It being.a secret relationship could be a huge problem. How can you love someone when you dont love yourself?
Why are gay guys incapable of being in a real, long term relationship?
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At the beginning of the relationship he told me he was already out to his parents. He said his parent's didn't approve of him. He didn't want to tell them he had a boyfriend. Thats why we kept it a secret.
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Relationships can be hard work and sometimes that pays off and other its doesn't but the work is always worth it as you learn and you modify and you look for different things. I have had some disasters and I look back and wonder what I saw in the other person but it is all learning and you gain something from everyone you meet even if to look at yourself and notice bits you like/don't like.
My relationship to my hubby has outlasted most of my friends marriages which feels weird, I think all forms of relationship are open to pressure and people either drift apart, come together or learn to compromise but both parties must want to continue. I feel gay relationships where either/both party is not full out/open and there are underlying secrets can be fun at the start but after time this just adds pressure which is neither helpful or positive.
Things may seem bad now but take the positives from what you have had and cherish them and use them to grow your self in your next relationship.
My relationship to my hubby has outlasted most of my friends marriages which feels weird, I think all forms of relationship are open to pressure and people either drift apart, come together or learn to compromise but both parties must want to continue. I feel gay relationships where either/both party is not full out/open and there are underlying secrets can be fun at the start but after time this just adds pressure which is neither helpful or positive.
Things may seem bad now but take the positives from what you have had and cherish them and use them to grow your self in your next relationship.
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@hnla394 ... I can tell you emotional pain is real. Finding the guy that will make you happy long term begins with honesty within yourself. I don't recall reading in your post, does anyone in your family or friends know your Gay? You have to first find truth in yourself. Believe in "YOU" ... once this has been accomplished then you can begin to find happiness. Don't rush things, be patient. Love comes unexpectedly. I have been with my husband for over 20 years now. We have had our share of up and down times, just like all relationships and marriages do. There is no perfect life. It's finding a balance that both involved can accept. The main thing that works best in a relationship is being totally honest with yourself and the one in your life. Secrets can kill everything.
That's a loaded question. I know at least half a dozen gay couples whose relationships have lasted for years — in a couple of cases, decades. I also know gay guys who are incapable of sustaining a relationship — however, there are just as many straights who fall into this category. The question assumes from the outset that gays are incapable of long-term relationships — and that assumption is wrong and insulting.
Of course you will...I think most of us have that memory of a love that didn't work out or that got away. Its not a gay thing...its a life thing my man. I am in a long term committed relationship..but there is a guy from my past that I dated for 2 years that didnt work out that I think of constantly and I always will. Time heals and it will turn it from painful to sort of this melancholy memory. Dude everyone of my siblings has that and most of my friends. "Not every love story is an epic novel...some are short stories..but doesn't make them any less filled with love" ( ok cheesy movie line but it has validity)
For the gay world...and I speak from experience...if one person is not ready or able to be totally "out" and the other one is..its a tough situation. You do not realize it now but he is actually doing the best thing for you...that my man shows he cares about you enough to say listen..you deserve someone who can devote himself fully...which he isnt able to now...and he is not sure he will be. Shows he isn't selfish.
Its not a gay thing..I know plenty of gays who are in long terms. He just isn't one of them. Years later I once in a while ill look at a picture of the dude I was with...( I was the guy who broke it off) it devastated both of us..and he was like you...but dude..he moved on and from what I have seen has a great life. You'll be fine my man. I promise...
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That's quite understandable; you're frustrated, angry, hurt, etc. And that''s normal. Love sometimes sucks. You will kiss many a frog before you find your prince. I know I got my share of warts, lol. Take some time to process through your emotions; it's important for your healing.
You've gotten some great feedback here. I hope you are able to internalize it and that it will help you move forward. It's very cliche to say, but it is true: Time will help.
While that time is passing, I suggest YOU get busy. Working on YOU. Find yourself and get comfortable in your own skin.
As far as the title of the thread, sweeping generalizations are just that--sweeping generalizations. Many many of the gay posters here at LPSG have been in relationships for a good number of years. Others are serial bed hoppers. And that's okay.
What you need to do is find the person who is right for you. You will. In due time. I truly wish you well.
I've been with my husband for 10 years, and we've been married for 4 years. My first real boyfriend died 7 years ago, and I miss him every day. The good memories are something special worth holding on to.
I'm a gay male, and am currently in my 20th year with the same guy. So, there ya go.
I think what you are suffering from is youth, coming out, and meeting people who haven't matured yet. You yourself haven't matured yet. Chalk it up to growing pains.
It Gets Better is a very real thing, and it doesn't necessarily apply to the under 18 crowd. When you start to come out, there is a lot to learn. Being comfortable with yourself is a big part of that, as it will attract other people of like mind. There is also the matter of being wiser in who you choose as a bf or partner, but that takes time as well. You will learn to see through the bullshit, and tell who has a higher chance of being a real person that suits your personality and lifestyle. Right now, you're not there.
After some time, you also won't have to worry about "coming out" to people. Why? It won't matter. You will get to a point where you simply don't care how other people view you or your partner, or your life. So, "keeping secrets" from people will become a moot point.
But, that doesn't really deal with your personal now, does it? Well, it kinda does, but you're not there yet. At any rate. Work on yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. Try not to fear other people's opinions. Look at people a little more shrewdly, and ask yourself if this person is doing things that are making you feel uncomfortable. Communicate. Say no.
You are one half of a relationship. It's not always the other person. You have to share the responsibility for something falling apart.
I've been where you are, many times. It's rough. For some people, it doesn't get better. Sometimes you just don't connect, or you can't trust anymore, or you just don't feel the spark. Lots of people, gay and straight, will live the rest of their lives without a significant other. That's where I've ended up. I'm not seeking to date anyone anymore, I don't want more drama, I don't want that shattered feeling anymore, and maybe that's ok. Chances are pretty good that you won't be with one person for the rest of your life until you die. I'd suggest you get your head around that as an ok thing, and not a terrible thing. You can build a diversified portfolio of friends and support rather than just a single supporting partner. It's cool to keep your heart open, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen. Be strong, be careful, be good to yourself, and find ways to be happy by yourself.
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You've gotten some good advice from a variety of posters in this thread. What the poster you are responding to here gave you was not advice; it is his life story. HIS life story--not mine, not yours.
Your life is in front of you. Your life story is yet to be told. It will be what YOU decide it will be. What you make it to be. It is full of hope and dreams and lots of good "stuff". Because that's what you seek. That's what you want. At least, that's what I've gleaned from your posts.
Life is what we make it. And that's the beauty of being human. We get a huge say in mapping out its course. Life is full of peaks and valleys, but mostly the in-between--that's what becomes your normal. And you get to decide ultimately what your normal is. No one else. Unless YOU let them.
Whether your normal is being celibate, having a fuck-buddy or two, having a significant other, having a partner, or getting married. It is what YOU decide it to be. Not a bunch of people on an internet site with shitloads of opinions. Like me, lol!
So my friend, get busy. Get out there and live. Don't dwell on what you don't have. Or what you want. Get out there and make it happen. Cuz when you think about it, only YOU can make it happen. Get moving. Life is too short not to be happy. Make yourself happy.
I feel for what you’re going through. As much as it hurts right now, please trust that this too shall pass.
As for what comes next.... I really feel that things aren’t going to shift for you until you come out. As long as you’re in the closet, you’re likely to mainly meet other closeted guys. Each of those guys is not necessarily going to be ready to come out at the same time as you, or even at all.
Having a boyfriend doesn’t lend credibility to coming out, you are the only one who can bring credibility to it. It’s about you and your relationship to your friends and family.
18 yrs with my husband here. But it took time and a few broken hearts to get there.
No. You were accurate with the first title (and I feel like you know you were). People in here are writing, "Oh, I know so and so who have been together for 40 years." "Oh, I've been in several relationships that lasted for 10 years each." While these examples are nice, it ignores the large number of gay men that are single and have no intentions of settling down. It also ignores the type of "relationship" that these pairings may be because while some of us appreciate a closed relationship, many wish to keep their "relationship" open.
Tough world out there for the queens.
Well, that’s short of man problem. Most people when they see something is a bit difficult just don’t give a shit and run. But I’m gonna tell you something: stick to someone who loves you when having fun but also when go through difficul stages. Those are the real MEN.
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