Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Lex, Feb 1, 2008.

  1. Lex

    Lex
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    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Snoozan's thread went over the heads of MANY.

    Here is a Classic from The Onion:

    Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?


    By Bruce Heffernan
    October 28, 1998 |


    Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

    Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.

    Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."
    I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I've got a real problem.

    Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know it, he's sucking my cock!

    What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to target normal people like me?

    Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there was nothing I could do to stop them.

    I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?

    It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I enjoy with my wife–even some that haven't actually happened, like the sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

    Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I'm just angry and sickened. But believe me, that's enough. I don't know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.

    I've tried all sorts of things to get them to stop, but it has all been to no avail. A few months back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off, but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, neck, chest and hair seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to these swishes?

    I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures–like maybe pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I mean, you can't get much more direct than that.
     
  2. Bbucko

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    This, along with Fuck The South, has been in my bookmark list forever. It's vastly amusing.
     
  3. snoozan

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    Hehehehehe...

    I was thinking of that when I wrote my thread. Classic.
     
  4. hotbtminla

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  5. DC_DEEP

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    I used to read The Onion, but it always makes me cry.
     
  6. jock9incher18

    jock9incher18 New Member

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  7. B_VinylBoy

    B_VinylBoy New Member

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    One of the funniest Onion articles of all time.
    I'm also a big fan of "Christ Converts To Islam" and the Wheel Of Fortune article where they announce they're going to start using slang in their puzzles.
     
  8. garyemenson

    garyemenson Member

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    I actually don't get it...is this a joke? or is this actually submitted by this Bruce person..... I'm sorry if I seem stupid or ignorant, I have never read these types of articles...but crazy all in the same sense.
     
  9. Drifterwood

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    Homos suck cock :eek: Yuk - that's the last time I let them fuck my ass.
     
  10. Not_Punny

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    LOL


    The Onion is a a satire publication, start to finish.
     
  11. Quite Irate

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    The onion definitely has the best publicity. Their advertising tagline for Onion T.V. was, "You'll never read again."
     
  12. rob_just_rob

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    This thread should be included in any promotional materials that come with a gym membership.
     
  13. Principessa

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    :tongue::biggrin1::wink::rolleyes::smile::cool:
     
  14. shinato

    shinato New Member

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    is it wrong that this turned me on?
     
  15. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Geez,this sounds vaguely like athread I just read.
    Is this the same author?
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
  16. B_becominghorse

    B_becominghorse New Member

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    I thought it was hot, too, gave me visions of guys sucking each other off right on the street, with other people just going about their business. I wish life was like that anyway, and I always wish I could just pull it out and jack off in public parks. It just won't work with the law, though. So I do the 'pocket trick' and play with the precum with my dick poked out through the pocket hole, and you can do this almost anywhere, except at theaters if there are people next to you.
     
  17. DC_DEEP

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    Hey, Lex:

    OMFG, Heather!
     
  18. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

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    that is hysterical - I have copied and pasted that to keep for all time!

    Thanks for bringing it to my attention, Lex! :)
     
  19. Satsfakshun

    Satsfakshun Member

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    There's a guy in my close knit circle of friends who can be a little homophobic at times. He's also considered by most to be a real closet case. One of his annoying habits is e-mailing Onion articles around and mentioning one of us in particular as though he's saying the article refers to something in our lives in a backhanded kind of way. Of course, he never admits he's doing this, just that he thought the article was "funny."

    Anyways, a couple years ago I came across this article and e-mailed it around to everyone, including him. The excrement really hit the environmental control unit on that one. Everyone thought it was funny, except for him. His opinion was that it was perverted, sickening, completely unreadible, beneath The Onion and probably pornographic to the point that it required a warning before opening. He stated, too strongly for some, that he did not intend to read the entire thing and would appreciate not receiving such filth in the future if that's the kind of thing I thought was funny.
     
  20. Hellboy0

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    Mission accomplished!!!

    That was funny! Just wish finding someone's cock to suck really was that easy! :biggrin1:
     
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