Why I didn't want a girl.

[Principessa]

Why I didn't want a girl

By Amy Wilson
-- In an elevator, in line at the grocery store, waiting for the bus, it always goes like this: Strangers' eyes zero in on my belly first. Then they dart furtively to my face, as if to make sure I'm not a mutant, just visibly pregnant.

After this, they ask, "Is this your first?"

"My third," I answer. "I have two boys at home."

And for the kicker, they unfailingly give me a sideways grin, and say: "Going for your girl?"

"Nooo, just going for a baby," I reply, gritting my teeth a little. "Another boy would be fine with us."

I know these people are just making conversation. But this constant assumption leaves me a little offended. What's wrong with boys? Why wouldn't I want another one? It bothers me that people assume I feel incomplete without a daughter, let alone that it's my motivation for being pregnant with a third child in the first place.

One woman actually said to me, "I had two boys first also. And then I had my girl. Thank God."

To these people, I say, "I actually hope it's another boy. I like boys better."

I do this partially in defense of the two wonderful sons I have. But it's the truth. I love what I have, and I have what I love: boys. I understand them. I understand the clothes, the toys, and the Matchbox-car skids on my wallpaper.

The title of this story shocked me because I've never heard of a woman who openly said she didn't want a daughter. Who will take care of her when she is old and gray, I thought? onder: Don't get me wrong, I know a great many men are nurturing caregivers.

Usually, in a family, it is the daughter who becomes the caregiver to the elderly or ailing parents. It doesn't matter that she has her own family to care for, or that she works full-time, it's often just assumed she will take over the role of caregiver.

So how many of you are happy, you have sons and not daughters?

To a father growing old nothing is dearer than a daughter. ~Euripides
​

We've begun to raise daughters more like sons, but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem
​

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

only daughter out of 5, im the only one who is there for my parents. Typically the boys get married and merge with their inlaws. My mom said that you lose your son when he marries....thats been true in my family.

Im very close to my parents, i chose to only have one child and at first when i thought i would have more children i was hoping for a boy first and then a girl. But given that i only will have one child- im very grateful i get to bond with my daughter.

I know people have secret hopes for certain genders but usually dont sound so negative about it. My mom and dad didnt want a 5th son but were completely prepared for either when they conceived me. It took me all of 5 minutes to leave the ultrasound knowing i was going to get to buy pink girly things and i completely forgot about whatever gender desire.

Its an odd story but probably more common than we think.

 

[Wish-4-8]

"Ala forbid you have any daughters!!!!"
from Disney's Aladdin.

 

[akira22]

"Did they send me daughters, when I asked for sons?"

Disney's Mulan...

I always hear that bullshit about how it's easier to raise boys than girls, but that is just a free pass for men to grow up thinking they are so much better than women when they aren't. Children aren't easy to raise, regardless of their sex.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

had sons
happy to have them... but would have loved to have had a daughter.

Would have loved to have that energy in my home.

 

[Trouty]

only daughter out of 5, im the only one who is there for my parents. Typically the boys get married and merge with their inlaws. My mom said that you lose your son when he marries....thats been true in my family.

Im very close to my parents, i chose to only have one child and at first when i thought i would have more children i was hoping for a boy first and then a girl. But given that i only will have one child- im very grateful i get to bond with my daughter.

.

Too true. Happened to me. I see my in-laws far more than me dear old mum :frown1: (of course she is a bit of a crazy old lady who says crazy things but she's still my mum )

Only got boys here and am glad of that fact as I lack the tact and sensitivity that a girl often needs. Not too many problems with grown women as they know I'm only pretending to be a jerk :redface:

 

[hung_proper1978]

I knew this woman who told me she wept when she found out she was having a girl. She was and I guess still is pissed about it. Her reasons were exactly the writers reasons. Interesting topic.

 

[DGirl]

I believe Women don't want a girl because THEY want to be the center of Attention. I read this CRAZY advice column on MSN where this lady felt threated by her poor 17 year old child. She did not like that guys gave her PRETTY child the attention and not her..
Darn I wish I had the link!!!!!!!!!
UGH!!!!!!!!!
What NORMAL women does not want a LITTLE her?

 

[ManlyBanisters]

What NORMAL women does not want a LITTLE her?

A little her? That's just as fucking crazy.

Children are their own people - we don't own them - we're simply here to nurture and protect - there is no mini-me aspect to have kids and anyone who thinks there is needs to think long and hard before they allow themselves to reproduce.

 

[naughty]

A little her? That's just as fucking crazy.

Children are their own people - we don't own them - we're simply here to nurture and protect - there is no mini-me aspect to have kids and anyone who thinks there is needs to think long and hard before they allow themselves to reproduce.

It may sound crazy but there are many people who see it that way. I know people who chose to be childless when they found they were not able to have children regardless of the fact that there are kids out there to be adopted. I know that adoption is not necessarily easy either but I personally thought it was a bit narcisstic but then who am I to judge.

 

[phonehome]

Sons can't come home pregnent at 15 or so and then stay in moms house for the next however many years. Where is baby Palin living now???

Does anyone think that will change anytime soon???

 

[naughty]

This is a deep topic. Is it self hate or that many women have ingested the idea that females are less valuable in some way than a male child.
The reality of sons leaving the family and merging with the in laws is an interesting dynamic. I think this may be the cause of much of the family friction between female in laws. I know one case at least where a marriage broke up because the only son had the nerve to go over to his widowed mother's home to assist her when she would call. It shouldnt be a competition. I as many of the other women here am the female offspring who serves as caretaker. Bless my brother's heart but I think that he seriously thinks about what it will be like for me to take care of a bedridden parent totally as well as dealing with all of the other properties and family issues alone if he marries. His long time girlfriend recently actually said to my mother in a fit of pique that she felt my mother was the impediment to them marrying. Wow! Well you can imagine that only confirming my mother's feelings about the young woman and her son. This is a very deep topic...Mothers and their sons...

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

Maybe its just me but it seems this Betty Wilson lady is a nut :yup: Ideally most families consist of at least 1 son and 1 daughter, so of course if you have one people are going to assume you would want the other. Nothing at all to do with one being better then then other

 

[Gillette]

Daddy's little girl, Mama's boy.
Oedipus / Electra complex

Children frequently gravitate to the opposite sex parent and as childhood gives way to adolesence the most bitter struggles are commonly with the same sex parent.

"You're a chip off the ol' block"
"You're your father's son"
"You're just like your mother"

How often is the last quote used as a compliment?

I don't find it at all unnatural for an expecting parent to hope for an opposite sex child.

 

[Principessa]

This is a deep topic. Is it self hate or that many women have ingested the idea that females are less valuable in some way than a male child.

That is a viewpoint I hadn't considered! I know that is often true in Asian and Indian cultures. :frown1:

The reality of sons leaving the family and merging with the in laws is an interesting dynamic. I think this may be the cause of much of the family friction between female in laws. I know one case at least where a marriage broke up because the only son had the nerve to go over to his widowed mother's home to assist her when she would call. It shouldnt be a competition. I as many of the other women here am the female offspring who serves as caretaker. Bless my brother's heart but I think that he seriously thinks about what it will be like for me to take care of a bedridden parent totally as well as dealing with all of the other properties and family issues alone if he marries. His long time girlfriend recently actually said to my mother in a fit of pique that she felt my mother was the impediment to them marrying. Wow! Well you can imagine that only confirming my mother's feelings about the young woman and her son. This is a very deep topic...Mothers and their sons...[/QUOTE] :frown1: Then she is not the woman for him.

Maybe its just me but it seems this Betty Wilson lady is a nut :yup: Ideally most families consist of at least 1 son and 1 daughter, so of course if you have one people are going to assume you would want the other. Nothing at all to do with one being better then then other

Agreed, she is a nut. Me, I just want a healthy, normal baby when my time comes.

I have twins, a son and daughter. I always wanted boys, hubby wanted a girl.

Cool, you both got your wish :smile:

I'm disgusted at some of the points raised by NJ about care giving to their elderly (not an attack on NJ herself, I don't know her personal beliefs on this)... Fuck what mother would prefer boys over girls, how about "What mother would want a child to take care of them when they are old?" I certainly wouldn't, and my parents certainly don't.

Interesting, is that a common UK attitude? I hadn't realized it until your post but I think this may be a cultural thing. I know it is common in black, Italian, and Hispanic families for one of the adult children, sometimes the male, to take in and care for the aging parent(s). Have you read Like Water for Chocolate? Like Water for Chocolate is a popular novel published in 1989 by first-time Mexican novelist Laura Esquivel.[1] The novel follows the story of a young girl named Tita who longs her entire life for her lover, Pedro, but can never have him because of her domineering mother's traditional belief that the youngest daughter must not marry but take care of her mother until the day she dies.

They raised me, I raised by children, they will raise their children. When we reach an age where we become a burden on others, its time to check into an old peoples home and let our children continue with their own lives. Sure its great if the child WANTS to take care of their elderly parents, but for the parent to actually expect it? Thats just wrong, sorry.[/QUOTE

]

I see your point, but quite often by the time one physically needs to go into a nursing home they are unable to make that decision for themselves. :frown1:

In my case I chose to move to Georgia to assist my mother in the care of my now 80 year old dad with Parkinson's Disease. I couldn't imagine not being there for him when he's always been there for me.

 

[SpoiledPrincess]

Very much with Kotch on this one, I didn't have children as some sort of old age policy, if I ever get to the stage where I'm infirm enough to need care I've told my children that I'd want to be in a home, I wouldn't want to be a burden on them and I wouldn't want to them taking up all their lives to provide and care for me. The parents who do believe their children should take them in are selfish buggers in my opinion.

 

[naughty]

Very much with Kotch on this one, I didn't have children as some sort of old age policy, if I ever get to the stage where I'm infirm enough to need care I've told my children that I'd want to be in a home, I wouldn't want to be a burden on them and I wouldn't want to them taking up all their lives to provide and care for me. The parents who do believe their children should take them in are selfish buggers in my opinion.

LOL! Well then there are plenty of selfish ones out there. I dont think it was so much a conscious thing in my family as the time came and I could not see not helping them. I actually had an aunt tell me in my early twenties to run for my life because she had been the one to stay home with the parents and subsequently taking care of her inlaws and infirm husband while being sickly herself. But ultimately her daughter ended up being the life saver in her situation to take care of her.
No I dont LOVE being a caretaker, If I had loved it I probably would have been a nurse but I have ended up taking care of an elderly aunt my father and now my mother. My brother has been a blessing. However I know it has taken a toll on both of us in terms of personal relationships. I think you have a window of opportunity to meet and marry before the parental caretaking responsibilities kick in. I think also in many of the cultures NJ just mentioned there may not have been the socio economic means or access to nursing care outside of the family so they took care of their own.
Like water for Chocolate made me quite sad as did House of the Spirits where the older sister Farella took care of the mother and then was treated as baggage by the younger successful brother when she herself became older and alone. I have often seen myself becoming Farella. LOL! BUt my brother is not like that , thank GOD!

 

[MickeyLee]

my only value as a daughter is the expectation of free home health care in my parents declining years? wow.. i feel fucking special and loved <~~~ the cranky is in no way directed at Ms. NJQT. all the crank belongs to the idea of female children being one step above indentured servants

nope. not happening. i informed both of my parents that my plan for their golden years involves a tearful farewell and an ice flow. maybe they think i'm joking? :wink:

 

[B_Think_Kink]

I would be happy with anything I got. I don't even know if I can have children. So lets keep them a gift when they come. As long as they are healthy.

 

[Kassokilleri2ff]

I always figured that parents wanted boys instead of girls because they are easier to raise. Even with pets, people prefer a male dog or cat or whatever because they are easier to have. Females are just a pain in the butt apparently lol. I myself have two sisters, and my mom thanks me for being such an easy child. Whereas my sisters drive her insane at all times, even at 18 my sister is still a big pain in the ass.