Whose in the wrong?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by _Jonesy, Jan 21, 2011.

  1. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    So once again I'm sat here feeling like a dick because I can't control my pride and some girl basically begged me to rip into them.

    I'll explain. Ever since I was hurt over 3 years, not 3 years, over the course of the last 3 years, I seem to have ended up hurting other girls. I want to make clear right here I have never gone into it with the intention of hurting them, or arguing with them, but I did think it could work out if it went well. To end the story here for those who don't want to read on, I am now going to stop. I am emotionally drained and sick of it just not working, the sex isn't worth it. I'm done, until I meet someone who changes my mind my course matters.

    The most recent just ended last week. I was seeing her before Xmas, but I always had an idea she would be bad as a girlfriend. I saw her out, my friend knew her and explained as we saw her get with 3 guys in the space of 10 minutes that she was... a bit of a wildcard. Somebody who couldn't be trusted basically.

    Over Christmas I had troubles with the 3 years running girl and now I am at the stage where I am so hurt over her, I genuinely am not interested in her or any other girls.

    So after Christmas, I decided to tell the other girl I couldn't see her anymore. But she bet me to it, as we didn't have much in common anyway, deep down, though I treated her right, I did always thing it wouldn't work out. But this got to my pride.

    We ended up arguing. She started throwing insults about sexual prowess, swearing, cheating. I kept my cool quite well, as I seem to be immune to pain like this from any other girl, but I was sure to make sure she was at least easy and believe me I was bored in bed. Yeah, childish, but it doesn't change the fact it happened and now I feel like rubbish.

    So I get to know if I run into her now it'll be awkward and worse if she twists her story against me to too many people.

    This is the first time I've ever mentioned any of this to anyone, so go easy on me. But I'm just so wound up with it all I feel like I need to get it all off my chest. I came to Uni for a fresh start, not to have the same shit happen to me.

    Thanks for listening :)
     
  2. rob_

    rob_ Active Member

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    Who's*
     
  3. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Thanks...
     
  4. midlifebear

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    -Jonesy:

    After careful thought regarding your situation, I can only advise that ex president George W. Bush is to blame for all of your problems. Time heals all. Just wait it out.
     
  5. coolbrotha86

    coolbrotha86 Active Member

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    Based on the story, it's difficult to say who's in the wrong. It looked like both of you didn't see the relationship going any further, so you both wanted out. The way that was done could've been handled more calmly and more mature, but now you can have the fresh start you desire (unless she's the vindictive type...). I'm sure you know that letting your past experiences with girls determine your outlook on future ones isn't the wisest road to travel. You'll wind up passing by Ms. Right because Ms. Wrong treated you like crap. Take a break from relationships if you need to.
     
  6. lvsxy808

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    I'm glad somebody else did that. I was practically vibrating in my seat with the desire to do it but knowing it wasn't the right time... you've got me off the hook.

    As to actual advice...

    This is what happens when you're young. People are just figuring out how to have relationships and make some pretty horrible mistakes along the way. Take it all as a learning experience and you'll know what not to do next time.

    Don't let it put you off. While I know next to nothing about girls, I do know that they're not all bitches.
     
  7. LaFemme

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    We are definitely not all bitches, but we can be. lol

    What you are going through is normal for someone who has been hurt, yet is still trying to act as though you're ok and ready for another relationship. You are not. The worst time to get into another relationship is when you are still in agony from being bounced around in your previous one. You have a lot of anger left inside you, which means you are not going to be able to make good choices.

    With this girl? It is not her fault and not yours. She said crappy things and you said crappy things. Yes, it is going to be awkward seeing her again. Oh well. The most important thing is for you to get your head together. Relax and don't worry about being with anyone for any reason. Let yourself heal, talk it through with people, let yourself feel anger and then move on. Do not be bitter. Examine what has happened and see what you can learn to make you a better person. Don't worry about your next relationship - it will happen when it happens.

    And I don't think girls are begging you to rip into them. More likely is that you unconsciously are attracted to girls who would give you an excuse to vent your anger (misplaced anger from your previous g/f). You clearly say that this girl was wrong from the beginning, yet you still went out with her.

    Again, just examine yourself for what you can learn. You will be a better person who makes better choices. I choose growth over anger every time.
     
    #7 LaFemme, Jan 21, 2011
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2011
  8. sexplease

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    don't be so hard on yourself. many people, if not most, go through "trial relationships."
    You subconciously choose similar types until you're ready to grow from the things that don't work for you.
    and blaming someone else for your choices is just another way of not letting go.
    How's your relationship with your mother? Still blaming her for something?
    All this relationship crap sucks when it happens to you, but it does get better.
    check into a little book called,
    Amazon.com: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love (Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Series) (9780786884209): Richard Carlson, Kristine Carlson: Books
     
  9. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Thanks :) I was half expected a few comments basically describing how much of an arsehole I am, good to see people are actually trying to help.

    @LaFemme I didn't think I might have been choosing these girls because of that, but it feels right when I read it. I know what happened before and right now, even though I haven't been hurt by this recent girl, I feel emotionally drained away like I don't want to like anybody.

    I think I have been forcing myself into it, a lot of girls I 'like', but I daren't talk to because I know I could get hurt. I know the others will give me, that one-side of the coin without me having to fall victim to some venus fly trap.

    My problem is I fell for Ms. Wrong when I was 17. I was a lot more naive, a lot more innocent. I'd have done anything to make me happy but shes spun me about for years and now I literally don't just feel angry, but like it will never work. I feel pretty worthless tbh. I can't talk to girls in clubs, not without being paranoid I'm making a laughing stock of myself anyway.

    So I pay attention and wait for opportunities which usually end up like this one. And that makes me worse.

    I agree. I need a break. I don't want to hurt anyone, which is putting me off telling a lot of girls I like them. If they like me, what if I change my mind, I don't want to hurt them. Or what if I do and they hurt me.

    Yes I'll need to take the risk eventually. But I am not ready yet. I feel a bit... broken tbh. Problem is, I've felt like this consistently for 3 years, mostly through self-torture by not letting go of the other one (stubbornness).
     
  10. LaFemme

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    Awww....I feel for you. I know what that's like. Love at 17 is intense and when it works is awesome; when it doesn't work - it's hell. But it's an experience you can learn and grow from.

    Forgive yourself for being under her control and be kinder to yourself. You can do it - you can put the past behind you. Take a break - you will be better for it. You won't meet the right girl until you are ready anyway. And you are not worthless. The fact that you even worry about this shows that you have worth, that you want to be a better man.

    I will be thinking of you and sending you *hugs*.
     
  11. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    I think you need to maybe take care of yourself for a while. Maybe not "go for it" so quickly just because you feel some attraction. I think the best relationships require a strong and solid emotional connection besides the physical/sexual stuff. Finding that in life isn't always easy because our needs are so intense. Also I think it's best if the girl you're involved with is as mature as you on and wants the same things you want. That takes a little more time, effort and discernment. Just my two cents. All the best.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Keep dating your own hand. Get really romantic about it and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated. Just be social friends with girls until you feel less like rubbish and more like a young and lovable bloke again. Don't hurry either. You are going to be 'married' to yourself the longest of all so get comfortable with your own self first.

    And nobody's to blame with Ms. Wrong. Sometimes the first few relationships are just for learning what not to do. Both of you did so.
     
  13. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Cheers everyone.

    Just got back from a weekend at the lakes with my mountaineering group so I feel a bit better, refreshed. I know a girl will come, and it cannot be forced. It should just happen, if it doesn't I don't think it would work whether you force it or not; not in the long term anyway.

    But it's things like I struggle to socialise properly now. I definately have forgotten how to talk to girls. I need a rest, but I do wish I could just find someone. I'm feeling like I have less self-confidence all the time.
     
  14. sexplease

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    Slaying a dragon is at least an interesting pastime.
     
  15. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    I think I've half decided I've forced myself into seeing girls without any further intent because of peer pressure, or at least cultural pressure from where I am from. When it happens, I don't enjoy it for that reason, and I usually feel quite empty after.

    Going to have to wait to find 'that girl'. Problem is, how do I if I can't talk to people at the moment :p
     
  16. LaFemme

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    You need to stop pressuring yourself. Time is what all this will take. I know some pretty silent, shy guys who found great women. It might be tougher, but that shy, quiet guy in the corner can be quite interesting. Just focus on school, develop your identity as person and hang out with friends. Treat yourself at least as good as you would want to be treated or how you would treat someone you cared about. It will all come in time.
     
  17. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    I know, and thanks :)
    Thing is I wasn't always so shy or quiet, I've just had bad things happen to me which seems to have psychologically changed me for the worse, socially especially. I'll see what happens.
     
  18. helgaleena

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    ^^ this. Don't forget that wank is an art form. Practice it and applaud your efforts.
     
  19. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    haha made me laugh, but in practise might make me feel a bit more empty in side. Maybe even more lonely. I see guys on here saying they don't know what to do when their girlfriends get paranoid because they feel they should be the only ones they want to get them off. I need to stop thinking so much.

    Imagine I like somebody, but I know I won't want a relationship. I know I could make them want to be... close to me, possibly more. Should I leave it, to save us both the pain? It seems most mature :/

    It's annoying thought because I know I'd like these girls if I hadn't been through the rest. that's what angers me the most.
     
  20. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Nope, just be upfront with them from the start. Over the years I've had plenty of FBs. Most were never going to develop into more committed relationships for various reasons. But because we were always honest with each other from the start, the relationships rarely became painful.
     
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