Women who stray?

[Lordpendragon]

The latest stats that I saw, suggested that women have almost caught men up in the straying stakes in relationships.

Whilst I would confidently say that the majority of men stray for sexual/ego reasons, would you guess that more women stray for sexual or emotional reasons?

 

[stud_hunter]

The latest stats that I saw, suggested that women have almost caught men up in the straying stakes in relationships.

Whilst I would confidently say that the majority of men stray for sexual/ego reasons, would you guess that more women stray for sexual or emotional reasons?

I don't think "ego" and "emotional" reasons are all that different from each other. They're just different words we use with different genders. I think men and women stray because there's something missing from their relationship, either excitement, warmth, a sense of being wanted, or belonging, etc. These can be described as emotional needs or ego needs; I think they apply to both genders and I don't see much difference between them.

 

[Lordpendragon]

I don't think "ego" and "emotional" reasons are all that different from each other. They're just different words we use with different genders. I think men and women stray because there's something missing from their relationship, either excitement, warmth, a sense of being wanted, or belonging, etc. These can be described as emotional needs or ego needs; I think they apply to both genders and I don't see much difference between them.

I don't disagree. I added the ego after I had written it. This is happening to me all the time at the moment - I post a thread and someone makes an intelligent observation and I have to amend my question.

So men and women both stray for sexual/ego reasons - that is I need to know that I am still sexually desireable.

I do believe guys when they say "It was just about the sex, it didn't mean anything."

I wonder that the fact that women tend not to believe men when they say this is because, for them, it would not have been just about the sex.

 

[stud_hunter]

I don't disagree. I added the ego after I had written it.

I do believe guys when they say "It was just about the sex, it didn't mean anything."

I wonder that the fact that women tend not to believe men when they say this is because, for them, it would not have been just about the sex.

Hard to say. It might be just about the sex, but the sex means something. If it's just about pleasure it might mean there isn't enough pleasure in the relationship. If it's about excitement maybe there's not enough excitement in his relationship. I also think lots of guys are so socialized to have no idea how to express emotional needs other than through anger, withdrawal or sex. When it's "just about the sex" I just don't buy it. If all a guy is looking for is a lay, he probably wouldn't have entered into a monagamous relationship with his wife or girlfriend to begin with.

 

[Lordpendragon]

Hard to say. It might be just about the sex, but the sex means something.

Who says? You as a woman or me as a man?

 

[stud_hunter]

Who says? You as a woman or me as a man?

It's true neither of us can really know what the other is thinking. And it's also true that sometimes sex is just an easy fun thing to do. Certainly right now I have plenty of sex that isn't about much more than fun and physical pleasure for me. But I'm not in a "relationship", and that's because a relationship isn't what I'm looking for or wanting right now. To me, when a man gets a girlfriend or wife, there's a good chance he's looking for some of the things one finds in a "relationship." The fact that he's in a relationship is a hint at what he wants. I think a lot of people, and maybe especially men, don't know how to address what's lacking in their relationship so they stray. Maybe sometimes it's just for a fuck, but I think a lot of times there's deeper meaning in the fuck than just the physical pleasure. The stray fuck is sometimes about what's missing in the relationship.
That said, certainly it's sometimes just about the sex. For women as well as men. There's a man who I've slept with who told me of a time when he cheated on a girlfriend. They were on a trip to Europe together but they spent a few days apart when she was visiting her grandparents in France. He said during those few days he was staying in a hostel in Italy. He met an attractive woman there, they had hot sex several times over a few days, and then he went back to meet his girlfriend. He says he never told anyone about it, and that was the only time in his life he'd ever cheated. But the appeal of easy sex with an attractive woman was too much to turn down, especially when he figured there was no way he'd ever get caught. So yes, I agree with you, sometimes it is just about the sex.

 

[Lordpendragon]

OK - so we have discussed men - and I wouldn't disagree at all about the relationship issues whether understood or not. Additionally I would say that the emotional side can last until you wake up in the morning and no longer. I wouldn't presume that men know what they are looking for when they enter a relationship - we can be very simple things :smile:

What would you say though about women's motivations - generally to fill a gap consciously or unconsciously in their relationship or just for the sex (and I take it for granted that he must appeal to you on more than one level) ?

 

[stud_hunter]

What would you say though about women's motivations - generally to fill a gap consciously or unconsciously in their relationship or just for the sex (and I take it for granted that he must appeal to you on more than one level) ?

I'm sure there's no general rule for women just like there's no general rule for men. I'm sure some women cheat just for the excitement or lust and others because of a gap in their relationship. I haven't decided whether I think monogamy is natural or not, so maybe some people who aren't suited for monogamy try to force themselves anyway. Who knows. But as for the rise in female straying, I think it's really an issue of opportunity and sexual liberation. More women are in the workplace, which is where most affairs start. And more and more women are figuring out how to enjoy sex, we want it more. 50 yrs. ago nobody knew what a g-spot, clitoris, cervical bridge, etc. was.

 

[Lordpendragon]

At this rate SH - we will have covered the complete spectrum of human sexual behaviour whilst everyone else is asleep.

Re Monogamy - if it was completely natural then perhaps more of us would be able to do it.

Sorry to be anal about the statistics - but statistically, it is a minority of people now who are able to be monogamous.

Not to broaden the topic to the point of being irrelevant - but I think that maybe people's motivations or submission to temptation changes depending on how long they have been in the relationship.

There is another generalisation that men more often have flings and women affairs - though given what you have said above, I think that that sentiment may well be out of date, and may account for the supposed increase in female infidelity.

 

[stud_hunter]

At this rate SH - we will have covered the complete spectrum of human sexual behaviour whilst everyone else is asleep.

And then this thread will get drowned out and pushed down the list and they will never know our brilliance!

 

[Lordpendragon]

And then this thread will get drowned out and pushed down the list and they will never know our brilliance!

Let them eat cake. :wink:

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

In a relationship if i dont feel i am getting what i need physically or emotinally i would much rather do the hard stuff first and break it off before i even felt the need to stray.. ..I also expect the same respect in return.

A cheating partner is probably one of the biggest betrayals i can think of and luckly i havent had to deal with that yet. And straying ffor whatever reason, ego, emtional etc dosent make a difference....the hurt must still be the same no matter what their reason

 

[Lordpendragon]

What has been your longest lasting relationship Lee?

I think age makes a difference on whether you end it all, you are young and can move on more easily perhaps than those who have made a bigger committment in terms of both time and the law. Besides if it hasn't meant that much to you or you see it in a different context to your relationship, why throw the baby out with the bath water?

BTW - I am playing devil's advocate here.

 

[wi_sugargrl]

I agree a little with everyone here. I think that it's a natural tendency for both men AND women to think about sex outside of a relationship. Just look at what we are bombarded with everyday in magazines, tv, movies, etc. And I agree that it can be "just sex" and not really mean anything to that person.

That being said, I've never been married so I have never had to think about this from that perspective. But I do know, however, that however "innocent" the intentions are and that it is "just sex", feelings get hurt and emotions are affected - for both men AND women (I've some male friends who were devastated from a cheating wife and vice versa). I think there are exceptions to this rule - mainly if it is mutual - I mean, there are plenty of happy, satisfied swingers out there.

So, I do think it is interesting that the statistics are going up for women cheaters, but are they? Were they just not really accurate before? Like women masturbating - for the longest time women were thought not to do it, but Kinsey debunked that theory.

 

[Gisella]

The latest stats that I saw, suggested that women have almost caught men up in the straying stakes in relationships.

Whilst I would confidently say that the majority of men stray for sexual/ego reasons, would you guess that more women stray for sexual or emotional reasons?

Well, I think boredon and routine gives many the sensation of sufocation, trap, desilusion, and desire to fly again. Most of us start marriages thinking for sure ours will be different but I think few commited relationships can maintain the freshness, excitiment, wonder and etc without work. We start to get to know our partners and somehow there are not all of that anymore...and many early on notice so many red flags but the keep trying to avoid to face it or talk about stuff..trying to mend things without really working on things to improve...family life responsabilities is not a walk in the park, for sure.

The way many ends up is in divorce courts as we can observe. There we will find that women are the ones who enters with the petition most of the time...and I think what they claim is incompatibility ? Yep, after few years and at least with one kids, mortgage and bills..the end.

If we look on top one complain married men is lack of sex or not enough sex we can have a clue about their insatisfaction...and women's complain maybe lack of communication ???

Well, in my own personal experiences in my 5y marriages I did not stray even living sexeless for 2 years, bcause I had no eyes to other men... I was to chock to find out that my dreams about living happily ever after was not going to happen plus I did have in my mind before to never get married bcause of could not promisse no men 'eternal' love..until I met my husband. Well, it ended and now I'm on my single mode again...

My single mode I'm free to do as I please...but my ways is that I love the passion, the play, the seduction and all of that...the process to get me to adventurous sex with passionate adventurous men...its very boring to me just have sexual urge and just fuck...I love passion and even if I will live it just for a short time I need that. I want to go deeper and play with the playmate I choose carefuly....bcause a plain sexual release I can do by myself by masturbating me.

I dont fancy the ideia of meeting a stranger and fuck my brains out...it does not work for me. I dont like my body being touched by strangers. There must be and mind, intelectual, fantasies, many mental things exchanges= a brain fuck, to get there. Even if is a 1 night event I need story to get to bed with him...but I still havent had 1 nightstand and do not plan having one too.

But people are different and deal with their needs diferently and they may do not want face their problems and boredon in their relationships, even with red flags all over... But in my mind I would not treat cheating as a light thing in commited relationships, I would prefer honesty even if hurts than to play with my partner heart...I can not live with 'guilt' and look at his eyes.. to just wash my sex and give it to him after sex with another person...it does not work like that to me and wish it does not work like that to him too.

 

[BobLeeSwagger]

Since a survey about infidelity is self-reported, how can we really know if all those people are lying? Maybe women are just more willing to admit it (even anonymously) than they used to be. Maybe some men say they do because they think it's what is expected of them. No way to know.

But I think it's safe to say that women have extramarital sex more than they used to for the same reason that divorce rates have gone up: women have much more freedom to leave a relationship (or risk it ending) than they used to. Before community property laws, birth control pills, and more women working outside the home, many women had to stay married whether they liked it or not. And if her husband left her, she'd really be in financial trouble. Under those circumstances, a married women might be risking her entire future if she strayed. Far fewer women are in that position now.

 

[Lordpendragon]

What a great place you guys make this.

There are so many insightful views on our condition and relationships.

A couple of things that I would comment on - one night stands - when I think about it - I would not go for this anymore as I did as an under 21 year old. I would also feel out of place with myself. Just a personal comment coming from the discussion.

And yes, I do not automatically believe what women say in surveys anymore. But where are all the women who are supposed to straying these days?

I'm not looking for phone numbers by the way :smile:

 

[Gisella]

Well, where are they? All over the world I supose...I think in my own culture women start to cheat to get even, bcause males in many latin cultures are just womanizers and many of them have a wife, a steady lover and few girlfriends. But women all over are having sex because brings sexual pleasure too and women may be having a lover and a husband in their lives to keep them satysfied as men did for many years. They may play blind for convenience knowing that both are cheating.

Here in the US women may do it to have sexual pleasure they are not getting at home? And some to get even too? What I know is that my males friends tell me that their girlfriends cheat a lot...and I felt surprise that men complaining about that when I used with the oposite complain...

Nowdays there are a lot of channels to cheat and internet is a great start too...many people online and chatting to eachother and exchanging feelings, thoughts and etc get attached and happens the cybersex exchanges..to me cybersex and even 'only' emotional exchanges are cheating too...and it can get physical open the doors to meetings offline...

Every situation that we are involved with another people that we do not share and 'have to' hide from our partners is cheating to me..when and if we share and they are ok with that is not cheating anymore, its in the open. Plus there are many compromisses and deals couples are doing this days to set boundaries and etc...when people can talk open with what is going on is good. But there are some that just enjoy the secret and forbiden trill sensations that cheating brings to some...and this same trills may put excitement back inside their relationship ??? Many plan to keep their partners whom they love and the sex fun adventures too...

To me to live a double live is very stressful... I like to be free and free to play with others.

 

[Lordpendragon]

Well, the US is a foreign country to me. It seems a big complicated place with many different levels of morality covering the whole diversity of human experience. I do get two impressions though. First that many people seem to be more judgmental of other people's lives and perhaps connected, the concept that if you talk about something, you will be able to deal with it. Regarding the latter, I doubt that I am alone as a man in being apprehensive in talking to partner about may things. The pandora's box is best left closed and we worry that we will not communicate well and be misunderstood.I am not sure that I would agree with your logic Gisella. Would that make pornography and fantasy cheating? I would feel like a prisoner to a partner if I could not have my own mind, I am not going to feel guilty about sub-conscious arousal. I think a lot of people go wrong because they presume that they have ownership of someone else because they are going steady or more.Ironically as you point out, indiscretion can save relationships.

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

What has been your longest lasting relationship Lee?

I think age makes a difference on whether you end it all, you are young and can move on more easily perhaps than those who have made a bigger committment in terms of both time and the law. Besides if it hasn't meant that much to you or you see it in a different context to your relationship, why throw the baby out with the bath water?

BTW - I am playing devil's advocate here.

1.5 years. I know not long but thats my point..Move on before you get shit on. If you feel the relationship is heading to a point were you think they may go looking elsewhere confront then (that is the stage where i left him)

And of course i know marriage, kids, commitments etc influence outcomes but regardless of wether i have been with someone 10 days or 10 years they arent worth me putting myself at risk or catching an STD or even worse because they wanted a little fun on the side.

And btw i do consider straying/cheating more than just sex. A emotional conncetion with someone else can be just as hurtful as anything physical