Which would you rather know?

BBB2.5

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For those of you that use apps for meeting people or hookups. This happened to me the other day:

I had a guy message me that he liked my ass picture and wanted to get to know it better. He wanted DDF only. I told him that was great, that I was HIV / Undetectable. He then told me that he was not interested because I did not disclose status in my profile that I was Hiv+. He said I was being "Evasive" for not disclosing it in my profile. Because of that he could not trust anything I told him about myself. He also told me it would not have mattered, because he always play safe.... our chat ended.

My reason for not disclosing my status in my profile,...simple, very few would stop by because of that reason alone. I always tell them, some are okay, while some are not and that is fine with me.....

Would you want know that a person was Hiv + somewhere within their profile. Would you be alright if they told you after you began to chat?
 

malakos

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His chastising you for not mentioning it in your profile is unfair and stupid. There's no significant practical difference between mentioning it upfront and mentioning it at the beginning of conversing.

When would it be alright for it to be mentioned? Personally, I try to enjoy getting to know people; if things don't work out sexually that doesn't necessarily mean it was a loss. Which means that I would be fine with it being disclosed at any point before physical intimacy gets underway, let's say sufficiently before so that it can be discussed and relevant decisions can be made.
 

AMTZ410213

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Which means that I would be fine with it being disclosed at any point before physical intimacy gets underway, let's say sufficiently before so that it can be discussed and relevant decisions can be made.
I completely agree with this statement 100%. As long as you disclose your status before any form of intimacy begins, you’re good. This guy never was fine with it. He’s just using this as an excuse to put the blame on you instead of himself.
 

bkmuscledad

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Depends on the site. If the site is primarily for hooking up, then people would want to know.
You were right to tell him early in the dialogue, but a lot of people on hook up sites use that as a litmus test before even saying hello, and want to chat only with prospective sex partners.
If it's a site for sex as well as for just making friends, then it's fine the way you did it.
All in all, it's a judgment call.
 

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I don't use any hookup apps, so maybe my opinion doesn't mean much. I was completely on your side until you said your reason for not putting it in your profile. If you don't want people to know because they won't look at your profile then you are being evasive. If you are going to tell them once you start talking that you are HIV+ then some people are going to stop talking to you. Plus the fact that it isn't in your profile looks suspicious, maybe you told that guy, but what if you didn't tell the guy before.

If you are truthful that you are going to tell everyone once you start chatting, then there is no reason not to put it in your profile as the same people that won't stop chatting immediately with you will still visit your profile.
 

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Think it's better if you state it on the profile. That way it's undeniable. Not stating it, means that the person can choose to disclose it later....or not, depending on the circumstance. Not saying you do this, but certain there are many who do.
 

BBB2.5

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OP here... I would like to add that I have had my status posted in the past, but rarely had anyone stop by, even just to say "Hey"... I think with my status posted, it puts a wall and guys can't see that I am an honest guy. Hell I have been Poz for 27 years. ..... I'm still wondering if you would reach out with my status posted. I realize that this put my question in a dangerous area. If guys on here were to say... No I would not contact you because of my status, makes them look bad. A difficult question all in all..... Thanks for all of your thoughts.
 

bkmuscledad

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OP here... I would like to add that I have had my status posted in the past, but rarely had anyone stop by, even just to say "Hey"... I think with my status posted, it puts a wall and guys can't see that I am an honest guy. Hell I have been Poz for 27 years. ..... I'm still wondering if you would reach out with my status posted. I realize that this put my question in a dangerous area. If guys on here were to say... No I would not contact you because of my status, makes them look bad. A difficult question all in all..... Thanks for all of your thoughts.
I'm glad we got to know each other here, @BBB2.5 . We've chatted, and I know you're a very good guy. To answer your question, I don't typically go on pick up sites, but if I did, I would scroll passed someone who's positive. Here it's different, because this is a different kind of forum, and sex isn't the end game of every conversation.
 
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BBB2.5

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I'm glad we got to know each other here, @BBB2.5 . We've chatted, and I know you're a very good guy. To answer your question, I don't typically go on pick up sites, but if I did, I would scroll passed someone who's positive. Here it's different, because this is a different kind of forum, and sex isn't the end game of every conversation.

I too am glad that our paths have crossed too. It's been nice reading you honest posts. Thank You for be honest about scrolling by a POZ guy.... It's a given fact this is a normal occurrence. Being Poz at times is difficult. Never does it interfere with my happiness. My hubby makes me very happy. It's our sex life that has been on the back burner for sometimes now. Yes, he knows that on occasion I'm looking for "Fun"... and is okay with it. It only happens from time to time. Sometimes I just need my itch scratched ...LOL
 
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bkmuscledad

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I too am glad that our paths have crossed too. It's been nice reading you honest posts. Thank You for be honest about scrolling by a POZ guy.... It's a given fact this is a normal occurrence. Being Poz at times is difficult. Never does it interfere with my happiness. My hubby makes me very happy. It's our sex life that has been on the back burner for sometimes now. Yes, he knows that on occasion I'm looking for "Fun"... and is okay with it. It only happens from time to time. Sometimes I just need my itch scratched ...LOL
You're not alone. That describes all of us, I think.
 

malakos

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OP here... I would like to add that I have had my status posted in the past, but rarely had anyone stop by, even just to say "Hey"... I think with my status posted, it puts a wall ... I'm still wondering if you would reach out with my status posted.

You're right though. I understand your desire to establish a little bit of context before providing this piece of information. The truth is, for me, if I knew a guy who had HIV, and I knew he was diligent with his meds, and was willing to take whatever precautions I feel I would need to keep myself seronegative, then I would consider having a sexual interaction with him. But is that the same for an unknown person whose profile establishes that detail outright? No, it's not. I've never hit up a profile that establishes right off the bat that the person has HIV. It's a highly complicating factor (for me at least), and with no other context it doesn't appear worth having to deal with it.
 
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Oregon97420

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Here is my take. The perception of having someone disclose their status in their profile shows me that they might be more diligent in taking care of themselves. I have my POZ status on my Grindr profile and will even make it a point to be direct and tell whomever I am going to meet that I'm poz. The person that I attracted the virus from didn't have it in his profile, didn't tell me when we met and only afterwards did he swear that he was +U but wasn't diligent about his meds. Before I became poz I would avoid those who were poz out of fear. I refuse to do to anyone what was done to me. Be straight about it, no pun intended, and keep on keeping on. I've met some great guys who accept me as I am because I wasn't trying to hide it. I do know many guys who don't think its anybody's business unless they are intimate but if you're on a hook up site, its selfish not to be direct. just my.02
 
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I think I understand your point, but I don't think it changes my opinion. Again, I don't use hook up sites and I don't have sex with men, but from my perspective a person who is willing to hook up with someone who is positive doesn't care if its in the profile or not. A person who doesn't want to take the risk will take notice in the profile and avoid it. If its not in the profile, even though there is a place for it, and you tell them during conversation, it feels a little deceitful, like wasted their time at least, or roped them in and sprung the news on them after getting them interested at almost worst, or at truly worst you give the impression that you are willing to hook up with someone and not tell them about your status.

I understand that you want people to contact you and visit your profile. But if you leave out your status and tell them only during conversation, then you're going to hook up with the same number of people. Those who want to know and not take the risk will stop talking to you as soon as they know, just like they would have skipped over your profile if you had put your status in there. It sucks, I'm sure, but I think that's the reality of the situation

If I did use hook up apps and had sex with people I met on them, then someone who meets my ideals of beauty and seems like a great person probably wouldn't get my attention if they were HIV positive. It sucks, and maybe I'm a bad person for it, but that's the truth.
 
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I think the original interaction is in the other guy... he feels like he wasted his time or feels awkward having made the initial pass at you and is taking that out on you.

As for disclosing.... I wouldn’t scroll past because I have bothered to educate myself on modern HIV treatment and how undetectable = non transmission... but many guys haven’t.... so if you do choose to disclose on your profile, it may be worthwhile including a link to further info and/or encourage guys to educate themselves (I see this on profiles with various degrees of frustrated language!).

It is absolutely your call. If you choose to continue your practice of disclosing early in the conversation, then this is fine too and don’t let others shame you for it.
 
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malakos

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I think the original interaction is in the other guy... he feels like he wasted his time or feels awkward having made the initial pass at you and is taking that out on you.

Yes. Which is kind of nuts, given that the amount of time wasted between seeing BBB's profile and the brief chat before he disclosed is a drop in a bucket compared to the amount of time the typical user winds up wasting on these apps with fakes, jerks, and ghosters.

I get pissed when I've been been chatting frequently with someone for a couple weeks and they ghost (disappear, stop responding, and no explanation). There's a big difference between those two scenarios though.
 
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