Why women go off sex.........

[helgaleena]

It might be best to read the book by Bettina Arndt because this isn't the case at all. I'm actually involved in a related project which is measuring the testosterone levels of women of many racial backgrounds to provide a clue as to why low female sex drive is common in some cultures and not others. There's a clue.

Bettina Arndt is a good researcher with good sex therapy backgrounds, and if it was as simple as a man helping out around the home, doing more babysitting or whatever, she would have found it. Unfortunately, it isn't. A few examples were mothers who had ample time for the gym, going out for lunch with their girlfriends, spending hours at their spa, but were unable to manage the effort of half an hours sex with their husbands! And this was in spite of what their husbands did or didn't do around the house (it made little difference to marital sex frequency).

I didn't mean to imply doing the housework was the 'ways'; I was thinking more of bedroom techniques and nutritional supplements. The example you give, cbrmale, is of women who didn't want the sex and therefore didn't encourage more of it just because they had the opportunity.

Sex is a two way street and a woman who doesn't want to go halfway is not going to meet her partner in the middle, no matter what. Shame on so many men And women who think that their own sexual frequency is somehow the 'correct' one, and that their partner is wrong to have differing levels.

 

[Drifterwood]

Shame on so many men And women who think that their own sexual frequency is somehow the 'correct' one, and that their partner is wrong to have differing levels.

You are what you are and accepting that in a partnership is equally a two way street.

What do you expect the partner to do whose partner will not meet them on that street?

 

[deleted356736]

Sex is a two way street and a woman who doesn't want to go halfway is not going to meet her partner in the middle, no matter what. Shame on so many men And women who think that their own sexual frequency is somehow the 'correct' one, and that their partner is wrong to have differing levels.

I read where setting rules and boundaries around sex is like saying 'I don't love you enough to compromise on this'. But, unfortunately, this scenario is very, very common. I think I have radiated sexual satisfaction, because I have had a few men confide in me about the lack of sex in their marriages. And then we get online discussions in forums like this and others, although that sample may be biased because men will seek out forums for help when everything else has failed. Nonetheless, sex therapist researchers and the people behind my testosterone research and a lot of others are all looking for the same answer: why do so many women, once they are happily married, refuse to have regular sex with their loved one?

One research project discovered that women married to men who were better educated and / or earned a lot of money were much less likely to go off sex. It was theorised that these women subconsiously traded sex to keep their partner, who they regarded as a 'good catch', interested in them (and to keep other women at bay). My marriage has been very sexual, and I have the double-degree and big money as well. So maybe there's some truth in there.

 

[Drifterwood]

IOne research project discovered that women married to men who were better educated and / or earned a lot of money were much less likely to go off sex. It was theorised that these women subconsiously traded sex to keep their partner, who they regarded as a 'good catch', interested in them (and to keep other women at bay). My marriage has been very sexual, and I have the double-degree and big money as well. So maybe there's some truth in there.

This may just be one of many scenarios, Cbm. I think if someone wants to stay in a relationship, or needs to stay in a relationship, then they make compromises. This is equally true of some women who "cheat" because their men won't have sex with them. The cheating is a compromise.

The problem, IMO, with the modern western marriage construct is that there is often no necessity to compromise. We have a right not to compromise, and if you don't like it, leave the house and send half your money. I'm not even going to delineate this anymore on a gender basis.

Personally, I think that people should have discreet affairs if they are not being satisfied at home. I have quite a lot of experience with married women doing this and none of them wanted to leave their homes, families and husbands.

If you were being starved at home, would you expect to be censured for sneaking out to a restaurant?

 

[AlteredEgo]

There is some truth to what johnlucas-1 is saying. Some. I have noticed that when Coasties get a billet that never deploys, they suddenly start getting divorces. When we were stationed in Boston, and the ship was gone for months at a time, everyone I knew was happily married. Now, my acquaintances are getting violent with each other in some cases, getting divorced in others, and in still others, having that last-ditch-effort baby to try to save the marriage. If the next assignment also does not deploy, they'll be divorced before it is half over.

On the other hand, johnlucas, you contradict yourself. You say precisely what it takes to make a marriage work, and then say it can't work. Of course it can (and does for millions of people).

 

[helgaleena]

You are what you are and accepting that in a partnership is equally a two way street.

What do you expect the partner to do whose partner will not meet them on that street?

There is no one answer to that, as you yourself have acknowledged. But I don't like the idea of indiscretion. Discreet doesn't have to mean secret.

 

[hung15us]

I have mixed thoughts about what you are saying. On one hand, marriage does fail if people marry due to the high they get from the lust and romance of their partnership. A lot of people do have the tendency to build their relationship expectations off of what they see on tv. On the other hand, marriage does succeed when two people marry each other as best friends and with a clear head. I married my husband 4 years after we met each other, far after the honeymoon period was over. I found that I loved him more, that my love evolved. This is what happens in long-term partnerships and marriages. When the romantic high subsides there has to be other qualities that you love about that person. I've been with my husband 15 years and we've weathered what I can only call a fuckton of problems. Seeing these issues through made us a stronger union, but the key is to see them through. What I posted about mine and my husband's sex issues are not about the sex itself. It's about the loneliness and rejection that comes with it. After 15 years it's heartbreaking to have your significant other not only lose interest in showing you love through touch, but to not even really want to do anything about it, either. When you feel the loneliness and rejection of a sexually absent partner, other instances where you felt that lonely make an unwelcome appearance. In my case. the memories of other times his behavior made me feel this way come right to the surface, which makes me feel even worse. My husband is 35 years old and he's okay with letting our sex life fall off the face of the planet. How, at 37 years old, do I accept this? I resent that I am the only one that seems to care about this, so I've stopped asking about it. I know the healthy thing to do is keep the communication open but the ball is in his court. My husband is a good person, but I can't remain feeling loveless. I hope that he gets with the program, but I remain hopeless on this.

So while I do believe marriage does work, it only works if you both work it.

Start with praising him and thanking him and with touching him on the shoulder. You will need to build up his self confidence. Something has pissed him off bad and it is still going on. What ever it was forget it and pay all your attention to him only. Forget you girl friends and all attention must be on him. Don't quiz hime about why he doesn't want sex as that will turn him off more. More kisses, more attention, more touching him, more praising him will do the trick.

 

[poultrygeist]

I have been married twice and in numerous serious relationships. I can offer only personal ideas on the subject.

There are a few must-haves:
both people must be very similar in personality
both people must be strongly sexually attracted to each other
both people must have good self-esteems
both people must also have an ability to self-sacrifice
both people must be willing to occasionally argue
both people must be willing to talk AND listen
both people must be wanting the relationship to work no matter what
both people must be natural hard workers
both people must be unafraid of conflict
both people MUST have a sense of us against the world

The problem is not that either person has these traits or that both have some traits, but that both must have all traits (and probably more).

The way I see it is that it is difficult enough for one person to have/get/develop all these traits. To have two people get/have/develop these traits AND find each other is damn near a miracle.

As I've said before, my wife are both bisexual (she is admittedly heavily in favor of being lesbian, and I'm predominantly gay). If we can find love, sex and companionship with these genetic obstacles to marriage, then anyone can. But then again, both my wife and I have the above musts.

 

[D_Rosalind Mussell]

Start with praising him and thanking him and with touching him on the shoulder. You will need to build up his self confidence. Something has pissed him off bad and it is still going on. What ever it was forget it and pay all your attention to him only. Forget you girl friends and all attention must be on him. Don't quiz hime about why he doesn't want sex as that will turn him off more. More kisses, more attention, more touching him, more praising him will do the trick.

While I appreciate the advice, it does not suit my situation. Thanks for your input, though.

 

[The Dragon]

Why do women go off sex?

They deal with the mindless muppets that post in the women's forum.
Every time I read their crap my gay percentage rises.

 

[MickeyLee]

Why do women go off sex?

They deal with the mindless muppets that post in the women's forum.
Every time I read their crap my gay percentage rises.

my evil plan comes to fruition! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

 

[The Dragon]

You evil bint!

Ps....I didn't have to deal with know it all know nothing fuckwits to be fully gay for you, Sweetheart!

 

[helgaleena]

Why do women go off sex?

They deal with the mindless muppets that post in the women's forum.
Every time I read their crap my gay percentage rises.

Manly Bannisters and I could be exceptions? :salook:

 

[The Dragon]

I should have written "male" mindless muppets but I thought that would be a given.

 

[ManofThunder]

I should have written "male" mindless muppets but I thought that would be a given.

A given it was. :tongue:

 

[Drifterwood]

My group sex tendencies are clearly stronger than my ability to stay on topic.

 

[The Dragon]

WOOT!

Flesh pile! First one to the bottom wins!

 

[Drifterwood]

WOOT!

Flesh pile! First one to the bottom wins!

I was at your bottom half an hour ago, diggeddy diggeddy :tongue:

 

[The Dragon]

Again?

 

[Drifterwood]

You need to ask?