wife found pictures

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Vices29, Feb 18, 2010.

  1. Vices29

    Vices29 New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    My life of 3 years found some.... explicit photos on my harddrive of all sorts but many of them were gay/bi centric. Should I tell her I fantasize about that sometimes? For the past week, she's been sleeping in the other room and refuses to talk about it.
     
  2. beachbum1971

    beachbum1971 Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    East Coast
    I think you have to talk about it. Be honest. You need to communicate. There is a difference between being curious and looking at porn, and acting out those behaviors. We all have fantasies. I'm sure she does too. I'm guessing that hers are muvh different than yours, based on her reaction, but sleeping in different rooms for days and refusing to talk about it seems pretty extreme. Are you having other problems besides these photos?
     
  3. B_talltpaguy

    B_talltpaguy New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2007
    Messages:
    2,394
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I think she needs to chill the f*** out. WTF?
     
  4. invisibleman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2005
    Messages:
    9,976
    Likes Received:
    39
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    It is sad that when you get married...you cannot be real with each other. You should be able to talk about anything. Good and bad.:frown1:
     
  5. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8
    It sounds like she needs reassurance that your fantasy interests don't necessarily mean you intend to sleep with men. It can be difficult to discuss what are sometimes deeply personal and sensitive issues like these but if you can talk to her and explain that just because you occassionally use gay or bi porn as fantasy material for masturbation that does not mean your wife is in any less the primary object of your desire then she might be able to get over her shock.

    Now if you feel like there are other broader problems, emotional or sexual or both between you then you may find that your wife's current feelings might not change until you both begin to deal with your wider issues.

    But if everything else in your relationship is good then just explaining that she still floats your boat and you don't have any intention of looking for anything else anywhere else, in real life, may be enough to help her get over this.

    Has she ever found straight porn of yours before? If so how did she react to that?
     
  6. D_Wilbur Nookiefinder

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2005
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    I think she knows... Since she's not sleeping in the same room, I think you have your answer: yes, you should talk to her. It's going to be difficult, and I don't envy you, but it sounds like something you're going to have to do eventually. Good luck.
     
  7. D_Harvey Schmeckel

    D_Harvey Schmeckel New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    577
    Likes Received:
    6
    Pornphobia among het women seems to be a major factor in relationship crises. WTF, as another commenter has said. If my male partner freaked out over my track record of looking at het porn, I'd be as far up shit creek as you are. Tell her that! Well, no, tell her that you love her and guys love looking at porn and it has nothing to do with her. Hell, I don't know what to tell a woman and am just glad to have a male partner who shares my pornphilia rather than feeling threatened.
     
  8. MagicJohnsonFan

    MagicJohnsonFan New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2008
    Messages:
    237
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    In my opinion that's a really good place to start. Some of us are very fortunate to have partners who are accepting and not jealous, but it always surprises me when anyone is willing to be in a relationship in which they can't be honest and open.

    I don't know the OP's wife, obviously, but speaking strictly for myself it would be devistating to the trust in our relationship to find that my husband was looking at, reading, fantasizing, whatever, about something that he was purposely keeping from me. I by no means think that couples can't have thoughts of their own, but if there was a regular pattern that I was unaware of then it would just make me wonder WHY he was keeping it from me and what else he was keeping a secret.

    So her issue may be a violation of trust - and let's face it, if you have a relationship without that, what do you have - rather than the actual porn itself.

    I think the first step is to find out exactly what about it upset her.
     
  9. technopeasant

    technopeasant Member

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2007
    Messages:
    269
    Likes Received:
    12
    She knows be honest but, You may have already done a deal breaker she may not take it easily.
     
  10. Viking_UK

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2007
    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Scotland
    Tell her you love her and that the porn is just wank fodder. Just because something turns you on doesn't mean that you actually want to go out and do it in real life.

    Out of interest, is she annoyed that you've got a porn stash or that some of it isn't straight?
     
  11. catman

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2004
    Messages:
    2,607
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ga
  12. naturistMale

    naturistMale New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    8
    Vices29 - tough break. beachbum1971 said it, "I think you have to talk about it" but I'd like to expand on that...You can't explain anything to someone who just can't understand (in my opinion)...This is a way off compairson, but I hope it makes the point..It's like talking to your Son about masturbation. 1/if you try to talk to soon about it, it's going to creap him out -so- 2/if you wait until he has questions, then you know he's willing to listen (because he asked)...If you can somehow, let her know that when she's ready to listen, for her to just ask because you would like the chance to explain your side of this...Women hate that we can get excited over someone else, especially when they can not compete with that someone else. Lecture over Mate, but just wanted to give you my 2 cents...Be well.
     
  13. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2005
    Messages:
    411
    Likes Received:
    7
    I’m at a loss.

    I want to encourage you to be as entirely and unabashedly honest as possible but I appreciate that that kind of honesty can only function in an environment of genuine acceptance.

    Why do you suppose your wife chooses to sleep separately? Does she have religious and moral reactions to porn? Does she have strong reactions to gay people or gay images? I.e., was it the porn, the gay thing, or something else?

    I hate to bring this up, but how crazy about you is your wife?

    Don’t answer my much too personal questions to us, simply ask yourself.

    Personally, I believe you, like all spouses, have a right to a wide range of privacy. When we love one another, commit our lives to live together, we get to know so much about each other, but we still retain our deep and personal sides to ourselves.

    In my long and successful gay relationship – one that only ended by the death of my partner – we were remarkably honest, but remarkably accepting; nonetheless, we were private, accepting and trusting and accepting of each other’s privacy.

    I most certainly could have jerk-off fantasies for porn stars.

    Obviously you wife’s reaction is strong. I want to encourage you to be as empathetic as possible with her feelings. Apparently there has occurred a huge gap between the person she is now imagining you to be and the person she imagined you to be a month ago. I guess, I’ll encourage you to be empathetic to the occasion of this gap, how she experiences it, help her see the real you on that continuum and give her a chance to fight for her marriage.

    Maybe the two of you will want counseling.

    You can help her, but at some point it is going to come down to her; does she want this marriage with you?
     
    #13 Chase1600, Feb 19, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2010
  14. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,372
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    midwest
    her probable problem is you are looking at gay/bi and she just wonders who or what she married.

    my wife knows that I look at straight porn on my pc frm time to time, and have downloaded some scenes to dvd. we have watched them a little, she doesn't have the interest that she did yrs ago, overall her interest in sex is way down.

    I can remember yrs ago when a neighbor got some porn on VHS tape and we watched it at home after the kids went to bed. John Holmes was on one part of the tape, and she was kinda freaked out, I remember her saying to me before, "i thought you were big, but there's one guy on here that's huge." well, it was Holmes. I thought maybe she wanted something that big, but she said, what do yo do with all of that, I would not fuck him. we watched the whole thing, and she said I was bigger than most of the guys in the movie, and joked we should make a porn movie. she noticed all the gals giving the guys BJ, and asked me I would like that. I said yes, of course, and later she gave me her first BJ, not my first. we had sex, and she found my cock got big and hard again faster if she blew me, so thereafter my cock rec'd lots of BJs. if we were out, the wife would tease me, by putting her tongue in her cheek briefly. my cock would go to instant chub with just the that little action.
     
  15. Stephenmass

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,886
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston
    My guess is she had no idea you enjoyed looked at "dick". She thought she was in a str8 (totally str8) relationship and doesn't know how to handle what she has seen. You do need to have a lengthy talk with her obviously and decide what is best for both of you. I don't think any married guys that are thought str8 by the wives that "get caught" basically looking at dick, wouldn't expect some kind of backlash. More or less are you str8, gay, bi, WTF are you kind of questions? She is shocked.

    I don't think she is being unrealistic but at some point you two definitely have to talk it out to decide where your future is going and how much of your "dick watching" is mere fantasy or a self-realization that is aching to come out.

    Would she accept that if you were "aching"? I don't know. That is best left for the two of you to discuss.
     
  16. Omegaman

    Omegaman Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2004
    Messages:
    323
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    12
    It noted that man can hide anything good, well my friend just went through this when his wife went through his phone. No they are sleeping in different room. He came clean and told his wife.
     
  17. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female

    Helloo! She saw the gay/bi porn, she KNOWS about your fantasys!If she didn't she wouldn't be in the other room. :rolleyes: :duh: What she doesn't know is whether or not you have ever been with a man or if you ever intend to be with a man. You need to talk to her, honestly... for a change would be nice. :rolleyes::mad:

    Just wank fodder? Yeah right. :no: She ain't buying that. His porn stash signifys a lifestyle of desired lifestyle of which she knew nothing.


    Seriously?! You have to ask such a stupid question? She's annoyed that it's not straight. She can compete with another woman. She can't compete with his love/lust for dick.


    Thank GOD! Someone else understands that his gay/bi porn on a hard drive is a deal breaker for many women. I hope it's not the end of his marriage, but it could be and it wouldn't be the first time something like this happend. :frown1:



     
  18. Chark

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2010
    Messages:
    53
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    82
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Central Florida, USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    wow. I don't envy that conversation, I feel for ya, big time. I don't know how long you've been married, but my hubby and I have been married for over 12 years now and this definitely sounds more like a feeling of betrayal (that it was kept from her) than sexual preference to me, but then again I'm not your average wife.
    Like snowflakes, every woman is different, you'll have to use your knowledge of her to determine the best way to go about communicating with her.
    I know sometimes when I'm extremely pissed, I just want to be left alone. You trying to force the issue when I'm not ready will only further enrage me.
    Some women want you to show the initiative, start the conversation and don't let up until you've both said your peace.
    This is a serious conversation that requires your knowledge of your wife's ability to deal with serious circumstances. It took us many years to be as open as we are and we're constantly learning new things about each other even after 14+ years. I wish you lots of luck and hope she doesn't give up on you for something this minor in the vast realm of what married life can be. I am by no means a marriage expert or therapist, I'm only telling you what we've done. Good luck, stay calm, talk often and I hope it works out in whatever way will be best for you (and her).
     
  19. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    3,790
    Likes Received:
    17
    Ask her if she wants to discuss it and tell her however much you feel comfortable discussing (while explaining she invaded your privacy). But, your porn habits, legal ones, are none of her business and there's no requirement to share your means of self-pleasure with your partner.

    Eta:
    That's a broad leap. I know several men that like looking at cock, but are not gay, bi, or bi-curious. Others are, but many are not.

    Regarding his fantasies, they are just that as he is married to her, not cheating with a man, and porn preference does not indicate that he is predisposed to cheat.
     
    #19 D_Fiona_Farvel, Feb 20, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2010
  20. durbantom

    durbantom Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2006
    Messages:
    396
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Durban (ZN, ZA)
    It is probably a good idea to password protect your collection of pictures. There is always a chance of your pc becoming faulty and the technician finding the collection.

    It is your choice as to whom you give your password to. E.g. your spouse?

    I use a security program such as Steganos. Steganos allows a section of the hard drive to be used as a secure drive. It's also possible to make external drives secure. Steganos is just one of a number of programs which protects your privacy, and someone on this forum may inform us of another program.

    In the case of the Steganos program, putting the password in when asked causes windows to make a virtual drive with its own drive name.

    ================================================

    Good luck with restoring your relationship with your wife. A spouse will be threatened or terrified with regards a subject that they don't feel fully informed about / doesn't fully understand.

    My first wife freaked out over a similar situation 20 years ago and remained freaked out. The marriage ended and many years later I remarried a wonderful woman who fully understands and accepts all matters pertaining to gay and bisexual matters.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted