why do people so often blame the other woman/man

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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Wow, there's all this harsh judgment and so many insults for anyone who takes back a cheater...

There's also love and a real connection with that person. It's been over half my life since I was cheated on now, about twenty years ago, and I say this with the full weight of my lifetime of being in relationships and dating and falling in love and having had sex with more men than most women will in their lifetime, that he and I really did have something unique and special and almost impossible to find. We got back together again and had five more years together and I wish we had more. He's one of the great regrets I have in my life because I wish I had not broken up with him and we had more time together, yet you all are telling me that I shouldn't have had those years with him because he had been unfaithful and the only reason why I took him back was because I had to have been weak or had a wounded ego or feeling guilty because I was at fault for his cheating? That's beyond cynical.

Does no one believe in LOVE? Or that he might be genuinely remorseful for having made a mistake? Or forgiveness?

Are all of you robots?


I agree with you petite. I believe that if I cheated on my husband, he'd take me back... and vice versa. I believe we are all human, we all make mistakes and sometimes our judgement is very poor. So yes, I believe in remorse and forgiveness.

But if it continued and there became a pattern of cheating then the walls of trust would crumble. I would still love him, no doubt. Trust CAN be rebuilt, but the more it is tampered with, the harder it is to rebuild it. When trust is totally gone, it is much harder to love.

I don't believe that every person that cheats is driven to cheat by their mate or partner. I do believe SOMETIMES there is a lack of communication and therein lies the problem. But other times, it may simply be a part of the person's character. There are a multitude of reasons why a person cheats (like NY said... as varied as the snowflakes.)

I still stick by my original (though short) answer. But there are always "exceptions" and "points of clarification."
 

D_Alec_Baldtwins

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People make mistakes. To totally throw away something for a mistake, is a total waste. If you really love the person, it's worth working through it!

I agree that an affair can be a wake-up call and a learning experience, and that a couple can get past it and go on to have a successful, loving, and possibly even stronger relationship. I'm loathe to dismiss cheating as a "mistake", though. At least call it what it is. Although there are many reasons for cheating and ways of doing so, they nearly all require deliberate and specific acts that are frequently sustained over an extended period of time.
 

petite

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There's a lot of different kinds of cheating, but not all of them involve hiding and premeditation or doing it over and over again. There's the "oh fuck what did I do last night I'm so sorry" kind of cheating, too.

For example, someone could just get really drunk at a party and do something that he or she regrets. We hear that story on LPSG all the time, especially with young people who are still in that binge drinking stage of their lives, when they overindulge to excess by accident very easily. I think that one might be able to forgive someone for doing something stupid while their judgment is literally chemically impaired. Typical remorseful acts would be to stop getting drunk at parties.
 
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D_Alec_Baldtwins

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There's a lot of different kinds of cheating, but not all of them involve hiding and premeditation or doing it over and over again. There's the "oh fuck what did I do last night I'm so sorry" kind of cheating, too.

For example, someone could just get really drunk at a party and do something that he or she regrets. We hear that story on LPSG all the time, especially with young people who are still in that binge drinking stage of their lives, when they overindulge to excess by accident very easily. I think that one might be able to forgive someone for doing something stupid while their judgment is literally chemically impaired. Typical remorseful acts would be to stop getting drunk at parties.

Well, this really comes down to what you're willing to accept from a partner as a "mistake", and to be sure, or maybe I should say "hopefully", those standards will become increasingly more stringent as a person matures. A choice one way or the other doesn't make me right and you wrong. For myself, I simply wouldn't accept the scenario you describe as a mistake. It is very clearly, and as you later allude to, a lapse in judgment. No small number of them, in fact.

A mistake is when you grab skim milk instead of whole; it isn't the sequence of bad decisions that causes a partner (who ostensibly loves and cares about you?) to wind up at a party, having too many drinks, and then having sex with another person. That's not only repeated bad judgment but weakness, self-indulgence, a lack of ethics, and if you're the religious type, morality as well. At least at my age, the odds of winding up in a relationship with a person like this is very small, and the odds of my staying in one is zero. The binge drinking isn't a mitigator to me, it's an additional problem and reason not to be in a relationship with someone. The fact that a lot of kids (and some grownups) do it as well doesn't cut any ice with me.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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instead of the cheating spouse?

why do people fight to get their cheating spouse back?

Ugh, good question! I have no idea, so I'd love to hear some thoughts on this one. My only thought is, loneliness. Maybe that has something to do with taking them back, but the blaming the other woman/man? Bizarre. I can't get that one at all.

For me, sleeping around while pretending to be in a monogamous relationship is a deal breaker. I don't even have to 'catch them' in the act. If I get that oh-so not right vibe? I confront them, then hit it soon after. I've never thought it was anyone's fault but the guy. And usually, if I'm completely honest? There are signs of a cheater in his/her personality. I think so anyway....but maybe not. *shrugs*

Great topic Dolfette.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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Wow, there's all this harsh judgment and so many insults for anyone who takes back a cheater...

There's also love and a real connection with that person. It's been over half my life since I was cheated on now, about twenty years ago, and I say this with the full weight of my lifetime of being in relationships and dating and falling in love and having had sex with more men than most women will in their lifetime, that he and I really did have something unique and special and almost impossible to find. We got back together again and had five more years together and I wish we had more. He's one of the great regrets I have in my life because I wish I had not broken up with him and we had more time together, yet you all are telling me that I shouldn't have had those years with him because he had been unfaithful and the only reason why I took him back was because I had to have been weak or had a wounded ego or feeling guilty because I was at fault for his cheating? That's beyond cynical.

Does no one believe in LOVE? Or that he might be genuinely remorseful for having made a mistake? Or forgiveness?

Are all of you robots?

Petite, I can only speak for myself, so here goes. Nah, I don't think you had to be weak, feeling guilty or have a wounded ego to take someone back...I think some people think those are some of the reasons for taking a person back -- but none of us have been in your shoes, so how can we possibly now what heartache felt like for you or how you and he resolved your hurts?

I also think people make mistakes and can feel horrible about hurting another if they are unfaithful. For me, I took the question as generic without the human quality you brought to it and answered in a vague way. But I've been cheated on. I shut down when it happened and shut him out. There was more going on, so for me, it was much easier to do that, if I'm honest. If it had just been a "one time only I made a mistake thing?" Who knows, but for me it was me sitting at home waiting for him and him out drinking and having sex with other women he was pursuing. I was way too young to be in a relationship, and hindsight is so clear, isn't it? But I thought I loved him. Thought being the key word. But even if I had, his actions made it clear he didn't respect me, let alone love me. So, I think the answer to why people cheat/why people take them back isn't an easy peasy question, no clear cut response is really available -- like with most issues surrounding sex and love the answers will all be colored by our own lives and loves.
 

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This. While I have a complete lack of respect for someone who chooses to cheat instead of going to their partner and saying "there's been this ongoing problem in our relationship, and if it doesn't change, I'm leaving", and then follows through if it doesn't, the blame that the person being cheated on gets is often squarely in the right place. It astounds me how some men or women neglect or abuse their partners over an extended period of time, in the face of ample warning signs from their partner, and then act like the wounded party when that person has finally had all they can take and seeks solace or love or attention from another individual.

The reason people try to get the cheating spouse back varies highly - from genuine remorse, to wounded ego over being left, to fear and insecurity over being alone, to emotional or financial dependence on the other person, to the potential of large financial exposure if the other person leaves. It's amazing how many people are willing to accept the security and familiarity of even a bad relationship over none at all.

I think the latter paragraph is judgemental. Clearly, taking a cheater back could spell the continuation of a bad relationship, but if the two deal with the problem and try to work through the issues which bore the reasoning behind cheating then it wouldnt be the case. There are numerous examples Ive observed of such a transformation, but it requires work some people dont care to deal with, for the very same reason some cheat: laziness. Its easier to act out then just tell your partner what is fucking you up. Especially since a lot of people dont know why and/or how they feel about what is corroding their devotion to the spouse.

Also, there are times when cheating isnt done out of relationship troubles, but general lack of interest in being tied down to one individual. There are people out there who just cant help to cheat. And, unfortunately, they arent few and far inbetween from what statistic denote. They fuck other people simply because they can.

Well, this really comes down to what you're willing to accept from a partner as a "mistake", and to be sure, or maybe I should say "hopefully", those standards will become increasingly more stringent as a person matures. A choice one way or the other doesn't make me right and you wrong. For myself, I simply wouldn't accept the scenario you describe as a mistake. It is very clearly, and as you later allude to, a lapse in judgment. No small number of them, in fact.

A mistake is when you grab skim milk instead of whole; it isn't the sequence of bad decisions that causes a partner (who ostensibly loves and cares about you?) to wind up at a party, having too many drinks, and then having sex with another person. That's not only repeated bad judgment but weakness, self-indulgence, a lack of ethics, and if you're the religious type, morality as well. At least at my age, the odds of winding up in a relationship with a person like this is very small, and the odds of my staying in one is zero. The binge drinking isn't a mitigator to me, it's an additional problem and reason not to be in a relationship with someone. The fact that a lot of kids (and some grownups) do it as well doesn't cut any ice with me.

Dude, what? Now, i know these are your standards. They seem to be doing fine for you, but if you consider going out to a party and drinking too much a lack of bad judgement, then you've forgotten the some of the importance of youth. Or better yet fun. People are going to go out. People are going to drink a lil too much at times. Kids drink. Kids go and have fun. Are you seriously stand by the idea that going to parties when in a relationship is an act of weakness and self-indulgence? One too many drinks and the person is classified as weak? Man, talk about jumping to conclusion. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe you are simply painting the immorality with a wide brush because of the subject matter. Well, simply for the purposes of accuracy, try to seperate cheating from all the fun at parties. A party isnt a great excuse cheating, but there is no need to excuse your actions for wanting to party once in a while.

Were talking about kids who havent been drinking for years and dont know their threshold, nor fully grasp the gravity of their judgementals. Furthermore, what is implied by such judgements is a predominate amount of extraverted, occassional partygoing couples (whether cheating or not) involve weak individuals whom are self-indulgent, in spite their actions which may partake on subsequent Monday. These same weak individuals may be working in a different country, buillding households as volunteers or went out because to avoid the grieving their grandmother's death. People whom party & drink are as various as the bottles of liquor on the shelves throughout the world.

See, I can understand looking down on cheating across the board, but damning all aspects of fun makes you sound like an old grumpy man. Im not telling anybody to give the kids a pass, but give fun a pass. If youre questioning your relationship because your significant other went out and had some drinks then I dont know who would want to be with an overbearing, controlling asshole like that. If they cheat when theyre out - then we can talk about questioning and judgement, but in the meantime I'd leave the judgement calls up to the referees.
 
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D_Alec_Baldtwins

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I think the latter paragraph is judgemental. Clearly, taking a cheater back could spell the continuation of a bad relationship, but if the two deal with the problem and try to work through the issues which bore the reasoning behind cheating.

Also, there are times when cheating isnt done out of relationship troubles, but general lack of interest in being tied down to one individual. There are people out there who just cant help to cheat. And, unfortunately, they arent few and far inbetween from what statistic denote.

I fail to see how a short list of possible reasons for a partner taking a cheating partner back is judgmental. I didn't expand on the subject simply because I don't find it interesting.

For the record, though, I am an extremely judgmental person. I don't know when it is that having high standards became such a terrible thing. I don't deny the right of anyone to live their life the way they want and without interference. However, if you're someone who's in my life and you cheat, lie, steal, abuse, can't control your use of alcohol or drugs, etc., I will have something to say about it, and will in all likelihood kick you to the curb. And I don't care about your bullshit excuses. I'm always amazed at things people will tolerate - the drama, disruption, abuse, financial exposure, etc., in the name of "love".
 

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You know the "latter paragraph "refers to the part you talk about how you feel about people taking cheaters back, right? I dont have any glaring issues with the listing.

I agree that an affair can be a wake-up call and a learning experience, and that a couple can get past it and go on to have a successful, loving, and possibly even stronger relationship. I'm loathe to dismiss cheating as a "mistake", though. At least call it what it is. Although there are many reasons for cheating and ways of doing so, they nearly all require deliberate and specific acts that are frequently sustained over an extended period of time.

After reading further exaplanations by you, I can now consider your original statement on the subject of "taking a cheater back" I replied to more reasonable. As long as you recognize in all instances the act shouldnt be the deal-breaker. Humans can be stupid. When a spouse breaks the promise of monogomy, I dont consider the act a mistake neither. However, what I was confused about was how you could say taking anybody back was a mostly a matter of bad judgement.
 
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august86

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The topic of cheating is always a facinating one, with its plethora of variables.

I tend to agree with Fancy and others on the fact that unless the other party was totally unaware of the cheater being in a relationship, equal blame should be cast on both.
The cheated on spouse, especially when female, tends to blame the other woman because of an expected 'loyalty' between women to leave each other's men alone, and therefore feel much more disgust, betrayal and resentment for the other woman. -one could say those feelings are misguided, but then would fall victim to alledging that women have no loyalty to one another.

Back to the topic, the reasons why the cheated on spouse would want to stay in the relationship, do depend on the individual.
Some just cannot forgive and forget, the reasons for which vary from past hurt to personal choice.
The level of self-doubt that goes through a person's mind cannot be fathomed by those who've never experienced it. A common question that runs through one's mind would be: why wasn't I enough for him/her?

Many feel they've given so much of their lives and energy to a relationship that they: can't handle being single and out there again, can't bear to feel like a failure, or genuinely believe that such behaviour was momentary and shan't happen again.

Whatever the reasons, it's never good to judge or make someone feel guilty for going back to the relationship. However, if they do decide this, it's imperative that they have a long, serious evaluation and discussion of what they need in order to attempt regaining trust.
The worst mistake people make, and very often the reason the person cheats again, is because things just carry on as they were, or go back to normal. Normal clearly wasn't working, and therefore a way forward should be established with restrictions.

What would I do? Well, I could say that I would never be in such a situation, but that would be presumptive and statistically unlikely. In my present demeanour, I would probably not carry-on with the relationship, but then again I'm not in one, so it's easy to say that without the emotional involvement.

My best advice is to do what's best for you and remember that both decisions have consequences.
 

rob_just_rob

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Because that allows them to rationalize that their partner still loves them.

Because it infantilizes/discounts their partner as a thinking adult.

Because they think that the other person is the variable inserted into a stable system.
 

D_Alec_Baldtwins

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However, what I was confused about was how you could say taking anybody back was a mostly a matter of bad judgement.

No, the bad judgment was intended to apply to the specific case that was being discussed of spouses or other committed partners who wind up going to parties, binge drinking, and cheating. Taking a cheating partner back is not inherently indicative of bad judgment. There are many forms of cheating and reasons why it happens, including, as I stated previously, some where the partner who was cheated on needs to take a hard look at their own behavior in the relationship.

I'm perfectly fine being labeled an old fart or a fuddy-duddy. As said, people have the freedom to behave in any way they wish; they simply don't have the right to exhibit certain types of behavior and be a part of my life. The choice is entirely theirs, but I'm not going to compromise my values. It's the place I've come to so that I can be at peace with myself and the world. I'm not against people having fun. I'm not against responsible drinking. I'm not against getting drunk sometimes. I'm not even against the responsible use of pot and other drugs, which I've done myself in years past. But I'm not going excuse getting high and then cheating as "a mistake". At least own your decisions and your behavior.

What does love buy someone who's in my life? This: "I'm starting to get a little concerned about how often and how much you're drinking. I'm concerned about what it's doing or has the potential to do to you and to our relationship. I'd like to talk about this."
 

rob_just_rob

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People are the product of their experiences. If someone has been hurt by a cheating partner, or regretted taking back a cheating partner, they're less likely to take a subsequent cheating partner back. It's not always a simple matter of good or bad judgment.
 

helgaleena

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Because that allows them to rationalize that their partner still loves them.

Because it infantilizes/discounts their partner as a thinking adult.

Because they think that the other person is the variable inserted into a stable system.


I must agree with this.

It's illogical, but then as petite put it, 'are you all robots?' Love is not logical always, even when it would be far kinder to be logical.

So many 'if's' could come into play between two people. Especially if there are children involved, an infidelity can be far less important than keeping the parents together, if it can be managed, just to maintain status quo. Maybe one partner has health insurance and the other has none, and a 'pre-existing condition'. Maybe they have been forced to live on separate continents for long periods. One can't judge all possible counter-arguments to the obvious and logical placing of responsibility for a cheater's actions on their inability to keep monogamous.

I took a cheater back once because I was stranded without money in a foreign country and needed to stay with my meal ticket. We broke up back in the States. Cheating is dishonesty, and dishonesty is a red flag, always.
 

Drifterwood

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Cheating is dishonesty, and dishonesty is a red flag, always.

I can't agree with this. I also liked Petite's posts.

It is officially estimated that there is "cheating" in 80% of US relationships, and yet most still just want to look for some moral shortfall in the "cheaters", which by the way is most of you.

I tend to think that there are evolutionary biological and neurological reasons for why we are not monogomous. The cultural morality that created the monogamy expectation is definitely breaking down, and I think it is interesting to find out why rather than to get the stocks out.

Those who wish to be considered on the moral high ground because they adhere to a cultural construct rather than trying to understand true human nature, come across as sanctimonious arses to me.
 

august86

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I can't speak for everyone in this thread, but I have no problem with someone having more than one partner.
However, cheaters use lies and very often, manipulation, as an entry point to secondary relationships. So not wanting a monogamous relationship is really not the question here. If that's what you want, don't decieve people, just let them know that you're not the exclusive type. Give them the choice, without making it for them. I'm sure some wouldn't have a problem with it, and others would.
Excusing cheating behaviour after the fact under the guise of not being able to handle monogamy is unacceptable.
Being a slut (urgh, I mean, having multiple partners) is something that single people do, but most cheaters want to 'try out other restaurants, and then still have their homecooked meal served with a smile when they get home' or rather 'have their cake and eat it too', or is it 'have their bread buttered on both sides', which, if the decision is made unilaterally, is selfish and inconsiderate to the other party in the relationship.
#just saying
 

Drifterwood

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I can't speak for everyone in this thread, but I have no problem with someone having more than one partner.
However, cheaters use lies and very often, manipulation, as an entry point to secondary relationships. So not wanting a monogamous relationship is really not the question here. If that's what you want, don't decieve people, just let them know that you're not the exclusive type. Give them the choice, without making it for them. I'm sure some wouldn't have a problem with it, and others would.

I can't agree with this. I think that most people probably go into more serious mature relationships with the expectation of being monogamous. It then simply doesn't turn out like that, so you can't preempt the situations by discussing it first. "In ten years time when our sex life has become a bit routine, I may be away and get a bit drunk when this hot person may come on to me and I think what the hell, it isn't going to break our relationship and it's only sex." Would it go a bit like that? :smile:

Also, I was referred to a survey in More Magazine, in which over 50% of the ladies admitted to cheating on their partners. Can you guess what percentage said that they would dump a partner if they found them cheating?

99%.

So if you go around saying that you will probably cheat based on current stats, I don't imagine that you will have many relationships. :biggrin1: