Why are some gay men exclusive tops? (Take 2)

For gay men who are exclusive tops: Why are you an exclusive top?

  • My nature/orientation is to top. Bottoming goes against my instincts.

    Votes: 15 21.4%
  • I have a medical problem (e.g., IBS, hemorrhoids, anal fissures).

    Votes: 4 5.7%
  • No medical problem, but I find being penetrated uncomfortable/painful.

    Votes: 25 35.7%
  • I simply don't enjoy the sensation of being penetrated.

    Votes: 27 38.6%
  • I am dominant/aggressive; bottoming is too submissive/passive.

    Votes: 7 10.0%
  • I am masculine; bottoming is a feminine role.

    Votes: 3 4.3%
  • Topping makes me feel strong and powerful; bottoming would make me feel weak.

    Votes: 7 10.0%
  • Topping makes me feel superior to the bottom; I think bottoms are inferior.

    Votes: 3 4.3%
  • I don't want to be perceived by others as submissive/passive/weak/inferior.

    Votes: 5 7.1%
  • Other

    Votes: 8 11.4%

  • Total voters
    70
  • Poll closed .

supporter22

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The two questions in the poll are pretty similar for me. I didn't really know which one to put down. It hurts to much and I don't like the feeling of being penetrated. I actually don't have anal sex very often. But when I do, the guy always wants me to top anyway so it seems to work out. There is something else that prevents me from bottoming. I know that you increase the chances of getting AIDS by quite alot. Even though I always play safe, I figure hey if I am not that excited about being a bottom, why take the increased risk anyway. And yeah, I know that using a condom makes it safe, but it is still there in the back of my head.

All the power crap does not interest me at all. Whoever I am with I want it to be about the both of us and not about someone humiliating the other guy.

My past loves have nearly always been bottoms and negative, if you think the trip about GETTING HIV is tough, try being on the other end of that moral quandry.
 

Meniscus

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Thanks very much to everyone who voted and/or posted a reply. I'm seeing some very interesting stuff which I hope will develop into further discussion.

Alas, the thread seems to have hit a lull, perhaps because the population of exclusive tops isn't that big. So if you're not an exclusive top, but are still mostly a top or would like to be a top, please feel to chim in if you haven't done so already.

I'm going to post a few quick replies to other people's posts before I go to bed, then tomorrow I will post some additional thoughts. The poll will be open for nearly another month, so I'll bump the thread peridically, probably on the weekends when the site tends to be busier.
 

Meniscus

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I'm an exclusive top because I really dislike the sensation of being penetrated anally. I wish I could bottom (really I do), but it's just not within my skill-set. I feel violated emotionally and physically when even a finger is attempted. Entire penises are really just too much for me to handle.

That's really interesting, but I'm hoping you can elaborate a little. Do you dislike the physical sensation of being penetrated, or is your dislike solely for the feeling of being violated?

When you top another guy, do you feel like you are violating him, even if he's being willingly "violated"? Is that part of the thrill? If so, how do you...hmm...justify?...doing so.

I'm sure this comes, at least in part, to the sexual abuse I suffered as a child.

I'm very sorry to hear about the abuse. Somehow I knew that would be a reason for someone. I even thought of adding something like that as one of the poll choices (or something more generic like "previous trauma"), but since the poll was limited to 10 response options, I decided to stick with things less likely to bring up emotional baggage.

So my being an exclusive anal top has nothing to do with superiority or any perception on my part that bottoms are less masculine...

I'm glad to hear that. Alas, I have encountered different attitudes which, as I said in my original thread, make me not want to be a bottom. More on that later. (Probably tomorrow, because it's after 2:00 a.m.)

I'm sure I'll add much more to this interesting thread as it progresses.

Alas, it's not progressing as well as I had hoped, but maybe it'll pick up over the weekend.
 

Meniscus

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The two questions in the poll are pretty similar for me. I didn't really know which one to put down. It hurts to much and I don't like the feeling of being penetrated...

I did realize that there was some overlap between those two choices, but I wanted to capture some of the nuances of different people's reasons for not wanting to be penetrated (i.e., some people might dislike the sensation without finding it painful).

Anyway, I set up the poll so that you could pick more than one choice, so if you haven't yet voted you can still do so.

All the power crap does not interest me at all. Whoever I am with I want it to be about the both of us and not about someone humiliating the other guy.

Cool. Thanks for your reply.
 

Meniscus

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...he was gentle and tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible. But, I felt emasculated and emotionally violated by the entire process. I just have no desire to be a bottom and find it not my cup of tea, as they say.

OK, so I have to ask you the same question I asked Bbucko. When you top someone, do you feel that you are violating or emasculating him? If so, why is that OK to do?

Although I share the role playing of being the Dom, or not, I do think of myself mainly as the Dom. However, I don't think that has anything to do with controling the other, just the one that is the stronger, so to speak, of the two. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make much sense.

Do you perceive bottoms as weaker men? Is topping about violating a weaker man? If not then what?
 

Meniscus

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i have topped exclusively in a past relationship but in most recent one (14 yrs) i was exclusively bottom......i havent had sex since either way (about 9 mths now) but id like a 100% top when i eventualy meet him........suggestions welcome as is a potential long term partner....its getting real lonely having no contact with anyone this length of time.

It's only been 9 months and you're complaining? I've had several dry spells, the longest of which was nearly 3 years, and I'm sure there are people who have gone a lot longer?

I'm just "taking the piss out" on you. (I hoped I used that expression right. I've seen a few of the UK members use it recently.) Good luck finding a partner.
 

Meniscus

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...I don't call myself a top, bottom, or versatile for anal sex since I'm more into oral sex and jack off, kissing/making out, bondage/SM, and rubbing around AKA frot/frottage. Also it sounds weird but I love licking men's hairy ripe armpits!

OK, so you don't like to bottom. Do you ever top? Do you like it? Or would you prefer not to have anal sex at all? Do you think you would have a problem finding/keeping a partner without "giving in" to anal sex once in a while, or do you find that the men you meet are OK doing non-anal activities?

A couple of other guys also mentioned not really being into anal sex, either way, so I pose the same questions to them.
 

Meniscus

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In contrast to this thread, I am an exclusive bottom. I'm bi, and when i'm with a guy it usually works out that he blows me, then fucks me, guys enjoy fucking my ass because I have really intense anal orgasms, but when it comes to topping, it's not that much of a turn on for me...

Is an "anal orgasm" a regular orgasm caused by anal stimulation, or a different type of orgasm altogether?

Also, can you describe what you don't like about topping? I thought I'd really enjoy it until I tried it, but found the experience to be a bit disappointing. I'm wondering if you're experience is similar to mine.

P.S. I love your ass pic with your balls showing between your legs. It makes me want to try topping again!
 

silvertriumph2

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OK, so I have to ask you the same question I asked Bbucko. When you top someone, do you feel that you are violating or emasculating him? If so, why is that OK to do?



Do you perceive bottoms as weaker men? Is topping about violating a weaker man? If not then what?


Well, I am in a long time relationship (20+ years), he is the love of my life and I would never do anything that would violate or emasculate the one that I love.

It's just that when we do anal, which is not that often, it is usually at his request. I like to top and he likes to bottom....it is as simple as that. He has never asked for us to reverse positions...so I am not sure what would happen. However, since we both are huge cuddlers and prefer oral over anal....it really isn't a problem and I doubt it it will ever come up.

No, I do not perceive bottoms as weaker men....and especially not him! Actually, he is 10 years my junior, is in great physical shape since he spends at least 3 hours a day in the gym and is a physical fitness and yoga instructor in his off time. He is anything but weak, and is much the stronger of the two of us!

I just asked him if he thought of himself as the weaker being the bottom and he said resoundly "NO...we are equals." And, that is the way I feel about it too.
 

D_Roland_D_Hay

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For a long time I was an exclusive top...only out of the fear that it would hurt to be a bottom. There was never a power stuggle or believe that I was more superior. I have always thought that was a bit odd.

I tried it a couple of times, but it seemed as though there was no pleasure and a lot of pain. However, I met a guy who taught me the right way to be a top and bottom. He was an excellent teacher and showed me the right way to bottom. After he shared his technique, becoming a bottom was more pleasureable. I now consider myself versatile. It is very hot to have sex with a guy and trade positions throughout...very hot indeed. In fact it has made sex with both men and women more pleasurable overall.
 

B_VinylBoy

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I'm truly a person who is right down the middle. I tend to adjust to the type of person I'm with. In the past, I've been with those who are anywhere from 90% to exclusive top, so if I like them that much then I accept the bottom role. Other times I've been with exclusive bottoms, so I accept the role as the top. Very rarely do I find those who like to top AND bottom pretty equally. But the few times I did... WOW! I just wish I knew where these hot, versatile pups are these days? Strangely enough, age plays some kind of mental factor in my decision process. I tend to feel obligated to be the top when presented with guys younger than me, but more of a bottom if the man is older. That's not always the rule for me, of course, but initially that's how my brain operates.

Anyhoo. I'm an equal opportunity fucker/fuckee.
 

green carnation

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What a fascinating conversation. I love you guys and feel so happy to be able to chat about such things in such company. Enough alright already.

I am a total top, but sometimes fantasize about being penetrated with a small cock. Sometimes use other objects etc myself. So it is not a fear of being hurt etc I have it is just something I dont really want to do. I think potential embarassment is a big part of my reticence.

I love being a top, and to confuse matters even more have probably always been the more feminine one in a relationship and people always assume I am the bottom, but I am not. I have to admit it feels very powerful to pleasure someone in so 'base' a way, but I wouldn't say it makes me feel like a man. I have only recently discovered that I am apparently good at fucking and that guys love it, so it works out beautifully.

It is a very convoluted thing and is certainly not as black and white as male/female, active/passive that some heterosexuals like to think. By the way I hate that term passive as most "bottoms" I know are anything but passive! And also while I am het bashing I would like to point out to them that fucking is not the be-all-and-end-all of a sexual encounter between two men (unlike in a male-female encounter-I presume).
 

mjcp

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I love topping. I love everything about it, the sensation, the slight dominance, the look on his face as I make him cum, the intial reaction to my size, etc. That being said, I can enjoy bottoming too, but it's very rare that I find someone interested in doing that. I've been told that I come across as being too masculine, but I LOVE fucking masculine guys. So I guess I would be more vers, but really end up being exclusively top, with really no complaints.
 

Damian Johnson

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Trust me...you will be wanting more when I am through with you.


But it looks so big in them horny pic views dude! I dont know if my arse can take something that size! Perhaps you could fly over to London so that I can have a closer inspection of it before I make a final descision?? Im can guarantee you mouth, pit and hand action - and if I feel horny then I will give up my arse for de-virginising. You want me to book the air flights? :biggrin1: