Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ssa5522, Jun 12, 2011.

  1. ssa5522

    ssa5522 New Member

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    Hey everyone! I found this story and thought it was funny. I guess there are many gay-haters that are actually like this deep inside...


    Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

    Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

    Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

    I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

    Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

    What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

    Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

    I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

    It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife–even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

    Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

    I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

    I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures–like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

    from theonion.com

    What do you think of people like this???!
     
  2. DrCalvin

    DrCalvin New Member

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    lol i should try that sometime
     
  3. ssa5522

    ssa5522 New Member

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    Just one more thing... I loved the FANTASTIC BOOTS part! lol.
     
  4. willow78

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  5. rainbowknight

    rainbowknight New Member

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    From a literary stand point this is satire.

    From a psychological standpoint he is closeted or bi because he keeps letting the gays suck his dick. He didn’t say he was raped and you cannot rape the willing.

    No homo! Only because I am a fag!!!
     
  6. jimcord

    jimcord Member

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    No publication makes me laugh harder than some of the crazy things TheOnion writers come up with!! That was awesome was laughing out loud while I red it. Thanks for posting it.
     
  7. House21

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    from theonion.com

    Asked and answered
     
  8. TomCat84

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    The Onion nails it again.
     
  9. dolfette

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    i laughed my pert little arse orf!
     
  10. readytocum

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    great story, would trade place with that guy, lol
     
  11. AM_092

    AM_092 Guest

  12. gaygent

    gaygent Member

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    First time I have seen this and it is so funny. However, it could have been written by (who knows how many) men who are linked to this site!!!!!
     
  13. crescendo69

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    I used to have the same problem, but finally the homos stopped sucking me and started fucking me instead. What a relief!
     
  14. AlteredEgo

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    I saw this Onion article linked here three years ago. That was BEFORE the TOS had some kind of rule about posting whole articles here. Someone holds a copyright on that material, and so the site owner and administrators frown on reproducing it in its entirety here. Just so you know.
     
  15. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    I know, right? Me too. That shit was gettin' old.
     
  16. D_Roland_D_Hay

    D_Roland_D_Hay Account Disabled

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    The gays I can understand but it is the "straights" who want to suck my dick that confuse me.
     
  17. umami_tsunami

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    Hysterical Stuff! All he has to do on LPSG is change his percentage from 99/1 to 90/10!
     
  18. Gecko4lif

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    Damn that was funny
     
  19. airc3

    airc3 New Member

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    This is one of the best things I've read in a long time
     
  20. helgaleena

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    This has been around for so many years and sadly the Onion has been sold to a big newspaper conglomerate now that will force the writers to come up with increasingly lame new stuff.

    Long live the original Onion. Like SNL, it lingers in less potent form.
     
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