Why I Never Let Him Pay...

Tight_N_Juicy

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When I was casually dating, if I went out to dinner with a guy or any other event, I paid for myself. Some men accuse women in a general way of only wanting the free stuff. If I'm on a date, it's for the company. I can feed myself, by myself without complication. I don't leave room for assumptions.

Some women do just want a free dinner. Key word: *some*. Same way some men just want to fuck but they act like they're looking for an actual partner.

People manipulate one another. Welcome to the world.

The inspiration for this thread can be found in the AASM section of the site.
 

MickeyLee

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I have paid, been treated and gone dutch. My general rule has been who asks pays unless otherwise stated.

Maybe I don't worry about it cuz I have never "dated" a man. The boy went from one of best friends to hump monkey without having to pickup my Chipotle.

We trade off now. And I pay when I suggest eating out. The southern boy in him struggled at first but he soon accepted his lot in life as the cost of bedding down with a queer human.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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Since I can't reply in the thread that inspired this one, I'll just comment here that I find it hilarious that the OP of that thread feels so threatened by the idea of having to pay for a meal and not get fucked for it, when the women he's taking out on the dates are likely trying to figure out whether or not he an *actual* physical threat to her.

Blows the mind, ya know?
 
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286798

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I typically try to go Dutch. The major motivation is to show that I am looking for an equal partner. As a bonus, I tend to not even kiss on the first date, and this tends to minimize a dude feeling that I owe him sex for his dropping money/showing kindness. (This has rarely been an issue because of how I wrote my profile and the photos I selected. Guys who are just looking for booty don't go for profiles like mine.)

I have lots of single friends. I feel bad for the dudes who get used for dinners. I see it happen especially with my chubby/balding friends whose best assets (intelligence/heart) don't inspire swipes. I also know girls who say "I need to get 3 dinners to cover my match subscription". I also know dudes who take girls to nice places just to increase their chances of getting tail. Boo to anyone who doesn't approach dating with being honest about their intentions.
 

Bluvm

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I don't mind paying fir the first. But Also don't expect anything but s good conversation and a nice meal. I there are subsequent dates going dutch or trade off could be made. But there should never be an expectation of sex. I think that ruins the sex when it happens. It is an obligation, not because they want to have sex with me.
 

MickeyLee

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I need to state I never felt obligated or have I had an expectation of booty related to a date. The very idea offends the fuck right out of me.

I ask people out to dine for the experience of sharing food and company. The whole idea is to get to know more about the person. To see if I actually want to be nekkid around them.

Hell, I don't even expect a smooch at the end of the date. I hope to hear they would like to do it again. Smooches are eagerly accepted if offered.

If I am looking for transactional sex I am aware of the existence of sex workers.
 

LaFemme

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Omg. I just read both of his ”insightful” threads. I have him on ignore as he generally brings me no joy, but I did get a giggle out of his “what women want” thread.

He dates a particular niche of women. That’s all I can say. I’ve seen that cliche on TV and movies, but I don’t actually know any of those women in real life. Sure, I know women who do all those things, but not on dates and usually with other women - not as dating tools. Yes, I love travelling and markets, but I go with friends, not on dates. And duh, no, women are not interested in dick pics, and yes, we’d like to get to know you before fucking you.

As to paying for meals on dates. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had my meal paid for on a date. I prefer to pay my own way. It just feels so 1950’s to have someone else pick up the tab. Now after we’ve established a relationship, pay away! I’ll pay, too. It will all even out in the end.
 
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286798

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Im sure all women feel "empowered" to pay their way. Pussy power and all.
: unamused:

I don't feel empowered by this. I think it takes the pressure off of everyone. If the date doesn't go well, all you're out is the time. Neither party is harmed more than the other. I DO appreciate a chivalrous man, but I'd rather it be through his manners than his wallet. Walk between me and the street or other people. Help me put on my jacket. Open my door (although I don't like/expect this if it's raining... no sense his getting extra wet so I can get the same amount of wet). If you're stronger than me, carry the heavy stuff... not because I can't, but because it's easier for you.

My ex bf of almost 4 years... who obviously is a lovely person or I wouldn't have stayed with him so long... says going dutch-ish helped set the tone of our relationship. As backstory... He's kinda chubby, kinda balding, kinda shy, doesn't photograph well... not one who gets a lot of replies on dating apps... but he had some interesting things in his bio, a nice smile, and kind eyes. We had good conversation online before meeting so I expected dinner to be pleasant, but honestly wasn't expecting the spark. He asked me to go to a very thoughtful and unique first date activity, followed by dinner. He paid for the activity and I paid for dinner, which was about equal price. Throughout our relationship, there were times I had extra expenses and he paid for more of our dinners and such, and there were times he had expensive car repairs and I shouldered the load. We kinda established that on night one.

Now that he's single, he told me that he's had several girls be available only during the dinner period. They have to go let their dog out, or are tired, or whatever excuse... but will agree to a 2nd or 3rd dinner date. Mind you, he picks good restaurants because he enjoys good food. If this happens and they don't show any interest in knowing him without silverware between them (like continuing the date with drinks or coffee), he will next ask for an inexpensive activity-type date... if they say no, he doesn't continue because he is their foodie call. (I can't wait to send him that article)
 
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palakaorion

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:: ventures into AaSM forum ::
:: doesn't see article ::
:: realizes OP is on ignore list ::
:: decides to risk it since so many quality ladies here are talking about it ::
:: warily clicks "show ignored content" ::
:: regrets decision ::
 
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If I asked the person out, I expect to pay for the meal. I generally (when dating, not seriously seeing people) went Dutch. I would offer to cook if sometimes I couldn't manage dining out and I knew the person somewhat. If things were right and I wasn't going to cook for them, we could do something smaller. Go get coffee Dutch and go for a meander around that part of town. Things don't have to cost money to be fun. When things have been more flush, I love to be able to treat friends. Fuck no, I'm not about that "use people for my gain" bullshit. Even when things were so dire to when I was homeless, I didn't manipulate people.

As for the other garbage/disaster...

I tend towards being organized for many things. It is a major asset, given the kinds of work I have done. Attention to detail is important when dealing with fraud prevention, documents that the Department of Defense or FAA might audit, etc. Small spontaneous "let's go out for a drive" or "let's go get x thing to eat" is fine. Fun, too. I like going for a drive late at night when the weather is nice. Windows down, music on jam.

I fucking hate hiking. I am not an outdoors-y kinda person. I am about that city life. I hate shopping, including going to Farmer's Markets. I hate going to malls, shopping centers, whatever. Uh, yoga makes my hyper mobile joints complain anymore. I'm good.

Appreciation for someone being themselves, their intellect, their personality, and their body aren't mutually exclusive. I haven't much interest in someone so narrow minded or foolish as to only appreciate one thing about me. Nor would I expect anyone to find much interest in me if I reduced them to just a single shallow thing.

I am a crazy introvert and a homebody. I do have places I want to see, but a trip once a year or less would be more than enough for me. It is very easy for me to hermit outside of go to work, go get groceries, use the fitness room in my apartment complex, etc. It's my preferred way of living. My partner is the only person I've encountered in 30+ years of living who is an exception to my introversion. Anyone else I would want the fuck out of my space after a day ish. Rem? We hermit together and it's lovely.

How dare people want to be safe and confirm you'll not violate boundaries before fucking? I had multiple fuck buddies in the past. Damn right they had to be someone I knew enough to trust my body with. Did that mean I had to be best friends with them? Fuck no. Did it mean I had to love them? Fuck no. I had to know they would adhere to safe sex practices and liked the kind of sex I enjoy. Why waste my time with a fuck buddy whose idea of fun in the bedroom would bore me to tears? Why waste my time with a fool who would expose me to risk? I didn't ask any of them to be monogamous. They were fuck buddies for a reason, so we got to adhere to strict safe sex practices. They knew they weren't the only one I was fucking, and vice versa.

I like dirty pictures from people I'm interested in. That can include genitals, but if I'm interested in them, it isn't just for their genitals. Show me more. Show me your body, your facial expression. If I just want a still shot that is a close up, I can take a picture of one of my own dildos.

Plenty of people, male and female are bisexual. That doesn't mean bisexual people exist to fulfill other people's threesome fantasies or fetishes. Pansexual and queer people exist too. Still not on this planet to fulfill other people's fantasies or fetishes. Bisexuality erasing assholes...

I've been a unicorn, I've been polyamorous (it was my suggestion/preference, not something brought up by my partner), I've been single and had lots of crazy wild fun hot fucking with lots of people. Sex is a moderately small chunk of time out of my life compared to many other things, but it is important to me. There are many reasons why I have had multiple fuck buddies in the past. There are many reasons why I used to also do casual/one offs, too.

Stereotyping, ignorant assholes. I swear...
 
D

deleted1168963

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So I can’t believe there is so much negative feedback on a very personal matter. Some women I’ve dated expected me to pay others wanted to go Dutch for reasons I never asked why and a women I date now is extremely wealthy and realizes that I am putting two through college pays for everything. I want to pay for half but there are times I can’t (ever pay for two teenagers car insurance bill?) . Since I have always been a nurturer I find this a little disconcerting at times especially when it’s a jaw dropping restaurant bill. But she wants me only to be true and honest with her. To each her or his own I say
 

marriedasian

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i will generally pay. yea, i'm old-school but that's me. i pay with no expectations of anything in return. i go in knowing i will pay and will play accordingly.

now if she wants to pay her way, i've no issue with that. i will ask her "are you sure, i've got it, no expectations"... and if she still insist then i'm cool with it. it ends there, i never bring it up. if we go out again, i will pay unless she insists again.

maybe i'm alone in this but it's just not a big deal to me. i can understand if the bill came to $500 or so but if it's less than or around $100 then i'm grabbing the check. :)
 
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I responded there and was accused of missing the point. My retort is simple. There are many people that are users male and female alike. For every woman that plays the meal card; I would venture there are is a guy promising marriage to get into a pair of panty's.

Honestly it looked more like the "I/you have sand under my/your foreskin" (feel free to use this term next time you hear the "sand in the pussy" line) female bashing bullshit.