Who am I??

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Capacity, Nov 26, 2011.

  1. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    I'm hoping that you guys can give me a bit of, well, clarification (if that's the right word) about my situation.

    For as long as I can remember, I've had feelings for girls, but not long after I started puberty I began to notice guys. I always found myself attracted to the male form and began lookign at gay porn and paying more attention to the guys in straight porn. I was always of the opinion that I was probably gay.

    I then started dating girls and for a long time, I forgot about guys. I had no problem making love to girls and falling in love etc was no problem. Then whenever I broke up with them or our relationships were a bit rocky I would find myself looking at gay porn etc.

    Anyway, I've been single for about a year now and I started going on CraigsList and free dating websites and have had a couple of gay encounters (no sex). I started chatting online with a guy and got to know him over the course of a few months and we finally met and went on a date. The next week we had an argument and went our seperate ways. I missed his texts and phonecalls terribly. I found myself getting jealous when I saw he was in a relationship on facebook.

    What confuses me is that my family and friends see me as this arrogant, narcissistic jack the lad and I would never be able to come pout as Bisexual to them. I value closeness with a man the same I do with women but when I see myself in 20 years its with a wife and kids. When I think of being sexually intimate, its with me running my hands down a woman's body. I have no desire to have penetrative sexwith a man (although I would maybe try it) I just don't understand myself. I'm in a position now where I've been chatting to a guy and he wants to meet me. I think I've been leading him on a bit - he wants a relationship but he knows my situation regarding me not being out to my family and friends but he asked whether i was top or bottom and I told him I wasn't sure. I'd like to have someone to spend time with, but I don't want the sex. I feel like a mess.

    Sorry for the long waffle. Hopefully some of you can give me a few words of wisdom!
     
  2. D_HKx4ztc

    D_HKx4ztc New Member

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    I would suggest the only reason your vision of the future is with a wife and kids, and your picture of sexual intimacy is with a woman, is because that is the vision society has pushed on you throughout your life. I'd also say it's something most people who have same relationships go through. My advice would be not to make your decisions based on some idealised dream of a life plan. Go with whatever feels right at the moment. And it sounds like being with a guy is what feels right at the moment. It may not be long term, maybe it will be, but you shouldn't start a relationship thinking about that stuff anyway. If it keeps feeling right, keep doing it.

    I also don't think you need to worry about 'coming out' to your family. Why should you? If you end up having a relationship with a guy, then you will want them to meet him. And then you can deal with it. And they will be fine with it (although probably surprised at first!)

    Also, it sounds like the emotional attraction you have previously felt towards a guy is what a lot of people would call love. If you feel that way for someone, start a relationship. The sex stuff will work itself out. You'll find a way to make it work.

    Bottom line, sounds like you are having difficulty coming to terms with your sexuality. Go with what feels good right now. Good luck!
     
  3. erratic

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    fkr's got it dead-on, Capacity.

    I'm married to a dude, and was out in my teens, but up until I was about 20 I still had the image in my head of me married to a woman, with a brood of kids trailing behind. This is the story that the world has for all of us to follow, and it's hard to break your mind out of that story when it's pushed on you all day, every day - since birth, even. And, I can promise you, breaking free of what the world tells you to do is one of the best and most liberating things that's happened to me as a result of accepting the fact that I'm not straight.

    It certainly sounds like you're not straight. The "I don't want anal" thing is also totally normal - and totally fine. There are lots of self-identified 100% gay men who don't do anal, and there are lots who are slow to cotton on to it. That doesn't make them any less gay. And that's fine.

    There are millions of good, honest ways to live your life. The trick is in finding what works for you.
     
  4. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    I don't agree with the image of having a wife and a family as being some idealistic 'norm' that doesn't apply to me - I am still very much attracted to women and having sex with women is something which I want to do. I don't think that I loved the guy I mentioned - I won't go into much detail but my last relationship was turbulent and it really broke my faith in people and for that reason I will find it hard to love someone again. What I can admit to is that I think that I had feelings for the guy, and of course I was jealous when he stopped showing me attention.

    I think that I could get close to a guy, but in some ways when it comes to more than spending time and it gets to the stage where it gets sexual, I start to question whether I could become emotionally attached or whether it's just fun, y'know?
     
  5. DavidXL

    Verified Gold Member

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    I identify with a lot of what you wrote and agree that you've received some great advice above, particularly with the language that I marked in bold. I did a lot of handwringing over labels for years. It took me a long time to figure out that the truth, for me anyway, is that labels don't really work for someone like me, who is attracted to who I am attracted to, without a lot of regard to gender. While my interests and actual practices have been mostly with women, and I have only been in loving relationships with women, I am certain that if everything lined up right, I could absolutely have a sexual and loving relationship with a man.

    So, my overall advice is not to worry, relax, and go with what feels good right now. Everything will work out.

    Good luck!
     
  6. Silvertip

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    You're getting good advice here, just don't get too worked up over your quandary. I think the main thing to keep in mind is that there are infinite shades of grey between 100% straight (if there is such a thing) and 100% gay (if there is such a thing) and we're all unique individuals with our own unique needs and desires. Spend your time with guys (and gals) with whom you are comfortable and explore the possibilities at a rate with which you are comfortable. Recognize too that people can change over time, so keep an open mind to future possibilities. I have no doubt that you'll be able to work it out for the best.

    Most importantly, don't think of your lengthy post here as a "waffle". It's clearly of significant importance to you and should be considered with an appropriate level of seriousness.
     
  7. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    Thanks guys, I've been a member here for almost 5 years and I wish I had the good sense to post here sooner, I also wish I had taken some of the advice I have read over the years
     
  8. sexplease

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    I think when one see with the heart, one may perceive love, friends and family differently.
    Be patient - what feels right for you will happen ... when it does.
     
  9. Countryguy63

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    While you may not immediately agree with the above, it's actually excellent advice. There's questions in every relationship. It just get's more complicated when it is something like this.

    If I could add anything, it would be to try not to over anylize it. If you're not sure how deep you could get into a M/M relationship, just make that clear if and when you meet someone that interests you.

    If dating and having sex with women interests you, by all means continue. However, don't rule out a potential connection due to gender :smile:

    You are You. Let yourself be yourself (don't worry about what others think) :wink:
     
  10. AlphaMale

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    Well sounds like you are bisexual, and there is nothing wrong with that. Most people are bisexual anyway, they just repress or deny their homosexual side (others repress/deny their heterosexual side).

    Marriage and kids are overrated. Most people get into a marriage/kids relationship because they feel like it is something that they have to do, rather than something they actually want to do.

    To society, marriage/kids = tough, manly and bisexual/gay = weak, womanly. Granted, neither of those are true. It's just the way our dumb society views them.

    Do whatever you feel is right for you, not what you feel your family or friends think is right for you. It's your life and relationships, not theirs.
     
    #10 AlphaMale, Nov 27, 2011
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2011
  11. houtx48

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    sounds like somebody was bored.............
     
  12. matelalique

    matelalique Active Member

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    young man - you have some issues. But nothing too serious.

    (a) you're a bi man enjoying his straighter side.
    (b) you're a gay man enjoying his straighter side.
    (c) you're a straight man with some odd dreams.

    I'm a gay man, kind-of like straight porn with hot boys, and I always fastforward through the pussy licking parts because I find it unpleasant (apologies to any ladies here - there are men who will love your pussy, it's not me). When I was in college I thought I was straight, and watched lots of straight porn.

    What are you? You're a bisexual on the 0-6 spectrum - like the rest of us.

    The real problem is with men in general where you need to be wholly gay or wholly straight to be a man.

    It sounds like you are enjoying straight sex and gay porn quite comfortably. I see no reason to change any of this - and since you're in your 20s, and in Scotland, you can probably mention this to chicky (offensive, I know), and it will be what it will be.

    so ... enjoy your sexuality, and enjoy sex with men, ... be safe and certainly take care of others that you might expose, if that is a problem.
     
  13. Capacity

    Capacity New Member

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    Although I appreciate what you're trying to say - I don't think many women would appreciate their boyfriend admitting to liking gay porn. And what living in Scotland has to do with it, I don't know!
     
  14. hrdhatdad

    hrdhatdad Active Member

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    If you're lucky enough to fall in love and it happens to be with a woman, will it really matter if you have an appreciation for men if your goal is monogamy?
     
  15. D_Phil_R_Upp

    D_Phil_R_Upp New Member

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    Capacity, no matter what you sort out to in the end, please do NOT make decisions about your life based on what you think your family may, or may not, expect or want you to do.

    The word "should" needs to be thrown out of your vocabulary. And if your family sees you in a different way than you really are, either you're not showing them your true self, or they aren't willing to see your true self. Either way, you can't let that drive your life or your future.

    I think the others have given you great advice….it sounds like you wanted to put a period on the end of a sentence and sort of "define" where you were at, but you may still be on the journey. When you find that right person, man or woman, you will know.

    One more thing I'll say: A lot of men who are bi or even gay get very disappointed and disillusioned at the whole gay bar, online hookup scenes…because it's rarer than unicorns to find a relationship using those methods. Just remember that if you want to find someone worth the long run, look outside of those venues…and again, this is man or woman. Those things can be fun if you just want to get your dick off, but they are the McDonald's of social interactions….if you want something more you've got to look in other places and get involved in other things.
     
  16. helgaleena

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    AS a publisher of erotic fiction of the romantic persuasion, most of which is read by women, may I assure you that you are wrong in assuming this? You would be surprised! The fastest growing genre in my experience is MM erotica written by and aimed at women! --check my press link below for lovely examples.
     
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