Why are gay guys incapable of being in a real, long term relationship?

[MisterB]

No. You were accurate with the first title (and I feel like you know you were). People in here are writing, "Oh, I know so and so who have been together for 40 years." "Oh, I've been in several relationships that lasted for 10 years each.

We'll have to disagree on the accuracy of the thread title. And I feel that is subsequent post detailing his reasoning for the thread title upon its creation negates your thesis. But I resemble the rest of this thought--40 years together. Two what I thought were long-term live-in relationships before that; I was monogamous, they were not.

While these examples are nice, it ignores the large number of gay men that are single and have no intentions of settling down.

This sentence does not support your premise that the thread title was correct. Those who have no intentions of settling down are not looking to settle down. The OP clearly indicated that he indeed does want to settle down. In a relationship. With someone he love and loves him back. I get that's not for everyone; hence my difficulty with sweeping generalizations. I think it is important to address the words and emotions expressed by the OP; that's why I find this comment completely out of context. So what?

It also ignores the type of "relationship" that these pairings may be because while some of us appreciate a closed relationship, many wish to keep their "relationship" open.

It is up to the OP to decide what type of relationship he wants. Like it was for me. I didn't want an open relationship; two previous beaus did. Whether a relationship is open/closed has no bearing on what the OP wants. At least not at this point in his young life. So what?

Tough world out there for the queens.

Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.

 

[622675]

So here is one more war story.

There has been any number of times in my past that I have almost bought that car, or that house, or taken that job… and I didn’t. At times it was just dumb luck and at other times I had to consider a number of red flags and then make a decision to go another way.

As I look back on all those events I can’t believe how fortunate I have been to avoid getting trapped in what would have been bad choices. I have been in a relationship now for 30 years. It’s been worth the effort to learn from mistakes, keep all the good memories possible, and let what you have been through aid you in making the best choice next time.

And there will be a next time. Just get busy living your life, and it will happen.

 

[Chrysippus]

i think this is a male problem not just a gay male problem ..

Can’t offer advice, but you might like this:

 

[Chrysippus]

Can’t offer advice, but you might like this:

Oops! wrong video—heres what I meant to upload for you:

 

[JayPR]

I think i'll miss him every day for the rest of my life.

I would say that everyone goes through that. I had. I know it sucks when just happened. It seems unbearable, and you would think that you are not going to find someone like him or that you wouldn't find love again. And do you know what? It's not true. Even if at this moment seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

It's all about time, time to mourn, time to recover, time to forget, and time to see things from a new perspective, once your heart is healed. Believe me, this is going to be just a memory, maybe a sad memory, but just that. In a few years, when you look back, you'll see it. And also, you will find love again, maybe better and stronger than this one. And when that happens, the feelings that you have for this person right now, are not going to be anymore.

 

[Brodie888]

Hey guys. I posting this thread in hopes that someone on here that has been through this maybe can help me.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend... my very first real boyfriend. He was the sweetest guy on earth... we grew so close... I was and still am very much in love with him. I thought we were perfect for each-other. We were alike in so many ways, had such similarities. Nobody could understand me like him.

We kept our relationship a secret from our families. At the beginning of our relationship he said it was because he wanted to make sure I would stick around. Then here we are.. like 5 months later. Things were getting serious between us. And that's when it all started to go south. I was ready to come out with him to my family. Thats how much I liked him. But he wasn't. The strain of keeping everything hidden I guess was wearing on him too much. He claims that it has nothing to do with me. That he needs to "find who he really is" and "what he is doing with his life". He said that I deserved better than him.

He broke up with me, it shattered my world into a million pieces. I was the happiest I had ever been with him. The pain of it all is almost unbearable.

The last guys that I have had "things" with ALWAYS are in this same situation. It seems like gay guys are INCAPIABLE of being in a real, long term relationship. They always say they need time to work on themselves. They always say its them and not me. They always say I am better off without them.

Right now I feel like I am at Rock Bottom, and feel like I will never find anyone for the rest of my life.

To anyone who reads all of this and can help me out, thank you so much.

Firstly, all men, gay, straight, bi are as capable of long term relationships as each other. The hard part is finding the ones that are good at being in them and those who should never even try to pretend that they are.

My advice is that you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. In other words, you learn from every relationship, good and bad about what is important to you. They prepare you for when you do eventually meet the right one. When you have the right one, you will appreciate them that much more and know not to do anything stupid to lose them.

 

[hnla394]

Thank you everyone!!

 

[902369]

We'll have to disagree on the accuracy of the thread title. And I feel that is subsequent post detailing his reasoning for the thread title upon its creation negates your thesis. But I resemble the rest of this thought--40 years together. Two what I thought were long-term live-in relationships before that; I was monogamous, they were not.



This sentence does not support your premise that the thread title was correct. Those who have no intentions of settling down are not looking to settle down. The OP clearly indicated that he indeed does want to settle down. In a relationship. With someone he love and loves him back. I get that's not for everyone; hence my difficulty with sweeping generalizations. I think it is important to address the words and emotions expressed by the OP; that's why I find this comment completely out of context. So what?



It is up to the OP to decide what type of relationship he wants. Like it was for me. I didn't want an open relationship; two previous beaus did. Whether a relationship is open/closed has no bearing on what the OP wants. At least not at this point in his young life. So what?



Bitter, party of one, your table is ready.

Did you have fun breaking down my response bit by bit? Get a life.

 

[wallyj84]

You're only as loyal as your options.

 

[weho48]

It's just the nature of the beast so to speak....it's just a whole bunch of things wrapped up in a man!!! I have experienced it too often and will never understand it,.,

 

[niceone0305]

28 years here and still in love as if it were the first time we met.
I could not imagine my life without him.

 

[deleted1153667]

Been married to my husband for 4 years and together almost 7! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
I think every break up is difficult and feels like you will never find love again but it will come! The next one will be even better, even stronger and more honest! Just take time to concentrate on yourself right now and figure things out for you and life will take care of the rest

 

[1141702]

I would love to find a relationship with sexual compatibility.

Acceptance of self and others and confusion does not make it easy in general.

 

[englad]

I would say to the OP, do not wait to have a boyfriend before coming out. I came out before dating anyone. I think it is also crucial to be in a relationship, because you complement each other as a couple. Don't try to fill a perceived hole in your life. There is no point in being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. Love being yourself and being single too, and that happiness will shine out to others. Often when we're not looking or expecting something to develop, that's when relationships happen.

I know it hurts now, but like they say, things do get better and the next one could be a far more suitable boyfriend. One of the most invaluable things to remember (and this goes for any aspect of our lives, not just love) is, making mistakes is how we LEARN more. Each mistake teaches us something new. If we never made any mistakes, we likely wouldn't learn anything. I have had my share of relationships that didn't work out, but now I have a much clearer idea of what I want in a relationship than I did when I made previous mistakes.

 

[Burghf_er]

I think i'll miss him every day for the rest of my life.

Extremely unlikely.

 

[Burghf_er]

One of the most invaluable things to remember (and this goes for any aspect of our lives, not just love) is, making mistakes is how we LEARN more. Each mistake teaches us something new. If we never made any mistakes, we likely wouldn't learn anything. I have had my share of relationships that didn't work out, but now I have a much clearer idea of what I want in a relationship than I did when I made previous mistakes.

Yes, mistakes are learning experiences. But remember: a stupid person does not learn from his mistakes. A smarter person learns from his mistakes. The smartest person learns from other people's mistakes....

 

[Brian S]

Hello! First of all, sorry you're going through a rough time! I hope that I can shed some light on the subject...

I've been with my partner 15 years, and I know of other gay couples who have been in long term relationships as well - so I know it's possible. (Not a boast; an attempt at a 'chin-up' comment. )

In my experience, straight and lesbian couples are no different. For every gay couple I know who has broken up, I know of a straight couple who are cheating on each other. For every gay guy I know who has strayed from the relationship, there's a straight couple who are unhappy together. Not to say it's all doom and gloom; I know plenty of happy couples regardless of gender or sexuality. I just don't think it's an issue unique to the gay community is all.

It was rough going for me for a while, in terms of finding a partner. I was dumped, cheated on, lied to. I've even done the cheating in the past. I do think there are several things that make gay relationships unique in this way: the biggest one being the pressure we feel from society. Coming into my own in the 90's, there was no way I could openly date a boy, while all my buddies were dating girls because it was common and accepted. Right away, there's a sense of secrecy you feel you have to uphold. Then when you are ready to go public with it, there's the fear of being rejected. I was lucky enough to not have any inner turmoil as to whether or not I was gay - but I did worry about what others thought. Dating girls in my small hometown was just what you did. It wasn't just common and accepted, it was expected.

To extrapolate that into a bigger picture, I think - speaking purely of gay men here - that we sometimes have stunted sexual and emotional development when it comes to dating, because we generally can't be open about it. I did have a few sexual experiences, but once I finally left my no-stoplight town and moved to a city, I turned into a major manwhore. For me, it was because I hadn't had many REAL, REAL sexual experiences, nor any dating experience. I was like a kid in a candy shop. And not to be sexist or stereotypical, but I do think men are more easily swayed into sex - men, in general. (I know there are always exceptions, so I'm not making a sweeping generalization. But I do think we're more geared to...well, be the pollinator.)

So I think that self-doubt, along with societies pressures and what's considered "normal" affects our ability to have stable relationships sometimes. I think because of all that, we start the process later in life sometimes. While my peers were all settling down, getting married, and having kids, I was busy sluttin' it up in the city. Because I never had that dating experience under my belt like they got to have. I do see the tides changing, as it gets more and more acceptable to be gay and be out. But that's my own self-analyzed take on the matter. Keep at it; you'll find someone!

 

[Haggard_Wisdom]

Hey guys. I posting this thread in hopes that someone on here that has been through this maybe can help me.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend... my very first real boyfriend. He was the sweetest guy on earth... we grew so close... I was and still am very much in love with him. I thought we were perfect for each-other. We were alike in so many ways, had such similarities. Nobody could understand me like him.

We kept our relationship a secret from our families. At the beginning of our relationship he said it was because he wanted to make sure I would stick around. Then here we are.. like 5 months later. Things were getting serious between us. And that's when it all started to go south. I was ready to come out with him to my family. Thats how much I liked him. But he wasn't. The strain of keeping everything hidden I guess was wearing on him too much. He claims that it has nothing to do with me. That he needs to "find who he really is" and "what he is doing with his life". He said that I deserved better than him.

He broke up with me, it shattered my world into a million pieces. I was the happiest I had ever been with him. The pain of it all is almost unbearable.

The last guys that I have had "things" with ALWAYS are in this same situation. It seems like gay guys are INCAPIABLE of being in a real, long term relationship. They always say they need time to work on themselves. They always say its them and not me. They always say I am better off without them.

Right now I feel like I am at Rock Bottom, and feel like I will never find anyone for the rest of my life.

To anyone who reads all of this and can help me out, thank you so much.

The bolded stood out like dogs' balls to me. Your bloke just wasn't ready. No doubt he cared for you but maybe he just could not out himself to his own family. What did you know of them and would they have been at all accepting of you and him as a gay couple?

 

[MurdockPSB]

Hey guys. I posting this thread in hopes that someone on here that has been through this maybe can help me.

I just recently broke up with my boyfriend... my very first real boyfriend....The last guys that I have had "things" with ALWAYS are in this same situation. It seems like gay guys are INCAPIABLE of being in a real, long term relationship. They always say they need time to work on themselves. They always say its them and not me. They always say I am better off without them.

Right now I feel like I am at Rock Bottom, and feel like I will never find anyone for the rest of my life.

To anyone who reads all of this and can help me out, thank you so much.

Keeping secrets, whether it's from each other or others around you, definitely can put a strain on any relationship. First relationships can always be rocky, too. And I've had my heart broken more than a few times by men in my life, so I have a bit of experience in this arena.

It can really feel like finding someone who wants a committed relationship is chasing an impossible dream. I know I always seem to get guys who just want some fling or already have a partner and want something on the side. But there are plenty of us out there looking for something serious. Don't give up after one disaster, though. Sometimes, you only see what was wrong long after the fact. Sometimes, it just doesn't work no matter how much you want it to. Trying to figure out what went wrong can even drive you crazy if you let it. But just don't give up hope. Know that we're all flawed somehow and building a relationship takes time and commitment from both sides.

But hey, I've been single for 8 years now... so, don't lead by my example. LOL

 

[englad]

Did you have fun breaking down my response bit by bit? Get a life.

I honestly think if you were less of a negative nancy (and quite probably a better judge of character), your love life would be happier. Despondency and negativity do tend to shine through for others. Those sort of qualitites don't tend to be appealing.