Why Now?

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

I don't know where to begin & it's gonna be long but here it goes..

I use to hang out with this guys who was about 7-8 years older than me, his family & my family were very close and pretty much we would see them almost everyday. One day he asked if I wanted to play a game and we ended up messing around with eachother, as time went one it turned in something deeper, more on an emotional level rather than intimate/physical, the connection whe had was incredible.

As he and I got older we started hanging out less & less and pretty much went our separate ways but I could not stop thinking about the way he smelled or the touch of his hands or the way his lips touched mine.

About a year later I went with my mom to his mom's house and I saw his car sitting outside and my heart fluttered, I started to sweat & I actually contemplated not going inside even though I wanted to see him. As my mom sat down and I stood in the kitchen she said that he enlisted in the army and was in Iraq...I was really upset that he didn't say goodbye.

A couple of years passed and I went to his mother's birthday party and he was there, I couldn't believe my eye and I was overcame by emotions. He came up to me and said "Hello" and introduced me to his wife he married in Japan and I cried for weeks.

I ended up getting married and moving away and started my own life. When I would visit my mom, sometimes he would be passing by in his car and he would wave and I could feel my heart flutter again.

Even though we were on two separate paths and had our own thing going on he always had a piece of my heart and I've never really forgot about him.

One day I came across his profile on Myspace and messaged him saying that "I hope everything is going well and if you ever want to get a bite to eat, here's my number." and he replied " Sure, I'll let you know" but I never heard or seen him again in over 3 years.

A couple of days ago I got home from work and I got a text on my phone saying "Is this still ( my name) phone number?" I replied " Yes" and he said "So it is you (and said the nickname that he had for me) ", My heart dropped. I thought it was a joke but when he said my nickname I knew it was him. We texted back and forth asking how the other was doing, he sent me a picture of his new dog and and said he bought a house in Corona a that I should stop by one day. I texted back and said "For sure, let me know when" and he replied "(His wife's name) is going back to Japan for three weeks and I'll have alot of time on my hands" and I texted back "ok"
and he replied "got to eat dinner talk later".

I'm still a alittle confused on why did he respond 3 years later and why did he wait until now.

Can anyone give me their input and what they think about it?
What should I do?

Thanks.

 

[AM_092]

I got really sad in the middle of the story!!

But honestly, it depends if your feelings for him are platonic or you ideally, want to be in a relationship with him (this wasn't made very clear in your post!)

Surprises are good

 

[D_Tim McGnaw]

You're both still married? This guy is the real love of your life? You've barely seen each other for years, including lots of big deal periods in one another's lives. You've carried this sad longing around in your heart for years.

Do I think you should jump at the opportunity to take advantage of the fact that your friend's wife is out of town to see if you and he can bump uglies? No.


But I do think this could be a really important opportunity to reconnect as a friend with this guy and see how you've both changed and how you still feel about each other. He may feel nothing like the feelings you've carried around for him all this time, but then again he might do. With that in mind I don't think it really matters why he's contacted you now, and speculating about it is pointless really anyway. You either want to take the opportunity or you don't, and the only way you'll ever know why he decided to get back in contact now is by meeting him and finding out from the horse's mouth. No one here can answer that, and nor can you on his behalf.

I'd take the opportunity to spend some time together again if I were you and then decide what you want to do about all this when you have a firmer idea about what's going on.

Whatever happens you have to ask yourself about the current relationships in your life, your marriage, and you should probably be asking yourself some questions about your sexuality unless you're an out bisexual that is, and you're cool with that and so is your wife.

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

You're both still married? This guy is the real love of your life? You've barely seen each other for years, including lots of big deal periods in one another's lives. You've carried this sad longing around in your heart for years.

Do I think you should jump at the opportunity to take advantage of the fact that your friend's wife is out of town to see if you and he can bump uglies? No.


But I do think this could be a really important opportunity to reconnect as a friend with this guy and see how you've both changed and how you still feel about each other. He may feel nothing like the feelings you've carried around for him all this time, but then again he might do. With that in mind I don't think it really matters why he's contacted you now, and speculating about it is pointless really anyway. You either want to take the opportu
nity or you don't, and the only way you'll ever know why he decided to get back in contact now is by meeting him and finding out from the horse's mouth. No one here can answer that, and nor can you on his behalf.

I'd take the opportunity to spend some time together again if I were you and then decide what you want to do about all this when you have a firmer idea about what's going on.

Whatever happens you have to ask yourself about the current relationships in your life, your marriage, and you should probably be asking yourself some questions about your sexuality unless you're an out bisexual that is, and you're cool with that and so is your wife.

I agree with some of the points you made.

Everything that I've been through with him, the pain and anger I felt when I found out he got married, the worry that he was out fighting a war and knowing that I didn't get to say goodbye. I'm actually scared to reconnect with him because I don't think I would be able to hold in my emotions. He's the only other person in the world other than my wife that I can honestly say that I love. It took me years to get to a place knowing that he had his own life and he was moving on and I had to do the same, and then out of blue he's trying to come back into it.

 

[helgaleena]

I don't think you should hold in your emotions. If you believe in past life connections, this sounds a lot like one. But the lesson in this is that it is possible to have more than one great love in your life. You both have wives and your love for your wives is just as worthy, only it's not the same. Go with the love and let the rest sort itself out.

The connection you have is not supported in our culture the way that a marriage is, but that does not mean it's not love. I think you should keep your heart open and see what sort of things have gone on with your friend. Both of you have been through so much that you are sure to be very different people than in your youth, but your friendship might be just what he needs to get through something in his own life, and you will have no idea whether you can help until you find out face to face.

 

[Snozzle]

Be prepared for heartbreak. He may still want you bodily but with nothing like the emotional connection you feel for him. (Not keeping you in touch with major changes in his life suggests that.) And don't put your marriage at risk unless and until you're sure he feels about you the way you do about him.

Whether to have a fling and see? Difficult. Both the risks and the possible rewards are high. If you go, take it cool, and talk a lot to see if your hopes and expectations match before you do anything physical. Good luck.

 

[B_subgirrl]

I'm still a alittle confused on why did he respond 3 years later and why did he wait until now.

I've gotten in touch with several people after many years of no contact.

Why did I do it at the time I did? Usually there was no specific reason for it to happen at that time. Usually I'd just been thinking about them and this time (unlike the other times I'd thought about them) I just happened to decide to contact them.

ie. While he may have a reason for contacting you at this specific time, maybe there isn't really a reason. Maybe he was just thinking about you.

 

[MattBrick]

Youre situation is complicated.
I hope you are able to find the path through it that is right for you.

Could I start out saying that there might be no reason at all why he didn't contact you, and is contacting you now? All of us have friends and aquaintances we lose touch with, and might get back in touch with one day, just because life is busy.
Messing around with you, joining the army without telling you, getting married, not getting back to you, and then reaching out now might not be connected at all except in your own mind. You might be retelling these events from that perspective, and be influencing the way we view the story. He might have no idea how you feel.

But I also am going to I say, that at least from the way you tell the story, I don't think this is the case. It seems that he is aware of your feelings. How to gage his feelings is more complicated.

Why do I think he understands (and perhaps feels) more than he says? He is acting in typical guy fashion. Knowing someone wants him, he avoids/ignores, then bestows attention when it suits him.

Why do guys ignore/avoid? A) They are not interested at the time B) They don't want to commit C)They imagine they can get something better
D) They are not able to pursue the connection despite their inclination due to outside circumstances - it is hard for them to talk about it, so they say nothing, and act distant. It isn't often case D - way to noble for most of us to be in real life - but it might be with your friend. Being straight, married, in the military, far away, not very close in age, etc. etc. make things more complicated and case D more likely than it would be typically.

Why do guys then sometimes bestow attention later? A) They want sex B) They want the attention, confirmation of their virility/atractiveness, and the flirtation, but not necesarily sex - sex maybe if it is going around, sex if it is necesary to keep the sexual tension / flirtation going, even if things are awkward after, etc.. C) They need to know if they still "have it" and can get it - from the object of their renewed attention, or in general D) They really have feelings for the object of their renewed attention, and their feelings have changed, evolved or grown, or circumstances have changed.

There can be any combination of these motivations, and more than one promting either one of the two behaviors. There aren't a whole lot more motivations that make us act in this way though. Looking at it this way can help you evaluate your situation, and can help us see things more clearly when we are the one acting out cases A through D.

Snozzle, apart from having rebuilt a fully functioning foreskin from scratch, has said something very wise in his opening.

Keep in mind, that cases D are not necesarily what you should be hoping against hope for. As far as renewing attentions, if case D applies here, his feelings might have changed because the age difference is not significant now, but on the other hand, the change in the situation might simply be that is wife is in Japan. As far as the avoiding/ignoring of the recent past up until now, if D were the case, you must consider that acting out A, B, C and D all point to an irresponsible, immature man, who is careless of other peoples' emotions, and of the value of a loving relationship, and who is likely emotionally unavailable himself. It is sad that this describes so many of us.

You should proceed with extreme caution entering into a romantic or emotional relationship with a person like this. As a kid, the let down was bad enough to still be affecting you now. Don't be willing to go in for a second round without your wits about you now that you are an adult.
You must also proceed with extreme caution entering into a physical relationship with him, since physical relationships lead so directly into emotional relationships.

I can't tell you that you shouldn't renew the aquaintance because it is dangerous.
I know, even despite the moral issues with this situation, I would not allow their to be an empty set of unkowing, an unclosed emotional space, with the oppurtunity to resolve it before me. I am a man who acts, and as complex, and dangerous ethically as things are, I might very likely go and see him, if I my place was changed for yours.

I will tell you, that, if even the text messages are throwing your off of your equilibrium, you need to think very carefully about this. I will also tell you, that if you love your wife, you owe it to her to consider how she would feel before proceeding very far, should your friend indeed share your feelings/desires toward him.

But, what else I'll tell you, is that nothing might happen, or something might happen, and you and your friend might realise that you are at different places in your lives than back when. This all could help you zrr, put things in better perspective.
Keep in mind that there are "other fish in the sea". He is not the only guy you could have a fling with while your wives are away. He is not the only guy you could have a relationship with. Do you already have a satisfying loving relationship? What else are you looking for? Do you want a relationship with a guy? (And is this apart from, or in addition to your marriage?) And why? Why are you hung up on this guy? Is it just because he is "impossible" to have? These are some questions I would ask myself.

Spending time with him now, whether your meeting is friendly, or involves "messing around" could help you answer some of these. You might end up just reconnecting with an old friend or gaining closure to this emotional roller coaster you've been on by realizing his feelings for you simply have never been what yours have or that you no longer have feelings for him. Or you might have some very casual frienly sexual contact that you don't talk about later, or you might end up with a same-sex relationship you are likely in no way ready for.

I'll tell you what else: while it would help if we knew a little bit more about how he felt and acted when you were close, but his words and actions now are all a little bit too pointed to mean nothing. It's possible that it was just play for both of you then, and during your time apart the relationship grew in your mind, was a first love, but never recieving the external aknowlegment and/or closure of a regular relationship, while in his mind this never happend. If this wasn't the scenario though, though his feelings may not be exactly what yours are, it seems likely that he wants to do a little more than talk.

Remember though, as an absent relationship continues with us in our minds, it can become more fantasy than reality, and become an impossible ideal -especially the "real" parts of the relationship were done in secret.
Real relationships are not secret, and they aren't perfect. Even with an other guy, and with great sex, an amazing connection, etc. they are not all that different from a regular relationship with a regular wife.

Perhaps my best advice to you is to talk this over with a non-judgemental professional. It might help a great deal.
Whatever you do, don't let this guy manipulate you. Don't be dissapointed if he doesn't live up to your expectations. Don't jump to his beck and call, and be left always wishing for a little more than he is willing to offer. Live your own life, seek out joy and fulfilment, and act with love and caring to those around you.

I hope this helps!

 

[DavidXL]

There could be a whole host of reasons why he took 3 years to get back to you. It could be that he's just not that into you, or maybe he's focused only on his wife and wants to be faithful to her (and maybe it feels like cheating to him to hang with you even if nothing happens) or maybe he's afraid that he can't trust himself not to fall back into your old relationship. I've had a whole bunch of situations where I just made myself heartsick wondering what other people were thinking, and no good ever came of all that wondering.

You obviously still have strong feelings for him. He's obviously flirting with the idea of fooling around a bit - otherwise, why would he wait for his wife to go away to hang out with you?
If you get together, maybe it would be good for you to just clear your mind and get things out in the open (e.g., tell hiim that you genuinely cared for him, that you missed him and still thought about him over all of these years). Figure out what you want and just come out in the open and tell him. It sort of sound like your feelings for him have always been stronger than his were for you, so be careful.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[miamirt]

don't wait on him again to text you for an invite. If you know when his wife will be away, text him and set-up your time together, and go over to see him. You will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if" if you do nothing and let this opportunity slip away. Remember, however, that you are both married so it is unlikely this will go anywhere but a buddy with benefits route. If you are not interested in that, just go hang out and keep it from going anywhere too personal. GO!

 

[august86]

Do I think you should jump at the opportunity to take advantage of the fact that your friend's wife is out of town to see if you and he can bump uglies? No.

I'd take the opportunity to spend some time together again if I were you and then decide what you want to do about all this when you have a firmer idea about what's going on.

Whatever happens you have to ask yourself about the current relationships in your life, your marriage

It's a tough situation, and I feel your confusion, Zr.
I agree with Hil and David in that you owe it to yourself to find out what his deal is.
It's amazing how the mind can conjure up the most beautiful "what if?" storylines, which totally throw you off.
Maybe he just wants to catch-up; maybe he wants someone to cheat with; or... the one you wish for, maybe he wants to be with you.

However, things are never as rosy or as cut and dried as in the movies and Shakespearean plays, so I would be cautious with emotions/feelings.
As Hil mentioned, you (both) have lives and marriages, so your decisions and actions should be carefully considered.

It is also possible that meeting with him will provide the closure that you both need to move on with your lives, be it to remain friends or to part ways.

Good luck

 

[SR_Ethan Hunke]

I would be warry of the situation. There are red flags popping up everywhere. It seems very suspicious that he would contact you when his wife is going to be out of town.

 

[molotovmuffin]

I would be warry of the situation. There are red flags popping up everywhere. It seems very suspicious that he would contact you when his wife is going to be out of town.

I'm thinking the same thing. I wouldn't go, in fact I wouldn't even get back in touch with him. To me it's like he is having martial problems and is rethinking his whole sexual "status" or whatever. Do you really want to be a sex experiment? Tread carefully.

 

[B_jeepguy2]

Like many married middle aged men this guy probably isn't getting laid or if he is it is not as often as he would like to. He wants to play while the wife is away simple as that. Since you guys used to be buds back in the day he knows you are bi and would probably be into getting together again based on your last exchange three years ago. Inviting you over is much easier than posting an ad on Craigslist m4m personals.

I seriously doubt his emotional attachment to you is as strong as yours is to him or he would have renewed your friendship a long time ago. I think many men (myself included) are not really capable of emotional intimacy with a man or a woman. For many guys sex is purely physical which IMO is why so many married women feel unfulfilled and the divorce rate is so high.

It is also much easier and less risky for him as a married "straight" American male to mess around on the side with another dude than it is to have a girl on the side. It is even better if the dude he is messing around with is also married because our society is so heterosexist nobody would suspect homosexual activity going on between two married men...but it happens all the time.

Think about it, his wife comes back from Japan and one of her friends says "I saw your husband having dinner downtown with another woman while you were away." The wife is going to confront him and he is going to have some serious explaining to do unless the other woman was his mother, sister, or his cousin.

On the other hand If one of her friends says "I saw your husband downtown having dinner with some guy," She probably will think nothing of it, or assume it was a business associate, and very likely won't even mention it. If the subject were to ever come up he can say something like "Oh yeah that was (his name) he is an old friend of mine that I was catching up with. We should have him and his wife over for dinner sometime." As soon as a wife is mentioned suspicion of homosexual activity (if it was even suspected) immediately drops to ZERO because if a guy is married he is automaticly assumed to be 100% STRAIGHT!

 

[killerb]

your story reminded me of Brokeback Mountain...

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

I say this with mixed emotions but I probably won't be seeing or hearing from him again.

 

[Countryguy63]

I say this with mixed emotions but I probably won't be seeing or hearing from him again.

Ooh, :frown1: I hope it all works out for you

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

Ooh, :frown1: I hope it all works out for you

It's probably for the best.

 

[helgaleena]

Oh well. His motives will remain a mystery.

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

Oh well. His motives will remain a mystery.

No, his motives were quite clear. He's an ass.