Wife not attracted to me

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Leviathan, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. Leviathan

    Leviathan Member

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    My wife of 9 years, isn't attracted to me. Matter of fact, she never was attracted to me. She loves me to death, and carries me on her hands, but feels absolutely no physical/sexual attraction.

    I found that out yesterday, when I tried to get intimate with her. And she was uninterested, as usual. We started talking about it, and she said she has no sexual desire whatsoever. It broke me.
    She wants to be intimate, but for emotional reasons. The result is, nothing ever happens from her side, or I get turned down, or she gets intimate but I sense a lack of lust.

    It felt like my life fell apart, now I don't want to touch her because she doesn't "want" it like I do. She feels horrid about this, and is also broken up over the fact that I won't touch her.
    She blames her illness, and claims to have never felt a sexual urge in her life. She was very sick from a young age. She is now for the first time been correctly diagnosed and being treated. And the doc says she could be cured in 8 months to 3 years of heavy treatment. She wholeheartedly believes that she is attracted to me, but her illness suppresses her libido.

    It makes sense, but I still feel like a failure. If it is her illness, the problem would disappear. But what if it isn't?
    Can a relationship last without attraction?
    I feel myself pulling away from her now. I asked her not to undress or get dressed in front of me. I don't want to see her naked, and don't want her to see me naked. I'm not trying to hurt her, I'm just trying to survive. And by seeing her naked, and knowing I don't turn her on is hell.

    I understand that her medical situation can cause problems with her libido, I guess i was hoping that I would be able to break through that barrier.

    She still wants sex, albeit for an emotional reason. And I can't do it. With no sexual lust on her part, makes me feel like I'm raping her.
    She is broken up, and says she really needs our intimacy. It keeps her going through rough times. She keeps reassuring me that it will come back as soon as she is healthy again. I just want to roll up and die.
    This is just as traumatic for her. And I feel bad about it, because it's beyond her control.
    Am I being an over reacting asshole, by stopping out intimacy?:frown1:
     
  2. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    She told you she has never felt sexual in here life. It is her problem not yours. It has nothing to do with you. Quit beating yourself up and get some help.
     
  3. SomeGuyOverThere

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    I think you are completely justified in feeling broken up, cold, unhappy and like you can't trust her.

    At the same time however, she can't do anything about it, so you can't really blame her.

    Now, let me ask you something - what has changed since before you knew that? Only that you know that she doesn't feel lust. Was your marriage good before that? Do you get along? Do you love each other?

    You've been married for 9 years, so there must be something strong between you. I think you need to focus on maintain that at the moment, to avoid further emotional torment on both sides.
     
  4. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

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    Ouch -- hootie, that's not helpful. Maybe look up, "if you can't say something nice...."

    Okay, so it sounds like you both have to get some help. Being in a relationship is hard! There doesn't have to be failure though -- not if you love each other. Try going to a therapist -- it's not a sin, and it really helps, I think. For both of you. This is a tough thing, her illness, your feelings, her feelings. How else can you untangle it all?

    It sounds like you love her, and she loves you. It must have been really hard to admit she doesn't get hot for sex. That was wicked brave of her, but hurtful for you to hear. But it's not because she doesn't want you, other than the illness, right?

    Good luck and remember, no one can really tell you how you feel, what to do, and so on. We only know part of it, you, her, all of it. Just if you love her, try and see her pov, and again, therapy is not a horrible thing....or talk to her doctor for some other solution. Maybe there is something she can take that will help her sex drive. You never know until you ask.
     
  5. VeeP

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    Hmm... just did a little math here. When you introduced yourself here in 2006, you said you were 20. So, you wed this woman when you were 14 (maybe 15)? That's pretty young...
     
  6. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Thanks veep :smile: smart move!

    :yell:
     
  7. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    Maybe he means they've been together for 9 years, but not married that entire time.
     
  8. dolfette

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    of course it's not you! if you were brad pitt she still wouldn't be able to feel it.

    but you know what she does feel?
    she feels broken. she feels faulty. she feels like a failure for not being able to desire you in the way you want.
    she loves you with all her heart and wishes she was a proper woman, who could feel all those things they talk about in cosmo.

    if you were crippled, if you lost your legs, would she love you, accept you and care for you? well this is her disability!

    she has a hard enough time admitting this to herself...are you surprised it took her so long to admit it to you?

    she might not lust you but she loves you. she feels intimate and likes to see the pleasure on your face, even if she's not feeling it herself. that's as good as it gets for her. she'll never know the pleasure you do. pity her.
     
  9. hud01

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    Nice catch

    :You_Rock_Emoticon:
     
  10. Leviathan

    Leviathan Member

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    Mike_Hawk pretty much answered that one, but apologies for not being more specific.
     
  11. Leviathan

    Leviathan Member

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    I would like to thank everyone for the replies, it really helped me get to grips with the situation.

    I discussed it with her, and told her that I understand, and appreciate her honesty. I told her I love her, and we have an amazing relationship, and the attraction would be a small price to pay for what we have. I could see the relief in her eyes, and I felt happy knowing just how honest she is with me.
    We will be discussing it with her doctor the next time she goes for a checkup.
    But in the meantime, it's all back to normal. :biggrin1:
    Thanks again to everyone!
     
  12. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    You've got something special there if you two can be open and honest like that. Glad you talked and got things moving in a positive direction!
     
  13. invisibleman

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    I feel for you, buddy. I think that it is nice that you both are talking about things.

    I wouldn't want a passionless relationship either. If anyone told me that they didn't like me sexually, that wouldn't make me feel very sexy at all either.


     
  14. cbrmale

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    I know a lot of relationships, and your situation is the most common form of marriage. That is, you're good friends but don't have passion, fire or spark. More men than not suffer from this to varying degrees: either virtually no sex, nowhere near enough sex, or the situation that you have with some sex, but reluctantly on her behalf. I can understand how couples get married with this ingredient missing, mistaking warm friendship for something more, and then the truth dawns.

    My experience is of a marriage with the lot: we get on really well together, we are sexually attracted to one-another, and we exercise that attraction quite regularly. There's nothing magical except to say that the feelings I originally felt for my now wife were quite different and very much more intense than any other woman I had met. Or, in other words, if I hadn't met her I wouldn't have realised that was more to love than warmth and companionship.

    I feel sorry for you, but you're wife seems a good woman. She is being honest with you, and she is also being considerate of your sexual desires by at least participating, even if it doesn't please her to do so. What you need to do is determine if that's enough. From my perspective, it wouldn't be.
     
  15. B_quietguy

    B_quietguy New Member

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    Sounds like she is naturally asexual. Some people experience little to no sexual attraction occasionally. Some people have a very low libido. Just like some people are very libidinous.
     
  16. eyescream

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    She's with you even if she's not sexually attracted to you. That's love at its best. I would never marry someone I wasn't sexually attracted to unless the feeling was far beyond sex.
     
  17. Principessa

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    Yup, after 22 years of marriage, 3 doctors,and 2 marriage counselors. My best friends husband was diagnosed asexual, 3 years ago. Their marriage counselor recommended divorce for that and many other reasons. Both spouses refused as they say they are still good friends. I think they are in a comfortable rut. My friend estimates that in 25 years of marriage they have had sexual intercourse 11 times. Not 11 times per year, but 11 times over the course of 25 years. :yikes:

    Long story short the marriage counselor signed them up for the NYC Polyamory club and the wife (my friend) is now a very active member. So far it seems to be working for them; because he really doesn't care who she has sex with as long as it's not him, and they don't hurt her.

    Could I live like she is? NO! I would have divorced his ass 19 years ago for many of the 'other reasons' the marriage counselor addressed.
     
  18. dolfette

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    i wouldn't pin my hopes on the doctor being able to ''fix'' her.
    if she's never ever felt the slightest twinge of attraction then there's a big chance she is, as another poster suggested, asexual.

    trying to cure being asexual is on a par with trying to cure being gay.
     
  19. mistergrasso

    mistergrasso Member

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    There is a very strong possibllity that your wife may be a lesbian. A lot of people, and possibly more women than men, come out to themselves relatively late in life. Acknowledging her lack of sexual feelings for you might be the first in a series of steps for your wife.
     
  20. avalonlovelove

    avalonlovelove New Member

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    True like Meredith Baxter for example she didnt come out for about 7 years until this year recently.She was also married to a man for a while but her relationships with men were always troubled and difficult for her.

    I seriously believe she may be asexual though that would explain why she doesnt have any desire whatsoever for sex.Although the comment about her needing it emotionally leaves me puzzled myself. Anyways I just read the last part and I am really happy for you and your wife great news that you are both being there for one another and maintaining your love for one another:)
     
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