Which is a greater concern?

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286798

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So I'm back in the dating world... somewhat frustrated by being in this space again but also hopeful for the future and enjoying meeting new people. At the moment, I'm talking to/casually seeing (no hanky panky of any sort yet) two different guys. Both are in their late 40s, are smart & interesting, and have some good self-awareness of themselves, but that's about the only thing that's similar about these two. One has been married twice (each time was ~8-10 years), one has never been married (longest relationship was 4 years).

What would be a greater concern to you if you were approaching a relationship... one who had been married many times or one who had never pulled the trigger?
 

MickeyLee

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Two divorces = Baggage!

I'd be much more inclined to date the never been down the isle dude before getting involved with someone who jumped the gun/broom twice already.
 
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steveo188

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I’m not sure if you are looking for a male perspective but the first question I had was why did the marriages end, and why has the other person never been in a long term relationship. If the marriages ended because of different views on whether to have kids or career incompatibility then it could be fine, just as it could be the short term guy was career focused or moved around a lot. Good thing the dating process allows you to find out more, which could be a fun process.
 
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I’m not sure if you are looking for a male perspective but the first question I had was why did the marriages end, and why has the other person never been in a long term relationship. If the marriages ended because of different views on whether to have kids or career incompatibility then it could be fine, just as it could be the short term guy was career focused or moved around a lot. Good thing the dating process allows you to find out more, which could be a fun process.
I'd welcome a man's perspective.

First marriage was because she got knocked up at age 19... both changed as they grew up. They apparently have a cordial relationship now. Not too sure of the details around the 2nd (yet... we've only been out twice, but I think he'd be forthcoming if I asked) but she's apparently batshit crazy. He bought her a car for her birthday, it was the wrong color and she threw a fryingpan through the windshield. He said she's a good mother and they coparent well, but are not good together. Not sure why they got together yet. More TBD.

Never married guy does have wanderlust, which drove some of his decisions to move. He also moved coast to coast for a girl he met online and I don't think they met in person before the move... I'm down for doing whatever ya gotta do for love, but that sounds a little impulsive. Not sure yet, but I think he may be bi. Not sure how I feel about that yet, either... totally new territory for me. More TBD.

And yeah- it's fun to get to know people. Getting TO the point of getting to know them can be frustrating, but it's fun, too.
 
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And part of the reason for my asking was because many of my closest friends are in the multiple or never category. Curious how it's affecting their ability to get coupled up.
 
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steveo188

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I'd welcome a man's perspective.

First marriage was because she got knocked up at age 19... both changed as they grew up. They apparently have a cordial relationship now. Not too sure of the details around the 2nd (yet... we've only been out twice, but I think he'd be forthcoming if I asked) but she's apparently batshit crazy. He bought her a car for her birthday, it was the wrong color and she threw a fryingpan through the windshield. He said she's a good mother and they coparent well, but are not good together. Not sure why they got together yet. More TBD.

Never married guy does have wanderlust, which drove some of his decisions to move. He also moved coast to coast for a girl he met online and I don't think they met in person before the move... I'm down for doing whatever ya gotta do for love, but that sounds a little impulsive. Not sure yet, but I think he may be bi. Not sure how I feel about that yet, either... totally new territory for me. More TBD.

And yeah- it's fun to get to know people. Getting TO the point of getting to know them can be frustrating, but it's fun, too.
Thanks for the reply. This could be an interesting fact gathering process lol. While I was reluctant to jump to conclusions based on the limited information in the question, admittedly my initial reaction was not in favour of the guy who hasn’t had a relationship longer than 4 years at that age.
 
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Enid

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I'd be more wary of multiple divorce guy, but since context is key, I guess it matters why the divorces happened.

I'm inclined to be much more accepting of never married guy, because personally I can relate (late 40s, never married). For me, extreme pickiness and being a strong loner type factors in, but I could see how some might say "well, what's wrong with this person that they never coupled up legally?"

Context is key there, too, so I'd talk it out and find out why, or at least whatever his personal views on marriage are and see if that aligns with your own thoughts.
 
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I'd be more wary of multiple divorce guy, but since context is key, I guess it matters why the divorces happened.

I'm inclined to be much more accepting of never married guy, because personally I can relate (late 40s, never married). For me, extreme pickiness and being a strong loner type factors in, but I could see how some might say "well, what's wrong with this person that they never coupled up legally?"

Context is key there, too, so I'd talk it out and find out why, or at least whatever his personal views on marriage are and see if that aligns with your own thoughts.

Thanks for your input. Never-married guy has mentioned that he doesn't really "get" the need for marriage for people who don't want to have kids (he had a vasectomy at 27 b/c he knew he didn't want any) other than the benefit of tax breaks. I get that, so it's not as much the lack of paper/contract, but more the lack of long-term relationships... not dismissing the ones he's had, but I don't know yet if they ended b/c of lack of commitment or self-awareness that it wasn't right. He is a bit of a loner, too, so I appreciate your reminder that this could be a factor.

My two closest girlfriends are in similar situations. One is mid-40s and never married (engaged twice, both in her 20s, and since focused on her career), the other is late-40s and has been married 3x (I don't know the details of her 1st, but her 2nd died of cancer, and her 3rd was horribly abusive). Both ladies have said that men have bolted when they disclose their past.
 

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I've been divorced once and almost twice. I never figured out if the problem was me or them.

I'd have to do some studying on the 2-timer, no pun, before dismissing him outright. The loner may have as many issues and be a flight risk.

If I had to get back in the game at 47 I think I'd either be a lesbian or a nun. Can a nun be an agnostic? Asking for a friend.
 

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If I had to get back in the game at 47 I think I'd either be a lesbian

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or a nun.

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Can a nun be an agnostic?

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Y'all are teases.
 
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Wellllll... the twice married guy punched last night. He said "our schedules aren't suitable", which I interpret as his not liking that I have turned him down for last minute dates when I previously had plans with friends and he wanted someone who was always available to him. Errrr.... i had picked up on a vibe of codependency. thanks for playing, pal.

And thanks @AlteredEgo for your applying the draino to my pipeline. lol.
 

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Errrr.... i had picked up on a vibe of codependency. thanks for playing, pal.
Better you found out sooner than later.

I was going to chime in with an alternate thought: I've seen many people who continue to pick partners who they think are their type, but really are not. One woman I know (when she was young) picked a guy who was reckless and fun and wild and impulsive and dangerous and just plain thrilling to be around... well, after they were married, he physically abused her and he ended up in jail for completely unrelated violent offense. They are since divorced and she looked back and realized that she had picked several boyfriends with similar traits before him (several were abusive towards her). She came to realize that what she thought she liked really wasn't after all what she actually liked (certain traits have both pros and cons).

So if a guy is picking the "wrong" partners for him, that could lead to both several marriages (married before the 'wrongness' became a problem) and to shorter-term relationships (broke up when the 'wrongness' became apparent). BUT, that same guy may now know better what he really wants and his next relationship could be completely different. Who knows... but it's possible.

Maybe just explore and follow your instincts. I wish you the best of luck :)
 

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Wellllll... the twice married guy punched last night. He said "our schedules aren't suitable", which I interpret as his not liking that I have turned him down for last minute dates when I previously had plans with friends and he wanted someone who was always available to him. Errrr.... i had picked up on a vibe of codependency. thanks for playing, pal.

And thanks @AlteredEgo for your applying the draino to my pipeline. lol.
Eeeww. Let him go find someone who thinks she was tailor made for him so he can get started in his third divorce.
 

Enid

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Wellllll... the twice married guy punched last night. He said "our schedules aren't suitable", which I interpret as his not liking that I have turned him down for last minute dates when I previously had plans with friends and he wanted someone who was always available to him. Errrr.... i had picked up on a vibe of codependency. thanks for playing, pal.

And thanks @AlteredEgo for your applying the draino to my pipeline. lol.


i kinda hate it when people, well in *particular* new dating people, always wanna do things last minute. hey dude/dudette (more dudes do this, IME), i ALREADY HAVE PLANS. YOU ASKED ME AT 3 PM AND LOOK I AM JUST NOT AVAILABLE AT 7

now, those plans may just be working late and going home and eating my feelings but im sorry, i need more notice than same day unless you're one of my BFFs or fam and there's an opening in schedule allowing for me to drop whatever plans i had to go see a new movie or grab a beer or taco or whatever


new dating prospects should adhere to a strict respectful give me at least a few days notice, please
 

ItsAll4Kim

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i kinda hate it when people, well in *particular* new dating people, always wanna do things last minute. hey dude/dudette (more dudes do this, IME), i ALREADY HAVE PLANS. YOU ASKED ME AT 3 PM AND LOOK I AM JUST NOT AVAILABLE AT 7

now, those plans may just be working late and going home and eating my feelings but im sorry, i need more notice than same day unless you're one of my BFFs or fam and there's an opening in schedule allowing for me to drop whatever plans i had to go see a new movie or grab a beer or taco or whatever


new dating prospects should adhere to a strict respectful give me at least a few days notice, please

If a woman were to do that to me, I'd turn the tables sometime later and see whether she'd drop prior plans to go out on a last-minute invite. Some people are just lovers of spontenaity and assume or hope or require their partner is the same.
 
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Late to the party AGAIN.....

I vote for neither.

Both have screaming red flags and it looks like one has put himself out of the running already.
The other one needs "catch and release".

Seriously sweetheart you're a awesome, powerful, capable woman.
You CAN do better.
 

AlteredEgo

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If a woman were to do that to me, I'd turn the tables sometime later and see whether she'd drop prior plans to go out on a last-minute invite. Some people are just lovers of spontenaity and assume or hope or require their partner is the same.

The only time this kind of behavior is not offpuoff-puto me, is when there is no expectation that I'm free.

"I know it's short notice, but I have tickets/reservations/won a gift card and I've got to use it tonight. I'd love to share with you, if you happen to be available?"

I'm also okay with,
"Hey. Ya busy? Do you have time to come hang out with me right now?"

Just don't assume I can.