White lie: Ignore or confront?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Fiona_Farvel, Jan 6, 2008.

  1. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    So, I am dating a guy who is lying to me about something.
    It is a small issue, and something I am not concerned about, but I have given him opportunities to come clean and he just won't. I have also told him how important honesty is to me and how I value the truth, no matter how bad, over any lie.

    I guess the question is, should I confront him about the lie, even though he may feel attacked? He's very sensitive, having just left a long relationship. Or should I allow him to relax, see that I am not judgmental, and allow him to come clean in his own time?

    Keep in mind that I really like this guy. We have been on several dates since October, he lives in L.I. and I am in NYC, but we see each other a few times a month and get a long very well. He's a great man, while I may not want to become serious with him at this point, if the romantic side does not work out, I would love to keep him as a friend. I just hate the lie, it makes me wonder what else his is lying about, you know?
     
  2. hotbtminla

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    Are you sure this is something you're not concerned about? Really? Because of its on your mind... it's on your mind.

    There are ways to confront it without being confrontational. Not sure if this helps at all, but for me I usually find humor to be a good way to delicately and safely manage situations that could be uncomfortable... so if the timing feels appropriate, to try to disarm it by cracking a joke - calling "bullshit" in a lighthearted way, that allows you to share his (hopeful) revelation of the truth in a way that underscores that it doesn't bother you, and gives you an opportunity to bond over it rather than having hang out there. Not knowing what he's lying about makes it hard for me to judge if this is an appropriate tactic, but generally I've found that if its something relatively insignificant it can be nipped in the but using an equally "insignificant" manner (humor).

    At the end of the day I think honest communication is critical to a successful relationship. Otherwise you're just breeding all sorts of crap that can come back and bite you both in the ass when you inevitably argue over something else. If he knows early on that you don't think X is a big deal he's more likely to drop facades going forward (or keep up the facade as a way of allowing you to both have a knowing grin).
     
  3. Wangman

    Wangman New Member

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    I can only second what has been said really. The most important thing really would be if the 'white lie' is going to affect your happiness in the relationship. If its going to bug you, or act in anyway to make you unhappy, you should definately confront him. You may hurt his feelings but if the relationship is strong then you will both come out the other side.
     
  4. Principessa

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    What is this little white lie that is eating away at you? And more importantly how did you hear about it if he wants to keep it a secret?

    This is not a small thing,if it were you wouldn't have posted about it. Tell him what you know and how you heard about it in as non-judgemental a way as possible. Then see what happens . . . :rolleyes:



     
  5. B_sugarandspice

    B_sugarandspice New Member

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    Some lies are allowed like a woman's age.oop-oh that's right it isn't never mind.lol
     
  6. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    I say being direct is, the only way to go. Obviously it does bother you!
    I never understood why people want to excuse bad behavior,to me this
    is bad behavior. If he has to lie about small things,how can you
    ever believe,he's going to tell the truth,when it will be important?
    Why lie to a "friend"?
    Or anybody else for that matter?
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  7. ActionBuddy

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    Sounds like a "Women"s Issue" to me... Men just want to fuck.
     
  8. ZOS23xy

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    One small white lie can lead to others, so it is an issue with you. I guess you need to bring it up as best you can and explain it.
     
  9. jack65

    jack65 New Member

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    Hello

    With out knowing the whole sorted mess lol, it really depends on how you found out, if from some other person then it could be that there view on events may be different to his. He may not think he's lying at all & could even think that your bring up some thing that you don't know the ins and outs off.

    or he is lying straight out to you which then you would need to say some thing in the way others here have all ready said.

    Thank You.
     
  10. tiagra

    tiagra New Member

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    Lying is a sign of a bad character. "Buyer Beware!"
     
  11. SpoiledPrincess

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    A liar is a liar whether it's a 'white lie' or not, if you let this go you're giving him permission to lie to you. Explain that him telling the truth is so important to you that it's a make or break issue, it would be for me. If you can't trust him to tell the truth on small things how can you trust him on big things?
     
  12. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Thanks to all for the input,

    He is lying about his age, it is not a huge issue.
    When we met, he said he was 40, making him 8 years older than I am. However, I have come to find out through our time together that he is closer to my Uncle's age. I know this because they went to rival schools, similar degrees, worked in the same industry, etc. which, even though he graduated from the Uni at 19, still makes him close to my Unc's age. My Uncle is 55, and this guy must be 3 to 5 years younger than him by my estimation, making him 20 or so years older than I am.

    Again, this is not a deal breaker. But, I do bring up age or even we had a discussion about 1970's elections, which he no doubt voted in, he feigned ignorance. So, taking the advice here, I will call him out on it.


    Yeah, I know. But, women's issues didn't quite cover the issue.
     
  13. Jedi Gigolo

    Jedi Gigolo New Member

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    First post, but here's what I'd do without being confronational.

    Talk about YOUR driver's license photo and whether you/hate it/love it.

    In the course of the convo ask him what he thinks about his, and ask if you can see it.

    If he shows you and it's the age he said, then you know you were wrong.
    If he shows you and it's not the age he said, you can ask him and say, HEY! You're not 40.
    If he won't show you, say in a quiet voice, "You're older than 40 aren't you." WITH a cute grin on your face so that he knows to answer truthfully is OK.

    If it's the truth and it's no big deal, don't push it. Sometimes the easiest way to push a guy a way is to push him where he doesn't want to go.
     
  14. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Good first post, and I will use this tactic.
    However, I know that I am not wrong. He worked at a facility after graduating that my Uncle worked at too, but it was relocated when I was a kid. I know this because, that's why my Uncle moved and he also noted that he visited the other facility, but worked from a different state. Anyway, no way he could be 40 and work there, he would have started at 13.
     
  15. Drifterwood

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    A white lie is by definition, one that doesn't really matter.

    Of course what matters varies from person to person.

    If it is something that your head is telling you shouldn't really matter, but your heart is getting in a bother, then maybe you are displaying a demand on his behaviour. If the relationship isn't that serious at the moment then maybe you should't be doing this.

    My guess is that this guy means more to you than you are letting on even to yourself, and therefore this matters to you.

    Be careful if you push him, because he might think a white lie is reasonable where he has got to in your relationship.
     
  16. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Or it's possible that he forgot that he said the age thing.

    I mean, if you have been dating since October, it's likely he says it to all the women he sees and maybe have forgotten that he said it.

    If it really bothers you, then you can tell him. Or just ask him how long he taught for.
     
  17. SpeedoGuy

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    Are you 100&#37; positive a deliberate lie happened? Sometimes what we assume is a lie is actually a misunderstanding. Regardless, no matter what the circumstances in a relationship, I've always used this technique during potentially tense discussions with a partner:

    * Bring up what happened, objectively, without using blaming words or judgements (in this case: Don't automatically just label it a lie. Instead, say you became aware of a discrepancy between what you were told and what actually happened)
    * Clearly state the feelings about it (in this case: The discrepancy is troubling you)
    * Explain why those feelings are happening (in this case: because you want to be able to trust the information you receive is the full truth)
    * Make a request (in this case: that the full truth always be told in the future).

    Note: The request may or may not be fulfilled. Time will tell about that. But no one can ever say a bona fide attempt wasn't made to get the issue out in the open and stop it from festering your relationship.
    The request ma
     
  18. sdbg

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    To me, lying is a major character flaw. Omitting details is one thing, but outright lying kills the magic for me, whether it is a romantic interest or an acquaintance that is moving toward a friendship. I'd have to call him on it. You could preface the conversation with something like "We can be totally honest with eachother" and approach it from there. If you give him that chance and he still doesn't take it, then I'd go in for the kill and let him be humiliated when he gets caught in his own BS. You won't have a relationship worth keeping unless you strictly want a sex partner with no strings attached.
     
  19. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    There's your answer already. Don't backpedal.[/quote]

    I think the people that are really defensive about a discussion like this are really the ones who usually have something to hide. I think if people are telling the truth about something, then they're more likely to stay calm and level-headed in the discussion. I imagine that unless you've called him out on whatever this is repeatedly (also assuming that he told the truth in the first place), he's going to stay cool about the discussion.

    However this goes, just keep the relationship flowing like it is. Your feelings may change about him for the worse or the better, and he may start to open up more to you in his self-disclosures. And if you decide to confront him, just keep it calm. Use language that says something to the effect of -- you know -- I've observed some things and I need to tell me what's up so I can make better sense of it.
     
  20. B_DEATHbyCARROT

    B_DEATHbyCARROT New Member

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    Take it from me you have to confront. It will bother you even if you pretend it doesn't and will come out in another way.
     
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