White lie: Ignore or confront?

D_Fiona_Farvel

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I will confront, it just seems like such a stupid thing to lie about. Part of me doesn't even care enough to confront, than the other part wants to get everything out in the open so it isn't like this flashing 'bullshit' sign in the back of my mind.
 

Principessa

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Lying is a sign of a bad character. "Buyer Beware!"
Agreed


One small white lie can lead to others, so it is an issue with you. I guess you need to bring it up as best you can and explain it.
BINGO! I agree.


Thanks to all for the input,
He is lying about his age, it is not a huge issue. When we met, he said he was 40, making him 8 years older than I am. However, I have come to find out through our time together that he is closer to my Uncle's age. I know this because they went to rival schools, similar degrees, worked in the same industry, etc. which, even though he graduated from the Uni at 19, still makes him close to my Unc's age. My Uncle is 55, and this guy must be 3 to 5 years younger than him by my estimation, making him 20 or so years older than I am.

Again, this is not a deal breaker. But, I do bring up age or even we had a discussion about 1970's elections, which he no doubt voted in, he feigned ignorance. So, taking the advice here, I will call him out on it.


You are this bothered that he knocked 12+ years off his age? Does he look 40 or does he look 52? I am normally a stickler for the truth, especially online; but if he is otherwise a good person. I would be tempted to let this slide.:redface:

Do you see a future with this man, do you want children? A man 20 years your senior may have already done the diaper routine and not be interested in doing it again. I don't know your story, but at this point in my life if a man doesn't have marriage potential I have no time for him.:cool:
 

sdbg

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I first replied to your post not knowing what the lie was and just now read the entire post. I'm 56; I'll be 57 in April. I'm youthful for my age, but I would never lie about it. I understand his motive, not that I condone it. I was talking to my 47 year old coworker a few weeks ago about how certain age groups (20s) are out of our league now. It's human nature to be attracted to youth and beauty and want to share our affection and hot sex with someone young, gorgeous, and hot. On the other hand, it would be difficult to have a successful relationship with someone 25 - 30 years younger than me. When I first joined LPSG, I didn't want to display my age. After a few weeks, I thought about and realized that if any of you people should become friends of mine, I would prefer you know the deal from the word go. I'm not the deceptive type; I have too strong of a conscience.

Good luck with your guy.
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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Agreed

BINGO! I agree.



You are this bothered that he knocked 12+ years off his age? Does he look 40 or does he look 52? I am normally a stickler for the truth, especially online; but if he is otherwise a good person. I would be tempted to let this slide.:redface:

Do you see a future with this man, do you want children? A man 20 years your senior may have already done the diaper routine and not be interested in doing it again. I don't know your story, but at this point in my life if a man doesn't have marriage potential I have no time for him.:cool:
The older age was the part that would not a deal breaker, not the lie. Sorry for not expressing that more clearly.

He looks 40-45ish, he is originally from the Med, so dark olive skin and still has dark hair. I wish I had met him online, because then I would have drilled him. But, meeting in person makes you not want to be rude initially, ya know?

Can't say I have considered anything long term with him; I am not into marriage. But, he doesn't have any kids and actually has never married. I do not want children now, never have really wanted children, but will wait and see how I feel in a few years. He doesn't necessarily want kids, although he has mentioned that his parents still ask him about having a baby to continue the name. So, he's probably as undecided as I am.

Other than the age thing, he has his shit together. Smart, ivy league grad, two grad degrees, owns a few houses (should have been my first clue to his true age :tongue:), loves sports as I do, travels extensively, laid back, light/rare drinker, no drugs, three long term relationships his whole life... a rare type of guy to find. But, I am not feeling any strong feelings or lust for him at this time.
 

Principessa

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The older age was the part that would not a deal breaker, not the lie. Sorry for not expressing that more clearly.

He looks 40-45ish, he is originally from the Med, so dark olive skin and still has dark hair. I wish I had met him online, because then I would have drilled him. But, meeting in person makes you not want to be rude initially, ya know?

Can't say I have considered anything long term with him; I am not into marriage. But, he doesn't have any kids and actually has never married. I do not want children now, never have really wanted children, but will wait and see how I feel in a few years. He doesn't necessarily want kids, although he has mentioned that his parents still ask him about having a baby to continue the name. So, he's probably as undecided as I am.

Other than the age thing, he has his shit together. Smart, ivy league grad, two grad degrees, owns a few houses (should have been my first clue to his true age :tongue:), loves sports as I do, travels extensively, laid back, light/rare drinker, no drugs, three long term relationships his whole life... a rare type of guy to find. But, I am not feeling any strong feelings or lust for him at this time.

He sounds great; but if you have no strong feelings or even lust for him why go out with him?:confused::rolleyes:
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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I first replied to your post not knowing what the lie was and just now read the entire post. I'm 56; I'll be 57 in April. I'm youthful for my age, but I would never lie about it. I understand his motive, not that I condone it. I was talking to my 47 year old coworker a few weeks ago about how certain age groups (20s) are out of our league now. It's human nature to be attracted to youth and beauty and want to share our affection and hot sex with someone young, gorgeous, and hot. On the other hand, it would be difficult to have a successful relationship with someone 25 - 30 years younger than me. When I first joined LPSG, I didn't want to display my age. After a few weeks, I thought about and realized that if any of you people should become friends of mine, I would prefer you know the deal from the word go. I'm not the deceptive type; I have too strong of a conscience.

Good luck with your guy.
I think this may have been his initial reasoning, to prevent rejection he fudged the number and because we date, he had to continue it or I would think he's a liar early on. I totally understand, I have done this when younger, just to fit in.

Now I'm thinking about when we first met, it was a group and I mentioned something about my 'age range' for dating and he probably took it to be a non-negotiable thing.

I just have to figure out a way to first convey that I am not angry, then let him know it doesn't change anything between us, but not to do it again.

Thanks for the good wishes!
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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He sounds great; but if you have no strong feelings or even lust for him why go out with him?:confused::rolleyes:
Because I like him a lot, it is a fun and totally relaxed time together. However, I'm not sure at this point if it is good male friend like or potential BF could grow into love and lust like. I have been super busy since meeting him - I mean, beyond busy. So, I am on vacay now and this is the first time i have put thought into my feelings. I do miss him.
 

Jovial

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Why not just tell him directly that age doesn't matter to you (as long as they are healthy and youthful or whatever) and that you suspect he is older than 40? But you have to make sure he believes you. Let him know that you dated older men before if you have. He may be worried that you won't give him a chance to get to know him if you knew his age. I know I would have a hard time believing someone much younger than me would be interested in me even if she said age didn't matter. So you have to make him understand that you really would still like to date him.
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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Thanks, I'll figure out a way bring it up.
Or, more than likely, something age or generation related will come up again and i'll ask if he is older than he said when we first met.
 

Love-it

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In a sense, you are holding back information from him, which isn't quite the same but it has become an issue and in a sense a similar offense and needs to be dealt with.

It may also have to do with perception, maybe in his mind he is in his 40's even if he is 49.99 years old. Maybe he let you believe what you wanted to believe. All of which is still wrong in my mind.

Lying in life or even in the movies makes me nervous.
 

TheRob

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don't you watch House?
people lie
it's the truth
part of it is probubly conditioning, I mean he's probubly met a lot of women who CLAIM to want honesty then 'punish' you for giving it to them
so he can't believe you onthe issue
no one is totally honest believe me
I am close to totally honest and even I can't get through a month w/out a little fib
 

WellHung83

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If the white lie is something completely innocent and meant to legitimetly be said to protect someone from great harm or malice, then I think you should accept it and get on with life but if it is a two faced, backstabbing sort of deal, then I would say get the bottom of who is spreading the lie and stamp it out asap.
 

lafever

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So, I am dating a guy who is lying to me about something.
It is a small issue, and something I am not concerned about, but I have given him opportunities to come clean and he just won't. I have also told him how important honesty is to me and how I value the truth, no matter how bad, over any lie.

I guess the question is, should I confront him about the lie, even though he may feel attacked? He's very sensitive, having just left a long relationship. Or should I allow him to relax, see that I am not judgmental, and allow him to come clean in his own time?

Keep in mind that I really like this guy. We have been on several dates since October, he lives in L.I. and I am in NYC, but we see each other a few times a month and get a long very well. He's a great man, while I may not want to become serious with him at this point, if the romantic side does not work out, I would love to keep him as a friend. I just hate the lie, it makes me wonder what else his is lying about, you know?

If he`s lying about his age it`s because deep down he has the hangup about the age difference, in other words he`s probably feeling like the old saying, robbing the cradle. Which is an old taboo that no longer applies in todays society due to the fact that people are living much longer and are much healthier than ever before. But was once highly scrutinized at one time.
But don`t forget he`s from the older times when that taboo applied, so deep down inside him he feels as though he`ll be rejected from you, it`s his insecurities that makes him feel as though he has to be dishonest.'
Know this, he loves you enough to lie to keep the relationship going, i know that sounds like a paradox and it is, in his mind lying is saving the relationship, i know this makes no sense(maybe it does)but you`re trying to get into the mind of an older man, so you have to think like one.
You`re obviously more mature than him, that`s typical though when it comes to woman vs. men.
Be gentle with him and don`t pressure him, he`ll feel like he`s being trapped in a bad way if you pester him, this will make him feel as though he will always have to tell you half lies and you don`t want that, a half lie is still a lie non the less.
Good luck in your endevours and know that sometimes you have to be the mature one even if he`s blind to what`s going on. Remember the saying, ignorance is bliss, just let him think your ok with whatever he tells you and in time his guilt will get the best of him, the closer you make him feel to you the more it`ll make him want to come clean.
Letting him do it in his time is not all that bad, it gives him the space to open up in other areas of the relationship.
Last but not least if he ever catches you in a lie you can throw him off balance by asking him why it`s okay for him to do so but not for you.
Sorta like a double standards kinda thing.
Well i hope this helps you, god bless, and if you really care about him know that he`s only human, born to make mistakes.

lafever:cool:
 

modulo

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So, I am dating a guy who is lying to me about something.
It is a small issue, and something I am not concerned about, but I have given him opportunities to come clean and he just won't. I have also told him how important honesty is to me and how I value the truth, no matter how bad, over any lie.

I guess the question is, should I confront him about the lie, even though he may feel attacked? He's very sensitive, having just left a long relationship. Or should I allow him to relax, see that I am not judgmental, and allow him to come clean in his own time?

Keep in mind that I really like this guy. We have been on several dates since October, he lives in L.I. and I am in NYC, but we see each other a few times a month and get a long very well. He's a great man, while I may not want to become serious with him at this point, if the romantic side does not work out, I would love to keep him as a friend. I just hate the lie, it makes me wonder what else his is lying about, you know?

If you don't nip it in the bud now, there will only be more and bigger lies in the future. A snowball effect if you will.