Why women go off sex.........

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Drifterwood, Mar 10, 2011.

  1. Drifterwood

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  2. Luvhmlrg

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    "Couples with good sex lives, it transpires, meet each other half way. Sometimes one isn't in the mood, but does it anyway and ends up enjoying it. Sometimes a cuddle is enough. But what really struck me was the revelation that in long-term relationships, sexual frustration isn't usually about sex at all: it's about loneliness and rejection.
    And maintaining desire isn't all about hormones and hotel rooms: it's much more a matter of choosing to show your partner you love them - even if you don't always feel like it."

    This is perfectly stated, I couldn't agree more. Thank you Drifterwood for sharing this article.
     
  3. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I found this bit particularly interesting . . .

    . . . because that's always been my take on things. I believe men go back to normal after the first few years as well, but men are usually the ones with the higher base libido.


     
  4. Drifterwood

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    Thank you for saying so, Luvhmlrg.

    And thank you for a great view from behind :wink:.
     
  5. helgaleena

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    If her hormones simmer back down, there are ways for her partner to cajole them back up again, if she's willing. There's the rub. Any number of other factors in life can affect her willingness to give sex priority, from exhaustion to depression to infidelity. Get the whole story.
     
  6. blondbabygirl

    blondbabygirl New Member

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    OMG! I cried because it was like my marriage 12 yrs ago! With me it was my thyroid all but giving up the ghost but we didn't know until the damage had all but ruined our marriage. Thank God we're still together and still trying. I emailed him the link so he can read it tonight when he gets home. I can't wait to talk to him about it. I think tonight might be a wonderful night for us. Thank you so much for posting this!
     
  7. Drifterwood

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    Thanks BBG. I hope it was a great one for you.
     
  8. CapAmerica

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    Yep...that's what I needed, someone else to confirm my sexless marriage is not uncommon and that women continue their cruel punishments....I found this very "dead on" :

    The sudden awareness that, often, this isn't just about thoughtless men expecting sex on tap has made me far more aware that, as women, we use sex to punish, to withhold and to send coded 'You're not getting it right' messages instead of communicating our true feelings.

    Having had sex just 2 times in the past year...I KNOW the freakin' message...I jump thru the freakin' hoops and do the majority of the housework, earn 99 percent of the income and do my share of childcare...and she continues to wonder why I am grumpy and angry...after 12 years of marriage, I'm convinced it's all a joke...

    ymmv.

    I will find this book and give it to her for her birthday in a few months....and maybe a divorce request at the same time...
     
  9. VernalTiger

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    I encourage people to look into some of Bettina Arndt's other publications. She puts together fascinating studies of modern human sexuality, and they make for powerful and relevant reading.
     
  10. helgaleena

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    Cinderfella, I am very sorry that your marriage is in such a state, and yes, by this point it sounds like inevitable divorce for you. Hope your children are not hurt too much. My own parents waited until we were out of the house to do theirs, which in many ways was just as bad as pretense. No sex in your case is just one symptom among many.
     
  11. cbrmale

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    It might be best to read the book by Bettina Arndt because this isn't the case at all. I'm actually involved in a related project which is measuring the testosterone levels of women of many racial backgrounds to provide a clue as to why low female sex drive is common in some cultures and not others. There's a clue.

    Bettina Arndt is a good researcher with good sex therapy backgrounds, and if it was as simple as a man helping out around the home, doing more babysitting or whatever, she would have found it. Unfortunately, it isn't. A few examples were mothers who had ample time for the gym, going out for lunch with their girlfriends, spending hours at their spa, but were unable to manage the effort of half an hours sex with their husbands! And this was in spite of what their husbands did or didn't do around the house (it made little difference to marital sex frequency).
     
  12. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    I read this article when you posted it, but I had to read it again to sort of try and take it all in. As a woman with a husband that has "gone off sex", I can relate to both sides of the fence. Our sex life has taken a hit on many fronts.

    The first hit was WOW. He's addicted to that game and stays up late every night playing it. It's hard to fuck your husband when you don't even go to bed at the same time. This has created a lot of resentment and our little family has suffered for it. No matter how many times I've talked to him, nothing has changed. I wouldn't care so much about him playing it if he paid attention to us. He's a good man but his priorities are different than mine. I feel rejected and lonely, what can I say....

    My undiagnosed health issues were the second hit...and major one at that . It took doctors 3 years and several misdiagnoses to figure out what my chest and abdominal pains were all about. Those pains made movement very painful so I would move around as slowly and gently as possible. Our already paltry sex life took a nosedive. More rejection and loneliness.

    Since then our sex life has been nothing short of pathetic. It's so bad I'm even embarrassed to describe it...even on the internet. :frown: I actually had to tell him one night that I wouldn't have sex anymore in the way we were having it. I told him that I felt like I was a fixture in some glorified masturbation and it was humiliating to me as a woman. If there were any sex life left at that point, it turned to ash. The only time he shows what I would barely call "interest" now is when it is absolutely the most inopportune time to have any kind of sex. It frustrates me because deep down I think he does it that way knowingly, trying to look like an interested husband but knowing he will not have to follow up.

    The newest addition to our sex problems is he thinks he might have low testosterone. I asked him to go to the doctor for it and got the brush off. I fucking give up. Our 15 year anniversary is coming up in April and I have no interest in celebrating. I hate to say it, but the years have made me bitter and resentful inside. So someone should tell Bettina Arndt that she can have my diary...I have no use for it.
     
  13. BuffaloMedic

    BuffaloMedic Member

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    This ^^^

    While I think most of the female posters on here are reasonable, loving women that want an affectionate, romantic partnership, I think many women become disrespectful and try to emasculate their men. Then, when the man tries to kiss their ass, thinking it will make them happy, the women treat them even more disdainfully, as they have no respect for someone they can walk on.

    I've always known I've been into guys. Now, I say fuck it; I don't get treated by men the way I was treated by my wife, and the sex is more fun.
     
  14. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Awww *hugs*. I've been there. I haven't experienced everything you have, but there's a reason why I call one of my ex's the No-Sex-Ex. It sucks. It really does.
     
  15. CapAmerica

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    Ok, I've read the article, found the first chapter of the book online and read that last night...I'm guessing the book is one sad story after the next and offers no help to the problem...just a conclusion that hundreds of thousands of sexually frustrated husbands/partners are not alone in total missery. Hell, my wife still turns me on (and I tell her so, daily), I caught her coming of the shower yesterday and I've not stopped thinking about her curves or wonderfull 38Ds.

    I am so miserable and frustrated. Sorry gang...had to vent again.
     
  16. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    Thank you. *hug back*

    I'm not even a person that needs it all the time, but I do need it! The touching, the pleasure, the intimacy...to not have those things in a marriage hurts terribly. :frown1:
     
  17. johnlucas-1

    johnlucas-1 Member

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    It's simply this.

    Decades long "romantic" relationships are unnatural to the human species.
    The entire foundation we build our societies on is nothing but a lie.
    Maybe that explains why the world is so screwed up.
    Marriage DOES NOT work.

    To be able to stay in that lovey/sexy mode with partner year after year after year after year, it is ALWAYS choice. You have to make yourself want your partner once you've gotten past the honeymoon phase. And some people just don't really want that.

    Paradoxically, human beings are also jealous & possessive wanting to hold one partner all to themselves. This is all out of the instinct to raise children beyond their greatest chance of mortality. This is why people who try to have "open" relationships get moody & antsy when a partner follows through.

    It doesn't make a bit of sense & you have to wonder why The Creator programmed it like this. You have to wonder why we didn't design society differently in a way that more matches our natural functions.

    It's a beautiful thought to have someone love you in that way for the rest of your life. You can have friends for the rest of your life. If not dysfunctional, you can have family for the rest of your life. But not relationships of the "romantic" variety in any other way than try-hard.

    Some can make that lifetime thing come true & have as true a bond in their 60s, 70s & 80s as they did in their 10s & 20s. But that's like Lotto. It's not reality for most people.

    This sexologist is REALLY dealing with reality on this subject & that's refreshing. If a couple wants to go against their inborn grain & mate for life, they have to CHOOSE to. They CANNOT expect it to be automatic.

    I can see someone with a major illness stopping sex. That makes sense. But when you have the ability & you refuse, you have basically ended the relationship right there. The TRUE basis of "romantic" relationships is SEX & SEX ONLY. The other stuff is window dressing.

    Those who are able to become long-termers have to see their partner as a friend & wish to reciprocate out of respect & regard like all friends should do for each other. It's basically the ultimate Friends With Benefits.

    People age & their bodies slowly deteriorate. Sometimes the woman's sex drive is rock bottom, sometimes the man's testosterone is below sea level. It's not fair to hold a grudge against them when life happens but at the same time those who are suffering from the lack of drive have to want to get the drive back. Nothing but simple reciprocation & respect.

    Sex problems are not treated as a medical issue & that's why things never get solved. When sex drives plummet that should be treated just as seriously as when red blood cell counts plummet or airflow is restricted.
    If we want to keep up this façade of society built upon the lifetime romantic union together, then we had better get real on ways to keep those unions together.
    John Lucas
     
  18. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    I have mixed thoughts about what you are saying. On one hand, marriage does fail if people marry due to the high they get from the lust and romance of their partnership. A lot of people do have the tendency to build their relationship expectations off of what they see on tv. On the other hand, marriage does succeed when two people marry each other as best friends and with a clear head. I married my husband 4 years after we met each other, far after the honeymoon period was over. I found that I loved him more, that my love evolved. This is what happens in long-term partnerships and marriages. When the romantic high subsides there has to be other qualities that you love about that person. I've been with my husband 15 years and we've weathered what I can only call a fuckton of problems. Seeing these issues through made us a stronger union, but the key is to see them through. What I posted about mine and my husband's sex issues are not about the sex itself. It's about the loneliness and rejection that comes with it. After 15 years it's heartbreaking to have your significant other not only lose interest in showing you love through touch, but to not even really want to do anything about it, either. When you feel the loneliness and rejection of a sexually absent partner, other instances where you felt that lonely make an unwelcome appearance. In my case. the memories of other times his behavior made me feel this way come right to the surface, which makes me feel even worse. My husband is 35 years old and he's okay with letting our sex life fall off the face of the planet. How, at 37 years old, do I accept this? I resent that I am the only one that seems to care about this, so I've stopped asking about it. I know the healthy thing to do is keep the communication open but the ball is in his court. My husband is a good person, but I can't remain feeling loveless. I hope that he gets with the program, but I remain hopeless on this.

    So while I do believe marriage does work, it only works if you both work it.
     
  19. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    my wife went off sex about a year after her "plumbing" was removed. it was weird. since no fear of getting pregnant,and no monthly period, things picked up in the bedroom. she initiated a lot of sex, which she liked to do. and then it slowed down and became non-existent. and there is no extra marital activity or affairs involved on either party. she just about drove herself and me fucking crazy with hormonal imbalance, but refuses help form the doctor re: hormones. the doctor treats her for anxiety & depression.
     
  20. johnlucas-1

    johnlucas-1 Member

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    And that's why I say it doesn't really work. You can only control what YOU do. You can't really control what someone else does. You can influence them. You can persuade them. But in the end it's ultimately up to them to make the decision.

    You know the more I think about it, the foundations we build our lives upon are utterly flimsy! The ability to make a baby has to be born in a madness where 2 people who probably don't get along long-term come together passionately & sexually. But paradoxically the ability to raise this baby has to be born in sanity where 2 people who get along long-term live together safely nurturing this child to adulthood.

    The shit is simply 180°. Incompatible aims. Yet we build our entire society around this construct. When a woman sees a man as too familiar, she thinks of him as her brother & can't have sex with him. But the dangerous mysterious stranger appeals to her & she can't wait to have sex with him.
    Maybe when the man sees a woman as too familiar, he's seeing her as his sister—maybe even his mother—& can't have sex with her. But that femme fatale intrigues the shit out of him & he can't wait to have sex with her.

    And what does marriage or any long-term relationship do? It turns strangers into the familiar. Familiar = Family. And when strangers become family, like with family they are taken for granted. People often won't do to a stranger what they do to a family member. People will say a friendly hello to people they meet walking on the street or in the supermarket but won't say the same to a family member they see on a regular basis.
    Hell, people treat their distant relatives better than they do their close ones. You may give a hug to the great aunt you see once a year at the family reunion but you don't give a hug to your mama who's there for you every single day.

    It's the distance that keeps relationships vibrant crazy enough. When you see the same person every single day, day in, day out, most hours of that day, there's nothing new. You have already seen it all. Marriage expects that you stay in the same house together all the time. That you sleep in the same bed together all the time.

    It's a broken model & never really worked. Unless people can consciously make their mates exciting, it's always gonna end up like this. After a certain period of time, people get used to each other & take each other for granted. And with no decent time of separation like you may have with friends, there's no chance to find new things.

    I think the antidote to your situation has to deal with the internal. I'm talking about the mind. The human mind is such than even the person themselves don't fully understand what's going on with it. I think when couples share their imaginations with each other that can help renew that "stranger spirit".

    The stuff that goes on in our heads is psycho, man. It's fucked up! Hahahaha! The human mind is full of the most unusual bizarre twisted strange odd freaky things imaginable. It processes all that we have ever seen, heard, smelt, felt, tasted from our senses in our lifetimes & recombines them in the most unpredictable random ways.

    When a person become introspective & travels the interior journey a whole new world opens up. When a couple shares their imaginations with each other, their most guarded secrets, fantasies, & fetishes, they learn new things about each other. They become strange again. There's something to discover now.

    I think that's the only way couples can survive lifetime "romantic" relationships. Not talking about "married 50 years". That milestone means nothing if it's out of habit. Not that "on paper" type of relationship. I'm talking about a vibrant relationship where the 2 WANT to be with each other.

    And even then it may only go as high as 50% because the choice is not all up to one person. If the other party will not be interested no matter what, the union doesn't exist nowhere else but on paper. The whole key before anything else is done is making sure that both sides want to progress. If you are willing to open up & share but the other one just doesn't, it's over simple as that.

    Sexual education is pathetic, I realize this more each & every day. We teach people how to drive, how to read, how to count, how to cook, how to set up home theater systems, but nobody REALLY has more than a trial & error handle on sexual relationships...excuse me "romantic" relationships—one of the most vital relationships of all. Nobody understands what you are supposed to do in these types of relationships. It's not properly taught.

    A 35 year old man shouldn't expect his woman to go without affection & intimacy & there not be any problem. A woman shouldn't expect her man to go without affection & intimacy & there not be any problem. But so many do this. Most of it I think is medical. The human machine runs on nothing but a series of hormones after all. Maybe there's a deficiency. But at the very least be willing to look into the problem. Blaming behavior is easy but behavior is governed strongly by the hormones that fire in the brain.

    When sex drive wanes that's a warning sign. The body is haphazard & full of chaos. Aging causes some components to malfunction & a person may not even realize how he/she has been changed by the malfunction. Fixing these malfunctions is the problem. They don't understand the machine yet so all you get to hear is half-assed behavioral solutions.

    To me, a relationship shouldn't have to be this hard. People do enough "work" at their jobs. It proves to me how weak the "romantic" human relationship is to other human relationships. You can keep enemies longer than you can keep lovers. If a couple wants to make this—the flakiest of all human relationships—work, then the base reason has to be they want it to. 'Cause it sho' ain't part of our nature.
    John Lucas
     
    #20 johnlucas-1, Mar 14, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2011
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