Why you should not shave your butt

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Calboner, Nov 15, 2008.

  1. Calboner

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    Copied from The Best of Craig's List, Los Angeles:

    Originally Posted: Thu, 1 Jul 14:15 PDT
    WARNING!!!

    Date: 2004-07-01, 2:15PM PDT


    Don't Shave That Hair!!!
    I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

    No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

    I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

    I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

    Little did I know.

    I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

    Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

    Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

    Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

    As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

    Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!




    PostingID: 35274458

    Copyright © 2008 craigslist, inc.
     
  2. D_CountdeGrandePinja

    D_CountdeGrandePinja Account Disabled

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    If we weren't to have hair - we would not have been gifted with it - God doesn't make any junk!
     
  3. rd62624

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    I hear you bro. When i was younger ( 21 or 22) a girl i was with said that i was too hairy. I decided to shave it off. I shaved it all off my cheeks , it itched like i was sitting on a wool blanket , i said to myself never again they have to take my as i am.
     
  4. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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  5. B_Nick8

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    All righty, then. :eek:

    Thanks for that, I guess, Cal. :rolleyes:

    I, um, disagree, but I'd rather not get into the nitty-gritty of it all, if it's the same to you. :biggrin1:
     
  6. Calboner

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    I probably ought to have said that I don't necessarily agree with this guy's view. I just posted the text because it's so funny, especially the paragraph that begins "Unfortunately again" and the paragraph following that.
     
  7. Scrufuss

    Scrufuss New Member

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    "Grogans" also called "Dinglberries" are called "Klingon's" by some of the Nerdistic clans...
     
    #7 Scrufuss, Nov 15, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2008
  8. Domisoldo

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    Cal,

    Your candor and clinical precision are...refreshing.

    However, as many guys, I mostly have crack hair, not cheek hair, and when I shave it (every 3-4 weeks), I only try to cut it down, not off. I don't seem to have ever experienced your spectacular condition.
     
  9. chadstallion

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    funny post; butt, seriously:

    I shave mine twice a week. aside from not using much toilet paper and being super clean, its nearly always ready for that last minute salad tossing thing....lol
     
  10. Smartalk

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    What about those guys who are natyrally smooth in their butt crack !!!

    I have to agree baby wipes are brill for making you clean and feeling fresh.
     
  11. Calboner

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    MY candor and precision? How explicit do I have to be for people not to think that I am the guy in the passage that I quote? I said that I QUOTE! I cited the fucking source at the beginning and at the end of the post, including the date, which is in 2004.
     
  12. Domisoldo

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    Hmmm! That was a compliment. Besides, absent an editorial caveat, readers may assume that the quoted source reflects the opinion of the poster.

    So, on which side of the razor blade do you stand?
     
  13. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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  14. Domisoldo

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    Butt do you comb that administrative crack before each event?
     
  15. Calboner

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    I guess I really fucked this one up. I posted the passage because I thought it was funny and I thought that it would particularly attract attention on this site. I tried to make clear that I was not the author of the passage, but I said nothing about the validity of the opinions expressed in it because I didn't think the question relevant to the humor.

    To answer Domisoldo's question, though, I tried shaving my butt a couple of times and both times the skin got irritated, so I have not done it again. I do trim the hair, especially in the crack, and I have never developed a vacuum-sealed fart vault, discharged nauseating blasts of shit odor, or had any of the other misfortunes that the author of the post describes.
     
  16. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    I'll have you know that it's the neatest hair part on LPSG.
     
  17. Scrufuss

    Scrufuss New Member

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    Do you shampoo and condition it and make it smell lemony fresh?
     
  18. Smartalk

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    Hey Calboner,

    When you refer to "the passage" is that reference to a "text passage" or the "back passage"....!!!!
     
  19. sasquatch

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    Also "chuffnuts".

    Funniest thing I've read in ages!
     
  20. Chgo_hung

    Chgo_hung New Member

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    Toilet paper obviously doesn't clean very well anyway. How about investing in a bidget like this one: www.biobidet.com. Once you have one in your house you would never go back to dirty cave-man TP again. If you've ever taken a vacation to Europe you would feel like America is 100-years behind in bathroom hygiene....
     
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