Who do you think is to blame when men stray?

[Runco]

This is a question about male infidelity. We all know it goes on (as does female infidelity but this question is just about men). This is not supposed to be a moan fest or a blame fest or a down on men thing. This is about seeking views. There is a serious reason behind this question, which will be revealed after some responses have been posted.

 

[naughty]

Self Interest. I also think it gets rather sticky if no formal vows have been taken. There are those who believe that until the altar all bets are off if they find something or someone who suits their fancy a bit better.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

In the end it is him that chooses his fate and actions but each situation is different and it is impossible to blame one gender for all circumstances.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I felt I had to vote 'not sure' because it can depend on circumstances. More than 9 times out of 10 I would say it is the man's fault when he strays outside the boundaries of whatever agreement he has with his partner (just as it is the woman's fault when she strays). BUT I do know some hetro relationships where the woman makes unreasonable demands on the man - example: a guy with a high sex drive and a wife who refuses sex and refuses the man the option of a condoned affair. Yes, the guy should either renegotiate the fidelity agreement or leave the relationship - but maybe he doesn't think he wants to, perhaps there are kids involved, and then temptation comes along and something happens. I would say at least some of the blame lays with the female partner in that situation.

I do strongly feel though that blaming the third party completely or more than the man is ridiculous. A wife who blames her husband's affair entirely on the other woman (or other man) is deluding herself. I'm not saying women who chase other women's husbands do not exist, but the responsibility of resisting (or not) advances of that kind lies with the man.

 

[B_cherri]

All different reasons:frown1:

 

[Pitbull]

The man always has at least some of the blame and sometimes all of it.
After all he made a decision to be unfaithful.

Sometimes the woman contributes by neglecting her responsibilities in a relationship.

Third parties and life pressures are poor excuses for bad behavior. There are always other people available and life has pressures. They need to be dealt with in ways that do not damage a relationship

 

[bbblowme]

I was just with the most amazing girl (well I thought she was) for almost a year and never thought of cheating on her. Sucks for her.

 

[got_lost]

Ack.... I haven't voted yet... I can't make up my mind!!!

If it were 'who is responsible' then I'd say the man, cos at the end of the day, he made the choice.

But 'blame'....

I'm not an advocate for 'blame' anyway and as others have already said, there can be a whole load of factors behind the reasons for the 'choice' he made.

Will give some more thought to it while I'm at work this evening!

 

[StraightCock4Her]

That's like saying because Germany invaded the whole of Europe we're going to invade saudi arabia...


Ohh, Germany didn't know what they were doing.... It was those ebul saudis!





Only people can make their own decisions.

 

[Catchoftheday]

Two answers...

You shouldn't blame anyone, blame is wholly negative and destructive. It is always better to find something more constructive...

Men are like dogs, usually the reason they stray is because some bitch is on heat

 

[Ldnn]

I believe it's healthy to look at yourself to try to improve all the time, people who arn't going forward in their lives tend to be a little dull.

However if the other person cheated, it's their fault for not deciding to discuss the issues and their desires instead of just ignoring them - however not every relationship has people capable of empathy to the extent that such discussion is possible.

 

[Runco]

It seems to me that consensus is when men stray, they will generally do it because there is something wrong in the relationship or because there is an opportunity to go elsewhere. Whatever the case is, the view seems to be that men and women are jointly responsible when a man strays, although the decision to cheat is obviously the man's and the woman can push him down that road if she behaves unreasonably (i.e. refuses him sex).

Thanks for your replies so far, which happen to coincide with my own views (i.e. the reasons why men stray are not always clear cut and seldom the responsibility of one person). Now the reason behind starting this post and poll will be revealed.

A counsellor turned author claims that women are to blame for their husbands' indiscretions. In his book, The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, the author (Psychotherapist Gary Neuman) says a woman should praise her man for providing for the family, even if she earns more than him. Mr Neuman also says that the woman should always forgive the man for straying, provide sex on demand and take an interest in his hobbies. Obviously he says a bit more than this (the attached article refers) but I am not going to replicate it all here.

I am not sure if I should be more appalled that there is someone out there writing a book that suggests that women are entirely at fault when their men stray (and should become doormats to be subservient and stepped on for life in order to prevent it happening) or by the fact that hundreds of thousands of women are lapping up this claptrap! Do not get me wrong. I do think men have a strong biological need for sex and if a woman fails to give him sex regularly, chances are he will look for it elsewhere. But what this author is suggesting is that men are never at fault for the decisions they make when it comes to infidelity and the woman MUST subjugate herself completely to her man otherwise the marriage will fail and it will be her fault. In other words, the author is suggesting that the man is somehow more equal in a relationship than a woman and therefore more worthy (or deserving?) of praise, acknowledgment and respect. I cannot agree with that. After all, what would be in the relationship for the woman? Any views?

• Would YOU rush to get married if these things were suggested to you before the nuptials?
• Does anyone agree with Mr Neuman's statements about the role that women should play at home and within the marriage?
• Do you think giving men unlimited sex will stop them straying and do you have any views about how a woman being subservient to a man's needs might affect this?
• Do you think men stray because their wives fail to dress sexily enough at home?
• Do you think praising a man's financial and other contribution to the home is the answer?

I have to say on the last one my ex would have been livid and would have told me that I was patronising him purely because I earned a hell of a lot more than he did. But that's me.

Supposing you do all of the above and your man still strays. What would you conclude from this?

 

[timincm]

A more interesting question might be, is monogamy really a natural state for humans or is it an outmoded social construct -- an ancient square peg which we continue to attempt to force into a round hole?

 

[Runco]

A more interesting question might be, is monogamy really a natural state for humans or is it an outmoded social construct -- an ancient square peg which we continue to attempt to force into a round hole?

This question would probably carry more weight if we were still living naked in caves and men were still clubbing women over the head in order to mate with them. The real questions are "is the expectation of monogamy unrealistic?" And "are humans little more than animals with no real control over their baser instincts?"

 

[timincm]

The real questions are "is the expectation of monogamy unrealistic?" And "are humans little more than animals with no real control over their baser instincts?"

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but humans are animals. There is no difference between us and people in caves other than 10,000 years of socialization. Again I say to you that monogamy is a social construct.

 

[deleted213967]

Men should not be able to stray.

I would sue the leash manufacturer.

Any good litigation lawyer in the house?

 

[Runco]

I hate to be the one to have to tell you this but humans are animals. There is no difference between us and people in caves other than 10,000 years of socialization. Again I say to you that monogamy is a social construct.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one. Humans are sentient beings with complete control over what they do. To say otherwise is to sanction anything and everything including serial killing, rape, torture, war and every other vile behavior that a human is capable of simply because "we are (allegedly) at the mercy of our more animalistic instincts". That's baloney. Humans do not stray because they are animals. They stray because they are selfish, immature and have little or no respect for others within their partnership. If we are fundamentally such animals, why would someone who is going to run around cheating bother to get married in the first place?

 

[ThreeLegs]

Interesting thread. In my opinion, be it the male OR female cheating, I think both parties are to blame to a certain extent, though I would place more blame on the cheater. In many cases, the one being cheated on may have neglected the relationship in one form or another leaving the other person feeling dissatisfied and wanting to search for satisfaction other places. However, when someone makes a monogamous vow and doesn't take the responsibility to discuss and resolve their dissatisfaction, not only are they equally to blame for neglecting their duties in the relationship, but more so because they broke their vow to the other. For those who cheat just because the opportunity is there and no other reason, well, they should just be beaten with an ugly stick. In any case, I view infidelity as more than unacceptable behavior no matter the reason/excuse.

 

[jeff black]

This intrigues me. Both sides have been mentioned quite well, so I won't repeat them.

What I will say, is that I think people go into a relationship thinking it will work. When they find out it can't, some stray, some freak out, and some make it work out. I'd personally think that you have to look at it on a case by case basis.

 

[timincm]

If we are fundamentally such animals, why would someone who is going to run around cheating bother to get married in the first place?

Because marriage is what people are socialized into doing. We are taught and blindly believe that we grow up and marry and have families. Most of the time that does not work because there is no fluidity We are taught that monogamy is the only correct system for people who love each other. I question the truth of that. Why can't two people love each other and also be free to love other people. My partner's sexlife outside of my relationship with him or her is not my business and has nothing whatsoever to do his or her love for me. I would not feel betrayed by my partner having sex with someone else. I would, however, feel very betrayed if my lover was, for example, looking out the window at a beautiful person and got turned on by that person and expected to have sex with me because we are lovers and therefore only have sex with each other. I would rather my lover did what he or she wanted with the other person rather than use my body as a masturbatory tool while they are thinking of someone else.