Why women don't hook up "just for sex"

[Principessa]

Short answer: Because women have more to lose than men do.

Long answer: keep reading --->

A lot of men don't understand why women aren't willing to hook up with them for sex. :lmao: I thought that was just men who watch too much porn and have nothing to offer IRL. Some women can do "just sex" for fun, at least sometimes, but it seems most don't. I'm not criticizing any women for not wanting "just sex," just trying to get their take on it. It's kinda complicated. :redface:

There are plenty of single women that masturbate because they don't have a partner. I wonder why women would choose masturbation over hooking up with someone "just for sex." Fear Factor, there are way too many variables to take into consideration. Or would they take the sex every time if the guy was attractive and nice enough (and big enough cock)? Some would . . . but they are sluts. :tongue:

Anyway, I thought of these possible reasons. Please tell me for which of these reasons you (or other women) don't hook up "just for sex," or add/modify reasons that I didn't list.

1) It probably won't be good -
a) Most guys are just bad in bed (small dick or bad technique), so chances are the sex will be bad, so it's just not worth it. She'll be disappointed.
b) If a guy is just in it for sex, then he will be selfish and only care about himself and she probably won't have an orgasm or much pleasure.
c) The first time people have sex it won't be good because they don't know what each other likes, so she'd prefer to wait for someone that will have a longer relationship.
d) I always feel empty emotionally after a one night stand. I'd rather be alone.

2) Slut factor
a) If someone finds out then she will be labeled a slut and she doesn't want that stigma. That is a consideration especially if one resides in a small town.
b) It's just so ingrained from an early age that women shouldn't have sex except in a relationship that even if she knew no one would find out, she still couldn't let go of those guilty feelings and enjoy herself. Damn it Jovial! You really have to stop reading my old journals.:tongue:
c) Sex is special and casual sex cheapens it. She feels more valuable by limiting her number of partners. I feel better in general by not having a laundry list of sexual partners. I know gay men who are well into triple digits and none of them brag anout it. In fact most seem regretful.

3) She needs to be emotionally connected
a) Sex isn't enjoyable unless she truly has deeper feelings for someone.
b) Sex isn't enjoyable unless she knows the man has deeper feelings for her.
c) all of the above.

4) Dangers. These go without saying. But I'm more interested in how the above reasons compare.
a) Diseases
b) Unwanted pregnancy
c) Fear of physical harm
d) All of the above.

I won't say I've never gone for hook-ups, but the fact of the matter is that it was usually in response to some depression or another. A recent break-up, rejection from a job-interview...basically anything that was a blow to my self-esteem could at least be somewhat salvaged by that sense of being desired.

I am so glad you bought this up! For me it was a rape that left me feeling like damaged goods and completely useless at only 18 years of age.:redface: :frown:

That being said, the main reason I think it's different for us, is because the option is always open. A man who "bags" some girl is usually bolstering his ego even if he's pretty secure to begin with, because it isn't assured that he could manage to get some casual sex. True, back in what I refer to as my slut days, I always knew before I left the house I was going to have sex, most men don't have that option. :wink: :tongue: I know few women who could not casually pick up a guy up if they desperately wanted to, hence that desperation isn't usually there. Right Again!

I can do it (and have) but keep quiet about it due to the social unacceptance, what was called the "slut factor". There is also the fear of personal harm, so I have to know the guy isn't a psycho. I hate having to hide such a big part of my personality for fear of being socially unacceptable, but there it is.

There are a frightening number of truly psyco and physically scary men out there. Which is why casual sex, one night stands and fuck buddys are no longer on my menu.

 

[Marina67]

*nodding vigorously to njqt466.*
So much there in your point-by-point response that says more than I can.

Separately, from a quick skim I think only one man has responded already, but I was thinking of a response along those lines. An old buddy of mine is a bi man and we used to chat sometimes about the differences of dating a man versus dating a woman, and the sexual aspects involved. He preferred to date men, but did go out occasionally with women.

Some of what I learned from our conversations is that there are huge differences about why it is more acceptable and common for men to "just" hook up for sex (whether with other men, or women) and why it isn't so simple for women, even if they wanted to.

As at least some prior feedback has indicated, I believe that the relative costs-risks-benefits for women are very different for women versus for men. And if one could consider a different angle, even if prostitution was legal, acceptable, safe, and readily available, women may well still use the option much less than men even factoring relative sex drive and libidos.

This might sound like a non-answer, but it is something that makes sense for myself.

For myself, I have been single for a few years now, haven't had sex (with another person that is, LOL!) in more than four years and though I've been on a few dates since, none of them included sex. Though sometimes I wish I had a partner, again the relative costs-risks-benefits just aren't worth the fuss for me for a simple hookup. With this said, I've only had two separate fuck buddies ever, each a former boyfriend. We maintained a fuck buddy relationship with one another only until circumstances changed for each of us. Otherwise, they weren't into casual hookups, themselves.

I also don't think masturbation should be relegated to the lonely, horny, and alone. A response above indicated that even coupled partners still masturbate by themselves. I consider masturbation a good (at least for me) cost-risks-benefits on the quickie scale (no costs, risks, and reasonably high benefits for a quickie).

 

[strat69]

I think for a lot of women, there may be also a fear of the guy getting "attached" from it? I had one g/f who did have some relatively casual sex during her younger days, and she said after she figured out the guy wasn't worth keeping, she couldn't get him to go away...

seriously, there still exists a bit of a "double standard"...women who hook up for sex are often regarded as "slutty" where guys are regarded as just sort of "having their fun"...it's the same for both sexes, and I personally don't have any issues with a lady going out and figuring out what she likes or wants...never held it against any women I was with...
btw...I have hd a few pretty amazing "one night stands", where we were both pretty much just very into the physical thing...

 

[Jovial]

I think for a lot of women, there may be also a fear of the guy getting "attached" from it? I had one g/f who did have some relatively casual sex during her younger days, and she said after she figured out the guy wasn't worth keeping, she couldn't get him to go away...

I think that works both ways. If you give someone an orgasm they'll usually come back for more. It's kind of like feeding a stray cat.

seriously, there still exists a bit of a "double standard"...women who hook up for sex are often regarded as "slutty" where guys are regarded as just sort of "having their fun"...it's the same for both sexes, and I personally don't have any issues with a lady going out and figuring out what she likes or wants...never held it against any women I was with...
btw...I have hd a few pretty amazing "one night stands", where we were both pretty much just very into the physical thing...

True. In my case I don't respect guys that have too many partners and I try not to label women as sluts if they have had many partners. But I lose respect for women that settle for bad sex over and over.

 

[ClaireTalon]

Maybe we should clear up some terminology here. Hooking up for casual sex is no exclusively male characteristic, unless in some fantasies maybe. My experience is that a hook-up for some sex has meant more to my partners than to myself, since in most cases it has been the guys who wanted to schedule the next date right after the first, and on my agenda the only date, had come to an end. Or they wanted to turn the one-nighter into an affair or relationship, depending on their involvement status. If I compare numbers, this applies to maybe 70 % of my former sex partners.

 

[thugcock05]

Maybe we should clear up some terminology here. Hooking up for casual sex is no exclusively male characteristic, unless in some fantasies maybe. My experience is that a hook-up for some sex has meant more to my partners than to myself, since in most cases it has been the guys who wanted to schedule the next date right after the first, and on my agenda the only date, had come to an end. Or they wanted to turn the one-nighter into an affair or relationship, depending on their involvement status. If I compare numbers, this applies to maybe 70 % of my former sex partners.

See that is clear logical female thinking when it comes to "hooking up"

 

[D_golden parachute]

I wouldn't hook up 'just for sex'

 

[p542]

I don't do casual sex but I would hookup with a guy if I new he had a huge dick in advance just for the thrill.

 

[Shelby]

Anecdotal anomalies aside, it's to a female's sociobiological advantage to discriminate.

For males, it's just the opposite.

In the big scheme of things.

 

[DarkPhantom]

Maybe I lived in Sweden too long, but this just isn't an issue for me. Do people truly still feel slutty for having sex when they want to? Liking sex doesn't mean I have to take shit from anyone who disagrees with my actions . . why would I care what an outside party thinks about me anyway?

LOL ! :biggrin1:

 

[Marina67]

Anecdotal anomalies aside, it's to a female's sociobiological advantage to discriminate.

For males, it's just the opposite.

In the big scheme of things.

That's it in a nutshell! Tons better and clearer than my long-winded reply about costs-risks-benefits.

Thank you for knowing how to keep it short.

 

[ClaireTalon]

See that is clear logical female thinking when it comes to "hooking up"

Next he's going to give us a sermon about women not being able to think logically, thus rendering them completely helpless in technical situation, and if we're lucky we'll also hear that men's possibilities are exceeded as soon as emotions are involved, to give the sermon gender-equity balance.

I wouldn't hook up 'just for sex'

So you're an illustration to my rough-hewn statistics. Nothing bad about that.

Maybe LPSG attracts more women that are willing to hook up just for sex. I must admit that I'm a little naive to just how frequently people hook up just for sex in the real world.

Almost certainly. This is a board on sexuality, and for some reason, it's almost only those sexually liberal people who take up the opportunity to discuss these issues, while the more conservative folks prefer to remain silent. I wonder why that is, after all, we're just discussing matters here, and not acting on our speeches, though sometimes I would like that. Back on the subject, putting mine and thugcocks postings together, you can almost certainly be sure that there are more casual sex hookups around you than you might imagine. Women and men like to deny their involvement in them.

I think each woman allows herself to have a certain amount of "sluttiness," like they reserve the "just sex" for only the exceptional men that they come across.

Exceptional in what way? I suppose you mean physically exceptional, in this context. Or those men who lok like they don't bother about how slutty a woman is, and who will keep their mouths shut?

Here comes something from my five minutes of our lives. I have mentioned frequently that military bases are beehives in that regard, and if you have a sexual affair, it is most likely to be discovered and the word spreads, especially if you have an affair with regular dates. There will always be someone who can match the duty plans, find out who took weekends or days off together, and if there's an occasional glance or touch that's too intimate, the secret will be blown. Almost certainly. Goes without saying that over the one or other drink too much at the O club, men talk.

For that reason, I'm pretty well trained in keeping my hookups. The guys have to look reasonably well, be attractive to me, and must have a good record of keeping their mouth shut, that's the kind of exceptionality I'm looking for. And especially the last item is always a doubtful case.

Another reason I didn't list is that part of sex is the joy of giving, not just getting oneself off. And some people don't deserve the pleasure you can give them. At least the way I look at it is I don't want to give pleasure to a woman unless she somehow deserves it (which could just mean she is a nice person or something). I'm not good at going into it just for myself. Do any women think like this?

You're right, under normal circumstances. But there are times when all the special things about sex and hookups don't matter, when you're plain-out looking for a fuck, for whatever reason. And that's the situation that many hookups result from.

 

[Nrets]

Think Kink,

How would it strike you if a not straight boy that you had sex with ended up feeling emotionally attached?

 

[Pirate Wench]

I could be wrong....haven't exactly asked around....so this is my 2 cents worth....

I think it is a part of nature for women to become emotionally attached must easier than men....even if the women think they can "turn that off".

No....I wouldn't think so....not so easy.

I'm married and haven't dated in a very long time.....but I know it would be almost impossible for me to not feel some emotional attachment after knowing a man that well physically.

 

[Jovial]

Exceptional in what way? I suppose you mean physically exceptional, in this context. Or those men who lok like they don't bother about how slutty a woman is, and who will keep their mouths shut?

Exceptional could be anything. Like to you it's the guy that can keep his mouth shut (and is attractive). For someone else it could be a guy that she finds so attractive that she doesn't want to pass up the opportunity. Or it could be something like someone of another race just to fulfill a fantasy. Or someone with an exceptionally big cock.

 

[ilovepinkcock]

I'm a woman who hooks up just for sex. I have a lot of fuck buddies. It's great!

 

[AlteredEgo]

I have never met a woman who has never hooked up just for sex. Hooking up just for sex, and telling a man it's just for sex are two different things.

 

[Jovial]

I have never met a woman who has never hooked up just for sex. Hooking up just for sex, and telling a man it's just for sex are two different things.

hmmm...I guess that's part of the reason I don't hook up just for sex often. I like women that are honest about what they want.

And this does set a terrible precedent. Men will always assume when women say it's not just for sex that it really is just for sex. Maybe human sexuality is just too complicated for me to understand. :redface:

 

[The Dragon]

For me, I'm just not in a place where I'm ready for a relationship and even less so for "love".
This doesn't mean that my sex drive dies.
I am very honest with my partners in that I'm not after love and the rules of engagement are discussed before hand.
I think where it gets messy is when people "women" mistake sex and lust for love.
I think a certain level of maturity and self awareness needs to be reached before someone can learn the diffrence.
Just because I like sex and have had sex only partners in the past doesn't for one second mean that I'm not fussy about the men that I invite into my bed.
There has to be a connection of some sort before that happens.
It is an almost indescribable chemistry that makes one man acceptable and another not at all.
What it all boils down to is the individual and their reasons and motives for looking for sex at that particular time and how well their particular partner fits those needs at that time.

 

[3664shaken]

I know I am atypical but I have not interest in relationships. They get banal and messy but that does not mean I want a bunch of one-night stands. I enjoy having sex partners – guys who I can continually call on for fun.

The biggest problem I have found is that guys are usually not mature enough to be in this type of relationship. They are either all or nothing until they get it.

All – they supposedly fall in love, start sending flowers, want monopolize my time, etc.

Nothing – Bang em and leave.

There are very few guys that can have on again off again sex with a woman that they know is also seeing other men and not get jealous. That is why sometime the best bed buddies are married men, they have prior commitments and it makes them safe and they fully understand and “get it.” It’s just sex a physical act that we are doing to mutually satisfy each other.

To be blunt most people do not even know what love is and you do not need love to have sex. You need LUST. (I know I posted on lovemaking vs fucking – but lovemaking is a conventional term and I was epitomizing that sensual sex vs fucking. There really is not such thing as making love.) Love is not a emotion it is a volitional act, A unreserved commitment to the other person.

As far as your reasons go when I was younger I rebelled against my mother who told me very specifically I WAS NOT GOING TO HAVE ANYMORE SEX (she caught me doing it in HER house). Well that is something you never tell a teenager because they will do the very opposite, hence I was a total HS slut and got labeled that, at first it hurt because I didn’t understand – I was giving the boys what they wanted – but then it dawned on me that while slightly spurned by the girls the boys showered me attention and gifts and began to thrive on that.

Emotionally healthy, probably not, I grew up in a very dysfunctional household but I’ve gotten over it. College was a whole different story, sex was rampant at the universities I went to. There were hook-up parties on the weekends and being a slut was almost normal. This really codified my feelings that intrinsically there is nothing wrong with just having sex.

After college I met a great guy, or so I thought and in a brazenly stupid move I got married, it lasted about 6 months and I ended up as a emotional train-wreck and decided it was a lot more fun just to have sex and not become emotionally attached.

That was fifteen years ago and I haven’t looked back since, I am single, but not without companionship and great sex. I am free but also have several men looking after me. I have sex with a variety of men so it never gets boring and if somebody stops performing or doing what I like I can easily replace him.

I honestly do not know why more woman are not like me, except that as some have put they are wired differently, obviously I have short circuit in that wiring but I feel that I am living my life to the fullest.