Where shall I go, what shall I do?

[biguy2738]

QT-pie, how are you doing? I'm sorry for missing your post when you'd first made it because I can sooooo relate with where you are finding yourself to be.

Neither a womb nor a cocoon comes with an audience...yet those are the places that serve as a platform for much growth, transformation and miracles to take place!

Often times we are wise enough to love ours into a cocoon (of sorts) - we need to free ourselves from distraction and have the freedom to sink into, get to know and claim our innermost core. The bitch is the coming out afterwards, isn't it? How does one break through the confines that served as a safe haven without breaking one's wings in the process?

You have been through quite a bit of upheaval over the course of this year, and where you are at right now is the very same place where I was once upon a time. Yes, there is a once-upon-a-time and it also comes with a happy ending, which I am certain will ring true to your life as well...with time.

When I'd first decided to leave seminary, I found myself in a situation where I had to find answers for my life very quickly...my family made certain of that. I lived with my one sister but that really is as far as any kind of support or understanding went. Whenever there were family gatherings, there was always the experience of entering a room filled with whispers which suddenly stopped as soon as they realised that I was there. It became all to obvious that I had to get out and get a life. The big question was "HOW?" How does one find a job, accomodation or a life in the midst of a country where job opportunities were not only scarce, but one had chosen to be "removed" from the world for a couple of years. I was constantly criticised and eventually found myself to be depressed.

I had arranged to return to seminary for a final psychology course before cutting all ties completely. My stay there was my saving grace because I had the opportunity to get out of my pressure cooker existence and try to find answers that I was so desperately looking for. My superior made it clear to me that he wanted me to go for therapy, which I agreed to - I was at a stage where I knew I desperately needed some guidance in finding answers for my future as well as closing some chapters of broken history in my life.

By the time that I started therapy, I was in the midst of having a nervous breakdown. (When I returned home and told my family of my plans, I was confronted with even more criticism...I was even accused of having such an easy life that I saw a need to look for problems) It was at that stage when I decided "ENOUGH!" and closed myself off from the world and entered a life of seclusion. I was feeling as life had forced open my hands and removed everything that I held onto dearly, so it was fairly easy for me to cut all contact with my family and friends for a year.

My therapist wanted to put me on medication which I refused point blank. I was not willing to be numbed out from my misery or existence. Things needed to be faced and face them I would do! She then made a deal with me, I had a week to snap out of my nervous breakdown or else I would have to take medication...she wasn't as crass as that and provided me with only one piece of advice: "Make a list of everything that you have always wanted to do and go out there and do as many things of those things as you possibly can over the next week."

At first it felt very daunting, but as time went by and my list grew, it actually became very exciting. It was great fun trying out all these new and often times crazy things. Some were pretty boring, others weren't, but by the time that I returned to her, my nervous breakdown was a thing of the past. Believe it or not, doing just that provided me with the confidence to get out there and claim myself the kind of life that I felt that I deserved. Within a month I had found employment. By the following year I had met Mrs. biguy... so the list continues.

So, sweetcheeks, after such a lengthy post, the only advice that I am able to offer you is the same that was given to me (I think that everyone pretty much expressed it in their posts as well) - Make a list of things that you've always wanted to do and do it. If no one knows what you're up to, you need not fear having to please explain should anything blow up in your face. For some people it helps to take things slow, while for others they need to jump into the deep end. Only you can know yourself well enough to decide on how you would like to approach things. When it comes to employment, I was misguided into thinking that I would have to find something new to do, when I in actual fact stayed in a similar field...my job was church related. Though you may not be an educator any longer, I am fairly certain that you could do something with an education slant to it: A tutor, a children's book author, offering corporate training or even developing training programmes for educators.

Most importantly, this post is about my need to offer you the words that I desperately needed to hear when I was faced with my own crossroads:

I BELIEVE IN YOU AND THE POWER THAT YOU HAVE TO ACHIEVE WHATEVER YOU SET YOUR MIND UPON!!!!

All of the very best!

 

[Principessa]

Darn you biguy2738, you made me get misty eyed again!:redface: You have a way with words and getting to the heart of the matter or in this case my matters which tends to strike a chord deep inside me. I know you are right and I'm working on it slowly.

 

[biguy2738]

Darn you biguy2738,

I'm a pair of socks? Will it hurt? :biggrin1: This must be one of my lamest comeback EVER!! :redface:

you made me get misty eyed again!:redface:

Misty eyed...only misty eyed?!!! WTF? Haven't I told you that I'm a Kleenex salesman? :biggrin1:

You have a way with words and getting to the heart of the matter or in this case my matters which tends to strike a chord deep inside me. I know you are right and I'm working on it slowly.

Truth be told, responding in this thread did so much for me...you will never know how good it was to be reminded of that time in my life and to once again acknowledge to myself that I am capable of doing a great deal if I put my mind to it. I left for the office on Friday (after making this post) feeling as if I could take on that world. It's so easy to end up going down old roads of believing one's doubts and doubting one's beliefs...so thank you for starting this discussion!

You've got a vision of where you'd like to be and regardless of whether you're working on it slowly or fast, you're working on it...and that's fantastic! Whether it be baby steps or great big ones, the fact of the matter is that you are putting one foot in front of another and soon you'll realise that you're walking in what you consider to be the right direction. The risk involved remains the same regardless of the pace, and I applaud you for your courage and for believing that you deserve a happy and fulfilled life! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!

This may be old to you, but I thought that it may serve as a good reminder/motivator:

ANYTHING-IS-POSSIBLE (make sure that your sound is turned on)

 

[simcha]

As many of your know from previous posts and my blog I have lived with depression and anxiety for quite sometime. Unfortunately with out even realizing it I started to withdraw from society, friends, and family. By the time I realized this, maybe 2 years ago I was too depressed to care that people had stopped calling me to go out and I had less than a handful of people to talk to on the phone.

I became very non-verbal even at work. Then I started just e-mailing my cross-country friends and only talking to 3 people on the phone. My mom, my friend Lora and my friend Carlo. At my worst I wouldn't even check my e-mail, I found the spam and ads from catalogs I actually shopped overwhelming. I just texted people from my cell phone because I couldn't bear to get off the sofa or out of bed. :frown1: I understand. I've been there too. I struggle with depression off and on. I do so much to fight it. Unfortunately, I believe my depression is genetic from both sides of the family. Therefore I take anti-depressants. Beyond that, the anti-depressants don't work alone. Psychotherapy is essential if I expect the anti-depressants to work because I have to change all of my thought patterns and the way I live my life. Therefore, I make sure I eat well, do my personal chores so that my house doesn't look messy (happens when I'm depressed), reach out to friends and family, get some sort of exercise, and have a spiritual practice. Also having a hobby or two is important to me.

I've recently completed a deceptively intense 6 week, 5 hour a day, group therapy program for adults with depression and anxiety. I am by no means cured; however I do feel somewhat better equipped to face the world. I'm so glad you are getting help. That is really the best thing for depression. Reaching out is the antithesis of depression. And, for me, there is no cure. There is maintenance and coping. I had to accept this in order to learn to live better with depression.

As you may recall, I re-located to Georgia in June so I am in a totally new environment. I guess what I need to do is just get a j-o-b. My therapist agrees, I am not quite ready to jump headlong into a high stress career like I had before. I guess I have 3 goals: to make friends, find a job, and to date.Yeah, there's nothing like a move to spice things up. It's stressful. It's important that you give yourself some time to get used to your surroundings. Start looking for the things that interest you the most. Do you like discussing literature? Find a book discussion group, or whatever... Finding a job is incredibly stressful. Make sure you are doing something to reward yourself for all the little steps you take in finding a job. Make sure you are doing something you love while looking for work so that it doesn't get you down.

I have been so withdrawn from society and friends for so long, I don't know how to get back into the swing of things. Where do I start? What do I do?

As so many wise people have already posted, take small baby steps. Don't expect yourself to "get it all done" in one fell swoop. You'll set yourself up for failure whenever you have expectations. Pick one thing to do each day, and do it to the best of your ability and congratulate yourself for doing it to the best of your ability. If you need to take a bath and relax and that's the one thing you do for yourself in an entire day, congratulate yourself and enjoy that bath! Depression is all about making life a dull gray that sucks the enjoyment out of living. Anything you can do for yourself that shifts this helps.

njqt466

And someone with your beautiful eyes, face, and smile will have no trouble meeting people. Your avatar picture tells me that you are one beautiful woman with a wonderful smile. Take good care of yourself and take your time to get to know the Atlanta area. Kisses and hugs, Simcha.

 

[simcha]

Njqt466,

Are you OK?

 

[earllogjam]

NJ,

Not sure where you are on all this but it also suprised me that you suffer from depression and anxiety from just reading your perky posts. I think the worst thing you can do for yourself is stagnate at home, watch TV and brood. You have so much to offer and are such a sweet person at heart but you need get that energy circulating again to see that for yourself.

I think a job would do you wonders. It is quite helpful to have someplace to go in the morning and a day set out for you with some kind of purpose. It doesn't need to be a dream job, just something to get you out of the house and occupy your energy on something other than yourself. Once you feel better about yourself all the rest will fall into place - friends and dates, a better job.

As I see it - it is a test of how much you love yourself. Is your life worth it? No one can help you answer that. It's something that you need to figure out for yourself and no one's voice will ring clearer than your own. You already know what you need to do.

And when the time comes when you cut through all the bullshit and realize you really are worth and deserve all the happiness in the world, and that time will come, you will act upon it without any fear.