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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dolfette, Dec 29, 2011.
instead of the cheating spouse?
why do people fight to get their cheating spouse back?
I've wondered the same thing. It has to be cultural. It seems to be more common with cheating men than cheating women.
I was cheated on. I blamed him.
I still loved him, though. Love doesn't abruptly end, no matter how much you want it to so that your heart will stop breaking.
I eventually took him back.
I have often wondered too. I think the cheater realizes that they no longer have stability or control so to gain it back they fight for what they had. I also think that they realize that they had something better than the fling.
I was always told it takes two....
I never understood why "the other person" seems to end up being blamed.
I don't believe you can seduce someone who doesn't want to be seduced.
because of the anger of someone else taking away your partner. also there is usually no emotional connection to the person your partner cheated with so it is easy to "hate" that person.
This is how I feel.
Furthermore, I feel that the 'other person' has no obligation to the cheated on person (unless they were their best friend or something) so they have done nothing wrong.
I speak from experience i have been the other man more times than i can count.
even when the wife knows it is still easier to blame the other man because you do not know them
I've been the outside party in this scenario, it's easier to blame someone else than to take any responsibility for the reason(s) your partner strayed in the first place. Why people fight to get back a cheating spouse are probably as varied and special to the individual as snowflakes; but in our story the wife wanted to keep up the appearance and the trappings of her affluent lifestyle. I was happy to loose this fight; I have my own money and life and not slinking around with a married man gave me a chance to get back to it.
There's enough blame to go around. The one doing the cheating is probably leading the secret lover into believing something permanent is going to come of it. The secret lover knows he/she is contributing to the ruination of a relationship. In most cases, nothing good comes of it.
in reality, the other guy (or girl) may not even know your spouse was in a relationship, so in those circumstances the blame lies on the spouse completely. although, in those affairs where the other person is aware deserve equal distribution of blame. however, the only person to deal with would be the spouse. they are the only one you've any direct social contract with, therefore hold priority.
yet and still, i think it's obvious why people blame the other person. if you have feelings for the person you're in a relationship with, then it is easier to give them a pass because you've rapport with spouse. meanwhile, the other has broached the territory you've claimed. that is your wo/man, and invading such a space would be classified as an intrusion, leading most men (and women too) to see them as the enemy.
its hard for people to process that maybe their significant over didn't find hurting them significant enough to not proceed with an affair.
I think I would blame them both to some extent, but I would definitely put more blame on the cheating spouse and not the person they were cheating with.
Someone can try and coerce/seduce/whatever someone as much as they like but it's up to them to actually go through with it or not. Nothing is forcing them to to cheat. If they did it, it is because they wanted to.
Yep, basically what I was trying to say! :tongue:
I am so sick of girls/women saying that they were drunk or don't know why they did it. My favourite line is "He kissed me but I didn't kiss back".
It takes two people to cheat. Frankly if the guy she cheats on me with is single, he is in his right if she is willing but I will still be very pissed off and rage on him but I primarily blame the woman. She cheated, she betrayed me as far as I see it. I can never get over it when it happens, frankly I never trust them again.
I too agree with Fancy.
It IS easier to blame the one you don't know, call them a homewrecker, etc. than to face the facts that the person you're with is either unhappy, a dog, or all three.
However, I believe it does take two to tango. If the other person knew that your parther was in a relationship/married or whatever, they DO take some of the blame. It's not cool to facilitate cheating and infidelity. A person has to own up to the fact that their actions will cause people hurt.
That being said, the person doing the cheating is the one who should get the lion's share of the blame for it. They know they're involved with someone, and if they're unhappy, then they should either deal with it, find a way to get the happiness back, or just end it.
I missed the second part of the OP post. I think the reason we, against all logic and reason, go back to a cheating spouse or fight for THEM back is two-fold.
I believe it is a lack of willingness to accept that the cheated are not good enough to keep them happy or a desire to get them back out of pride and need. This may be again against all logic but still, it relates to what I believe is the second issue.
Fear of being alone.
That is what it has been for me recently.
This. While I have a complete lack of respect for someone who chooses to cheat instead of going to their partner and saying "there's been this ongoing problem in our relationship, and if it doesn't change, I'm leaving", and then follows through if it doesn't, the blame that the person being cheated on gets is often squarely in the right place. It astounds me how some men or women neglect or abuse their partners over an extended period of time, in the face of ample warning signs from their partner, and then act like the wounded party when that person has finally had all they can take and seeks solace or love or attention from another individual.
The reason people try to get the cheating spouse back varies highly - from genuine remorse, to wounded ego over being left, to fear and insecurity over being alone, to emotional or financial dependence on the other person, to the potential of large financial exposure if the other person leaves. It's amazing how many people are willing to accept the security and familiarity of even a bad relationship over none at all.
Because if it weren't for the other person, they would have never done it!
Wow, there's all this harsh judgment and so many insults for anyone who takes back a cheater...
There's also love and a real connection with that person. It's been over half my life since I was cheated on now, about twenty years ago, and I say this with the full weight of my lifetime of being in relationships and dating and falling in love and having had sex with more men than most women will in their lifetime, that he and I really did have something unique and special and almost impossible to find. We got back together again and had five more years together and I wish we had more. He's one of the great regrets I have in my life because I wish I had not broken up with him and we had more time together, yet you all are telling me that I shouldn't have had those years with him because he had been unfaithful and the only reason why I took him back was because I had to have been weak or had a wounded ego or feeling guilty because I was at fault for his cheating? That's beyond cynical.
Does no one believe in LOVE? Or that he might be genuinely remorseful for having made a mistake? Or forgiveness?
Are all of you robots?
Because you don't want to admit that you weren't all that they wanted/needed. It was that other person tempting them. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. Never mind the fact that you need to wash your ass.
All designed to test a Humans strength & character i believe.
depending on what stage of life your at, as to how well its handled by all, usually 3 persons only
That in itself should not be a major barrier for persons to resolve any dramas
However it is always a problem with us all, no doubt about that.