Women Marrying Men who have a homosexual past!!!

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by mattyacht, Aug 29, 2007.

  1. mattyacht

    mattyacht Well-Known Member

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    Blacktightfit,
    I tend to disagree with you. I tried it with a man but it didn't work. I think homosexuality is a nature/nurture issue. Therefore it's not totally genetic or written in stone. Defensive detachment is a big reason why I haven't pursued women more than men. I think a lot of men who do men are actually looking for affirmation or affection that they didn't get as a child, and as puberty sets in, they begin to eroticize an archetype they felt they could never measure up to. Deep down inside, I always envied men who had a loving wife and a family. I became an adult the child I used to be could not respect. I can totally understand your feeling used by a gay man to mainstream himself into norms or ideals of society. What if that gay man had been celibate for sometime then met you and you where the most special thing that has ever happened to him. BTW, I think you are gorgeous. Hope this helps. It is just my opinion though.
     
  2. biguy2738

    biguy2738 Well-Known Member

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    Mattyacht, unfortunately there was another long part to my post which I lost, I'd lost my broadband signal - YAY! Then I had to rush off to the hospital, so bear with me.

    I'd like to respond to blacktightfit's comment first.

    I feel for you, it must have been difficult having to surrender a relationship where you were compatible on so many levels. And I understand your reasons why as well as the amount of heartache that went along with your decision. Truth be told, I realised that I was "bisexual" only after I'd gotten married. I put it in inverted commas because to a great extent I had my own misconceptions about bisexuality and I was also in a lot of denial. Though I acknowledged it was part of me, I thought that I'd never fall in love with a man nor ever want to indulge in any form of sexual contact (stoopid, I know, the mind can play tricks on you if you wish for it to do just that). All of this changed just a few months ago when I fell in love with another man. I didn't look for it, but it happened. And yes, there were times when I wanted to swing from the chandeliers from him as well.

    It's been a painful and difficult journey for me, most especially because there were a great deal of issues to contend with other than just my sexual orientation. It feels like a second puberty...at times the hormones have a mind of their own (and I'm not complaining). I have found that the more I learn about being bisexual and accepting it within myself, the more it seems as if all the "hotties" are crawling out of the woodwork. And yes, at times it leads to the most amazing fantasies ever.

    HOWEVER, though I allow myself to acknowledge my sexuality through my fantasies (mostly because I think that suppressing them is asking for trouble); much as I may find a man to be desirable; much as I may have my urges etc. I have never made love to another man and I most probably never will...and I am completely at peace with it. It's exactly like with a straight married man, he finds a woman desirable or he may connect with a woman but he doesn't have to put himself on a leash or see a need to get his rocks off. That's exactly what my own reality is, the only difference is that it also applies with men...and not ALL men either.

    I definitely don't have to "fight" urges (and please bear in mind that bisexuality comes in at least 13 different forms and one can have more than one form in their make up - I'm both a monogamous and emotional bisexual). I only need to be with one partner, but I do need deep emotional connections (not as lovers but as very good friends). When my urges come, my way of handling it is very simple: I allow myself to feel them - I am a sexual being and I don't have to deny myself these feelings, but once I feel that I've allowed it enough time to "sit and talk with me", I need only think about my wife and her love for me and I immediately need to either pick up the phone and call her, or scoop her in my arms and tell her that I love her. If anything, my life is consumed by her presence and my love for her and my urges are mere distractions along the way.

    It is an honor for me to be able to lay myself completely naked to her. To not only undress, but to shelve my ego, my masks, my thoughts and my opinions. To go to her and tell her, "her I am and I offer myself to you" and during the most intimate times of our marriage, to be able to allow her to reach out and probe my soul, while I do the same with her and to allow our realities and our love to rub off on another.

    Being bisexual does not have to be an inner war, there are ways to allow the one to compliment the other.

    Despite my having fallen in love with another man and my discovery of just how deeply my being bisexual courses through my veins; despite my acknowledgement that I am able to move over to a long term, deep loving and committed homosexual relationship; the irony of it all is that in the midst of it all I have grown in so many ways, for a start, I am more sensitive and attentive to my wife. Our marriage had grown much stronger...and she didn't even know what I was going through.

    I have outed myself to her and she also knows about my having fallen in love with my friend. Her reaction has been one of "If my being bisexual is the cause of all the positive changes in my life, then she's happy that I am". She knows that I am able to "bat for both teams" and that I could move over to a homosexual relationship with ease. She also knows that I need to have deep friendships with men. So this is her response despite her knowing what the implications are.

    She has asked questions that have been scary, tough and risky to answer. Questions like "Will I ever have sex with a man?" and I try to honor her by being completely honest with her. My response to that question has been one where I let her know that I cannot guarantee her that it never will happen. For a start, who knows what the future holds and her response was an acknowledgement that she also can't give me a definite guarantee that she'd never cheat on me as well, one just never knows. I cannot be arrogant enough to believe that I'll never slip up because that's burying my head in the sand. What I can guarantee her is that if I found myself falling for another man (or woman), I'd once again ensure that boundaries are set. It would be difficult for me to live with the guilt of having cheated on her, but if I had encouraged it or allowed it to happen, the guilt would be unbearable.

    I wake up everyday with the awareness that even though I have grabbed onto my wife with both hands, I acknowledge that I am holding onto more than I deserve, but I continue to hold on because as we "speak", I couldn't possibly love her more. I do not NEED to have sex with a man, but I do NEED to love my wife as much and as best as I possibly can in every moment in every day because through doing so, my own life and reality is fulfilled.
     
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