is racing , and you can't wait to shut the door behind you, the bed is calling , and the nest in the duvet is just the best place to be.

Give you self praise for what you do achieve as a good thing, and build on each achievement. Don't put yourself down for what you didn't achieve, but rather look forward to trying to do better tommorow. At the end of the day count your successes and tell youself that you did good today, tommorow that you will do good again. Look into the eyes of people you meet, and wear a smile, and pretty soon, things start to come right all by them selves.

I found that what was important for me , was to learn that it was okay to make mistakes, It was okay to be human, and it was okay to fuck things up completely, It's what makes me human too. I had to learn that I was my hardest task master, and my most damning critic, and I had to let go of myself, and just be nicer to myslef, learn from my mistakes, and move on knowing I had learnt something, rather than blaming myself for having done something wrong.

I did a lot of other things to, I've down graded my job, from being a civil engineer, I now work as a carpenter. I started meeting people that I work with for a drink or two on the weekends; I never had a chance to do that working in civils, always too much work to finish, and the hours were too long to even have the time for a social.

By looking after myself first, learning to respect myself, working to live rather than living for work, has changed my outlook. I didn't go out looking for friends and dates, my change in my self esteme, has it appears, made me more attractive to others, and they find me, they come and talk to me! So don't worry about looking for friends, dates, love...etc. It will find you, just get out there and be youself, like yourself, love yourself, and what ever you want, will come to you! If you show your face , show that you are proud of your self, that you care for yourself, you'll find that others care for you too.

I also had to learn to say No! I had to stop trying to do all I could, to please others. I had to learn to not do the things I didn't want to do, in order to try gain some kind of acknowlegement from others. I had to learn that I had to do things to please me too!

So here it is from me...YOU DID GOOD TODAY...well done, and I hope to see your smile tommorow.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

I don't really agree with the baby steps approach here, the problem with baby steps is that they're easy to disconnect from. A baby step would be making one friend who you see now and again and from that position it'd be easy to go right back to where you were, if your one friend was busy that week, or it wasn't convenient for you to see them on the one night you'd arranged. I'd say make as many connections as you can then if one friend isn't free you have more to fall back on.

It might seem the easy way to get a friend, then get a job, then date, but I agree with your thoughts that getting a job should be the first step, if you get a job you'll feel a responsibility to turn up every day and most adults make new friends at work. Don't forget there are lots of other people in your position and you could even try the columns in the local newspapers, I notice in mine that as well as the lonely hearts stuff there are ads from people just wanting to meet a straight friend for nights out. Meeting guys who advertise in lonely hearts columns has a bit of a stigma and to be honest I don't think you'd be too lucky they tend to be a bit dorky but why not try that, you probably won't meet your soul mate but you could end up having a few interesting nights out of the home. Put an advert in yourself. You have to be pro-active because life won't come to you, you have to go to it. While you're looking for a suitable job do some charity work, again you'll be mixing with people and it'll give your self esteem a little boost to be helping people.

Good luck Patsy xxxx

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

Beproud of the fact that you have already started. You not only got out of the house, you moved state and got the courage to admit you weren't happy and went and got help about it.

Possibly you could ask your therapist about any local social groups of people who are in the same situation and frame of mind as you. But as nice as it is to have a man i would suggest getting yourself together and finding some good friends BEFORE risking yourself in a relationship. And dont use clubs as pick up joints, they are the worst places to meet descent, respectable men

BEST OF LUCK

 

[Love-it]

I find the mountains, meadows and beaches to be sanctuaries for the mind and body. I have been with and met some of the nicest people there, lifelong friends, and the odd "bird" who remain tangible memories, and I also met my wife in the mountains.

If it is in your nature, join an outdoor type group where the activity revolves around, walks, hiking, backpacking or bicycling, etc. The physical exercise is invigorating and you get to enjoy casual discourse with like minded people.


Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.
Natures peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.
The winds will blow their own freshness into you,
and the storms their energy,
while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.

John Muir

 

[transformer_99]

I'd start with getting the job. Whatever hobbies you have find a group that does that. Sometimes volunteering for community related work leads to bigger and better things. Don't be so hard on yourself either. Even stressful work/careers are rewarding if you emphasize what you accomplished rather than what didn't turn out perfect.

 

[Osiris]

Jump in both feet first. I kind of liken where you are now to Holly Hunter's character in Living Out Loud.

Remember what Rosalind Russell said...

LIFE IS A SMORGASBORD AND MOST SUCKERS ARE STARVING FOR IT!

Get your plate and get your fill quick.

 

[36DD]

If you don't want a high stress job (which I'm assuming is what you're used to in your field), then just look for something that makes you feel good about yourself or takes the focus off of you like volunteer work or just something fun for a little while until you feel stronger and can cope with more. I understand completely and can see myself in what you are going through...you are strong and will rise above this. My favorite word is HOPE. I have it painted above my dresser so it is the first thing I see in the morning.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Life is a cabaret too - old chum

 

[southwest]

Njqt you strike me as a very intelligent and articulate individual and reading your posts on LPSG always gives me something to think about. You have a talent with communicating your experiences and maybe you could use that ability coupled with your intimate understanding of depression to involve yourself with people who are going through similar circumstances, this could not only help you but also help the people/individuals in the group concerned. With depression it is always tempting to try to avoid any relationship where obligation is involved so a casual self help group where you could use your skills and experience for mutual self gain. Remember fear is an experience which we can decide to have a more conscious relationship to, the more conscious that relationship the clearer the cause of the fear and the closer to being able to cope with said experience till it no longer bothers us.

 

[Principessa]

Jump in both feet first. I kind of liken where you are now to Holly Hunter's character in Living Out Loud. I didn't see that one. Holly Hunter often annoys me for some reason.

Remember what Rosalind Russell said...
LIFE IS A SMORGASBORD AND MOST SUCKERS ARE STARVING FOR IT!
Get your plate and get your fill quick.[/quote]
Okay, Uncle Mame. :biggrin1:

I find the mountains, meadows and beaches to be sanctuaries for the mind and body. I have been with and met some of the nicest people there, lifelong friends, and the odd "bird" who remain tangible memories, and I also met my wife in the mountains.

If it is in your nature, join an outdoor type group where the activity revolves around, walks, hiking, backpacking or bicycling, etc. The physical exercise is invigorating and you get to enjoy casual discourse with like minded people. Actually just yesterday I looked up my local master gardeners association and I hope to take some classes and maybe become a full member.
Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.
Natures peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.
The winds will blow their own freshness into you,
and the storms their energy,
while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.

John Muir

 

[Stretch]

Sorry...but if you're serious...who said you were depressed and wrong? A "Job" will certainly not fix you. Actually there is no fix. The easy answer is just be happy. We're all born innocent and pure. Taught Who to hate, What to believe in, How to feel, Where to place your allegiance and why. Trust yourself...I'm still amazed sometimes how alien this concept is for most people. Nature is wonderful and difficult enough but...Human Nature...well, not gonna change in our life time...Do you really want to spend your time here whining and complaining?...lol...choose positive and get on with living

 

[naughty]

Jump in both feet first. I kind of liken where you are now to Holly Hunter's character in Living Out Loud. I didn't see that one. Holly Hunter often annoys me for some reason.

Remember what Rosalind Russell said...
LIFE IS A SMORGASBORD AND MOST SUCKERS ARE STARVING FOR IT!
Get your plate and get your fill quick.[/quote]
Okay, Uncle Mame. :biggrin1:

This has nothing to do with what you just said but the rest of your gone with the Wind quote is "...and Mr Ashley comin home to Atlanta and there you be sitting there waitin' fo' him jes like a spider..."

 

[Not_Punny]

I agree with SP.

Another alternative is go back to college for another degree.

Or both.

There's nothing like HAVING to be somewhere at a certain time to make your life "regular" again. (Sort of like taking "fiber" for your lifestyle) :biggrin1::wink:

- - - - - - - - -

Oh, and this may not have anything to do with anything, but a year ago, my girlie doctor freaked out over my thyroid levels and put me on meds for it (they're the only meds I take)

I thought nothing of it, until I stopped taking the meds (I got lazy about it, didn't see the point) and strange things started to happen.

Anyway, when I started researching my "symptoms" they led me right back to the stuff the doctor originally had me on!!! Needless to say, I'm back on the stuff.

So forgive me for foisting my "enthusiasm" on you --- but you might be interested in the symptoms list... read the whole list. Interesting.

list

 

[Not_Punny]

ANother suggestion: While looking for a job befitting of your talents, you could volunteer somewhere. Volunteering serves several purposes: regulates your schedule, gets you out of the house, and "extroverts" your attention. :wink::wink:

(Now please excuse me while I turn off my cell phone and crawl under a blanket with a flashlight, a pencil, and my latest Sudoku book..) :biggrin1:

 

[Principessa]

This has nothing to do with what you just said but the rest of your gone with the Wind quote is "...and Mr Ashley comin home to Atlanta and there you be sitting there waitin' fo' him jes like a spider..."

Why am I not surprised you know the entire quote. :wink: I'm afraid of spiders :tongue:

ANother suggestion: While looking for a job befitting of your talents, you could volunteer somewhere. That was my initial plan. I was thinking about the local pet shelter or animal hospital. Volunteering serves several purposes: regulates your schedule, gets you out of the house, and "extroverts" your attention. :wink::wink:

(Now please excuse me while I turn off my cell phone and crawl under a blanket with a flashlight, a pencil, and my latest Sudoku book..) :biggrin1:

hahaha I do wordfinds in bed:tongue:

 

[Osiris]

Jump in both feet first. I kind of liken where you are now to Holly Hunter's character in Living Out Loud. I didn't see that one. Holly Hunter often annoys me for some reason.


So because Holly Hunter annoys you, you missed Queen Latifah in one of her earliest and magnificent film roles with Danny DeVito as well?

RENT THIS MOVIE NOW! I'm telling you it will wake you up.