Women with 'baggage'....

[alx]

Little update; last few weeks over xmas have been quiet, I backed off for a while as I didn't want to mess her about.

In that time ive had two other women on the go, and one of them has potential to became more that just friends with benefits.
Although a relationship with a person with no other commitments is far easier and less complicated I just dont get the same 'feeling' as i did with the mother of one.

We have been out a few times recently and have had a chat about both our circumstances, I really like this girl, i dont know why but its just a feeling I get that shes extra special.
Shes willing to take a risk and leave her bf for me [he's abusive so I really don't care about the moral dilemma tbh], so the relationship is progressing nicely.

Whatever happens im glad shes faced up to the fact that she really doesn't need an abusive partner, so whatever happens shes better off in my eyes. hopefully things will all work out, currently not spending too much time with her daughter as its early days.

thanks for the help.

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

Okay I admit I am in a pissy mood today but if anyone calls either one of my kids "baggage" they better prepare to get their ass kicked. I have a lot of baggage myself but that is all family drama, past relationships, abuse, etc. Obviously if this kid is "baggage" to you, you should move on.

I've dated guys with kids before and never thought of them as such. Maybe men see it differently.

Ha. I'm with ya sista! But I wouldn't give an ass kicking...I'd just not see them anymore. My kids are a part of me...and we're a package deal. I think I'm worth it! Not looking for a new dad for my kids but liking my kids and having a amicable relationship with my kids is preferred for a long term relationship. Honestly...if my kids didn't like the guy I was involved with, it would not be a long term thing at all.

 

[D_Barbi_Dahl]

Everyone has baggage of some kind. It's just a matter of whether you want to deal with another person's.

Agreed. Everyone has baggage...its baggage management that is the important thing. (although again, I don't think KIDS are baggage. Now ex's can be.)

 

[EmJay]

wow, you've pretty much put a nail on the head with regard to the way im thinking.

Do I like Children- yes.

If so, do you think you could love a child that was not your own by blood as much as if they were your own by blood?

-Possibly, overtime.

now whether you want to get married and move into role as "daddy," but if it is out of the question for you down the road - then don't take another step forward.

- Possibly. Theres no doubt that I can't do "daddy" but honestly I can't see myself marrying or settling at this time [im only 21].

but if it is out of the question for you down the road - then don't take another step forward. It would be a poor choice to put this girl and her child through that.

- This is my main concern, what if im not able to commit to a full blown family relationship. Do I risk possibly letting them down, even if I do have good intentions?

If marriage and children is a long term goal for you, then why would this situation really be a problem?

When you put it like that, no It wouldn't matter either way really. However marriage, children is a long term goal... a long long term goal.

make sure you go into things as a mature adult, because you have an innocent 3rd party involved that you need to make sure doesn't get hurt no matter what the outcome of your relationship.

I've lived in a houshold where my dad has cheated, my mum has cheated, I've had God knows how many step parents. Trust me the last thing I want to do is 'damage' an innocent.

Hope that helps

Yes, thank you.

I don't mind having a relationship with a single mum, In fact I quite like the idea of it. However just because I like the idea of it doesn't mean its a good idea.

Im just not sure on the whole long term full on family bit.

I haven't read all of the posts yet so this might be redundant..I don't know..

i just wanted to give my take on this having been friends or family with many single moms..

21 years old...don't go there. You still need so much personal growing to do..

Then again..I have seen single men ( even early 20-s) who were ready to be fathers or stepdads at that age.. The word daddy was written all over their faces.. all of the men that entered in relationships with single moms..and could stick with the woman..have also been in there because of the children.. They either had that in them naturally..or they had grown some liking or bonding with the child or children pretty fast..

Every one of them where the relationship turned out to be unsuccesful, have been with guys who were very doubtful at first, weren't able to deal with the always having to plan stuff, always sharing their time with the kid, always having to deal with sudden change in plans due to children getting sick, being obnoxious or no babysitters..or exes making a hassle..or...you name it. If you know you are still a bit egocentric, need alot of space, or have doubts ..(like asking this question...Freud would say..the reason you choose the word 'baggage'..is already very revealing)

when a single mom shares custody with their ex..in the beginning it can seem quite exciting..dating when she has her days off etc..but when you grow closer to each other and want to spend more time together, you will find yourself having to share her time more.

And in my experience..its been that that has caused too many of the issues that eventually lead to a breakup..leaving the single mom behind with shattered dreams..or worse a child that has felt they bonded with you..

If you are someone who cant connect to someone else's child immediately just because it isnt your own (or think you need alot of time) ...I would just advise you not to go there (or take things really really slow)..because..children aren't always sweet and nice..some need a lot of attention and that might cause a rift in your feelings for the mom as well.

 

[haulthat]

I don't think baggage is an inappropriate term. I think it can be taken to a bad place, like any other term, but it is what it is. If someone has something their bringing with them... no matter how valuable, how amazing, or wonderful it may be it is baggage. It's something that they had before you were in their life that their not going anywhere without. If they have it, it means you have to factor it in as far as their place in your life.