Why Are My Dates Not Turning Into Seconds?

ChanelleNo5

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.
 
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Complex8

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.
I was just having this conversation with a friend - I, too, have had some recent dating hiccups and been wondering if it's me, or the game, that has changed. I think there are 3 out potential out takes - 1) it's you (the obvious, and first response, reaction we default to; 2) it's them (this is usually when our defenses kick in and we don't want to admit it's on us); and 3) it's the game. Personally, I think it's the game that's changed, which is the cause for 'why' it's us or them. Apps, websites, etc. have made dating far too easy. It's become a numbers game and often the smorgasbord of options has nothing to do with someone's intent. He/She can want the exact same things you want, but having too many options (all presumably as interesting to them) means that someone is getting overlooked while their attention is elsewhere - digital dating also doesn't allow us to focus our attention on more than one person, so we are 'full in' with this one and then when they are out of site, we focus on the next - so most likely, lack of response isn't because they didn't like us, or we did something wrong, but more likely they are focused on the new, shiny object. I've said this all along with how digital communication has changed 'how' we communicate (less able to engage in small talk, look people on the eye, meet people in the flesh and have proper conversations, talking to/meeting strangers)..and I think the same applies to dating. I also think we apply the same interpretations/assumptions to behavior that we would if we met someone in a more traditional manner - and this isn't practical. Digital dating also reshapes our expectations - we expect if we sent a DM or a text, event to a friend, that they reply nearly immediately or else they are blowing us off. We expect everyone is as consistently connected as the next person - or as we are. And this doesn't fit with how most dating scenarios historically work. We have to adjust our expectations, and actions, in these scenarios...and sometimes just DM'ing, not getting a reply and then wondering what went wrong isn't where we start panicking - likewise, expecting that because someone might have been 'immediate' in their replies/attention before doesn't mean that will continue once you meet. It makes us form a whole new set of expectations - and not all of them make sense, or follow reason. Personally, I've found having a set list of standards for what I want, expect, how I act, etc. is a more satisfying approach - that way, no matter how cool, or aloof, someone is - I'm judging their actions/response based on what my standards are - how I want to be treated/communicated with/reacted to - so I worry less about them not liking me of what went wrong. So, not sure if that helped - but I think it's more likely the manner in which we date that's the cause and not 'how men think.'
 

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I usually don’t comment on topics like this, but from a physical standpoint it’s on them.

You are beautiful in every regard.

Personality wise maybe you’re just not clicking. ( Again that’s not on you. It’s juat the way it is. )

I will say that I believe that apps like Tinder are mostly used for booking up by guys. I would use a web based dating site before Tinder if I was a woman.

Good luck!
 
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It's become a numbers game and often the smorgasbord of options has nothing to do with someone's intent. He/She can want the exact same things you want, but having too many options (all presumably as interesting to them) means that someone is getting overlooked while their attention is elsewhere - digital dating also doesn't allow us to focus our attention on more than one person, so we are 'full in' with this one and then when they are out of site, we focus on the next - so most likely, lack of response isn't because they didn't like us, or we did something wrong, but more likely they are focused on the new, shiny object.

but I think it's more likely the manner in which we date that's the cause and not 'how men think.'

I think this is exactly what is going on.

While there certainly is the convenience of opening your device, browsing from a menu, and ordering something up, we've homogenized and extended that experience past food into social experiences. I can put as much effort and time into ordering a pizza, as it would take to click a profile and arrange a meeting.

Thing is, I think the pendulum is going to swing back the other way once enough people get sick of App dating. It's new, easy, and trending, but it lacks the element that is supposed to be the focus of social interactions: substance.
 

marriedasian

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a while back, i was talking to one of my wife's female friends and she had brought up that she was getting a lot of dates but not getting any bites long-term. she would go on 2, maybe 3 dates and then either the guy would ghost her or he would simply shut down any further dating. she was a very attractive woman yet this kept happening to her. after much discussion, i learned that all the men she was dating were not losers and were men of value. after hearing more intimate details of a couple of her dates, i came to the conclusion that it was the men she was dating but it was actually her.

i had to tell her bluntly that if all the men she was dating was good-solid men then it could very well be her. she was not ready to hear this and denied any potential possibility that it was her. she went to rant on about how good she was and how well-behaved she was however with everything she threw at me, all i kept saying was "then how come they don't come back?"... it was only after about 20 mintues or so of my constantly repeating this to her that it finally sunk in. i told her to go home and self-evaluate what she's doing and then go from there.

about a month later she came over to my house with my wife and i asked her how she was doing in the dating department. she shared that she was still single and was now steadily dating 2 guys. i was happy for her and asked her if she figured out her issue. she shared with me that she had this bad habit of trying to fix or help the guys she was dating too much and was in a way "mothering" them which was turning them off. if they would share with her something that they were doing, she would immediately offer her suggestion of how to get it done and done better; and if they disagreed, she would argue her point on why her idea was better... i asked her how she figured it out and she shared that one of her girlfriends shared this with her when they went on a double date. it was a hard pill for her to swallow but she took it to heart and is doing better with guys now.

long story short, i have to ask the OP... maybe it's you? now 3-4 dates isn't enough of data pool to get an accurate measurement but if you go on 10 dates and they all go south, then it's either you picked all the bad ones or it's just "you". i would encourage the OP to go talk to a friend that you can trust and analyze your dates to see if there's any commonality between them and try to figure out where the issue is. there's a reason your dates keep ghosting you...

good luck otherwise!
 

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.

From a physical attraction point of view I'm pretty sure it's not that. You are a very attractive woman with a great body, I'm certainly attracted to you!

The dating scene is tricky, I think sometimes guys (and women do it to), date someone they have a physical attraction too but then upon dating find there's perhaps not the click or connection there for things to go any further.

It does of course make things harder to figure out when people ghost, rather than being honest and providing the feedback as to why. Sometimes I think it's because some people are hedging there bets i.e. They are dating a few at the same time and think by ghosting it buys them time while they figure out who there are going to commit to.
 
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Gj816

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.


I feel ya. The same thing has happened to me. I chalk it up to their loss not mine. I've always texted or called them to tell them I enjoyed their company. Then they ghost you.

It's completely their loss not mine.
I know my self worth. I figure it's better to find out early in the game that I'm not important to them. Rather than wasting my time to find this out later.

Don't get discouraged keep going on dates eventually you'll find one that's worth keeping. He'll give you a call and ask you ot again. It's like fishing you throw back the little ones and try for a bigger one. Good luck.
 
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Sagittarius84

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Not trying to swell your head, but as a general rule, if a man is on a date with you, he's attracted to you...obviously as I wasn't present for any of these dates I cant give a play by play, but two things jump out at me: 1st being a woman on a sexually themed site, you may be intimidating these men in subtle ways that they cannot handle..2nd you made no mention of your attraction to them or how you may have expressed said attraction, so they may think you're not feeling them..
I always think it's helpful for dating women to get a straight male wingman that's not interested in getting in your pants..take him for a double date and let him observe..he may give you insight.
 
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Jjz1109

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.

You are a beautiful person. The conversation seems to have gone well, too. So, what could it be?

Perhaps some of the conversations, and a vibe a dude is getting from you. What things are you discussing during the dates? No need to respond, but perhaps something to think about. Back in the day when I was single, I met some great women on first dates, and then they’d mention a prior relationship. Made me feel like I was a rebound. Or that they were still thinking of that person. Sometimes they might have brought up a some strong view on a topic (relationships, politics, world events). I always found that keeping things generic, or not going too in depth, on a first date often allowed for a second or third date to occur.
 
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Austindylan15

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I have been utilizing dating sites lately. I have been on 4 dates. 3 of them were amazing (I thought?) and they are displaying that they're attracted I think. (Lower back touching, just kind brushing across me). Like the entire afternoon/evening was great conversation

But then I get a hug and a text that they had a great time. I don't hear back if I DM them.

Please leave your sexual thoughts at the door. I am looking for real advice.
dm me
 

thickcockjames

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Well...hard to say I guess. I can give the advice to you that I give myself when that happens, not everyone is a perfect fit. I've had the same experience on dates, and I'm sure I've been the guy who didn't call for a second when she wanted me to, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right for one reason or another.

For me, when I'm going on a date, I'm looking for something that can't really be summed up in a bio, or anything like that. Yeah, being attracted to her counts, I wouldn't go on the date if I weren't attracted to her. Personality counts as well, so does sense of humor, but more importantly for me, if I just get a certain vibe that makes me feel a bit more relaxed then I'll be more inclined to want to go on the next date. I don't think it's anything that can be manufactured, it just has to kind of be there between two people. And it's okay if it isn't, honestly.