I've been thinking about college again ... yes, in many ways I'm very happy in my 'house pet' role as some of my friends call it ... but ... I want to be able to say I DID something at least semi notable and respectable with my life. But ... as is usual and the norm with me ... I'm afraid. Afraid of what ... failure ... people ... afraid my level of intelligence isn't anywhere what I need for college. I know in alot of ways I'm making excuses not to go, but why? Why do I pull myself in two entirely different directions like this? Am I subconsciously self-hating somehow? I don't understand. It makes it even harder cuz Kris knows how upset I am ... nothing hurts me worse than knowing how loved I am ... and how hard I make it on others because what a miserable person I am. I don't want anyone to have to shoulder the load of my sorrow, and look at me, crying to you all. I guess because you all are mature and wise in ways I am not ... I just wish I knew why. I percieve things as so hard sometimes, and yet, how bad do I really have it? I haven't had to work in over two years ... not that I could find a job despite my efforts anyway ... Hell I don't know anymore. And to think this all started because I thought about going to college. I hate myself.