Who I AM

[Lex]

You know--this place and the people here never cease to amaze me. I have been a part of many online communities and hardly any of them feel as personal and cozy as this one. It's like one big inner city block where we all played stick-ball in the street and sat on the stoops with or parents yelling at all of us all the time.

Freddie--I'll keep you in my thoughts man. Jana and everyone else said it so much better than I ever could. Stay in touch (or stay around).

**Big pat on the back**

 

[Freddie53]

Thanks to everyone. If I left you out of the list, and you have talked to me, it was an oversight. You guys are absolutely wondeful.

And out of this, I have a new friend, Chris. We will be friends for a lifetime I am sure. He is one hell of a guy.

I will be out until Wednesday. Jacinto you will have to be the Christian religion editor by yourself for two days. I am sure you can handle it. To Jana, I leave the responsiblity to telling those who need it to......well I bet Jana can find the right word to fit the occassion.
Pecker I like the new avator for a while.... but your old one can't be beat. Do keep up the humor.

And Ashlar it would good to hear you say "Your still an idiot." one more time.

And to the fleshpile. I will be ready and rarin to jump back in when I return. Don't any of you do anything I wouldn't do while I am gone.

If you can't be good at least be good at it.


Love you all,

Freddie

 

[13788]

surlikalot: Well freddy, you do sound like a dedicated person in your relationships. If I understand correctly, you are not having extra marital sexual relationships regardless of the issue of consent. I am assumming that this is based on your belief in the covenent of marriage as a life long commitment, period. I would understand more if you had minor children who, I believe, do best with a consistent, predictable family structure. I do think it is unfortunate that you dont feel entitled, or so it seems, to an intimate sexual relationship. Not to suggest that your relationship with your wife is not perfectly intimate in other areas. I do believe, generally, that women fare better in non-sexual marriages than men. They seem to be able to find fulfillment in other areas, whereas men seem to need sex as a part of an exclusive relationship more than women do. I have no scientific or sociological data to back up my opinion. It's just a personal observation about your situation and male/female differences. I would be interested in what you and others think about this

 

[surferboy]

Freddie, you know we all love you. I'm sorry to hear about what's goin on brah. You've been there for me, and if it's at all possible, I wish to help you as you've helped me. Also, a few comments. Please don't take them the wrong way. Like, I just wanna get some things cleared up, because I love ya like a father.

My wife and I have a good marriage. Sex doesn't have to be part of a marriage.

I think there has to be a degree of sexual attraction for a marriage to work.

My wife and I will stay married as long as she wants it to. I will remian faithful to her and not get into sexual relationships with other men as long as we are married. The subject of me being gay has never come up. I made my vows to her and will honor them.

That doesn't seem fair to either one of you. Like, you wanna be with guys, but yer married and won't cheat on her. That's like, so totally admirable of you. However, it's still not fair to either one of you. I honestly think a divorce would be better for you two. There's nothing that says you two can't be like, friends or anything. But that's just my opinion on yer sitch. I hope, no matter what you do, that you find happiness.


*hugs Freddie* Try to stay stoked brah.


Love,
:wub: :wub: :wub: Nixxy :wub: :wub: :wub:

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by surferboy@Apr 5 2005, 04:53 PM
Freddie, you know we all love you. I'm sorry to hear about what's goin on brah. You've been there for me, and if it's at all possible, I wish to help you as you've helped me. Also, a few comments. Please don't take them the wrong way. Like, I just wanna get some things cleared up, because I love ya like a father.

My wife and I have a good marriage. Sex doesn't have to be part of a marriage.

I think there has to be a degree of sexual attraction for a marriage to work.

My wife and I will stay married as long as she wants it to. I will remian faithful to her and not get into sexual relationships with other men as long as we are married. The subject of me being gay has never come up. I made my vows to her and will honor them.

That doesn't seem fair to either one of you. Like, you wanna be with guys, but yer married and won't cheat on her. That's like, so totally admirable of you. However, it's still not fair to either one of you. I honestly think a divorce would be better for you two. There's nothing that says you two can't be like, friends or anything. But that's just my opinion on yer sitch. I hope, no matter what you do, that you find happiness.


*hugs Freddie* Try to stay stoked brah.


Love,
:wub: :wub: :wub: Nixxy :wub: :wub: :wub:

[post=297391]Quoted post[/post]​

There is a degree of sexual attraction there Nexxie. It is just a shadow of what once was there. Also, there are financial reasons to stay together. And I really do love her. I just am not interested in sex with her anymore. We work together in church. We are a team as far as this town is concerned and we are at every wedding, funeral and you name it.

But a divorce would provide tragic consequences for both of us. She has some needs that I help with and she helps me a lot as well.

Also, I might as well break it to you. My sex drive ability is still there, but heavily compromised by the spinal cord injury and the medications that I take for it. So the sex drive simply is not as important factor for either of us.

But, still there is guilt being the real me sexually is Freddie and yet I live a life in the straight world.

I have often thought about what you have said and have considered divorce. When and if the time comes that I really believe that all would be better of if we divorce I will do that then. As of now, I would be the only one to benefit from it and I might not then.

And last. You just don't know what this post meant to me. Nixxie. To say that you love me as a father. Thanks. I needed that badly today.

I love you so much. You are everything I would like to be. You are open and proud of you you are. I love you attidude about your penis. Woudln't want bigger or smaller. That is the attitude to take be proud of what you are. But then don't be a braggart and you are not.

You can bet that sweet ass of yours that if your were around here I could proudly call you my son with no hesitations or apoligies needed.

Just remember that I am here. I took on a vow of helping others long time ago. And nothing would please me more then to know I could help you in any situation.
And just knowing that you felt like you could share how you feel in love means a lot to me.

May the Creator bless you as you understand the Creator to Be.

With love,

*Big Hugs and Kisses*

Freddie

:wub: :wub: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :loveya:

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by ChimeraTX@Apr 5 2005, 06:56 PM
I like you a lot, Freddie. I don't mean to use the generic thing to say to people who are sick, but I feel it is neccesary. I sincerely hope you get better, Freddie. I hope that is some good consolation to you.

[post=297430]Quoted post[/post]​

You are wonderful for a young man your age. And yes it is consulation to me. I shoulld probably be dead, yet I live and have friends everywhere. I am very blessed person. And you guys here have blessed me greatly.

I can still direct youth events, I even floated a mountain river with someone else doing most of the work in the back. I hang in there. The medication does take its toll though and I have developed some "new" problems such as blood pressure going to high and too low. But I will win. With God's help and friends like here, I will win.

And , so many people are afraid of what to say to a sick person. Most young people that I deal with in retreats only know that I am stooped. They realize after a while that my legs are not that strong and I sometimes have trouble walking. But I still can beat most teens in arm wrestling. The nerve damage is not as great in the arms. Most young people have no idea how much damage there has been to my body and the symptoms I have to deal with sometimes.

You are brilliant. I hope you realzie that. You can use your brilliance for good or bad. And don't confuse brilliance for wisdom. They aren't the same. Wisdom comes with age. You are already wise beyond your years as well.

So thanks bunches.

Love you
*Hugs and Kisses*

Freddie

:wub: :wub: :hug: :hug:

 

[jonb]

Oh, about hell: The "pop images" of hell and Satan I blame on three authors: Dante, Milton, and Goethe.

Personally, I'm surprised about the idea of hell. From my standpoint, no father would burn his sons, yet the very fact that God allows hell to exist . . .

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by jonb@Apr 6 2005, 01:44 AM
Oh, about hell: The "pop images" of hell and Satan I blame on three authors: Dante, Milton, and Goethe.

Personally, I'm surprised about the idea of hell. From my standpoint, no father would burn his sons, yet the very fact that God allows hell to exist . . .

[post=297572]Quoted post[/post]​

You got it right at the first, our images of hell are mainly from secular authors and not the Bible. There is one passage in the New Testament, but it was a parable and not a literal story.

Hell is just the dumping place of all evil thoughts and deeds. No one has to go there. I suppose if a person really refuses to go into heaven, he would be left out and that would be hell. But God will allow all who wish to enter. The Book of Revelation almost didn't make the canon of the Bible. There was serious opposition to including it as Scripture. I take Revelation as written as a Greek play. It is not a literal book, but a book full of imagery and figurative language.

No, God doesn't make his sons go burn in a hell. As I said if one of them refuses to enter heaven, then that is that particular son's problem. Not Gods.

At Calvery, I believe that Jesus paid the sin for EVERYONE. ALL SINS were forgiven. IT is just a matter of whether a person wants to spend eternity with God, the Father or not.

Jesus said himself that he would see other people who would know him by other names. YEP, it is in the Bible, Christians often try to overlook that passage. It is there in the Gospels.

As I have told you before, I fully expect to see you in heaven. I believe you know God and more importantly God knows you.

If God is the Father, then we are brothers.

Freddie

 

[jonb]

Even then, I can't imagine what it would be like without my dark side.

Let me tell you a story: Inktomi began as the god of wisdom, but slowly slipped into the ways of chaos after Gnas defeated him. Anyway, Iya once swallowed the world. Inktomi asked Iya to eat him as well. Iya did so, and Inktomi cut open Iya's stomach.

 

[husky14620]

Top quoting because the original is so long...

I was going to pm or e-mail freddie directly. Even though I am mostly a lurker, I was moved by his original post. And initially, I felt somewhat similar feelings to those expressed here by Nixxy. But as I read and re-read Freddie's original post, and then read this reply to Nixxy, I felt I should say it "out loud".

I am very impressed by your commitment to your marriage. I can tell just from reading your messages that you love your wife emotionally very much. And that you take your wedding vows very seriously. I truly wish more people took those vows that seriously. And I wish more people would consider the meaning of those vows much more before speaking them. You obviously did, even with what understanding of your sexuality you may have had at the time.

I also wanted to tell you that people like you make me believe that there is hope that the "church" may yet find its way back into the light. I myself no longer have the faith you so clearly express. I do believe that a higher power set all of this great universe into motion, I just no longer believe it was or is all loving, all seeing, and all powerful. That there are people like you still left in the world makes me at least examine my reasons for losing that belief. Thank you.

Nixxy, just because they no longer are having sex doesn't mean it is unfair to either of them. If they are both getting what they want from the relationship, then it is good and right. That isn't to say it would be right for you, but they must decide JOINTLY that it is what they want.

That said, I must add that, as I read Freddie's reply, he is being a little unfair to his wife though. She should know the truth about his desire. He should make it clear that he does still have some desire for her( as he has stated ), that he loves her, and will remain faithful to her, if that is what he intends. But only Freddie knows how she might handle it, and, despite his never having brought it up, she may actually know already. But again, that is and should be, between them.

Freddie has shown much more honor about this than many men in his (marital) situation. I have been solicited many times by married men who are "in love" with their wives but aren't having physical relations with them (or so they claim). I always turn them down. Not so much out of any great character on my part, but on the realization that, if they lie to and cheat on their wives, they would lie to and cheat on me too. And probably are. Those wives should be told, but it isn't my place to do it.

Freddie, be well and take care of yourself. Don't let those philistines and pharasies at your church change you in any way. Let their vile perversions of your faith roll off you and leave you unswayed. Keep your light shining and unsullied by them, and I am sure you will be vindicated in the end.

"Mother"

Originally posted by Freddie53+Apr 5 2005, 07:35 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Freddie53 &#064; Apr 5 2005, 07:35 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-surferboy@Apr 5 2005, 04:53 PM
Freddie, you know we all love you. I&#39;m sorry to hear about what&#39;s goin on brah. You&#39;ve been there for me, and if it&#39;s at all possible, I wish to help you as you&#39;ve helped me. Also, a few comments. Please don&#39;t take them the wrong way. Like, I just wanna get some things cleared up, because I love ya like a father.

My wife and I have a good marriage. Sex doesn&#39;t have to be part of a marriage.

I think there has to be a degree of sexual attraction for a marriage to work.

My wife and I will stay married as long as she wants it to. I will remian faithful to her and not get into sexual relationships with other men as long as we are married. The subject of me being gay has never come up. I made my vows to her and will honor them.

That doesn&#39;t seem fair to either one of you. Like, you wanna be with guys, but yer married and won&#39;t cheat on her. That&#39;s like, so totally admirable of you. However, it&#39;s still not fair to either one of you. I honestly think a divorce would be better for you two. There&#39;s nothing that says you two can&#39;t be like, friends or anything. But that&#39;s just my opinion on yer sitch. I hope, no matter what you do, that you find happiness.


*hugs Freddie* Try to stay stoked brah.


Love,
:wub: :wub: :wub: Nixxy :wub: :wub: :wub:

[post=297391]Quoted post[/post]​

There is a degree of sexual attraction there Nexxie. It is just a shadow of what once was there. Also, there are financial reasons to stay together. And I really do love her. I just am not interested in sex with her anymore. We work together in church. We are a team as far as this town is concerned and we are at every wedding, funeral and you name it.

But a divorce would provide tragic consequences for both of us. She has some needs that I help with and she helps me a lot as well.

Also, I might as well break it to you. My sex drive ability is still there, but heavily compromised by the spinal cord injury and the medications that I take for it. So the sex drive simply is not as important factor for either of us.

But, still there is guilt being the real me sexually is Freddie and yet I live a life in the straight world.

I have often thought about what you have said and have considered divorce. When and if the time comes that I really believe that all would be better of if we divorce I will do that then. As of now, I would be the only one to benefit from it and I might not then.

And last. You just don&#39;t know what this post meant to me. Nixxie. To say that you love me as a father. Thanks. I needed that badly today.

I love you so much. You are everything I would like to be. You are open and proud of you you are. I love you attidude about your penis. Woudln&#39;t want bigger or smaller. That is the attitude to take be proud of what you are. But then don&#39;t be a braggart and you are not.

You can bet that sweet ass of yours that if your were around here I could proudly call you my son with no hesitations or apoligies needed.

Just remember that I am here. I took on a vow of helping others long time ago. And nothing would please me more then to know I could help you in any situation.
And just knowing that you felt like you could share how you feel in love means a lot to me.

May the Creator bless you as you understand the Creator to Be.

With love,

*Big Hugs and Kisses*

Freddie

:wub: :wub: :hug: :hug: :loveya: :loveya:

[post=297422]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

 

[Freddie53]

Thanks for writing. You show a lot of wisdom. When you mentioned Nexxie, I didn&#39;t make it clear to him the difference in the sex drive of a 20 year old and an 53 year old, expecially if the 53 year old is in poor health. The mental desire is there and sometimes the physical part works too, but not as often. Masturbation at age 20 was a twice daily ritual except sometimes on weekends when it would be more than that. Now ejaculation isn&#39;t going to happen every time. Basically it only happens when the prostate gets full enough. Enough on my physical problems.

You admire my faith and tell me not to let the "fakes" at the church get me down. That shows that you haven&#39;t completely quit believing. I still believe in a loving God who will fix everything in time. Our problem is the Creation story. We try to make it a dead end street. I see Creation as a continuing process. God is not through. But when God is through threre will be nothing left except perfection or completeness which is what perfection means in the Bible.

Our problem is that we see Creation through the eyes we have which at best are less than 100 years old. But Creation has been going on for eons of time. And in time my perfection will come. We have to see both this side and the other side to make it complete. Just looking at the Creation on this side gives a false impression of what God has in store for each of us. And it will be absolutely fantastic.

Give up on the church, give up on the fundies, give up on humanity. But don&#39;t give up on God. If God is who God says God is in any religion then that competeness or perfection is awating us.

So please don&#39;t walk out on God. God loves you very much and wants wonderful things for you. It just takes time and sometimes lots of it. And sometimes it doesn&#39;t happen until beyond the grave.

I just marvel at the wonderful things you people say about me. I know that I am not perfect. My only real redeeming quality is that I truly love people. It is a gift from God himself I think. I just adored my students and they have become mind for a lifetime.

My proudest moment as a teacher was the period I was really too weak to teach. They set up a stool and big stand so I wouldn&#39;t have to stand or move around. The students were absolutely wonderful. I asked my principal how I manged to make a day and the students didn&#39;t absolutely destroy the classroom. She said, &#39;They love you. They are as concerned about you as the other teachers. They would never do anything to put extra stress on you."

I am much better now that I am retired, by my doctors, not my choice. As long as I dont&#39; do much at a time I can do more than enough. I just can&#39;t teach a whole day every day ever again. And I can&#39;t walk very far any more. Wal Mart is just about it.

I got off topic. But I think it helps explain my situation.

And yes, my wife probably suspects or even more than suspects what really stimulates me sexually. But I know her well enough that she would not want to acknowledge it. You really have to be from the old "South" to understand how that works in southern culture. I don&#39;t know about other cultures enough to elaborate.

I do ask all of you to keep me in your prayers. I have new problems. Brittle high blood pressure. It is going out the roof and then dropping almost too low and the pulse rate has gone up way too high. There is fluid retention in the legs even though I take a fluid pill and wear support stockings to prevent fluid build up.

I am rambling. I am tired and very concerned. I know what the symptoms look like: heart problems. I know I will be 54 soon. But I never really thought I would ever live long enough to have "heart" problems. But then I thought that being six years away from being 60 was so far away that it would never happen.

It seems just last year that the old folks said I was too young to take the youth on a youth trip.

I just pray that I won&#39;t have to give up my volunteer work with youth. That would devastate me.

I love all of you here. And the comments about me have meant much to me.

And I want to make one thing crystal clear. I made a vow to help several people on this forum. I meant it then and I mean it now. I may have new health problems, but nothing has helped my health in the past more than helping other people. So if any of you guys need me, you better pm or e-mail me or I will borrow pappy&#39;s razor strap and get you good. Actually helping others does make me feel better and makes the reduces the symptoms dramatically.

I love you all.

You have all meant so much to me. For once in my life, I have been able to be me. Something I was never allowed to do as a child and something I chose not to do as an adult. Thanks bunches to all of you.


Lots of love,
Freddie

Top quoting because the original is so long...

I was going to pm or e-mail freddie directly. Even though I am mostly a lurker, I was moved by his original post. And initially, I felt somewhat similar feelings to those expressed here by Nixxy. But as I read and re-read Freddie&#39;s original post, and then read this reply to Nixxy, I felt I should say it "out loud".

I am very impressed by your commitment to your marriage. I can tell just from reading your messages that you love your wife emotionally very much. And that you take your wedding vows very seriously. I truly wish more people took those vows that seriously. And I wish more people would consider the meaning of those vows much more before speaking them. You obviously did, even with what understanding of your sexuality you may have had at the time.

I also wanted to tell you that people like you make me believe that there is hope that the "church" may yet find its way back into the light. I myself no longer have the faith you so clearly express. I do believe that a higher power set all of this great universe into motion, I just no longer believe it was or is all loving, all seeing, and all powerful. That there are people like you still left in the world makes me at least examine my reasons for losing that belief. Thank you.

Nixxy, just because they no longer are having sex doesn&#39;t mean it is unfair to either of them. If they are both getting what they want from the relationship, then it is good and right. That isn&#39;t to say it would be right for you, but they must decide JOINTLY that it is what they want.

That said, I must add that, as I read Freddie&#39;s reply, he is being a little unfair to his wife though. She should know the truth about his desire. He should make it clear that he does still have some desire for her( as he has stated ), that he loves her, and will remain faithful to her, if that is what he intends. But only Freddie knows how she might handle it, and, despite his never having brought it up, she may actually know already. But again, that is and should be, between them.

Freddie has shown much more honor about this than many men in his (marital) situation. I have been solicited many times by married men who are "in love" with their wives but aren&#39;t having physical relations with them (or so they claim). I always turn them down. Not so much out of any great character on my part, but on the realization that, if they lie to and cheat on their wives, they would lie to and cheat on me too. And probably are. Those wives should be told, but it isn&#39;t my place to do it.

Freddie, be well and take care of yourself. Don&#39;t let those philistines and pharasies at your church change you in any way. Let their vile perversions of your faith roll off you and leave you unswayed. Keep your light shining and unsullied by them, and I am sure you will be vindicated in the end.

"Mother"


[

 

[madame_zora]

Freddie, you do so much to make this place amazing&#33; I am saddened to hear of your health issues, I know how important your health is to your volunteer work, but you have both support from us here, as well as opportunity to do good.

I applaud and support your decisions wrt your marriage, and I do understand the "Old South" unspoken rules, I am sure you have made the best decision for you situation.

For me, you breathe new life into the religoin I was so ready to leave behind. You have helped me separate my feeings about "religousness" from my feelings about God, and that has been a big help to me. I&#39;ve never said that directly, so it&#39;s time I did. May you never lose your passion for what you believe, you are an inspiration to us all&#33; I love you as my brother and feel sincere concern for you in this critical time. My prayers, such as they are, are with you, my friend. Jana

 

[Freddie53]

Jana,

Thanks so much for your complete and total support of me. I will get over this. I have faced far worse than this and I got over it.

About your religion. I just did a study of spiritual gifts. There are 20 mentioned in the Bible. That is not to say that those are the only ones. Just that there are 20. These gifts are special given by God and no one would have them all. With an inventory I found that discernment was one of my gifts.

I no sooner got on this site until I found a person who is compassionate, loving, and giving. And a person who is very spiritual.

You are that person. It thrilled my heart when I read your post. I already knew that. But it meant a lot for you to put that in writing.

About the Jesus quote. It is in the gospels. I will have to find it. But it is a direct quote in the Bible. I have heard fundie preachers try to twist it around to say that Jesus didn&#39;t say what he said. But he did. Yes I believe that Jesus was God. But I don&#39;t deny that God could come down and speak through others as well. And if Jesus said he would go to other peoples in other lands who didn&#39;t know him by the name of Jesus, then we must accept that.

Pope John Paul II was the first pope that I know of that recognized that callling the Jewish people our elder brothers. I think John Paul knew about this scripture and knew that others besides Christians would be in heaven and was recorded as saying so.

About your gift from God. You are a minister to the outcasts such as gays, bi, lesbians as well as other non traditional people in our culture. You have a way of reaching out to them and giving them comfort.

Jana, it isn&#39;t all you. God is speaking through you every day. Some might say well what about those posts where Zora let loose. Jesus turned the tables over in the temble and abslutely destoryed the set up they had. The Bible says he was angry. So, you are in good company when you are angry. No one said being angry is a sin. Certainly Jesus never said such a thing.

Even though you have had your share of problems in life, God has blessed you. He has blessed you with his presence. There is no greater gift then that.

I love you as a sister.
You remind me of my sister
That is the highest compliment any woman could ever receive to be compared to my sister.

Much love to you and may God bless you greatly.

Freddie

This does not mean you can&#39;t be part of the fleshpile and go on excurisions to the exotic places on the earth. I myself have booked passage on all the flights and cruises. On LPSG the tickets are free and the entertainment is well.......wonderful.
And I see your name is on the flight list of every flight. LPSG is a wonderful place.

Originally posted by madame_zora@Apr 7 2005, 06:49 AM
Freddie, you do so much to make this place amazing&#33; I am saddened to hear of your health issues, I know how important your health is to your volunteer work, but you have both support from us here, as well as opportunity to do good.

I applaud and support your decisions wrt your marriage, and I do understand the "Old South" unspoken rules, I am sure you have made the best decision for you situation.

For me, you breathe new life into the religoin I was so ready to leave behind. You have helped me separate my feeings about "religousness" from my feelings about God, and that has been a big help to me. I&#39;ve never said that directly, so it&#39;s time I did. May you never lose your passion for what you believe, you are an inspiration to us all&#33; I love you as my brother and feel sincere concern for you in this critical time. My prayers, such as they are, are with you, my friend. Jana

[post=297998]Quoted post[/post]​

 

[13788]

hung_big: We wub you Fweddie&#33;&#33;&#33; *hugz* :wub:

Sorry, had to

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by hung_big@Apr 7 2005, 07:29 PM
We wub you Fweddie&#33;&#33;&#33; *hugz* :wub:

Sorry, had to

[post=298200]Quoted post[/post]​

I wub you to Chris&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;
:wub: :wub: :hug: :hug: :wub: :wub:

 

[13788]

hung_big: LMAO&#33;

Yes, spread the love man, SPREAD THE LOVE&#33;&#33;&#33;