Which to go for?

[693987]

I will note one thing as food for thought. My hard limits have evolved over the years. They have not evolved because of anyone being a pushy motherfucker (note I am NOT saying anyone in this thread is being a pushy motherfucker). They've evolved on my own, out of my own curiosities, fears, dislikes, etc.

I do not judge my partner for his hard limits. He doesn't judge me for mine. Anal play of any sort, rimming, whatever, used to be a crazy drawn in stone hard fucking limit. Go figure that my one and only experience with anal sex resulting in me bleeding made that a limit. Over literal years, that has changed. If I'm given proper time to prepare myself, I'm fine with anal now with my partner. Would I trust anyone else to do it, even if I weren't monogamous? Hell no.

My partner has a huge freaking NO about Daddy/babygirl, even if there's no age play involved. Do I tease him gently about it sometimes because it's funny to see his reaction? Yes. Do I make an issue out of it? Nah.

To the OP, if you're that curious, or want something that badly, I would sit your partner down and have a serious discussion about it.

I feel like I see an absolutely silly amount of threads where men want the women of LPSG to give an answer, when our answer means shit. Some of it may be extremely well written, thought, and meaning well shit, but it's still shit. We're not whoever's partner/love interest/etc.

 

[950483]

It's more about the awful attitude behind making a statement like that to someone you supposedly love.

Saying "It will never happen" in a long-term relationship is pretty much telling your partner "you will never get to do this". If your partner is into suspension and wants to string you up from the ceiling from little meathooks, sure, this is a totally appropriate response. But I hear of people saying this all the time for things like anal sex, bondage, blowjobs, and other sex acts and fetishes.

Everyone is different and everyone likes different things. In a healthy relationship I think both people should be trying to make their partner happy. Before someone twists what I'm saying, let me clarify that I am not saying "let your partner have anal sex with you even if you don't like it". I am saying that if it's something that is important to your partner, and you love them, you should at least open yourself up to the possibility of trying it someday.
In which case an appropriate response would be "I don't like it, but if it's really important to you we can try it someday".

Or, the person can respond with some snarky response like "It will never happen" and then wonder why their partner cheats on them or leaves them for someone who treats them with more consideration.

My partner struggles to say no to people. He works and then goes home and does all kinds of other things for family, friends, colleagues. Fixing cars, phones, gates, washing machines, and everything else constantly, dog sitting, caring for his mother who is elderly and very disabled. I had to email him this yesterday; I don't know if you can identify with this or if it would be useful to you:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no/

It's fine to say no to people.

And the funny thing is he has still managed to assertively and directly communicate that he definitely does not want anything up his bum. It's a big and definite no. Seriously, in a healthy relationship (not that mine's the healthiest, but this aspect of it is fine) both partners respect and value each other enough to be able to be honest with each other, and to be able to say no.

You can say no in a relationship without expecting to be cheated on or discarded. You are not of value purely because of what you will do for someone or give to someone.

 

[nailz]

I clarified twice that I am not saying "do _______ even if you don't want to just to satisfy your partner".

I am simply saying that in a healthy relationship your partner approaches you with a fantasy, "It will never happen" is an inconsiderate thing to say to someone you supposedly love. It's exactly like telling someone "You will never get to do this, ever" except in an even nastier way replete with attitude.

Again maybe I'm just overly sensitive to attitude. If my partner reasonably brought up something like this, I'd tell him that I'm not into it but if it's really important to them I'd keep an open mind about it. You are not saying yes or giving up your right to say no or "losing parts of yourself" or "giving up your soul", you're simply being more considerate towards them.

I think many people are too eager to prove how fiercely independent and strong they are that they see everything as some epic contest of wills. All I was trying to say is that people should act with a little more consideration towards someone they love. You won't be any weaker for it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I clarified twice that I am not saying "do _______ even if you don't want to just to satisfy your partner".

I am simply saying that in a healthy relationship your partner approaches you with a fantasy, "It will never happen" is an inconsiderate thing to say to someone you supposedly love. It's exactly like telling someone "You will never get to do this, ever" except in an even nastier way replete with attitude.

Again maybe I'm just overly sensitive to attitude. If my partner reasonably brought up something like this, I'd tell him that I'm not into it but if it's really important to them I'd keep an open mind about it. You are not saying yes or giving up your right to say no or "losing parts of yourself" or "giving up your soul", you're simply being more considerate towards them.

I think many people are too eager to prove how fiercely independent and strong they are that they see everything as some epic contest of wills. All I was trying to say is that people should act with a little more consideration towards someone they love. You won't be any weaker for it.

And I said it is more considerate fromy perspective to be honest. Besides, offering hope is akin to asking to be approached again. I really only need to be approached about a definite no once. Moreover, as dishonesty IS an untenable compromise for me, it would be losing myself. There are a great many things on which I am flexible but I'll never sell myself out.

 

[950483]

I clarified twice that I am not saying "do _______ even if you don't want to just to satisfy your partner".

I am simply saying that in a healthy relationship your partner approaches you with a fantasy, "It will never happen" is an inconsiderate thing to say to someone you supposedly love. It's exactly like telling someone "You will never get to do this, ever" except in an even nastier way replete with attitude.

Again maybe I'm just overly sensitive to attitude. If my partner reasonably brought up something like this, I'd tell him that I'm not into it but if it's really important to them I'd keep an open mind about it. You are not saying yes or giving up your right to say no or "losing parts of yourself" or "giving up your soul", you're simply being more considerate towards them.

I think many people are too eager to prove how fiercely independent and strong they are that they see everything as some epic contest of wills. All I was trying to say is that people should act with a little more consideration towards someone they love. You won't be any weaker for it.

Are you overly 'sensitive to attitude'?, or do you personally have difficulties coping with people saying no to you?, because that could help to explain the angle that you're coming from.

Assertive, honest, direct communication is psychologically healthy; the alternatives are not.

 

[deleted924715]

I'm confused, you made 2 references to in the OP. Once 'joking' and the other is her reference to you previously saying you didn't like it?

Maybe when you 'joke' about it she thinks you're dropping hints.

And I said it is more considerate fromy perspective to be honest. Besides, offering hope is akin to asking to be approached again. I really only need to be approached about a definite no once. Moreover, as dishonesty IS an untenable compromise for me, it would be losing myself. There are a great many things on which I am flexible but I'll never sell myself out.

This.

If it's a definite no, I say it. If I might be persuaded, I say it. I don't want to have to 'handle' my man like a child or dangle a carrot I will never drop - he's my best friend and I trust him enough to be myself. I must be an awful girlfriend.

 

[EllieP]

The other side of it is I would not be able to enjoy a sex act that my partner was gritting his teeth and putting up with for me. His enjoyment is my enjoyment. If he said 'it will never happen' I cannot imagine not respecting his stance, not even because I believed he would like it if he would just try it - let alone because I knew he wouldn't, but I thought I would. It's a two way street.

Yep, this.

There are times, rare thankfully, where normal vaginal penetration is just not possible. It's all on me, I know, and he knows too. Satisfaction is hollow when the result is pain for a partner. So we've learned to satisfy some other way. People sometimes ask me what's the other way? Are they serious? Read a book. Google it. There's lots and lots of way. Or are we more creative than most?

I'd never say "not in this lifetime" but there are limits which can never be exceeded, so words are unnecessary because our relationship is more important than temporary satisfaction.

 

[KengoNaininchi]

Thanks for all the insights.