Women and Jealousy

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by WhiteAnacondar, Dec 6, 2006.

  1. WhiteAnacondar

    WhiteAnacondar New Member

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    Well, I finally have been going out on dates with this one girl (never dated anyone before), and we've been sleeping together too. But here's something I don't understand...she purposefully tries to make me jealous. She'll talk alot about her ex boyfriends, and just yesterday after meeting my roomate she made comments like "he's really big" and "I find him attractive". It's really confusing to me, because I know she finds me attractive and wants to be with me, so why is she doing this? I've heard from alot of my guy friends that women have tried to make them jealous like this before, so why would they? Now I don't get jealous easily, and I wasn't really jealous when this girl made these comments, etc...but it definitely turned me off and made me wonder why anyone would want to purposefully ignite a spark of jealousy in a relationship? Thanks for any insight!
     
  2. snoozan

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    Maybe she's not doing it on purpose. I know, I know, men seem to think that women do evil things on purpose and how could she not know what she is saying is hurting... But I've been in that situation as the woman and I just have a big mouth. I don't know if this is the case for you and your girl. Neither do you until you...

    Talk to her.

    Yes, talk to her. If you're close enough that you are banging each other, you can have a calm, rational, adult discussion about how the things she is saying are making you feel.
     
  3. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    What do you need her to do? Do you need her to stop? Ask her. If she doesn't understand that she's causing you a problem, there may be reason enough to move on.

    Life is too short to be bogged down with people who play head games. This I have learned the hard way.
     
  4. socoken

    socoken New Member

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    Shes trying to make herself look like a hot commodity and trying to get you to hurry up and talk about seeing only her. Thats the next step, she wants you to be with only her, and she needs to hear you say it. You can either play it cool and be chill about it, or give in and be whipped right off the bat. Everything she does will have a purpose with a goal, or a test.

    Either that, or she is your typical psuedo-celebrity ego maniacal princess and she needs to feel great about herself. (No offense to her, Im just in a mood about women right now)
     
  5. snoozan

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    You know, you guys are being complete assholes about this.

    Ugh.
     
  6. WhiteAnacondar

    WhiteAnacondar New Member

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    Good points about communication, snoozan and HickBoy. I actually did pose the question to her, "Why do some women make guys jealous?", to which she responded "I don't know, I wasn't really trying to make you jealous, I just speak my mind". It sort of made sense to me, that she maybe felt comfortable expressing her feelings with me, but then I thought about if I were to do the same thing to her...upon meeting one of her housemates openly expressing my attraction to the housemate in front of her. I couldn't possibly see that as "being comfortable expressing myself in front of her"...anyone can see that those types of comments only create tension between people, they never really bring people closer together. Maybe you're right snoozan, it could have been an unconscious comment on her part...I just can't see myself making an unconscious comment like that to another person without considering how that person would take it.
     
  7. happyfeet

    happyfeet New Member

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    I do the same thing. It's not to make the man jealous, it's part of conversation.

    I have learned (not b/c any man has actually told me, but b/c I finally started reading body language...something I'm just not very interested in unless it's going to lead to sex) to stop doing this. Well, mostly, I've learned to stop doing this. B/c my intent is not to hurt anyone's feelings.

    I also don't like censoring myself, so I'm not really sure how this will pan out. I tend to view it as an insecurity on the man's part, but I understand why this would bother someone. I know I couldn't care less about a man doing it. If he was doing it just to try to hurt me, I'd care. And, I'd be pissed. But, not simply b/c he mentioned it.

    Intention is the important part in this situation, I think.
     
  8. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Well, there's a couple possibilities here. Either she IS incredibly open and just speaking her mind... or she has low self-esteem and wants you to pay more attention to her. What better way to get your man to pipe up about how amazing you are than making them think you're interested in someone else?
     
  9. WhiteAnacondar

    WhiteAnacondar New Member

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    Yeah, I agree. Just mentioning that you find someone attractive is no big deal. The thing is she tends to go off on it alot, which leads me to believe that it's something more than an innocent comment.

    I'm a pretty easy going guy, one who's not easily rattled or made jealous. If she just said that she finds my roomate attractive, no big deal. But it's when she goes on about how big and strong he is, how he has a catchy personality, how she'd go out with him, etc...kinda weird. Even when she did this I didn't get jealous, I mean I'm pretty confident in myself, but it just struck me as an odd thing to do.

    I guess I can see that if she wanted me to get closer to her she could do so by making me jealous....but it would just be much easier and mature to communicate that she wants to get closer rather than trying to heat my flame of jealousy.

    Thanks for all the advice, by the way!
     
  10. Snakebyte

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    You may wonder but I have an ex gf and the relationship was not that good after breaking up. Then I decided to tell her everything I think straight forward. Guess what. We're best friends now even though I told her I'd still try to lay her etc. Sometimes you just can't understand women. Maybe she wants you to be honest. Think about it. But honesty doesn't necessarily mean to tell her that her room mate or whatever is hot. :wink:
     
  11. AlteredEgo

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    I have had significant others do this to me too. I think some people just don't know you care about them until they know you are willing to fight to keep them, or that you feel threatened and in fear of losing them, or your position in their lives. It took me a lot of confusing time to figure some of that out.
     
  12. Love-it

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    It's life and if it makes her horny and she takes it out on you it isn't all bad. But if she is cheating or she likes being rude and trying to get a reaction out of you, fuck her, and move on.
     
  13. blar

    blar New Member

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    you bring up a good point i also think it is for attention.

    i have no clue why it is important to talk about or mention anything about a past partners body but i would not say that the chances are 100% that does that because she likes you since everyone does things for different reasons
     
  14. ASO

    ASO New Member

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    As it has been already said, there are different scenarios. But, focusing on the unintentional one, I have had quite a few friends who were girls and who did this to me, going on about the strenghts of their boyfriends where I was lacking. I also wondered why they did this and decided to experiment by doing the same thing to them - without going overboard. Their reaction was to stop, think and, surprizingly, stop or significantly reduce their previous behavior.

    I also think I was doing this in the past, until I noticed that it affected people negatively. Since then, I have tried to respect the other's feelings and still express myself.
     
  15. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    She might have alteria motives that seem innocent to her, ie seeing your reaction etc...but...i wouldnt bother with someone who likes to play games like that, especially at the begining of the relationship when things are already unsettled..she sounds like trouble to be honest
     
  16. Lordpendragon

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    She's either insensitive or she's playing games. Neither are very attractive personality traits. And I don't agree that the need to express yourself is greater than hurting someone you are supposed to care about. Who would want a boyfriend who walked down the street with you saying "Oh look at the tits on that - wow look at her ass."? I didn't think so.
     
  17. WhiteAnacondar

    WhiteAnacondar New Member

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    Great comments and advice everyone...thanks for the help!

    I think I'll play it out a little and see if she keeps doing it. If she does continue to try and make me jealous, even after I openly talk to her about it, then I will just move on.
     
  18. happyfeet

    happyfeet New Member

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    See, this wouldn't bother me. Unless I was already in a pissy mood or trying to have a serious discussion, why would I care? I used to point good looking females out to my ex all the time. I love a good rack on a woman, so I'd point them out.

    Some ppl like objectifying others and being objectified. It turns them on.

    Of course, if it's not a mutual interest, move on.
     
  19. happyfeet

    happyfeet New Member

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    I thought you confirmed that she wasn't trying to make you jealous? Maybe I misread. I thought you asked her about it, already. :confused:

    This:
    Was that about this topic or am I misunderstanding? If I'm not misunderstanding, I think you need to be more honest about this. If she's not trying to make you feel jealous, but you are trying to blame her comments for your jealousy, then you're not taking responsibility for your part in this. She can't make you feel jealous...that's a choice you make for yourself. If you don't like what she's saying, own it. But, don't try to make it seem like she's doing something she's not doing.
     
  20. WhiteAnacondar

    WhiteAnacondar New Member

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    Yeah, what I meant to say was that if she does it again, I'll talk with her about it again and more in depth (the first time I talked with her, I was kind of non-chalant about the whole thing).

    I do disagree with the comment about jealousy being one-sided, ie: "She can't make you feel jealous...that's a choice you make for yourself". While it's true that ultimately I am the one who ends up being jealous or not jealous (and for the record I wasn't really jealous when she did these things, it just annoyed me), nobody becomes jealous entirely on their own accord...please don't downplay her part in this and make it seem that I am the only player in the game.

    Anyways, I hope the first part of this post clarifies any misunderstanding.
     
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