Why are there so few old gay couples?

samanthaDee

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All gay cis men past 40 that I know are single.
Why are there so few older gay men couples?
I know plenty of older cis lesbian couples but zero cis gay male couples in their 50s or 60s.

Many gay cis men past 40 that I know are wealthy but they always use this wealth as if it were an advertisement, when they are searching for a relationship.

Why are most gay men in this situation?

When I asked a gay friend about the reason behind that, the only reason that I got was that youth is very important under gay men and that the high rate of promiscuity leads to gay men past 40 no longer being in demand.

I found this very sad.
As a 38 year old straight trans woman I still get plenty of attention from men.
Hearing the stories from these gay men often leads to me counting my lucky stars that I didn't have to grow old as a gay cis man.

Can someone with inside info tell me a bit more about why you guys are dealing with these issues?
Is it because the gay scene is superficial/judgy? Is it because the gay scene is so carnal / sexual in nature?
 

winesthel945

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Many older gay men came of age when homosexuality to could get you ostracized, fired from your job, arrested, or killed. This drove many to stay closeted for a very long time, which not only made finding partners hard, but also affected people's psychological make-up in ways that sometimes made it hard to trust, hard to open up and be vulnerable, etc. So for lots of men aged late 40s through their 60s, they saw terrible times that did not reward building lasting romantic relationships.

(There's a play and movie called "Jeffrey" that is about a gay man in the late 80s/early 90s struggling to be open to relationships in a world where people were dropping dead with great regularity... it is a great movie, funny, sad, and a window into an experience that was very real for many men.)

Even for those of us in our late 40s and early 50s, who came of age on the cusp of when attitudes and laws started changing, there were challenges in meeting well-adjusted gay men who were emotionally open and prepared for relationships. I have met many men in their 40s and up who simply never learned how to live with another person. They may date, but they simply cannot make long term commitments. For some, they're very happy that way. For some, they seem to complain chronically that they are single and lonely, but they show zero interest or capabilities to change their ways in a manner that might make it welcoming to another. This may be related to psychological issues; maybe they could have gotten some psychotherapy at a point before the grooves became too far worn into their being.

Even today, I know a lot of gay men who travel a huge amount. They're always going on gay cruises, heading off to gay events around the world, or even just around the US. They claim they're having fun. But it leaves no room to have a conventional relationship, unless they find someone in the exact same circumstances, with a job (or independent wealth) that allows them to travel like that.

I knows a lot of younger gay men in their 20s and 30s who are following that same path: they have so many friends, and spend so much of their lives partying with their straight girlfriends or close gay friends that they have no room in their lives to stay in one place long enough to build a relationship. When I was single, I met a number of guys who simply had no time for a second or third date, and then accused me of ghosting them when I gave up trying to get on their incredibly busy social calendar. These are the ones who'll still be single in 20 or 30 years and wonder why they never met "Mr. Right"... They cannot comprehend that they probably met him five or six of them and never made any time to get to know them.
 

LPSG Simon

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I kind of wonder if for some people, if this is to do with outsider privilege and being able to aspire to our own narratives.

Traditionally, straight people were taught to settle down and start a family etc. But being on the outside of this opens the idea that among other ways of living. There's nothing wrong with singularity. Some people also prefer to have a network of close intimate friends (physical or otherwise) instead of 1 person and children to grow old with.

There are those of us who would rather have a series of significant relationships and who would ideally let those season into lifelong friendships (see above) instead of looking for 'the one and only' forever-partner.

...There is also the argument that 'delayed / sustained adolescence' might just keep us from wanting to settle down all the way into middle age.

OR - Coupled gay men drop out of visible social scenes and you might just not be encountering them as much.

Perhaps there are some statistics published about this, but it's probably not that accurate that it's so sad. Maybe it is for some, but perhaps it's just different than people assume in terms of what makes someone fulfilled with their lives.
 
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LPSG Simon

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Not to sound grim either, but we are also dealing with a cohort gap due to AIDS. Many many people never got the chance to grow old, and the epidemic took hold just as the gates on equality started to open. This is devastating for an outsider community to experience. Not only in terms of real loss, but also in terms of how communities evolve and the absence of a diversity of examples are passed down.

Millennials might be the first cohort to not be overtly living under the spectre of mortality being tied to their sexual orientation, and a lot of them don't have examples in the community to learn from - yet they still inherit the remnants of what happened. The living examples of those who survived are also heavily influenced with the impulse to live for just today instead of settling down and investing in long-game commitments.
 
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MisterB

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All gay cis men past 40 that I know are single.
Why are there so few older gay men couples?
I know plenty of older cis lesbian couples but zero cis gay male couples in their 50s or 60s.
Seems you are not traveling in the right circles, as I can assure you there are lots of us older gay men couples. Try Home Depot or Lowes lol. We do love our home improvements!

Many gay cis men past 40 that I know are wealthy but they always use this wealth as if it were an advertisement, when they are searching for a relationship.

Why are most gay men in this situation?

When I asked a gay friend about the reason behind that, the only reason that I got was that youth is very important under gay men and that the high rate of promiscuity leads to gay men past 40 no longer being in demand.
Most gay couples are DINKS. No kids. No expenses associated with that. No saving for college funds for the kiddos. And so on.

Also, as couples age, straight or gay, more chances of being widowed. This could be the situation of many gay cis men past 40 that you know who are wealthy and single.

And newsflash: No demographic has a lock on "youth is very important". Sure are a lot of older men/younger women around, eh?

I found this very sad.
As a 38 year old straight trans woman I still get plenty of attention from men.
Hearing the stories from these gay men often leads to me counting my lucky stars that I didn't have to grow old as a gay cis man.

Can someone with inside info tell me a bit more about why you guys are dealing with these issues?
Is it because the gay scene is superficial/judgy? Is it because the gay scene is so carnal / sexual in nature?
Don't be sad about that which you are not aware of.

And how nice you still get plenty of attention from men. I'd continue to count your lucky starts and hope that doesn't change IF you are fortunate enough to grow old...

As to the last paragraph you wrote? Again, us gays don't have a lock on dealing with aging issues and how that can/may affect who we grow old with. Shit happens.

And I would also posit that us gays do not have a lock on being superficial/judgy. Nor do we have a lock on being the carnal/sexual in nature scene either!
 

MisterB

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Many older gay men came of age when homosexuality to could get you ostracized, fired from your job, arrested, or killed. This drove many to stay closeted for a very long time, which not only made finding partners hard, but also affected people's psychological make-up in ways that sometimes made it hard to trust, hard to open up and be vulnerable, etc. So for lots of men aged late 40s through their 60s, they saw terrible times that did not reward building lasting romantic relationships.

(There's a play and movie called "Jeffrey" that is about a gay man in the late 80s/early 90s struggling to be open to relationships in a world where people were dropping dead with great regularity... it is a great movie, funny, sad, and a window into an experience that was very real for many men.)

Even for those of us in our late 40s and early 50s, who came of age on the cusp of when attitudes and laws started changing, there were challenges in meeting well-adjusted gay men who were emotionally open and prepared for relationships. I have met many men in their 40s and up who simply never learned how to live with another person. They may date, but they simply cannot make long term commitments. For some, they're very happy that way. For some, they seem to complain chronically that they are single and lonely, but they show zero interest or capabilities to change their ways in a manner that might make it welcoming to another. This may be related to psychological issues; maybe they could have gotten some psychotherapy at a point before the grooves became too far worn into their being.

Even today, I know a lot of gay men who travel a huge amount. They're always going on gay cruises, heading off to gay events around the world, or even just around the US. They claim they're having fun. But it leaves no room to have a conventional relationship, unless they find someone in the exact same circumstances, with a job (or independent wealth) that allows them to travel like that.

I knows a lot of younger gay men in their 20s and 30s who are following that same path: they have so many friends, and spend so much of their lives partying with their straight girlfriends or close gay friends that they have no room in their lives to stay in one place long enough to build a relationship. When I was single, I met a number of guys who simply had no time for a second or third date, and then accused me of ghosting them when I gave up trying to get on their incredibly busy social calendar. These are the ones who'll still be single in 20 or 30 years and wonder why they never met "Mr. Right"... They cannot comprehend that they probably met him five or six of them and never made any time to get to know them.
What you describe does not ring true for me; as someone who came out at 19 in 1973, this has not been my experience.

I led my life. Did my thing. Realized early on that I'm much more of a monogamist that promiscuous person.

Had some fits and starts; coupled twice with two guys who said they too wanted monogamy. They lied.

After failure of monogamous relationship number 2, met my Hubby of 45 years. Who like me, he'd just come out of a committed relationship that was committed on only one side.

So when we met, both having been recently burned, we took it slow. Made sure we were both ready for the right now, the long haul and most importantly for us, being monogamous.
 

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OR - Coupled gay men drop out of visible social scenes and you might just not be encountering them as much.
^^^ This ^^^

Once Hubby and I were settled down and living together, we still went out occasionally. Maybe once every few months. One thing that we always complained about going out was smelling like cigarettes when we got home. Yuck. So not going out helped with that!

More often than not, we either entertained other couples/friends at home or were invited to do such at theirs. And, if anyone invited to our house was a smoker, outside they were sent to do such. Long before it became normal for such to happen as is de rigueur today.
 
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Not to sound grim either, but we are also dealing with a cohort gap due to AIDS. Many many people never got the chance to grow old, and the epidemic took hold just as the gates on equality started to open. This is devastating for an outsider community to experience. Not only in terms of real loss, but also in terms of how communities evolve and the absence of a diversity of examples are passed down.
This absolutely destroyed the gay community in the early 80s, especially not fully understanding how/why the disease was transmitted.

Millennials might be the first cohort to not be overtly living under the spectre of mortality being tied to their sexual orientation, and a lot of them don't have examples in the community to learn from - yet they still inherit the remnants of what happened. The living examples of those who survived are also heavily influenced with the impulse to live for just today instead of settling down and investing in long-game commitments.
Yup. Sadly, a lot of our friends were of the mindset: whatever is meant to be will happen. And sadly, too many of them paid the ultimate sacrifice with that attitude. Gone well before their time.

It also caused some friends who were regular gadabouts to settle down in their quest to stay unaffected/well. Friends for the most part we never expected would partner up and settle down.

Sadly, that didn't always work out if/when one partner unknowingly cheated and then passed on this infection to their partner as well.

It was a very difficult time to live through, especially given that it was primarily considered a "gay disease". AIDS didn't get the attention and focus to cure/eradicate/treat early on as it would have had it been also affecting the heterosexual community back then.

By the late 80s, we'd lost count of the friends who succumbed to that awful disease. :sob:
 

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All gay cis men past 40 that I know are single.
Why are there so few older gay men couples?
I know plenty of older cis lesbian couples but zero cis gay male couples in their 50s or 60s.

Many gay cis men past 40 that I know are wealthy but they always use this wealth as if it were an advertisement, when they are searching for a relationship.

Why are most gay men in this situation?

When I asked a gay friend about the reason behind that, the only reason that I got was that youth is very important under gay men and that the high rate of promiscuity leads to gay men past 40 no longer being in demand.

I found this very sad.
As a 38 year old straight trans woman I still get plenty of attention from men.
Hearing the stories from these gay men often leads to me counting my lucky stars that I didn't have to grow old as a gay cis man.

Can someone with inside info tell me a bit more about why you guys are dealing with these issues?
Is it because the gay scene is superficial/judgy? Is it because the gay scene is so carnal / sexual in nature?
While all the over 40 gay men you personally know are single, this is not representative of all gay men. There are lots of older gay male couples.
 
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Brodie888

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The most common reason I believe is that as many gay men get older, their taste in men stays the same. They don't want someone their own age.

Even if you are someone who is looking for the same age, you will struggle to find someone but you will have lots of young guys who want to live out their daddy fantasies.

My theory is that most times, the age difference is great in bed, but day to day, the difference doesn't work and the relationships break down quickly. So you end up with older guys with half a dozen casual fuck buddies until they reach the grand daddy phase.

At this point, they usually have one or two gold diggers who are leaching off the older man's wealth hoping to eventually inherit.
 

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This month my hubby and I will celebrate 17 years together. I'm in my early 60's, he in his 50's. I work with a guy who has been with his hubby for 37 years. They are both in their 60's.

We exist its just you don't see us in bars etc., as that stage passed a long time ago.
 

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There's probably no reason to beat this subject like a dead horse, but from the consensus, the OP got a type-full. Gay older couples are plentiful. They predominantly tend to feel their status is their business only.

My favorites are the ones who like to show off their great physiques, but that's my business only. :)