I think it's really strange and wrong how a lot of gay men like to still be friends with their ex-boyfriends, and have them in their lives. When you break up with someone they should be immediately gone out of your life, not be friends with them, ans still talk to them. I've noticed more gay men like to have their ex's in their life more than straight men do. If I'm dating a guy then all of his ex-boyfriends, and anyone he's had sex with before has to go.
Why do gay men like to be friends with their ex-boyfriends, and keep them in their lives?
- Thread starter neogaf1000
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sykray
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My experience is one where there have been no acrimonious bust ups. One of my boyfriends moved to do his PhD and we stayed in touch but couldn't easily maintain the distant relationship. He found another committed partnership. In another case. I moved to a higher professional post and again my boyfriend couldn't move with me and we finally agreed to be friends rather than lovers. Another was a bisexual doctor who moved to another city and it was difficult to meet at weekends - distance, his on-call rota didn't match mine, etc. He told me that he'd been dating a female doctor at the same hospital and suggested that we ended our sexual relationship and just be friends. They married, had kids but finally separated 20 years later. Finally, my last partner moved away to take up an internship as I was about to change jobs to an even further city. While we were apart, I said that he could have sex with other men. By the time his internship ended and he was able to move to live with me again, he had formed a committed relationship with a guy whom he eventually married and they have been together for more than 25 years.
Why should I stop seeing or contacting these lovely men, whom I still love and they still love me, whose partners/husbands/wives have a good relationship with me? They and their partners are very good friends to me and we simply have ceased to have sex with each other.
I really don't see the drama.
Have I been sad, hurt or disappointed - even angry with circumstances - when our relationships have changed or the sexual commitment ended? Of course. However, I have been a grown man in all these years and through all these loving relationships. I do not own another person. No one has stolen them from me. They haven't rejected me. They haven't deliberately hurt me or I haven't rejected or deliberately hurt them. All I have "lost" is the sexual component of my relationships with them. We are friends and "brothers" not enemies.
Why should I stop seeing or contacting these lovely men, whom I still love and they still love me, whose partners/husbands/wives have a good relationship with me? They and their partners are very good friends to me and we simply have ceased to have sex with each other.
I really don't see the drama.
Have I been sad, hurt or disappointed - even angry with circumstances - when our relationships have changed or the sexual commitment ended? Of course. However, I have been a grown man in all these years and through all these loving relationships. I do not own another person. No one has stolen them from me. They haven't rejected me. They haven't deliberately hurt me or I haven't rejected or deliberately hurt them. All I have "lost" is the sexual component of my relationships with them. We are friends and "brothers" not enemies.
But when you enter a new relationship, all of those ex-boyfriends have to go, Being in a relationship, and still talking to your ex-boyfriends is very bizarre,strange and wrong.
I don't think you can have a blanket rule.
Not all relationships end badly. Some just end because the two people just have different directions they want to go in.
My BF is still friends with 2 of his ex's. Both of them came on holiday with us once. Yes it felt weird that everyone in the room had had sex with my BF but I think if you feel secure in your relationship then you can look past it.
Not all relationships end badly. Some just end because the two people just have different directions they want to go in.
My BF is still friends with 2 of his ex's. Both of them came on holiday with us once. Yes it felt weird that everyone in the room had had sex with my BF but I think if you feel secure in your relationship then you can look past it.
Life's broom does not sweep clean. I have a lot of guys in my life that I had sex with and some I had relationships with. What role or how much they will be in my life depends on how we parted. Most of my breakups were friendly - one was real bitter but eventually we found ways to be friendly. Past relationships are only a problem if you let them become a problem. It took me a while to learn that life works best when it is not a series of absolutes. Things happen you adjust, and move on.
Nope, it's still wrong, and abnormal to have your ex's in your life when you are in a relationship. Gay men seem to think this is normal, but it's wrong all the way. I know gay men have weird relationships, but having your ex's as friends is wrong, and bizarre, and makes Gay men seem less normal than straight guys. You don't see straight people having their ex's in their lives, because they know it's not normal to be friends with your ex while still in a relationship.
You keep saying it's wrong but you don't say why you think it's wrong.
I'm not saying everyone should keep in touch with all of their ex partners but I don't see what's abnormal about it considering the reason why they had been a couple in the past was the fact that they saw things they liked in the other person.
Lots of straight people still keep their ex in their life. Especially if they have kids.
Ex's having kids is a different story. Being friends with ex's is something gay guys like to do. If you don't have kids with them then they shouldn't be in your life at all. I'm talking to gay men, because they like to do this.
Well, you are entitled to your beliefs but from my point of view, there are no absolutes in life and it is too short to create boundaries purely for the sake of having one.
Yeah, you're the one that keeps posting bigoted threads with no logical argument yet I am the weirdo..... go figure.
Anyone who thinks it's fine to be friends with their ex's is not a normal person.
No offense, but your approach smacks of paranoia and a controlling nature. In my experience, bad breakups are not uncommon, but if someone takes on a "scorched earth" policy towards ALL their exes, it tells you a lot about them and how badly they manage relationships to the point that friendship post-breakup is impossible. And if a new partner wants you to cut out people from your life and past, that's more like the behavior of a cult leader than a caring partner. Personally, I have great friendships with several of my exes and they've become great friends of my current partner. If you're dating good people, and you're a good person, it's natural to keep those good people in your life if feelings have healed and everyone is in a good place.
This letter to Dan Savage encapsulates some things pretty well, I think:
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/08/13/sl-letter-of-the-day-exing-out-exes
Being good friends with your ex's in a relationship is bizarre, wrong, and shouldn't be tolerated. If you're in a relationship then anyone who you've had sex with should be disconnected from your life, it doesn't matter if they're good people or not.
When that happens, I'm done! No more wasting time, or energy. They no longer exist for me, it's that simple.
So if you're boyfriend told you to drop you're ex's out of your life or it's over, would you do it?
That's your opinion, not a fact.
You sound exactly like a religious zealot telling people how they should live their lives. Why don't you try focusing on what's right for you and not declaring your opinions as incontrovertible facts and then going into looneyland and saying those who don't follow your opinion shouldn't be tolerated. Or you should try being gay in a place like Saudi Arabia and see how it feels to be on the receiving end of such stupidity. Time for you to grow up.
It sounds like you have a large insecurity around competition from your parnters' exes. Either that, or you have totally bought into the heteronormative model of relationships where men and women can't simply be friends, so being friends with your ex never happens. Well, plenty of us get along fine with people even if they used to fuck our boyfriends, and don't give a crap what you think. But, since you seem to be in some distress over this matter, maybe I can help you see things more clearly.
When you are in a small minority, just a few percent of the overall population, the community you inhabit is small and highly connected. Gay men make up around 2-5 percent of the population, so we have small, well-connected communities. Sometimes it seems like everyone knows everyone, everyone's dated everyone. We date gay men, and are friends with gay men - often the same men! If I had to stop being friends with everyone I once had sex with anytime I was dating someone, I wouldn't have a life outside my relationship.
Also, a real friendship is a rare and valuable thing, and can often last much longer than the time spent dating someone. I went on a couple dates with a guy when we were young - we messed around, then decided we should just be friends. In the 20-some years since then we've stayed close friends and he's been with me through many boyfriends. If I'd kicked him out of my life the next time I dated someone, I would have lost the best friend I ever had. You may think that is unnatural and that makes me weird, but I think it's really sad that you would end a friendship for such a stupid reason.
When you are in a small minority, just a few percent of the overall population, the community you inhabit is small and highly connected. Gay men make up around 2-5 percent of the population, so we have small, well-connected communities. Sometimes it seems like everyone knows everyone, everyone's dated everyone. We date gay men, and are friends with gay men - often the same men! If I had to stop being friends with everyone I once had sex with anytime I was dating someone, I wouldn't have a life outside my relationship.
Also, a real friendship is a rare and valuable thing, and can often last much longer than the time spent dating someone. I went on a couple dates with a guy when we were young - we messed around, then decided we should just be friends. In the 20-some years since then we've stayed close friends and he's been with me through many boyfriends. If I'd kicked him out of my life the next time I dated someone, I would have lost the best friend I ever had. You may think that is unnatural and that makes me weird, but I think it's really sad that you would end a friendship for such a stupid reason.
It's not a stupid reason , it's the right reason, this is the reason why most gay men are more weird than straight men, they date, and become friends with the same guy. The gay community does not have normal people, and what you just said proves that.
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