Thanks Chase, hilaire and others for your insight so far...to fill in some missing details, I'm 24, she's 21... we've been together 8 months officially, but only got serious this summer. Before getting together we were good friends, and I knew of the ex bf.
The laptop (which Im using as we speak) was given to me about 2 weeks ago and I came across the old chat logs within the first few days lol. I've been hurt by them since and no, I'm not a masochist I would love for my insecurities to just go out the window and at times I wish I never came across those damn chat logs (ignorance is bliss).
The worst part is when I approach her, hurt...she gives me contradictory and weird answers. I chalked it up to her not knowing her body or what she wants all that well, because if I were to believe her, she has never orgasmed (except for a few accidental and random times) before me, and she does so with me because of the sexual chemistry we have.
OK I feel weird describing our sexual dynamic, but here goes...Im quite perverted and am very visual oriented. I can come just by her spreading her legs and exposing her sweet pussy. I like her pussy so much that I eat it out for my own damn selfish enjoyment and not to 'give pleasure' to her. I'm rough and quite dominating in bed, and she's described sexcapades with me as being akin to "the last conjugal visit to a death row inmate before he gets the chair".
As for her, she into a combination of rape fantasies and voyeurism. Actually she's the masochist not me, because she once tearfully admitted that she gets off from masturbating only by imagining me rape or molest some random girl. All her life, she's only orgasmed from masturbation and really felt like she messed herself up by masturbating so much that she can no longer get off from straight sex..like her wiring is permanently damaged or something...that is, until I came along.
She also finds me to be extremely handsome and sexy; according to her what is especially appealing about me is how I combine good looks with borderline creepy pervertedness LOL. All her life she's been accustomed to good looking guys being extremely bad in bed since somehow they lacked the 'hunger' (her words) that say, a creepy horny truck driver jacking off at some pitstop has. I guess she felt that good looking guys expect to be pleased, and also arent impressed by sex since they have it thrown at them. These are all her words.
Our sex life is very good (she's my best that's for sure) and she's willing to do anything I ask her to, and I cant get over her body. The first time we did it, it was like a marathon session and I must have come atleast 4 or 5 times over a span of a whole night (till sunrise, and yes there were rest periods in between). It's been 8 months now and we still have sex on a daily basis except when we're at her parents.
Now here is the problem. She tends to be a people pleaser, and I know that she isnt as sexual a person as I am to begin with, that she would stay with someone she loves even if that person wasnt her sexual ideal, and that my big suspicion is that she created this whole 'perfect sexual dynamic' impression solely to please and stroke my ego. I want to know the truth, but when I call her out on her contradictions, she gets all teary eyed, claims she cant really explain it (when she's quite able to explain other things oh so well with her extensive vocabulary).
Another thing that I failed to add is that she, unfortunately has a methadone addiction and apparently, it messes up with long term memory and does make her confused, which is what she claims causes her to give me contradictory answers, but Im not feeling 'right' about that excuse...I dont like her abusing prescription drugs to begin with, and now that she uses it as an excuse Im sensing the desperation in her and that perhaps the truth will not come out of her since she fears that I will leave her. (Not going to happen)
