Women like conflict, men like peace (in a relationship)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Guy-jin, Mar 6, 2012.

  1. Guy-jin

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    Upset Men And The Happy Women Who Love Them : Shots - Health Blog : NPR

    The findings in this study are probably a no-brainer to anyone who's been a long-term heterosexual relationship.

    The crux of it: Men like it when they know their partner is happy. Women like it when they know their partner is sharing their anger or frustration.

    The issue? Those two things are basically opposite.

    So what do you think? Is it true or not in your experience? And how do you deal with it in your own relationship?

    And given the audience on this forum, what do homosexuals think of all that? Do you experience these types of behavior from a significant other in spite of being the same sex?
     
  2. MickeyLee

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    the Lifetime Movie Network Syndrome?
     
  3. Drifterwood

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    It depresses me.

    Happy now?
     
  4. D_Bubba_Butter

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    ^:biggrin1:
     
  5. dolfette

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    in my experience, that's utter bollocks.
    my ex was forever throwing tantrums if i dared to look anything other than miserable if he was anything other than joyous, and would (he admitted) provoke me to argue just to know he could get a reaction from me.
    i'm not a very emotional person and the only time i like conflict in a relationship is during sex. i'm hppiest when they're happy and chilled.
     
  6. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    My ex's ex-husband was like that. Nasty bullies! :twak:
     
  7. dolfette

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    i always thought it was so dumb!
    i'm very slow to anger but, when i finally blew my top, he'd end up bawling his eyes out because i'd hurt his feelings.
     
  8. B_Nia88

    B_Nia88 New Member

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    I would like to see the actual study and to see how everything breaks down and what the specific questions were and what the situations were.
     
  9. pcghabsy

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    Dumbing down the complexities of 7 billion vastly different humans through 156 random cases. Not much to look at here, move along.
     
  10. D_Bubba_Butter

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    What a strange man!

    Think the ex's ex was just a plain bully; manipulative, demeaning. Think also physical. Nasty pasty!
     
  11. Guy-jin

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    It's an interesting paper. This isn't my field, so I can't exactly comment on it, but a great portion of it goes into the experimental design and why they think it's valid. I'm sure there will be a great deal of debate in that field on it.

    Also, if you're interested in the paper, it's here: http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/fam-ofp-cohen.pdf

    Meh. You're disqualifying something you didn't even read. They explain in great detail the methods used including statistical calculations that allowed them to derive a p-value below 0.001. Nowhere does the paper claim to make conclusions about all 7 billion people on the planet.

    The idea being spread around the Internet that statistical significance requires thousands or millions of samples is false. You can draw a statistically significant conclusion from a small population if it's well controlled (this experiment seems to be reasonably controlled given the population) and the effect is strong.
     
  12. ShannonH

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    Yep Guy-jin, totally agree with what you said to pcghabsy. The real test here is if it's reproduceable - have some other group use the same methodology elsewhere and see if they get similar results.
    Generally larger sample sets are only required to get a more accurate result when looking for unusual results, not for determining what's typical. e.g. I could check 100 kids across my city to find out what their favourite foods for lunch are, and be fairly confident from my results that kids like pizza. If, however, I wanted to see what percentage of kids like goulash, I'd need to survey many times that many to get a useful result. In a sample of 100, the odds that 80 of them would say their favourite food is goulash (even though out of the millions in the city only 0.2% of them actually like that) is extremely low. However, if only 1 of them says they like goulash, then that's 1% or 5 times the actual number, so that survey doesn't give much accuracy for something less common.
    As you've said, controlling your sample population is key. If I posted this survey on a goulash-lovers website then my results would be junk.

    The scenario described in this study has definitely held true for me. I'm generally not the type to get really upset about everything, but every time I have the woman I was with was always really happy that I was open with my anger. Personally I think wanting someone to be open about what upsets them makes more sense than them just telling you everything's okay. I had a relationship in the past where I would never tell her I was mad when I was, but that anger always found an outlet somewhere. I'd end up saying or doing little things that were unkind instead of just being direct and honest right when I was upset.
     
  13. EllieP

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    No, no, no it's not like that at all!

    My husband could be absolutely happy watching TV, drinking beer and letting a quarter-inch of dust accumulate on the lamp table. Why make the bed; you're just going to mess it up tonight. The catbox doesn't smell that bad.

    There's a difference between being peaceful and being complacent.

    I swear if I weren't around he'd be just as happy keeping his clothes, unironed of course, in a box near the bed. That's sort of how I found his apartment when we married!

    It's not that women like tension, it's just that men are carriers!
     
  14. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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    hmmmm... this study does not represent my relationship

    we are both happiest when there is no drama or conflict.
    I can't stand it.
    He can't stand it.
    We both kinda run and hide from it until we are forced to face it, then we go hand in hand...

    There are people in the world that are happiest when they are creating conflict... But I dare say that there are some men who are way more dramatic that lots of the women I know.

    Drama? Conflict? Who needs it?

    *please pass the Valium... * (that is a joke, but in reality I heard it over and over at my hubs family home during the holidays... I hope they were joking too)
     
  15. moongazer1984

    moongazer1984 New Member

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    this is definetly true of my ex. She was never happy unless there was some drama in our relationship. She was also like that with other guys, as I would know because she was married when we hooked up :)
     
  16. ClawdineKitten

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    I think it depends on the person some people naturally like drama, and feed off it like some bottom feeding pond sucker. I'm a very mellow and laid back person it takes me ages to finally get pissed off enough about something to flip out. I'd other wise avoid all conflict unless it was something serious that needed my attention. Once I do flip out it's all over and done with in a matter of minutes.
     
  17. moongazer1984

    moongazer1984 New Member

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    my kind of girl
     
  18. ClawdineKitten

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    =^_^=
     
  19. Guy-jin

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    Hm, that sort of goes with the whole crux of the article, though, at least on your end. Your ex sounds like a psychopath (literally) so he may well not have followed typical psychological patterns. But you getting angry to the point of hurting his feelings, which provoked a reaction, could fit with this study. Regardless, if your ex was some kind of psychopath, I'm not sure we can look at it as a typical scenario, right?

    I think there may be some confusion about what this study was concluding.

    I know I titled the post in a dramatic way to garner some attention, but I wasn't being very accurate.

    The conclusion is NOT that women like drama and men don't.

    The conclusion is that when women feel a negative emotion like anger or frustration, they derive pleasure from having their partner share in that emotion. For example, in this population, an angry woman might turn around and say things to inspire anger in her partner by some biological prerogative. The reasoning is that women seeing their partners share in their emotion demonstrates investment in the relationship on the partners' parts.

    I can say that from personal experience, this is truth. I've had more than one woman tell me, "I want you to feel what I'm feeling" very directly. I've been called a "robot" or "android" by some women because I'm not converting to some monster after being lashed out at by her. In those cases, it seems they would have preferred I get upset in response to them being upset.

    But, this study suggests, my biological prerogative is utterly different. I feel threatened by an angry or frustrated woman I'm in a relationship with because it suggests to me that she wants to end this. I've gotten in many, many fights with my significant others over the years and this study is kind of revealing to me about why those relationships were so strong even though I always thought we were on the verge of ending them. From her perspective, I was utterly emotionally invested. From mine, I was about ready to walk out the door (and did a couple of times).

    The point here is that she isn't lashing out because she wants it to end--she's doing it because she wants it to become strengthened. And by want, I mean deep down, underneath it all, not consciously.

    I think it's mostly true. I think it's sort of descriptive of why we have the men "walking out" of relationships that their wives think were good and strong. Because men don't have this drive to share their negative feelings most of the time because they think they'll jeopardize the relationship and women don't even realize that their bonding over negative feelings isn't being reciprocated by their men.

    Anyway, I guess for me, this study rings mostly true. And while the essence of it seems almost like woman-bashing, I don't think that should be the take-home at all. To the contrary, I think it should inform us about the differences between us emotionally and perhaps make us a bit more aware of what the other in our relationship is thinking. I know, there are a million books on this topic out there, but it's nice to see something with a hard p-value on it demonstrating it for someone like me.
     
  20. B_Marius567

    B_Marius567 New Member

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    my last GF like to make simple things hard.
     
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