Wife and her ex...

[shybutwhy]

alteredego, you CAN'T be serious!!

theres a reason an ex is an ex, and thats because you aren't together anymore and that whole "friends" approach is BS it can never work with any sexual tension. especcially if you're in another relationship. your current relationship is your priority and if you can't handle that then you shouldn't be involved with that person because it isn't fair to them.

why would she even AGREE to get drinks with him in the first place? and then smoke weed? look man if she isnt a pothead/alcoholic then that definitely isn't something she should be doing with another man, let alone her ex.

alteredego, keep the "mature, open communication" + "trust" argument for another topic. this one is as clear as crystal.


bigblack9: its better to be safe than sorry. i've been cheated on. i am young and it shouldn't be half as important in the long run as your situation but believe me the truth will hurt at first but it shall set you free. and if your not being played then at least you get passed that. just be careful how you go about asking/investigating, dont wanna ruin a relationship that is actually working.

 

[AlteredEgo]

alteredego, you CAN'T be serious!!

theres a reason an ex is an ex, and thats because you aren't together anymore and that whole "friends" approach is BS it can never work with any sexual tension. especcially if you're in another relationship. your current relationship is your priority and if you can't handle that then you shouldn't be involved with that person because it isn't fair to them.

why would she even AGREE to get drinks with him in the first place? and then smoke weed? look man if she isnt a pothead/alcoholic then that definitely isn't something she should be doing with another man, let alone her ex.

alteredego, keep the "mature, open communication" + "trust" argument for another topic. this one is as clear as crystal.


bigblack9: its better to be safe than sorry. i've been cheated on. i am young and it shouldn't be half as important in the long run as your situation but believe me the truth will hurt at first but it shall set you free. and if your not being played then at least you get passed that. just be careful how you go about asking/investigating, dont wanna ruin a relationship that is actually working.

Spoken like an immature control freak. I don't have sexual tension with my exes, and if I did, I wouldn't keep them as friends. One of my exes has been an ex for so long he doesn't even look remotely like someone to whom I'd ever be attracted. Another one, I couldn't get wet for in a bathtub at this point because of the issues which broke us up. I could keep going down the list similarly. Any tension they might feel is theirs with which to deal. If they feel uncomfortable with our friendships, they're certainly welcome to discontinue them. In fact, one ex did just that a few years ago. You were the victim of infidelity once? So was I! I don't go around smothering the hell out of the next guy because of the weak character of the last guy. If after all this time I felt this man really should not be trusted, I would never have married him, and I assume he feels the same about me. So far, he's met one of my exes, and didn't like him one bit. He now insists that if I want to spend any time with that man, I do so without him having to go along. We do just fine, and always talk out any weird feelings we're having.


"mature, open communication" + "trust" are not arguments, they are requirements for a relationship that is going to last. It doesn't surprise me for a second that so few people can grasp this. Look at the divorce rate; it's reflective. In fact, look through the Relationship section of this site. How many threads have been started by people who never even so much as asked their so-called significant other if they were an exclusive couple, how they feel about abortion, when was the last time they had sex before the first time hey had sex together, how routinely they set screened for STD's when the last time they had sexual contact of any type without benefit of prophylactic measures, and many more questions they should ask if open communication is important to them or a skill-set they possess.

You come across as very young, and very immature.

 

[D_Bemeslay Bugthorpe Boobtube III]

I'd like to hear back from the thread starter.

Alter Ego, I see you're point of view definitely. I just disagree. Going out for drinks or dinner with an ex = not cool.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I'd like to hear back from the thread starter.

Alter Ego, I see you're point of view definitely. I just disagree. Going out for drinks or dinner with an ex = not cool.

I think we can agree to disagree safely. :smile:

Did you read the whole thread? I'm not sure what more there is for the OP to say. His wife smoked some pot, and wanted the taste out of her mouth before kissing him. The ex made a move, but she rejected it. She has agreed not to see him anymore.

 

[RamIt]

I know if I smoked up with an ex I would want a blower.........

I have a couple exes that would do it too. Sure, exes are just that for a reason, but that reason might not be unwillingness to give head.

 

[YBNB]

She cheated on you. Shit happens when you marry a whore.

 

[biggunlover]

Seeing an ex- when she's cheated before.........not cool
Seeing an ex- when she's married and supposed to be faithful to one......inappropriate
Seeing an ex- after inviting the husband to go along and the husband not objecting shows a lack of care on the part of the wife that wanted to see the ex-........her wants for her husband to be along should have trumped seeing or having a drink with her ex-
Seeing the ex- raises expectations with the husband that she could have nipped in the bud by a little bit of consideration of the person she is supposed to love most and not lust less
Seeing the ex- just not a good idea based on history given
Now go out and do the right thing!

 

[shybutwhy]

alteredego: immature LOL! perhaps this is why i chuckle every time i log in to this site.

im really not. im just one of the few passionate human beings who refuse to let the weather of time erode my soul to the point where i need to put up with my wife wanting to go out for drinks with her ex just to stay happy. then again i am very young.

fuck that the world is full of women that actually continue to search for passion in their relationship, not plateau and backtrack through their "romantic catalogue" to see who they can befriend, and possibly use as a tool to manipulate their husband with.

i know your type, just like MY ex. always in need of being right so theyre willing to ruin a perfectly fine relationship just because they wanna be friends with their "ex".

i seem immature, yeah right, you seem like a self-righteous closet-whore.

"dont ever trust a woman that says she just has a friend"
- Biz Markie....

 

[AlteredEgo]

You're a presumptuous little bitch, aren't you? MY MARRIAGE is in no danger. MY HUSBAND is not an insecure little pansy. He doesn't like the one ex he met, but knows why I do. He isn't even a little worried that another ex picks me up from the depot anytime I take a bus back home instead of driving. In fact, my man's glad someone can make sure I get to Grandma's safely when he's not able to go with me. He never gets stressed out when I'm cooing over pictures of yet another ex's baby. His career takes him away from me for months at a time, and still he never frets. He didn't come into my life to disrupt it, but rather to improve it. He knows that some people make terrible partners, but can still provide respectful, loving, and resourceful friendships for each other. So, when we were awakened one night because an inconsolable ex called to ask me what he should do about his insane woman and her crazy antics, my man whispered, "Go talk out there, but be back in here before I wake up, Hunny." (A major house rule is that I am in bed before he wakes up for work, no matter what.) That's right, he was willing to give up a precious (and rare) night of spooning so that I could be there for a friend, even if that friend is the one ex who rubs him the wrong way. He knows these guys aren't just some guys i used to fuck. He knows that as far as I am concerned, they are friends first, and ex's second. I do not choose his friends, so I'll be damned if he chooses mine.

You may be passionate, but you're also a controlling, insecure wimp who can't handle the presence of anyone who knows exactly what you have. That doesn't describe my husband at all. He's sure of my love for and devotion to him, knows I'd always choose our life together over sex with anyone else, and has experienced first-hand the depths of my loyalty.

We are not at any kind of plateau. Not emotionally, not sexually, and not practically. The last time I saw him, I'd driven 15 hours through snow and sleet just to meet up with his ship for a long weekend. He was recalled ahead of schedule, and we cried in each others' arms for an hour. How's that for a lack of passion? What kind of plateau does that describe? I haven't needed to "backtrack" through any "romantic catalogue" since nearly all of my past relationships ended on great terms. There was sadness, sure, but never any bitterness (with one exception). I was already into platonic friendships with all of them before I started dating my husband. Once I had my heart and mind set on this man I went through a period of celibacy until he was ready to sleep with me, because I only wanted to be with him.

If only your communication skills were as strong as your passion, maybe you wouldn't be bitter and myopic right now. Maybe, like we do, you'd have a strong, thriving romance- the kind about which they write stories. And just maybe, you'd also have a lot more friends.

But... uh... you keep taking relationship advice from a homeless, junkie rapper if you want. I'm sure that's going to help.

alteredego: immature LOL! perhaps this is why i chuckle every time i log in to this site.

im really not. im just one of the few passionate human beings who refuse to let the weather of time erode my soul to the point where i need to put up with my wife wanting to go out for drinks with her ex just to stay happy. then again i am very young.

fuck that the world is full of women that actually continue to search for passion in their relationship, not plateau and backtrack through their "romantic catalogue" to see who they can befriend, and possibly use as a tool to manipulate their husband with.

i know your type, just like MY ex. always in need of being right so theyre willing to ruin a perfectly fine relationship just because they wanna be friends with their "ex".

i seem immature, yeah right, you seem like a self-righteous closet-whore.

"dont ever trust a woman that says she just has a friend"
- Biz Markie....

 

[shybutwhy]

wow! lol nice response. who are you trying to convince, me or you?

tell your ex to be a man and do the healthy thing with his emotions, keep them tightly bottled in LOL, otherwise find an emotional outlet other than one you used to have your penis in.

does your husband get out of bed to go help his ex's?

answer the first question i asked you, don't respond with all this irrelevant bullshit. your husband could easily be repressing a SHITLOAD of problematic feelings.

as for biz markie, i wish i had heard that song B4 the same thing happened to me, as well as several other men i know. for all we know you could be lying out of your ass and the whole time you're out blowing your ex too. fuckin' skeezer, show your man some respect and delete your ex(s) from your memory before life throws you a curveball and your left with nothing but "friends/exs".....

and as for me having no friends LOL!! im not the one who befriends ex lovers in need to make more. nor did i join a site about a reproductive organ i do not possess (just what exactly is a married, FAITHFUL woman doing on this site?).

and LMAO! at your assumption that none of these guys you still talk to dont have bad intentions. once again, willing to bet that every ex you talk to still secretly thinks they can hit it.

 

[D_Hyacinth Harrytwat]

wow! lol nice response. who are you trying to convince, me or you?

You, silly. You're the one who doesn't think women are capable of keeping their exes as friends and she's proving that they can. That wasn't irrelevant bullshit, she was reinforcing a point with examples.

tell your ex to be a man and do the healthy thing with his emotions, keep them tightly bottled in LOL, otherwise find an emotional outlet other than one you used to have your penis in.

So if a man is angry that his wife is hanging out with her exes, he should keep that emotion bottled up too, right? He shouldn't tell her how he feels?

as for biz markie, i wish i had heard that song B4 the same thing happened to me, as well as several other men i know...

You know, us women get cheated on too :wink: Who doesn't get cheated on? Clean slate with every new person you meet, rather than dragging grudges and bitterness from one relationship to the next.

im not the one who befriends ex lovers in need to make more. nor did i join a site about a reproductive organ i do not possess (just what exactly is a married, FAITHFUL woman doing on this site?).

Not looking for fuck-buddies, that's what. Some men and women are here because our partners have large penises.

and LMAO! at your assumption that none of these guys you still talk to dont have bad intentions. once again, willing to bet that every ex you talk to still secretly thinks they can hit it.

Who cares about their intentions? If he does make a move, that's being extremely disrespectful and a woman who respects her relationship will put him back in his place. A woman doesn't need constant baby-sitting or someone to make all her decision for her.

I just have this awful visual of what you would do to her wife! Deprive her of male friends, keep her on a short leash with horse-blinders when you take her out, lock her up if you have to take your eye off of her for a second...

 

[driftingvoid]

Yawn. :lame:

:hijacked:

At this point, this thread really does not need to be continued unless the OP comes back and makes another comment. It sounds like he did what was suggested, and talked to her, and was satisfied with his wife's response.
Sure, some people could logically question her ex's "move" on her, and how far it went before she rejected him-- there are plenty of women who would say "he made a move on me but i rejected him" to mask the fact that something did start, but then they decided to stop it; and there's also a lot of women who actually do have some integrity and stop things before they start. The simple fact is that we cannot know. If something happened, that was kept secret, and neither the ex or the wife decide to come forward to the husband, than that's as far as it will go. Continuing to reply on some forum isn't going to change that; we can speculate all day long, but, at the end of the day, it's just that: speculation.
As for AlteredEgo and shybutwhy, for what it's worth:
You both represent valid viewpoints, on very different ends of a spectrum. My personal views are that shybutwhy has been hurt and is rather bitter about it, and isn't ready to let that happen again. It doesn't make his viewpoint any less valid; sure, it's something he will eventually need to get over to truly enjoy a loving relationship in all of its essence. And sure, some people might elect to assert that, because it's something "he will eventually need to get over," it is indicative of maturity; I wouldn't step as far as to claim that: I say this is how he copes with the pain one or more woman inflicted on him. AlteredEgo makes very good points about how thingis should be. And maybe she actually does have a relationship that's as honest and loving as she claims; if she does, more power to her. It's hard to believe because so often one person abuses that trust. It's hard for a lot of guys to believe, because it's a situation where the girl is the one being trusted, and a lot of guys don't have faith in situations like that because sex is a lot easier for girls: all a girl has to do is let it happen, and it most likely will; if a guy wants to cheat, most of the time he has to make it happen, and there's a good chance he'll fail. I used to believe in what AlteredEgo says, and think I had that kind of relationship. I believed in her philosophy right up until the day I found out my girlfriend didn't stop some guy, who she had a crush on, when he came onto her. Now, I don't know what I believe. Ultimately, we should try to let ourselves trust in a way that AlteredEgo suggests. Ultimately, we will need to get over our bitterness about the past, if we're going to be able to fully enjoy a relationship in the future. For those of us who can't, yet, I don't think it's a sign of immaturity-- unless we're trying to convince everyone to side with us; I think it's just a sign that we're not ready to take that step again.

 

[shybutwhy]

well put.

and oh supercrayon, i was joking about the bottled in thing. you know the "lol" should've been a hint but whatever...

as for my biz markie quote, when a man cheats on a woman its spontaneous the majority of the time, and not with a so-called "friend".

and if you were my wife, your right, i would keep you on a leash. tied to the back of my fuckin car....

 

[AlteredEgo]

Crayon, don't talk to shybutwhy. It does no good. He doesn't get it, and isn't even mature enough to agree to disagree.

 

[Mr_Cumalot]

Altered ego has no need to defend herself as a very faithful wife to her husband, regardless of friends. A girl could cheat with anyone let alone an ex. What would you have? She keep no male friends? I had a girl that hated me having female friends...guess which one of up cheated. I think the trouble some guys have is that they have all experienced the girl that says 'he came onto me and i rejected it' but actually shared a clinch. Then when the next girl says that your mind runs wild.

 

[AlteredEgo]

I say this is how he copes with the pain one or more woman inflicted on him.

I hadn't thought about it that way. It's possible that you are correct. I still think that projecting his pain onto the relationships of pthers is incredibly immature, not to mention unfair.

AlteredEgo makes very good points about how thingis should be. And maybe she actually does have a relationship that's as honest and loving as she claims; if she does, more power to her.

No one has ever cheated on my husband, so it's not difficult for him to trust me. The one of us which has to do a lot of deep digging inside to trust the other is me. One of my exes, the one I loved the most of all of them, the only ex I had ever wanted to marry did cheat on me over, and over, and over. In fact, in order to ever be able to open myself to another man that way, I had to make up with him. I had to learn to accept that man for who he was, get him to talk to me after all the years which passed, and get him to really answer my questions and help me close that chapter. Do ou know how hard it is to trust a man who travels to exotic locations, and tans at nude beaches without me for two months at a time after being completely fooled by some other guy for six whole years? I knew though, that if I wanted it to work with my current, I couldn't punnish him for the actions of an ex. It was hard work, and in a lot of ways, it is ongong work. It took a lot of patience, and lots of free-flowing, blameless, and honest communication with my man to get this far, and we just take our relationship one day at a time. It's mostly great days, which is any of us can hope for, I think.

I believed in her philosophy right up until the day I found out my girlfriend didn't stop some guy, who she had a crush on, when he came onto her. Now, I don't know what I believe.

I believe the key here is that your girlfriend had a crush on the guy, and opted to spend time with him anyway. I don't do that. I don't miss any of my exes. They are great guys, but not for me. I have two exes I wouldn't trust myself to spend time with. One I never have any contact with him, and the other I only ever speak to on the phone. Between us there is still sexual tension, and it's mutual, so I'd never agree to see him. I'd like to think I would be responsible, but I see not reason to put myself in that situation. In fact the only reason we have any contact at all is something traumatic and incredibly violent happened to us on our first date. I still have PTSD from it. You don't just casually throw away a person if you'e gone through something like that together. We never, ever talk about that afternoon, but in the silences, we both know we're thinking about it, and about a certain little boy, who may or may not be dead. Anyway. She should never have spent time with someone she wanted to be with. That's where it went wrong. I don't want to be with my exes. They know if they hit on me, I'll never speak to them again.

For those of us who can't, yet, I don't think it's a sign of immaturity-- unless we're trying to convince everyone to side with us; I think it's just a sign that we're not ready to take that step again.

I don't know. I'm still thinking about this, even as I respond. I think, if this is an area in which you are still growing, this is an area in which you are immature. Isn't that the definition of immature? Still, you may be right. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

Altered ego has no need to defend herself as a very faithful wife to her husband, regardless of friends. A girl could cheat with anyone let alone an ex. What would you have? She keep no male friends? I had a girl that hated me having female friends...guess which one of up cheated. I think the trouble some guys have is that they have all experienced the girl that says 'he came onto me and i rejected it' but actually shared a clinch. Then when the next girl says that your mind runs wild.

I think you know my philosophy, Cumalot. I think we spoke about it before. I feel that the less a person trusts me, the less trustworthy they are. I feel that most of us expect the rest of us to respond to any given stimulus in the way in which we would respond to said stimulus. Therefore, if a person doesn't trust us to behave in a given situation, it's often because they wouldn't behave in that same situation. So it doesn't surprise me that she's the one who cheated. Thank you for understanding me.

Oh, and SuperCrayon, I forgot to thank you for saying nearly exactly what I would have said earlier.

 

[Trouty]

I have no problem with my wife having male friends. She used to work in a male dominated work place and many of her collegaues became my friends. HOWEVER, I would draw the line at her being alone with an ex or a male friend who I didn't like. I'm a man and not a pussy and don't expect to be walked over by the woman who I promised to share the rest of my life with - end of.

 

[driftingvoid]

I hadn't thought about it that way. It's possible that you are correct. I still think that projecting his pain onto the relationships of pthers is incredibly immature, not to mention unfair.
No one has ever cheated on my husband, so it's not difficult for him to trust me. The one of us which has to do a lot of deep digging inside to trust the other is me. One of my exes, the one I loved the most of all of them, the only ex I had ever wanted to marry did cheat on me over, and over, and over. In fact, in order to ever be able to open myself to another man that way, I had to make up with him. I had to learn to accept that man for who he was, get him to talk to me after all the years which passed, and get him to really answer my questions and help me close that chapter. Do ou know how hard it is to trust a man who travels to exotic locations, and tans at nude beaches without me for two months at a time after being completely fooled by some other guy for six whole years? I knew though, that if I wanted it to work with my current, I couldn't punnish him for the actions of an ex. It was hard work, and in a lot of ways, it is ongong work. It took a lot of patience, and lots of free-flowing, blameless, and honest communication with my man to get this far, and we just take our relationship one day at a time. It's mostly great days, which is any of us can hope for, I think.
I believe the key here is that your girlfriend had a crush on the guy, and opted to spend time with him anyway. I don't do that. I don't miss any of my exes. They are great guys, but not for me. I have two exes I wouldn't trust myself to spend time with. One I never have any contact with him, and the other I only ever speak to on the phone. Between us there is still sexual tension, and it's mutual, so I'd never agree to see him. I'd like to think I would be responsible, but I see not reason to put myself in that situation. In fact the only reason we have any contact at all is something traumatic and incredibly violent happened to us on our first date. I still have PTSD from it. You don't just casually throw away a person if you'e gone through something like that together. We never, ever talk about that afternoon, but in the silences, we both know we're thinking about it, and about a certain little boy, who may or may not be dead. Anyway. She should never have spent time with someone she wanted to be with. That's where it went wrong. I don't want to be with my exes. They know if they hit on me, I'll never speak to them again.

I don't know. I'm still thinking about this, even as I respond. I think, if this is an area in which you are still growing, this is an area in which you are immature. Isn't that the definition of immature? Still, you may be right. Thank you for giving me something to think about.

I think you know my philosophy, Cumalot. I think we spoke about it before. I feel that the less a person trusts me, the less trustworthy they are. I feel that most of us expect the rest of us to respond to any given stimulus in the way in which we would respond to said stimulus. Therefore, if a person doesn't trust us to behave in a given situation, it's often because they wouldn't behave in that same situation. So it doesn't surprise me that she's the one who cheated. Thank you for understanding me.

Oh, and SuperCrayon, I forgot to thank you for saying nearly exactly what I would have said earlier.

Replying to your comment about immaturity, you are indeed correct. A learning process is indicative of a void, or "immaturity." But here's my question to you: aren't we all learning something, in one form or another? I think we (should) "draw the line," encompassing those who we talk down to, between those who recognize a weakness or area for improvement and try to overcome that, and those who don't recognize or don't try.
If I see a kid who acts young, but I can tell that he or she is cognizant of that and makes an effort to avoid immature behavior, I don't regard that person as "immature." Conversely, if I meet some little punk who's proud of what they don't know and has no apparent aspirations to "grow up" ... yeah, they get written down as immature in my book.

I applaud you for having the integrity to distance yourself from people you see as a possible threat to your relationship with your husband. If only more people had that integrity, or the prudence to think things out to that extent, maybe trust wouldn't be such a god damned hard thing to have with another. So, that's my way of saying "way to go" to you. :bowdown:

 

[HorsemanUK]

My wife went out on saturday night to have drinks with her ex b/f. I was invited but couldn't go because i had to finish writing a proposal by sunday. believe me i wanted to--she looked incredibly hot!

she was gone for about 3-4 hours. when she got in a little after 2, i was still up working. she walked right past where i was sitting, went to the bathroom and the first thing she did was brush her teeth. she didn't even take her coat off. then she came back to where i was working and kissed me.

i didn't question her about it, but does this seem suspicious? Or am i just being paranoid?

I don't know what to think.

If it bothers you then straight up ask her. Maybe im a paranoid type but having a meet with her ex is suspcious in itself. I dont get and beleive the whole thing of been freinds after a relationship ends. Persoanlly i have never had contact with any of my ex's after a break up neither would i want to. Saying that maybe there is nothing going on and it was all incicent, but i think you should question her a little anyway.

 

[widenine]

She likes her ex and went on a date with him?

Note:
She did what you would do in the same situation.
She touched him and he touched her, but stayed short of the boundary of cheating.
They did kiss each other some place at some point.
He got a hard on at some point and she noticed it or even discussed it.
They paved the way for the future in case she needs a plan B.
He asked and they discussed how they felt being together after the passage of time.
If they had a good time, she's confident about where she will go if she wants to leave the relationship. And he probably feels the same way.
You basically invited another man into your wife's head and therefore into your bed.