Who am I kidding?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by SassySpy, Mar 7, 2007.

  1. SassySpy

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    ok, ladies, (and guys if you have an opinion on this) since I've not made it to a girlie chat- and I am 2 weeks away from my trip, I really want your advice.
    I have tried to tell myself that due to my friend's shyness, perhaps in my 6 days there no sex will take place. But who am I kidding? He is a virgin, I haven't had sex in nearly 2 years. Is there really any chance that we WON'T? We have developed a close friendship in our year online and on the phone, and talk about everything. He has expressed he will be happy just to hold me in his arms, finally. Even if thats all. Then he added, if anything else happens, it happens.
    I am nearly (not quite!!) feeling guilty. I don't think I could be held by him, feel an erection that I am guessing he'll get, and not respond to it.What happens after, if we do? Is this gonna screw up our friendship forever? I have no intention of moving to Holland, he knows that. At least in England I spoke the language!
    I dunno. Maybe I am just getting the jitters or something. I am just hoping your insights will help me make good decisions- I am really, really not into hurting anyone, or being hurt. I am extremely emotionally driven, I don't want to confuse him or myself. He on the other hand, is at least a bit more realistic and logical, and seems sometimes able to help me keep my emotions in check.
    *sigh* I wish there were an easy answer.
    Thanks in advance for your thoughts! You know how much I value them! :smile:
     
  2. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    "If it happens, it happens" ... great quote. Sass, only you know in your heart what is right for your friendhship. You understand the complexities that are going on for the both of you, we are just on the outside. It may mess up your friendship, or he might sexualize you every time you talk to him. Sounds silly but make a list of the pro's and con's of sleeping with him. It is your decision, choose your moves wisely.
     
  3. vibratingfinger

    vibratingfinger New Member

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    Well, unfortunately as a guy I have to tell you we don't attach much emotion to sex. Neither do many girls of course. But, the point is if you screw him and he's a virgin, he won't be hurt by you leaving unless he's a girl in disguise. He will have fond memories of you but won't react to them the same way as you do.
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    All relationships start off with one night, and if people like each other a lot somehow it never seems to get in their way. It might well turn out that it does spoil your friendship, it might even turn out that you meet and that spark you had before is actually missing in real life, it might turn out that at a distance he can overcome his shyness but in real life he's so shy that it interferes with his bonding with other people (I've known this happen with a couple who were speaking on the net/phone every night for a year) BUT until you get there you won't actually know so any plans you make now could all fall to pieces when you get there. If you get there and you have sex it might lead to a short term relationship, it might lead to a long term one, you might decided that you're better suited as friends but a relationship doesn't have to last for ever to be a good one. Play it by ear, and follow your instincts and as so many people say it's never the things we did that we regret only the things we didn't do.
     
  5. biefstuk

    biefstuk New Member

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    Sassy,

    IMHO you are perhaps over analysing it a little. Of course, you need to have think these things through, forewarned is forearmed, but I feel first and foremost you should have the aim of going over there and having fun. (I lived there for some time and know that the Dutch are at their best when everything is relaxed). The Dutch are a pragmatic folk (some would say cool) so if you happen to to become anxious they are usually good at putting people at ease. Besides, you'll have plenty of time to analyse the trip and sort out your feelings after you have returned home, best not to spend too much time on it while you're on holiday.

    Where abouts in NL are you going? (I lived in Amsterdam).

    Good luck over there, enjoy it, it's a great place.

    Biefstuk
     
  6. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Sassy...It is abig deal and i understand all the thoughts flying through your head. I was in the same situation but unfortantly i found out it was all a lie and crashed and burned before we could meet...So maybe not the best example :redface:

    But yeah, of course you are nervous..A year is a long time and you have become emotionally attached to him. As you go there just think of it as a freindship and if you have both been completly honest with each other it will all fall into place. If sex does happen just make it special, it is one time both of you will remember and desreves to be treasured and treated as more than a cheap fling.

    Good luck, and most of all just enjoy the hpliday and your new friends company :wink:
     
  7. les123

    les123 Member

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    Just let things take their normal course
    Let it happen and don't plan too much
    Just be yourself!
     
  8. Love-it

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    There is only one way to find out.

    We, LPSG members, may only confuse you further.

    Be open.
     
  9. Yorkie

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    I agree with most of the above comments,particularly SpoiledPrincess.Meeting someone face to face is a much bigger deal than phone calls and internet exchanges.It's natural for you to be apprehensive.
    All any of us can say is make the most of your time there,a week isn't very long.If you find your friendship is as strong when you meet as it is online then whatever happens happens.Just go with it. :cool:
     
  10. SassySpy

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    you each give very helpful, and wise, albeit different, responses that I find inividually helpful. and I thank you so much!:smile:


    TK, I know you have suffered as part of a "similar" situation, with some differences. So what you say makes much sense. And I will.

    you nearly sound as if you know him! I do fear that yes, even though a virgin, he will be able to say goodbye and only wonder where and when he might get to have pussy again. I like to think I am more special than that, but I fear you are right.

    If I am able to keep my emotions reigned in, not an easy thing for me, our friendship will be okay, somehow. But yes, I do believe one regrets what one doesn't do, or at least wonders about it forever. and I truly won't know, til I go.

    landing in amsterdam, going to rotterdam. yes I am overanalysing- as a psychologist/social worker, its in my nature I think :tongue: and he ALWAYS soothes my anxieties, I thought it was just him, not a dutch trait! Thank you.

    Thank you, Lee. Yes if sex does happen I have no doubt it will be special. It could never be a cheap fling, no matter the state of our friendship afterwards. we both do respect each other a great deal.

    I am trying- trying to just remain as I have been and natural and see what happens. But besides being analytical, I am a planner- perhaps I have some OCD tendencies :tongue: and I don't know how to be anyone but me, so THATS no problem! :smile:

    so far, I am the only one guilty of confusing me. I do need to let it go- stop worrying, and chill out. :smile:
     
  11. SassySpy

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    all I can say to you , is you know me perhaps better than anyone here, and you know how I feel about you.. and it is a bigger deal- but I am going to be the same person Ive always been, both there, and when I return, regardless. :kiss:
     
  12. Gisella

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    :tongue:

    2 weeks to go..and the tummy butterflies are getting excited with expectatives...its natural, but try to not loose your cool and focus on the fun of the trip Sassy.

    If I was you, I would take time to difuse this energy in activities, physical, relaxing new thing to lightening you up here and now...if you dont go academy you find one and take some fun classes...and well being centers always have things going on there...just sign up for interesting cool thing now, do it and as you return you keep going with that cool things you left here.

    The truth is we never know the vibes that will take place there regards sexual attraction etc etc but one thing we know you have to carry with you the expectation of having fun there , with or without sex! And hey you are going there for the 1st time?! Make a plan and research what you want to go and explore there as if you were going alone adventure to make friends...I would do it as trying to have mind set to have fun with a cool friend/s and to know a different place and people..and whatever happens will!

    Kisses and dont forget is diffusing the energy anxiety etc you have right now.

    Have fun baby right here right now with yourself, go light go cool!!! Here you go Sassy girl !!! :cool:
     
  13. SassySpy

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    Thank you, my beautiful brasilian sister. Yes you are right, I need to stay busy and work off nervous energy. I find for the first time since I've known him, we are arguing- we never have before. I know we are nervous, and yet there is more, so much more, I think that might or might not happen. Its time I give my emotions a rest, and him a rest from them! :kiss:
     
  14. transformer_99

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    A virgin ? How old is he ? Only asking that because it would be pretty presumptuous to think he's going to part ways with his virginity ? That's not a slam on you either, but I figure there are women in the area where you are visiting/he lives. If he hasn't been deflowered yet, who knows why or why not ?
     
  15. SassySpy

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    He's 31. and i dont take it as a slam on me, cos I know him, and I know why he's not "deflowered". Of course there are women in his area- he looks, he is attracted, but he doesn't talk to them. To say he is shy is an understatement. and there's more to it than that, regarding a low self esteem and an upbringing that well, added to his feelings of inadequacy. There's more that I won't go into, but there's nothing wrong with him physically at all, and mentally he is so sharp his intelligence alone is enough to make me hot-
    I am not actually preuming he will "part with his virginity". we are close enough that if there is any level of hesitancy from either of us, we are comfortable enough to say so.:smile:
     
  16. Whopper-lee

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    Be Safe, Be Careful & Enjoy!:wink:
     
  17. Love-it

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    I didn't have sex until I was 25, I was ready but the situation never presented itself. My first time was with a friend who was surprised that she was my first, she is the only other person other than my wife that I have had sex with and it was just that one time.

    So I don't think that his being a virgin is all that unusual and it's certainly not a crime.

    I was shy, awkward and didn't have a lot of self confidence, it took time to grow and at last be more comfortable with who I was/am.
     
  18. SassySpy

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    Thank you, Whopper I intend to- jeez why is it every time I see your name I get hungry?

    I'm glad you have reached that point, Love-it. I hope he does, too. And yes you are right, he too is awkward in social situations especially, but even in the year we've been friends I have seen growth- thank you for your insight :smile:
     
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