Why am i so alone?

[HUNG_4_FUN]

Having a problem finding a woman. I am a widowed single father and cant seem to meet anyone. Tried online dating and cant seem to get any response to messages or hits on my profiles. I am kind, honest, and in no way a scumbag with the messages i send and still nothing. It seems people wont even look my way in the real world if/when i do get out. How do i get out of this rut and find a good woman? Been out of the dating/ single scene for over 12 years and im clueless. Any woman i have been with has always been very happy, treated well and fucked amazingly. Havent had sex in over a year since becoming a widower and its long overdue. Sorry for the rant but i think theres some questions in there somewhere i could use a womans input on. Just thinking after responding to another thread about how many times youve had sex in 2013 and the big fat 0 is looking kind of ugly.

 

[EllieP]

That's such a hard question to answer, and I'm so sorry to hear it has to be asked. I've known a few widowers in your situation, sadly. I don't know if it's any help, but I've also known most of them to get remarried in time.

As for sex, well, of course, I have no idea. And believe me I know how the frustration must grow along with the desires. I got too close to a widower a few years back and my compassion was misinterpreted. And it did not end well for either of us. I refused his request for extra "comfort." But even he married a few years later.

A very close friend of my husband was widowed five or six years ago after his wife died in childbirth. So he was left alone with a premature infant. Because of that previous escapade I tried to stay arm's length, but of course I couldn't because of the baby. This was the first time I actually spoke to someone who lost his wife about the emotional and physical toll.

At first I was apprehensive about him describing the sexual frustration, but the respect he had for Cap and me I think prevented him from trying a next level.

He met a wonderful woman two years later who is now a dear friend. I still comment on how jealous I am that she got to care for that sweet child. But she says that I'm the second momma!

Please don't lose hope and keep the faith.

 

[helgaleena]

Have you got hobbies or belong to a church congregation? The very best way to meet people is through mutual interests. Meet those who share your interests online or in person.

And also, I am very annoyed at the entire world for discounting masturbation as legitimate sex. Masturbation IS SEX! It counts and it's good for you! Separate out the sharing of other aspects of life from scratching that itch and you will be much more at ease in life.

 

[EllieP]

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that Matt joined a grief group at a church where he got to talk to other women. He liked being outnumbered.

There were other organizations that he joined. He met Lisa on a widows/widowers website! He said it was the modern version of having a pen pal.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

That's such a hard question to answer, and I'm so sorry to hear it has to be asked. I've known a few widowers in your situation, sadly. I don't know if it's any help, but I've also known most of them to get remarried in time.

As for sex, well, of course, I have no idea. And believe me I know how the frustration must grow along with the desires. I got too close to a widower a few years back and my compassion was misinterpreted. And it did not end well for either of us. I refused his request for extra "comfort." But even he married a few years later.

A very close friend of my husband was widowed five or six years ago after his wife died in childbirth. So he was left alone with a premature infant. Because of that previous escapade I tried to stay arm's length, but of course I couldn't because of the baby. This was the first time I actually spoke to someone who lost his wife about the emotional and physical toll.

At first I was apprehensive about him describing the sexual frustration, but the respect he had for Cap and me I think prevented him from trying a next level.

He met a wonderful woman two years later who is now a dear friend. I still comment on how jealous I am that she got to care for that sweet child. But she says that I'm the second momma!

Please don't lose hope and keep the faith.

Thanks for your insight ellie. I could only wish to have someone to talk to, let alone anything else. all of my friends were"our" friends and have all since disappeared. feels as though no one could care less if i were dead or alve anymore. i yearn for the day i meet someone worthy of marriage as theres was a very high standard set by my wife. she was my everything. and its not so much just sex, i miss the touch of a woman, the smell, a warm smile to light up a dark day cuddling kissing and of course the sex. it is indeed frustrating to say the least. but the problem is how does someone in such a situation even begin to go about meeting someone new? i mean i have dealt with the grief and all and im certainly feeilng as though im ready to move forward but it seems the world does not want me to do so.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

Have you got hobbies or belong to a church congregation? The very best way to meet people is through mutual interests. Meet those who share your interests online or in person.

And also, I am very annoyed at the entire world for discounting masturbation as legitimate sex. Masturbation IS SEX! It counts and it's good for you! Separate out the sharing of other aspects of life from scratching that itch and you will be much more at ease in life.

no church for me helgaleena. hobbies and interests are pretty much well blah as ive been in my own bubble for the last year.
as for masturbation well thats always an option, maybe even an overused option at this point lol but as i said in my reply to ellie i need the intimacy of another at this point.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say that Matt joined a grief group at a church where he got to talk to other women. He liked being outnumbered.

There were other organizations that he joined. He met Lisa on a widows/widowers website! He said it was the modern version of having a pen pal.

thanks ellie tried group grief counseling for the counseling aspect as well as to find others to connect with in the same situation but the group was overloaded with males. havent really been able to find a widower site for younger folks, im only 35.

 

[EllieP]

You're so young, so I'm sure that's an issue.

Matt and Lisa told me about all of the abandonment by their friends. His friends seemed afraid that they might catch something. And her friends thought she was out to steal their husband. So strange.

I guess Matt was around your age when he lost his wife. I think she was 30. Lisa's just a year or two older than Matt, but she lost her husband in Iraq, I think.

The thing that both of them told me is that neither of them were looking for a partner. Matt had resigned himself to single fatherhood and has his network all set up. Lisa never intended to marry again. I know kind of where she was coming from because I thought the same thing after being divorced for years.

It's hard to say be patient because I'm not in your shoes. But the future is yet to happen and who knows who's coming along with it.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

You're so young, so I'm sure that's an issue.

Matt and Lisa told me about all of the abandonment by their friends. His friends seemed afraid that they might catch something. And her friends thought she was out to steal their husband. So strange.

I guess Matt was around your age when he lost his wife. I think she was 30. Lisa's just a year or two older than Matt, but she lost her husband in Iraq, I think.

The thing that both of them told me is that neither of them were looking for a partner. Matt had resigned himself to single fatherhood and has his network all set up. Lisa never intended to marry again. I know kind of where she was coming from because I thought the same thing after being divorced for years.

It's hard to say be patient because I'm not in your shoes. But the future is yet to happen and who knows who's coming along with it.

that was my initial feeling as well. to remain single, but i presume now since the grief has been overcome, the loneliness has most certainly set in. i have become comfortably numb i guess. for a long time i was not looking for anyone now that i am it just seems the days and nights are wasting away and im destined to become a lonely old man. for example at a local bar the saturday night before st pattys, the bar was packed, yet i sat there alone. not by choice. the intention was to meet someone, plain and simple. there was a group of 3 women drinking and carrying on, and to one of them i felt a strong attraction. i would like to think that attraction was mutual, i mean i thought i got a smile and maybe a few looks as sat there, but couldnt really figure it out so i left and went home (conveniently across the street) and returned a few minutes later to find she and her friends had left. all that said i couldnt approach her or even send a drink her way from across the bar, not that i didnt want to, but i just froze up with no clue why. the desire is most certainly present but i just cant seem to make it happen.

 

[helgaleena]

If you don't have hobbies yourself perhaps your offspring have hobbies! And kids' activities always include parents. I know that i became a Star Wars fan through my children, which led to fan fiction, which led to my present editing/publishing gig. Follow your heart to new hobbies and the people who think like you.

 

[Daisy]

I think one of the biggest mistakes guys make is not opening up and being afraid to show vulnerability. I would post what you wrote up there ^^ almost word for word.

Maybe your profile is too generic. Maybe if you lay it all out there women will respond positively. I would.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

If you don't have hobbies yourself perhaps your offspring have hobbies! And kids' activities always include parents. I know that i became a Star Wars fan through my children, which led to fan fiction, which led to my present editing/publishing gig. Follow your heart to new hobbies and the people who think like you.

my daughter is 10. most people in our small town were all "our" friends including parents of my daughters friends so birthday parties school functions etc.. all consist of people who have as i said earlier disappeared, of course my daughter still has her friends, but the adults well as said before by ellie,think they might catch something. and that makes meeting others in social circles that much more difficult as well. but i do understand where you are coming from.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

I think one of the biggest mistakes guys make is not opening up and being afraid to show vulnerability. I would post what you wrote up there ^^ almost word for word.

Maybe your profile is too generic. Maybe if you lay it all out there women will respond positively. I would.

thanks daisy. you mean post what i have written here in a dating profile? i wouldnt think any woman would touch that with a 10 foot pole. my profile is not generic it was written and rewritten a few times now. actually here i will post it, please let me know what your thoughts are. i mean its simple, and to the point without being obnoxious, disrespectful or trying to seem desperate, i mean i have received a few dozen views. but never any message or reply to any message i send which usually consists of Hi, How are you? or similar. Nothing pushy or desperate, yet never a response. pictures are tasteful and clear yet nothing. the first line was recently added as a result of my frustration but the rest of the profile has been the same for some time.

Just a normal guy searching for a normal woman to enjoy life with. Not too sure i am going to find that here, but going to give it a shot anyway.

My profile is kind of short and to the point because I have to save some things for when I meet someone, I think it is more fun and exciting to learn about someone face to face rather than face to screen.
I'm at a place in my life where I know what I want...some of those things are: someone who likes to laugh, have fun, and is at a stable place in their life. No drama, no games. Looking for that someone to be a friend, lover, and explore the rest of this journey that is life with. Someone who enjoys a night out on the town as much as a night in cuddling ...
I'm looking for a woman who can challenge me mentally and physically. I take relationships extremely serious, so please let's not waste each other’s time! I'm a hands on type of guy that can take charge and take criticism too. You must be comfortable and confident with yourself as well as be able to communicate your feelings as well! Honesty is an absolute MUST!!! That's all for now. If you want to know something else.... just ask!​

 

[molotovmuffin]

I went out with a widower one time. She had been gone for well over 2 years and he was not over her. That is a hard thing to compete with.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

I went out with a widower one time. She had been gone for well over 2 years and he was not over her. That is a hard thing to compete with.

i can understand that. in our marriage it was mutually understood we wanted the other to be happy in life in the event either of us passed. we had a wonderful marriage. i will never be completely "over" her, but i have come to terms with the situation and though i do miss and love her dearly, i know i must move forward in life. i think research and early grief counseling helped that along. i mean she passed in our home, in our bedroom, in my arms, despite every attempt i made to save her. i have just recently moved out of that house after her being gone for over a year. i believe that was a giant leap forward, yet with all the people in this world i still feel isolated, alone, always even around others friends or strangers.

 

[MickeyLee]

for true... ya might wanna talk to a professional. someone who can help ya take the final few steps from healed to active in life again?

ya seem to have some depression hanging about ya bones, Mr. Hung. the discounting of any possibility of approach working... how ya didn't send the attractive lady a drink. ya personal ads , least the recently added line, reads all resignation and frustration. *take out that line* that to me sounds like some deep hurt ya got.. not just grieving for ya wife, but the life you lost with her. how at an age when you assumed there would be some security/assurance in ha life.. ya lonely, and starting over. *keep in mind i am a little nuts, so i could be so off on my interpretation*

Mr. Ellie's and Ms. Helag's advice about support groups, churches and such are great ideas. those soul deep wounds in life kinda place a person in a bubble, either folks are afraid to touch or the person is afraid to/unsure how to reach out. the kinship of folks in similar situations can be comforting. from the comfort, that ease.. where you don't have to feel like you're avoiding some huge looming topic/feeling can be the safety zone to reconnect.

if the widow/widower groups aren't the space you need, try single parents. ya are raising a 10 year old daughter.. if nothing else having a female to bounce 'daughter drama' off of might be helpful in the next few years.

gym/fitness/health kick. the exercise will do you good.. outside exercise even better. vitamin D is the bomb! meeting people will be good for ya insides. with spring springing and summer on the way.. heaps of outdoor yoga *fripping love yoga in the park* beginner running/jogging clubs, biking, hiking, even lazy folks strolling around local attractions.

photography club, book clubs, cooking classes... even you don't meet a lady friend ya have brought something fresh/new/invigorating into ya life. a renewal of you. sometimes a change in settings/routine will equal a change in you other folks will notice. like opening the windows.. letting all the winter air get wooshed out.

meh.. long fricking post. sorry. is a big thang to tackle.. i offer ya hugs from across the intorwebz. with all the peace, renewed hope and snuggle a real hug has.

 

[MickeyLee]

contacting ladies on the single and searching sites..

when ya send a note to an eye-catching lady.... fill it out a bit more. tell her what attracted you to her profile, what inspired you to contact her. don't say "you're boobs look awesome in ya pictures" that is bad. :tongue1:

lists some of the common interests.. even if ya was tickled by the tone of her profile. say there is something about you that makes me wanna know more. only make sure there isn't any of this :naughty: in ya phrasing. this :naughty: gets old quick when ya are a lady on the intorwebz.

the point is to sell you as a possible match for her. so throw in some junk that makes you awesome. not all of it.. cuz ya will still have to have conversations on a first date.. but enough to make her pick ya note out of all the others.. think the blurb on the back of DVD. enough to make someone choose between two movies in the same genre. a few plot points. some positive reviews. maybe the lead actors. the sell... ya got to sell it.

 

[HUNG_4_FUN]

mickeylee i love your post! i think you have hit it spot on.

we were married for 11 years, were getting ready to buy a new home and try for a son, and then well you know... never in a million years could i have seen myself being thrust into this situation. i did in fact think i was set for life.

as for the support group it was good for me as a learning tool on how to cope, identify signs of depression and suicide etc... but the problems of others just seemed too itense at the time to be able to be in that setting. overall it helped but not as i anticipated.

as for being a single parent, yes i have thought about that as well, and that is what shifted my search to a companion for life rather than a companion for now. i am in no way qualified or prepared for the "changes" she will soon be experiencing so someone to help me with that is surely a necessity.

as for the gym. i was very unhealthy and overweight around the time my daughter was born. i did in fact change my lifestyle by going to the gym and changing the way i eat etc.. and have maintained that through the years. i do currently have a gym membership as i have had for the past 10 years but i am in no way as dedicated as i used to be unfortunately. while i still maintain a healthy weight i lost a lot of defenition from my depression as i did not eat much. and when i do find myself in the gym, as anywhere else i notice no one cares to pay any attention to me. I have always been told i am good looking but definitely suffer from a case of low self esteem when it comes to women.

dont get me wrong i love the outdoors, frequent the nude beach in the summer, the shore and anywhere there is sand and water or fun to be had.

i love photography. but havent taken a decent picture in over a year though. dont see the beauty in things i used to see. its almost like being colorblind i guess.

i think i will open the windows and let all the winter funk out though, its long overdue!
thanks!

 

[helgaleena]

Yes, not seeing beauty the way you used to is a sure indicator of lingering depression. But like all emotional weather, even this grief will pass. I hope you and your daughter move on from it soon, although the grieving process has no fixed timetable.

You will be in my thoughts.

 

[MickeyLee]

homework for Mr. Hung

one - take camera. take you *and the kid if she's got no plans* head out to park/local wooded area/scenic area.... take pictures. even if ya ain't inspired. even if it all looks ugly, or been done, or is just the same old same old. opening up a box of "man, i used to love this and it's been so long" is good for you.

two - go online. check for local classes ya might be interested in taking *you need new horizons, Mr. Hung*, support groups for young windows and for single parents. ya don't have to attend, but ya should have the information is ya want to.

three - go out at least one night over the next two weeks. and introduce yaself, say hello to at least one womang. if ya want extra credit ya can even buy her a drink. and for fiendishly over-achieving... ask for her contact information.

none of the above is some miraculous fix. at any point you could feel ridiculous, annoyed, sad and just plain bored while ya going any of the three.. but.. each one is a step forward. each one will get you over the first step overwhelmed/fuck it. and each one might turn out to be very enjoyable and ya might make new friends.

 

[Jillang]

I really don't have too much to add but you really do sound like a nice guy who shouldn't have to much trouble. I personally met my bf through friends and wasn't really looking but it just happened. I think besides all of the other ideas everyone has suggested, I'd just add meeting and knowing more people will give you more opportunities. You just never know where or how you might meet someone. Hope this helps a little at least?