Why ....

[Ecchi]

I've been thinking about college again ... yes, in many ways I'm very happy in my 'house pet' role as some of my friends call it ... but ... I want to be able to say I DID something at least semi notable and respectable with my life. But ... as is usual and the norm with me ... I'm afraid. Afraid of what ... failure ... people ... afraid my level of intelligence isn't anywhere what I need for college. I know in alot of ways I'm making excuses not to go, but why? Why do I pull myself in two entirely different directions like this? Am I subconsciously self-hating somehow? I don't understand.

It makes it even harder cuz Kris knows how upset I am ... nothing hurts me worse than knowing how loved I am ... and how hard I make it on others because what a miserable person I am. I don't want anyone to have to shoulder the load of my sorrow, and look at me, crying to you all. I guess because you all are mature and wise in ways I am not ... I just wish I knew why. I percieve things as so hard sometimes, and yet, how bad do I really have it? I haven't had to work in over two years ... not that I could find a job despite my efforts anyway ... Hell I don't know anymore.

And to think this all started because I thought about going to college. I hate myself.

 

[Royal_T]

Ecchi, it sounds like you have a lot going on when it comes to this stuff.
Still, I think that your underlying problem is low self-confidence all around. Im also not really clear on how you are a "house pet" (and i hope its not as demeaning as it could sound).

Anyway, it sounds like you are making a mistake that is very common aming those who 'hate' themselves as you say. One critical thing you can do is to start the long process of 'finding yourself' or whatever you wan tot call it. It seems liek you are judging yourself based on your impressions of what others think of you. (eg: you want to do something 'respectable and notable with your life&#39
You should know that it is your opinion and decisions about your life that matter more than anyone else's. I wouldnt be at all suprised if you are actually a lot smarter than you think you are, and you need to find ways to demonstrate that to yourself.

As far any "wisdom" that you think other lpsg members have that you dont, if anything, it's probably little more than the benefit of life experience. I checked your profile, and Im only about 1 year older than you, and Ive been dealing with the same kinds of problems for a while now, and it seems that we are both just wise enough to know we are not wise.

Now as for being miserable and being pulled in two differnt ways, I have a lost of expereince with that, and I eventually had to bite the bullet, and get some professional help. Its made a lot of difference for me, and if you think you are interested, you might want to look into that too.

I hope that something here can help with how you are feeling, and I know Im not the only one on this board who'd be ahppy to help where I can if you need to talk about it further.

Dont give up on yourself

Mike

EDIT - I forgot one thing. With the college thing, you do have time to go now or even later if you have to, and the atmosphere might be really good for you, but dont decide to go just because you think you have to. I went late (compared to most), and its one of the best decisions I have ever made, partly because I know Im there for my reasons, not my parents, or others'.

 

[Ecchi]

Me and Kris talked last night when I went to bed ... it wasn't the most comfortable or productive talk, since I was still very upset, but a key point came up ... Kris does tend to be really really protective of me, seeing as how I am as emotionally fragile and as scared of social situations as I am. She says that creates a problem because really, it's keeping me from growing and maturing fully. My experiences with the world ... simply make me afraid to attempt to do anything. This doesn't make Kris love me any less ... she'll stand by my side no matter what it seems. But ... I need to grow and blossom ... and I have to make the steps without someone holding my hand. So afraid I'm going to fall ...

To Royal ... the house pet thing is kinda a running gag amongst friends ... I'm for all intents a homebody who does chores during the week while Kris is away from home, taking care of the house while she's away, taking care of her when she comes home.

And as for professional help ... I've had that before, years ago. Didn't help.

 

[13788]

carolinacurious: Sorry, I'm running short on time and this will be sort of hit and run. Don't take it as callous.

"And as for professional help ... I've had that before, years ago. Didn't help."

It may not be for you but sometimes it's a matter of finding the right person.



College: Ok, lets say you go to college and fail (worse case), you're exactly where you are now but you've learned something about yourself that you don't know now. So it sounds like to me you're better off even if you fail. And the good news is you probably won't fail.

Do you have any idea of what you would like to pursue in college?

 

[Ecchi]

Creative writing and basic psychology are the frontrunners. I love to write, in terms of poetry and short stories ... psychology ... I've thought to myself over the past year, I'd like to become a counselor of some sort, since I do like to help people that way.

 

[Pene_Negro_Grande]

Ecchi - glad to see you back...Dude - you got to get out there...Personally - I think college would be great for you...Like I said before I use to be really shy and withdrawn in my teen years - but college really helped me out of that shell...I mean personally don't think I learned that much and I have a double degree but definitely taught me to interact w/many types of people and in any social setting...You might just need that for therapy - throw yourself into something that makes you uncomfortable - it seems to work for phobias - and you sound a bit gorraphobic (probably misspelling)...Also something I have been wondering - how did you meet Kris - since you have problems meeting people...Glad you found her though - she sounds like a wonderful mate...Personally I believe that you would do well in psychology since you have a great understanding of yourself and I am sure you can help others in similar situations...Take care of yourself and Kris...

 

[Royal_T]

Hey Ecchi,

I definitely dont believe in pushing people to get therapy, but I have to agree with carolinacurious: a new therapist can make all the diference. You might have just had the wrong person before, or the help came at the wrong time.
I just went through this same basic issue in the past year, and it sounds to me (but im no expert) like you might have a kind of social anxiety that is pretty common.

No one in my real life really knows this about me, but I'm on some meds for anxiety and depression. At first I was against it in principle, but I cant argue with the results.
Some other treatments can be pretty effective for that kind of thing too, including simple, regular exercise.

My advice is to go to college, but make sure to do more than just go to classes. Take advantage of the campus life, soak up the atmosphere, and maybe joins some clubs to meet people who are interested in the same things. But you should make sure to do whatever you need to do to help yourself. And if you find that your hating yourself again, youre always welcome to swing by lpsg and vent.

Hope this isnt to preachy... I'll shut up now

 

[13788]

doubtless_mouse: Ecchi - a fear of failure is actually fairly normal and more than likely means you would strive harder to succeed when you do go to school. The only real thing I can tell you is You will fail if you do not try. I remember a quote about the word can't, "If you say you can't do something, then you are right." Fear is not a bad thing, unless you let it control you. Most people have fears, fears of rejection, failure, being seen as different but they do not let these fears control their lives, that is what makes a fear dangerous. Recommend you get out and take a course or two (nothing says you have to go full time taking 9,000 credit hours at once). Start with something you know you will do well in then expand from there. If you like writing then recommend you start there. Think you will find in short order that the hardest part of the journey is starting it.

Ramblings from the Mouse