Amen Sister!! Even after the alter I would say.
I didn't vote because I didn't agree with the options but I would say if they find something better suited they are going to go for it.
Who do you think is to blame when men stray?
- Thread starter Runco
- Start date
Amen Sister!! Even after the alter I would say.
I didn't vote because I didn't agree with the options but I would say if they find something better suited they are going to go for it.
Drifterwood
Superior Member
Great thread.
I'd like to throw in a few observations.
I think it is naive to expect people to remain the same throughout their lives, especially when some people make a committment when they are barely grown up despite what they might think. How can you expect people to commit to monogamy when they don't know what it really means to the person that they will become?
If you are not married and you find a better partner, isn't it sensible to move on, even if you test to see whether the grass is greener first? Isn't that behaviour what Runco is referring to with married women who have other men's kids? just they don't leave the comfy nest.
Be honest, haven't you ever heard every excuse under the sun for a woman cheating from her female friends, yet men are always bastards? This certainly happened to a good friend of mine who got divorced (expensively) after his wife had had two affairs.
Conversely, I have heard older women in some cultures blame the wife when a man cheats.
I'd like to throw in a few observations.
I think it is naive to expect people to remain the same throughout their lives, especially when some people make a committment when they are barely grown up despite what they might think. How can you expect people to commit to monogamy when they don't know what it really means to the person that they will become?
If you are not married and you find a better partner, isn't it sensible to move on, even if you test to see whether the grass is greener first? Isn't that behaviour what Runco is referring to with married women who have other men's kids? just they don't leave the comfy nest.
Be honest, haven't you ever heard every excuse under the sun for a woman cheating from her female friends, yet men are always bastards? This certainly happened to a good friend of mine who got divorced (expensively) after his wife had had two affairs.
Conversely, I have heard older women in some cultures blame the wife when a man cheats.
- Maia,
In the cases which I know both the husband and wife and the husband cheated... it was the wife who was at fault. Everyone could have seen infidelity coming from miles off because of the way these women were treating their husbands. Telling your husband he is lazy, uneducated, no good, etcetera and then sending him off to work where the ladies tell him how hard working, smart, and quality he is... is not good strategy for keeping a man.
If the man wanted to stay married, and cheated, and got caught and got a divorce, its his fault, he loves his wife, then he will find a way to work it out. His fault only.
However, if the woman treated him like shit, or didnt give him what he needs, and he didnt care about the relationship, but just stuck with (cuz you stick with what you got till you find something better right? lol) then its her fault.
A woman would leave a man if he didnt treat her right (in most cases, some are severe beating type things where the woman is scared to leave or whatever) as quick a lightning. Women are very independant, they will go be a single mother faster than licketly split if you are not treating her right. I think the man would have the same right to leave her. But I guess instead of leaving, they would just cheat, cuz men dont like change.
However, if the woman treated him like shit, or didnt give him what he needs, and he didnt care about the relationship, but just stuck with (cuz you stick with what you got till you find something better right? lol) then its her fault.
A woman would leave a man if he didnt treat her right (in most cases, some are severe beating type things where the woman is scared to leave or whatever) as quick a lightning. Women are very independant, they will go be a single mother faster than licketly split if you are not treating her right. I think the man would have the same right to leave her. But I guess instead of leaving, they would just cheat, cuz men dont like change.
B_Think_Kink
Sexy Member
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
in my experience men stray for two reasons, and they depend upon the man.
An asshole player will stray because he has opportunity.'THis has little or nothing to do with the woman... its pure opportunism on the part of a man with questionable ethics.
Good men... men who want to be true, will stray when their wives make them feel like they are doing them a favor by having sex with them.
Women are driven by security issues... but men are driven by desire issues.
What men want, more than anything else, is to feel that you desire them, admire them and want them, physically.
If you are making your man feel like sex is a reward, or a chore... if you treat him like he's stupid or a doofus... if you speak to him disrepectfully and condescendingly... then, sooner or later, when he runs across a woman who treats him like he's worthy and desirable... he is gonna be unable to resist that attention, that opportunity.
A good man deserves your attention, your desire and your respect.
And a good man will willingly walk away from a lifetime's work, just to feel the sensation of a womans's admiration and desire.
The lesson.... make the conscious choice , every day, to forget every slight, every disappointment and decide to SEE your man with the same eyes that first drew you to him.
And for men... the same. Look at your woman with the same devotion, joy and sympathy, every single day, that you felt when you fell for her.
Its a CHOICE we can make.
We do not have to allow resentment to make us inconsiderate of each other.
Understand what your mate needs from you... and willingly, joyfully, find it in yourself to offer it.
Or live alone.
An asshole player will stray because he has opportunity.'THis has little or nothing to do with the woman... its pure opportunism on the part of a man with questionable ethics.
Good men... men who want to be true, will stray when their wives make them feel like they are doing them a favor by having sex with them.
Women are driven by security issues... but men are driven by desire issues.
What men want, more than anything else, is to feel that you desire them, admire them and want them, physically.
If you are making your man feel like sex is a reward, or a chore... if you treat him like he's stupid or a doofus... if you speak to him disrepectfully and condescendingly... then, sooner or later, when he runs across a woman who treats him like he's worthy and desirable... he is gonna be unable to resist that attention, that opportunity.
A good man deserves your attention, your desire and your respect.
And a good man will willingly walk away from a lifetime's work, just to feel the sensation of a womans's admiration and desire.
The lesson.... make the conscious choice , every day, to forget every slight, every disappointment and decide to SEE your man with the same eyes that first drew you to him.
And for men... the same. Look at your woman with the same devotion, joy and sympathy, every single day, that you felt when you fell for her.
Its a CHOICE we can make.
We do not have to allow resentment to make us inconsiderate of each other.
Understand what your mate needs from you... and willingly, joyfully, find it in yourself to offer it.
Or live alone.
Drifterwood
Superior Member
I think what you say is a fair assesment Phil, one sided perhaps, but then the question is.
I can relate to what Runco is saying. This is not the 1950's. Women have many more roles to fulfil and juggling these would certainly be beyond me I think. Kids, home, career and hubby's sexual and ego needs is a tough act to get right.
I have to say, that though I grew up in the thick of late feminism, it seems to me to be an "ideal" that should not be imposed upon all women (being superwoman) and I think more women are now making choices that they can happily handle and give quality time to. Men are allowed to be achievers in one thing and be forgiven for being at best absent minded with regards to their home and family, whilst women are still not given this slack.
So whilst I agree with Phil's diagnosis as to why men will stray, I think men need to look at what their partners have to deal with and see if they can help the situation before it gets out of hand. I don't have any time for spoiled women though.
I can relate to what Runco is saying. This is not the 1950's. Women have many more roles to fulfil and juggling these would certainly be beyond me I think. Kids, home, career and hubby's sexual and ego needs is a tough act to get right.
I have to say, that though I grew up in the thick of late feminism, it seems to me to be an "ideal" that should not be imposed upon all women (being superwoman) and I think more women are now making choices that they can happily handle and give quality time to. Men are allowed to be achievers in one thing and be forgiven for being at best absent minded with regards to their home and family, whilst women are still not given this slack.
So whilst I agree with Phil's diagnosis as to why men will stray, I think men need to look at what their partners have to deal with and see if they can help the situation before it gets out of hand. I don't have any time for spoiled women though.
I think men like to blame women for not being able to control themselves. Maybe they blame the slut, maybe they blame the good girl (or whatever) at home, because they cannot face themselves and their own loss of their own control.
That combined with the fact that arousal is an uncontrollable feeling make for a volatile mental combination.
Another book that comes to mind is Ingo Swann's Psychic Sexuality, which talks about the auras of the sexually aroused. Swann talks about viewing energy snaking out from a woman's clit and wrapping around the man she is interested in and reeling him in. She does not need to be in the same room even, and he is nearly incapable of resistance.
So how do we reconcile the DeMeo books understanding and the Swann's understanding if true:
I'm not really sure, but I think sexuality is so misunderstood, evilized, idolitized, so much so that we don't even know what normal is anymore.
We are faced with making our own reality in our relationships whatever that may be.
That combined with the fact that arousal is an uncontrollable feeling make for a volatile mental combination.
Another book that comes to mind is Ingo Swann's Psychic Sexuality, which talks about the auras of the sexually aroused. Swann talks about viewing energy snaking out from a woman's clit and wrapping around the man she is interested in and reeling him in. She does not need to be in the same room even, and he is nearly incapable of resistance.
So how do we reconcile the DeMeo books understanding and the Swann's understanding if true:
I'm not really sure, but I think sexuality is so misunderstood, evilized, idolitized, so much so that we don't even know what normal is anymore.
We are faced with making our own reality in our relationships whatever that may be.
I think this is a very open question, which couldn't even begin to be answered in a poll.
Saying that, the question could be turned around to ask about women straying. There are so many factors that could be involved that the above list doesn't even come close to being complete enough.
Saying that, the question could be turned around to ask about women straying. There are so many factors that could be involved that the above list doesn't even come close to being complete enough.
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