Why did you divorce?

[Principessa]

Why Did You Divorce?
In another thread it was mentioned that most divorces occur because of sex or the lack thereof. I know it is rarely just one thing that ends a relationship. It is usually an accumulation of things that one or both partners feel they just can't live with anymore.

John Gray said on a talk show once that most marriages can survive the death of a child, a major illness, or even infidelity. What the average marriage cannot survive is the small things, like: wet towels on the floor, squeezing toothpaste in the middle of the tube, or different spending habits. I'm not sure I agree with that, but I can see where that might be true for some people.

I'm curious why did you divorce?

Multiple choices are allowed on the anonymous poll.

 

[dolfette]

i asked him to leave because, as he admitted, he just stopped being nice.
almost overnight in fact.
at first i thought it was the shock of parenthood.
but then i realised it was that there'd been a fundamental shift in how he saw me...we were no longer partners. i was the mother of his child and therefore a chattel.
i'm worth more than that.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Over 12 years we separated 3 times over her drinking... each time she would promise to stop, and for a year or two it would be good, but then she would start sneaking it back into our lives until I would, again, be finding half empty bottle of vodka hidden all over the house.
There was always one last thing or circumstance standing between her and happiness... and, as time wore on and I, one by one, eliminated every one of those complaints... making more money, getting a bigger house, getting a nicer car, newer washer-dryer, taking her on vacation to Europe...
Well... that pretty much left the Me as being the source of her misery and anger.

Her treatment of me eroded to a bitter core of rage and dislike, my growing success only made her less satisfied and more likely to be passed out by 7pm.

Eventually, I cam home one evening to find her passed out, and vodka hidden in all her usual spots.... and I realized that I wasn't angery, nor sad, nor disappointed nor tearful, nor... anything, really...
I finally, at last, just didn't care anymore...

It was a very hard period in American history to form any kind of decent relationship... the feminist movement was in full rant and Oprah and a dozen others were on TV all day long expounding on the inherent evil in anything male... she read books like MALEpractice, that painted exaggerated and derisive images of men and masculinity..
For so long I had wanted to rescue her... in an era when that sentiment was seen as vile and manipulative.

We married young... divorced at 35. in all that time, she never forgave an error or failing, never forgot an injury, no matter how unintentional.

She never formed another relationship with a man that has lasted...

 

[Lex]

From all the literature I have read, the top marriage breakers are budget (money habits) and Sex (or the lack thereof). Some reports say that 75% of married men and women have little to no sex (less than 6-7 times a year).

The little things-- being slovenly, or even different housekeeping habits can drive you apart. It's important that people become friends and establish ground rules BEFORE they get married. Also--there is little research to show that living together first actually has any positive benefit to a couple's longevity.

 

[Principessa]

From all the literature I have read, the top marriage breakers are budget (money habits) and Sex (or the lack thereof). Some reports say that 75% of married men and women have little to no sex (less than 6-7 times a year).

The little things-- being slovenly, or even different housekeeping habits can drive you apart. It's important that people become friends and establish ground rules BEFORE they get married. Also--there is little research to show that living together first actually has any positive benefit to a couple's longevity.

I dated a man for 12 years and we almost came to blows over his insistence that olive oil had to be refrigerated so it wouldn't go bad, the way he would leave his shoes in the middle of the floor, and the fact he couldn't dry off in the bathroom. He would walk sopping wet, on the carpet to the bedroom. Leaving huge size 13EE wet spots down the hall. :irked:

I am not a fan of living together, I've never done it. I may stay at his place for 2-3 days but that's it. Too brainwashed by my older parents I guess. :dunno:

What I don't get is when a couple buys a house, apartment, or condo together; but won't marry. :261: How is it you can commit to a 30 year mortgage; but you can't commit to love each other for at least that long via marriage? Makes no sense to me. :no:

 

[dolfette]

maybe they just don't see the point.
it's a big party & a bit of paper.

 

[Wrist_thick10]

It's simple for me. I couldn't keep my dick in my pants. But I would always tell my ex not to talk about our sex lives with her girlfriends. She would tell them that sex was painful for her because I was too big. Thats just what some women want to hear. Becareful what you tell!

 

[spidergrrrl]

Interesting topic. In my case, it was a loss of respect. I lost respect for my now ex-husband because of how he chose to deal with being unemployed for a year. After the unemployment benefits ran out, he preferred taking handouts (asking his parents for money) than stooping to taking a job that was "beneath" him. He was spoiled and had an entitlement mentality ("my parents should help me because I deserve it", "I should be able to land whatever job I want because I deserve it" etc.)

When I asked him what he would do if his parents were no longer able to help us, he said "well, I'd take whatever job I could find." I asked him why he didn't do that then, and his reply was "well, I don't have to."

And it wasn't like I was sitting at home doing nothing. I had a job of my own, starting up my freelance web and graphic design business. I was making enough money to support myself, but wasn't able to cover both of us. He had over $100k in debt - school loans, credit cards, car payments.

He also wanted to have children, which in our case would have involved some form of intervention (either IVF or a surrogate) as I wasn't able to get pregnant on my own. I told him he was out of his mind to even think of this while he had no job. His answer? "God will help us through."

The last straw involved the fact that both of us were at home 24/7, yet he didn't do anything to help me with what needed to be done at home. While he was working, I had no problem doing most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. since I worked from home. But if you're going to be home on your ass all day, playing video games after "looking for work" (spamming recruiters with resumes for all of an hour a day), don't expect me to be happy about it. And no, I'm not one of those people who expects you to read my mind. I asked him repeatedly to help me out, only to have things fall on deaf ears.

In retrospect, I see that we didn't know each other well enough before we got married - we rushed. But I also know I'm very lucky this went down without me getting pregnant, without any joint assets or liabilities, and before five years lapsed (made the divorce proceedings a lot easier). Things would have been a lot more complicated otherwise. I'm just chalking this experience up to a *huge* life lesson learned. I know what worked and didn't work for me, I know what I want and don't want, and I know what I'm willing and unwilling to tolerate.

 

[TheRob]

the answer is always, at least in part, "we didn't know each other that well"

 

[helgaleena]

The true reason was not one of the choices above, so I simply chose 'I dunno'-- Even after my husband was sentenced to 36 years incarceration, he still supported his child for fifteen years. But then he started freaking out and accusing me of things he merely was imagining. He called me 'abusive' for not listening to his abuse--collect.

No amount of grocery money was worth the pain it caused our child to listen to this.

What a relief to finally feel free to have sex with someone other than myself.

 

[dolfette]

36 years???

 

[JamieBoy]

Maybe more clichés / platitudes... BUT something I once read seemed to touch a chord.

"It's not the loss of love that distroys a marriage (/relationship) - but a loss of respect"

I think with all the excuses, reasoning and blaming, at the end of the day, the above proverb probably sums it all up.

 

[B_Stronzo]

I divorced because it was the fair thing to do for both parties concerned.

 

[helgaleena]

Maybe more clichés / platitudes... BUT something I once read seemed to touch a chord.

"It's not the loss of love that distroys a marriage (/relationship) - but a loss of respect"

I think with all the excuses, reasoning and blaming, at the end of the day, the above proverb probably sums it all up.

I would agree.

 

[D_Tina_Ciao]

I left after 10 years of being hit (to be fair, he loved me but had an abusive father and we didn't know then that most of those who are abused become abusers themselves - he hated it, but there was no help or counseling back then) - God told me (No, I'm not crazy - have heard His voice a few times during crises in my life of trials, also when my mother who had Alzheimer's wandered away to become missing for 14 years - skeletal remains discovered in 2004 the Lord said, "You will never see your mother again on this earth, but do not worry - she is in My Hands". That got me through.) as my first husband had just knocked me across the room and had his hand raised to hit me again (always the flat of his hand, never a fist, and he never brought violence into the bedroom where he was a magnificent lover, 9" by 7"), told me that he would kill me if he continued to hit me.

I left. Should have stayed. Forgave him long ago. Still love him 48 years later.

'Cause after I left him I "settled" for an average man who was a selfish lover so I could have children (have 4, one severely handicapped with Rett Syndrome, and one who's a paranoid schizophrenic, triggered by taking LSD). I never learned to love him but stayed for 31 years until God, yep, again - I'm the most dependable, stable person you ever met - have just always had a relationship with God since I fell out of a 3rd story window as a toddler and survived - anyway, it was revealed that the second husband was "the wrong man for you." and then, that the first was "the right man for you, your true mate."

So I left again. Thank God! I was not myself with the second (faithful to both, the first for 10 years, the second for 31 years, and am still celibate after 4 1/2 years - the last time I had sex was with my second husband - poo, if you could even call it sex!) Second only had 5 minute sex for him to cum in me for over 30 years, didn't worry about pleasing me or giving me an orgasm, never asked if I were okay or happy. Nothing.

When I went back to the first - the magic was still there, strong chemistry, and he's never remarried. He's now a Christian pastor (making up for the past?) just all screwed up in false doctrine (Deut.24:1-4) and thinks to take me back "would defile the earth" - God will have to sort this out - no other hope for it. I'm waiting.

So that's my story - lots of other trials interspersed in there.
Weary of the "Job" gig - ready for a few blessings. I need to be loved and to love.

Sometimes it's challenging to keep a stiff upper lip. lol!

 

[helgaleena]

Should not! Do not doubt the voice of God.

 

[D_Tina_Ciao]

Well, He sent me back to the first only to be rejected, and I've been waiting for 4 1/2 years! I realize that the first time, I may have been killed if I'd stayed, but I'd rather have been killed than to be without him - he's the one true love of my life, my soul mate. I miss him every day and night, am madly and passionately in love after all these years, have never met his match, and KNOW God sent me back to him.

But waiting is burdensome, when I need to be held, cuddled, need affection and touching, as well as good raunchy, passionate sex - I need to be f****d and I know it but I don't want it from anyone but him............so, I wait. And ask, "How long, Lord? When will you remember me? YOU said he's the right man for me!" And smile through my tears.

Sometimes, it's difficult alone with so many responsibilities (I take care of my RS adult daughter who is in diapers, on a bottle, and needs total care.) Trying my best to stay positive and walk by faith, not sight........

Divorce always leaves wounds.