Women with 'baggage'....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by alx, Dec 3, 2010.

  1. alx

    alx
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    I've recently met this women [a friends girlfriends friend], she's attractive, down to earth.... but she has a one year old kid.

    I don't know if I should get more involved. Anyone been in this situation, or have any words of advice? A females perpective would also be appreciated.
     
  2. D_Sue Ellen Brastretcher

    D_Sue Ellen Brastretcher Account Disabled

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    Okay I admit I am in a pissy mood today but if anyone calls either one of my kids "baggage" they better prepare to get their ass kicked. I have a lot of baggage myself but that is all family drama, past relationships, abuse, etc. Obviously if this kid is "baggage" to you, you should move on.

    I've dated guys with kids before and never thought of them as such. Maybe men see it differently.
     
  3. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    First thing I recommend is asking why she has a baby with no partner and what the relationship is like with the father, then go from there.
     
  4. alx

    alx
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    I wasn't going to write 'Baggage' as I don't see it as baggage as such, Its definately a pretty major factor however. Especially given her circumstances.

    I put 'baggage' in the title as I knew it would get more hits, I also knew I would get flamed for phrasing it that way.

    But I can assure you I didn't mean it in an offensive way, nor does it express my mentality towards single mums!

    So any advice..
     
  5. alx

    alx
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    I wouldn't be suprised if a guys thought process was different, Hence why I wanted a females opinions.

    Yeah You're right I do need to establish that but I don't want to be seen as pressuring her and making an issue with the kid.
     
  6. Stangman306

    Stangman306 New Member

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    I am new to the site, but trust me as I speak from experience. About 4 years ago, i was living the recently college graduate lifestyle, I had my own condo, an excellent job, a nice car and money to spend on the prowl. At that time in my life I was not in daddy mode, and as unfair as it sounds, I was not into women that had kids... nothing stuck up about it, thats just where i was in my life. I had a lot to offer, so i wanted a women with no strings attatched as well. I met a pretty cool girl who had a child from a previous relationship. I had to date her differently, involve her child in things, and be ok with the fact that she was not able to do as much as a single women could. It was unfair to myself to limit myself.. once again, I knew what kind of relationship i wanted,it i chose to ignore. I was the guy that always told others that it was not worthwhile. Well a few months into it, i got her pregnant with twins, Thats the short version. ;-) It depends on what you want out of a relationship. Just know that there are a lot of restrictions, and no matter what the situation, you are almost always going to come second to her child. We have a great family dynamic, but at times it is dificult being a step-parent. I love our daughter as my own, however sometimes thee are issues of parenting with someone who has done it before, things that may be important to you, may be of less importance to them because they have been through it before.
     
    #6 Stangman306, Dec 3, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2010
  7. D_Tam_Ponds

    D_Tam_Ponds Account Disabled

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    Here's the deal. Do you like children? If so, do you think you could love a child that was not your own by blood as much as if they were your own by blood? For many this is yes, for many no. If the answer is yes, move forward carefully. If the answer is no, then do not get involved - at all. Certainly nobody is asking you to make the decision here and now whether you want to get married and move into role as "daddy," but if it is out of the question for you down the road - then don't take another step forward. It would be a poor choice to put this girl and her child through that. If marriage and children is a long term goal for you, then why would this situation really be a problem? Just make sure you go into things as a mature adult, because you have an innocent 3rd party involved that you need to make sure doesn't get hurt no matter what the outcome of your relationship. And keep in mind, as a mother, her #1 is supposed to be her child. That has to be ok with you - and actually you should insist on it. Hope that helps.
     
  8. Stangman306

    Stangman306 New Member

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    this is what I wish someone had told me, and I think that this is the # 1 question you have to ask yourself. I was not ready for it.. i thought i was, but in reality I wasnt.
     
  9. alx

    alx
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    wow, you've pretty much put a nail on the head with regard to the way im thinking.

    Do I like Children- yes.

    If so, do you think you could love a child that was not your own by blood as much as if they were your own by blood?

    -Possibly, overtime.

    now whether you want to get married and move into role as "daddy," but if it is out of the question for you down the road - then don't take another step forward.

    - Possibly. Theres no doubt that I can't do "daddy" but honestly I can't see myself marrying or settling at this time [im only 21].

    but if it is out of the question for you down the road - then don't take another step forward. It would be a poor choice to put this girl and her child through that.

    - This is my main concern, what if im not able to commit to a full blown family relationship. Do I risk possibly letting them down, even if I do have good intentions?

    If marriage and children is a long term goal for you, then why would this situation really be a problem?

    When you put it like that, no It wouldn't matter either way really. However marriage, children is a long term goal... a long long term goal.

    make sure you go into things as a mature adult, because you have an innocent 3rd party involved that you need to make sure doesn't get hurt no matter what the outcome of your relationship.

    I've lived in a houshold where my dad has cheated, my mum has cheated, I've had God knows how many step parents. Trust me the last thing I want to do is 'damage' an innocent.

    Hope that helps

    Yes, thank you.

    I don't mind having a relationship with a single mum, In fact I quite like the idea of it. However just because I like the idea of it doesn't mean its a good idea.

    Im just not sure on the whole long term full on family bit.
     
    #9 alx, Dec 3, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2010
  10. Bunny

    Bunny New Member

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    I think you can have this woman has a f**k buddy, if you put things on the table like that...she may just want no strings attached sex, with a little cuddle after so that she doesn't have to get her child involved...

    But if you aren't prepared to 'deal' with a child in the situation, then don't go there.
     
  11. wallyj84

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    You've pretty much given yourself the answer. If you have any doubts about this, then don't do it. If you can't see yourself settling down and being a "daddy" at this point in your life then don't do it. If you aren't absolutely sure that you can love a child that's not yours, then definitely don't do it.

    Being a father is a huge responsibility and can be a burden, even when it's your own child. When it's someone else's kid, it can be a burden that is too much to bear.

    For the sake of this women and her kid, I think you should move on.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Be prepared in any case for her to put the child first and that means if you do get serious with her, you ought to do the same. If you can't do that, just keep things light with her.
     
  13. alx

    alx
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    Thanks for all the replys. It's a difficult one to weigh up.

    I know that she wants me, and I know she wants a decent guy... Something she's never had.

    So the general consensus is if I'm to get more serious with her then I should be fully committed for life!.... I can do the committed bit just maybe not the life bit.

    She's only 18yrs old mind so she herself might not be looking for the relationship for life thing.

    I think a chat with her is in order.
     
  14. B_ILIW

    B_ILIW New Member

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    Would you want to aid in raising her kid? Any serious relationship may involve you being active in the kid's life.

    I'd agree with other posters that a friends with benefits may be best. This sounds bad, but I think single mothers are low on the dating totem-pole. It's not PC to say, but it's understandable.
     
  15. D_Clarice N Flaytable

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    Wow, I never knew kids where considered baggage how in the world did this information slip through my fingers :greddy2::bs2: I must remember it next time I fly to check my kids at the baggage claim area before stepping foot on the plane!!!!...

    Good lord next time use a different word to get more hits, kids arent baggage theyre little blessings which not everyone has the opportunity to have....
     
  16. D_Tam_Ponds

    D_Tam_Ponds Account Disabled

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    You don't have to decide up front that it is for life, that isn't what I'm saying at all. Yes, a chat should be in order. Honesty and maturity are key here. You may just find that she is the one, unquestionably and undeniably. Or maybe not - but honest and communication will lead you to that answer in time.
     
  17. Proud7

    Proud7 New Member

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    Ironically, I'm marrying a woman with a son next year, so I feel I can speak on this matter.

    OP, when I was your age, I swore down I would never seriously date a woman with a child. Not because I had any real issues with a child( though I certainly wasn't ready to be a 'daddy' figure), but I didn't want to deal with the drama that often comes with it i.e having to deal with the father in some way. I have since eased up on that mindset, not sure why. Perhaps just getting older, perhaps realizing that nowadays it's harder to find a woman in my age bracket who is single and childless. At least where I come from.

    I've been dating my fiance for 3 years now. I accepted that I would be 2nd to her child in terms of priority. I wouldn't dream of making her choose, because she would and should rightly choose her child. Really, that's not even a choice to make. Her child's father is essentially a deadbeat, he comes around every so often but he's not a factor in his life.

    For all purposes, I've taken on the role of being this boy's 'father', when it comes to support, advice, guidance, discipline, etc. And it's amazing how much he looks up to me as a role model. And you know what, I don't feel as though I was forced into this role. I accepted that in order to be serious with his mother, he would be in the equation. There's no getting around it. And frankly, it's impossible to know if you're capable of taking on someone else's child, until you're in the position. It's not something anyone and everyone can do, it really is up to the individual. But I've found that I'm as much in a relationship with her son, as I am her. I'm fine with that, but again it may not be for you. I would say at 21, that you probably aren't ready for that kind of thing, though I don't know you of course. But it is best to be very cautious and ask yourself some hard questions going into this situation.
     
  18. D_Rosalind Mussell

    D_Rosalind Mussell New Member

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    This. Kids are amazing if you open yourselves up to them.
     
  19. D_Edwin Eatser

    D_Edwin Eatser New Member

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    At the risk of being old-fashioned, do you love her? Does she love you? That's important. You don't mention that! These days the chances of finding a woman without 'a past' is about zero, so if you're in love then start a serious realtionship.

    But - years ago I got entangled with a woman who had kids, and eventually came to realize she was just after a man to look after her and them. She tried to get me to make her pregnant, but fortunately it didn't happen. Give the relationship time and see where it goes.
     
  20. AlteredEgo

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    When I had no-strings relationships with men who had children, I insisted that they keep their kids far away from me. I'm not the sort to seek exclusivity with a person for no reason. An exclusive relationship is ultimately the pursuit of a life together, or it is a complete waste of time as far as I am concerned. Since I knew we were not headed in that direction, that we were simply friends who usually had sex, and that there was nothing to lend permanence to our relationships, I wanted nothing to do with their children. How would the little ones feel if Auntie AlteredEgo just evaporated without explanation some day?

    I never met a man I wanted to date seriously who had offspring, so I have no practical advice in that direction.
     
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