Why do we DO This?

[helgaleena]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-why-do-i-do-this.jpg

This illustration represents very succinctly a problem a great many of us have. Part of it is that we have strange ideas of how we appear to others. Aside from videotaping ourselves, how do we get around the tendency to distort what we think of ourselves in a social situation?

I was just at an astrology forum, and the blogger I was reading there of course blamed it on her natal planets, but it's not what causes, but what we can do to fix the bad habit.

You folks who are good at 'chatting', what sort of mental state does one cultivate to produce chitchat without despising the twittery sounds with so little significance?

 

[ArtofDesire]

LOL, how true, how true! I wish I had the answer to your question. I'll watch the thread to see what others have to say.

 

[deleted3782]

Always ask people to talk about themselves, and then listen to what they say. Most people love to talk about themselves.

I've been told that I'm a good chatter in person, I try to treat everyone the same (whether I am familar or not), and I try to listen to what they say and respond with questions. Too many people forget to listen...its becoming a lost art. I also quit name-dropping and trying to be clever and instead be sincere and connect with othr's interests.

It is an interesting phenomenon...someone (maybe Lincoln?) said someting along the lines of "Its easy to judge others, the challenge is seeing how others judge you".

 

[ArtofDesire]

Great post exwhyzee - I totally agree with what you've said. Of course - I see you're from North Carolina (as am I until recently), we Southerners do have good social skills for the most part, don't we?

 

[helgaleena]

Always ask people to talk about themselves, and then listen to what they say. Most people love to talk about themselves.

I've been told that I'm a good chatter in person, I try to treat everyone the same (whether I am familar or not), and I try to listen to what they say and respond with questions. Too many people forget to listen...its becoming a lost art. I also quit name-dropping and trying to be clever and instead be sincere and connect with othr's interests.

It is an interesting phenomenon...someone (maybe Lincoln?) said someting along the lines of "Its easy to judge others, the challenge is seeing how others judge you".

What do you do to stay interested in the inane stuff they are likely to spout? Even the handsome ones? What sort of mindset do you cultivate?

I do realize that if I don't open my mouth much my foot will not go in very easily, which will help me remain in 'pretty listener' frame of mind. But I am blessed/cursed with an inability to keep my facial expression blank. What I think of the speaker is bound to show. How to be charitable???

 

[LaFemme]

I am frequently told that I am extremely socially skilled, which is a good thing as it's a part of my job. I have to develop connections with people very rapidly as well as earn their trust.

I am sincerely interested in what people have to say. I always remember that even people who appear boring or silly have a back story. I focus on listening so my responses become natural. I pay attention to detail and remember it.

It's only if I'm around someone I'm attracted to that I become self-conscious. I become physically clumsy and stumble over words. Fortunately, I'm only attracted to men in my local area about once every 15 years, so I don't look idiotic that often. Unfortunately, I don't get to practice my self-confidence with men I'd like to date.

With all that being said, I think I have had a very poor perception of myself. As a child, I was told how awful I was and grew up thinking all that was true. Now I check my self-perceptions with friends so that I can be more congruent between my inner and outer self.

 

[AM_092]

Fortunately for me, I can't relate to that illustration! ;-)

 

[helgaleena]

AM, I can... and La Femme, it wasn't anyone telling me I was a dork besides myself. I think my own inner critic was the loudest I ever heard. But oy, I had to stop listening... and it's still pretty difficult.

For certain, I must not let Inner Critic drown out what the admired other person is actually saying! Any tips on how to hear better?

 

[deleted3782]

Great post exwhyzee - I totally agree with what you've said. Of course - I see you're from North Carolina (as am I until recently), we Southerners do have good social skills for the most part, don't we?

:biggrin1:

What do you do to stay interested in the inane stuff they are likely to spout? Even the handsome ones? What sort of mindset do you cultivate?

If they were handsome, it would make it A LOT easier, trust me!

I guess I'm just curious about a broad range of topics...but sometimes you can nudge conversation into an area you enjoy talking about by finding commonalities.

 

[LaFemme]

I always listen for the feeling behind the words. Everyone has a passion for something. If you can hear some feeling or passion - dig in that area and that person can go on and on. It might be their dog, golf, horses, their children, grandchildren or whatever. I draw on similarities I have in my life to express I understand. Many times (not all the time) I find things that are truly interesting and revealing about that person.

The thing is, I'm not faking my interest - I really like hearing people talk.

 

[hsarge]

What is the old saying, 'A fool need only open his mouth to prove it.'

 

[D_Asston Kutcher]

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool then open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Don't worry, your post wasn't ironic.

 

[Niiko8]

I've been told I'm a very sociable person, but only when I need to be.
I almost always keep a blank face because, for the most part, I'm not really interested in other people, especially ones my age or younger. It's good for people that just want to get things of their chest, but for people that show some form of interest in me, it's put off.

Oh and I was told something interesting that works. When meeting a new person or going on a date, don't come on too strong but rather more neutral. Especially aimed at those who have strong personalities and such.

 

[B_subgirrl]

http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-why-do-i-do-this.jpg
You folks who are good at 'chatting', what sort of mental state does one cultivate to produce chitchat without despising the twittery sounds with so little significance?

ROFL :biggrin1:. This is exactly what most 'socialising' sounds like to me :biggrin1:.

Apparently I fake it well - people are stunned when I tell them I'm really not a social person - but it's totally a fake. I just don't get the point of most social contact.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I once needed help performing at work. Literally. I was a phone ho. The girl I wanted to emulate told me, to "Celebrate [my] dopeness". I have been doing so ever since with fantastic results in all areas of life. I always think I'm fantastic, look fantastic, sound fantastic and that everyone is having fun near me. And you know what? Its not always true upon deeper examination, but it is usually not far fronm true! When you approach social situationsfrom this perspective... magic!

 

[hungboy18]

When you're around someone you don't need to impress or give a damn about, you just do your thing, when you want to get it in you act a certain way hopping to get some results and it back fires because you're not being you, you're playing a character, some people are good at it, other's get razzies.

 

[helgaleena]

I once needed help performing at work. Literally. I was a phone ho. The girl I wanted to emulate told me, to "Celebrate [my] dopeness". I have been doing so ever since with fantastic results in all areas of life. I always think I'm fantastic, look fantastic, sound fantastic and that everyone is having fun near me. And you know what? Its not always true upon deeper examination, but it is usually not far fronm true! When you approach social situationsfrom this perspective... magic!

AE, I have to remember this-- but translate 'Inner Dopeness' to something else not bringing to mind the seven dwarves.. inner awesomeness?

But yes, that background sort of attitude is the sort of thing I was wondering about.