womens insight would be much appreciated

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by dkdkglfg, Aug 11, 2011.

  1. dkdkglfg

    dkdkglfg New Member

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    this is quite long!please bare with me

    to set the scene ( dont know where to start)...in 2006 i realised i was basically in love with my best friends sister (he was ok with it). she was seeing someone at the time. I couldn't hold it in and let her know how i felt, non verbally (text, email). she broke up with her man and on a night out we kissed (very drunk but both wanted it). then out of nowhere she changed her mind during THAT night. stomped! i thought this was the beginning of something special. Anyway follows rejection and that she loves me platonically. i went away for the summer she said she missed me and what not but got angry at me when i misconstrued it as her wanting to be with me. probably the most painful year in my life as unrequited love really hurt me.

    so fast forward 5 years. I remained in proximity to her since best friends with her brother. however I did not actually see her for long periods, only in the summers and stuff. Eventually got over her. found a new girlfriend, managed to fall for her, but unfortunately had to part ways.

    summer 2011, basically living together and have a relationship that is somewhat tense at times and is incredible at others. at this point im fine im still over her. then comes a week where its just us two hanging out all the time. She made me take photos of her in clothes that she wanted to sell. skimpiest outfits and im suppressing an erection. I couldnt hold back and caressed her stomach and hip bum area. She called me weird? Anyway i became so intensely horrifically nauseatingly attracted her and everything that i had put behind me came right back around crashing down on me! I told her again non verbally ( i know pussy right) and got rejected again. Now im so hung up about it. shes also leaving for 9 months to work abroad ( so timings was off to drop the bomb)

    Your help is to let me know what is it that i have to do and can you give me an insight into how shes feeling. She found me attractive before why not now again?? or just general view into this sad little story that i call my life

    any help would be much appreciated, thanks in advance
     
  2. ManlyBanisters

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    You can only take her at her word, believe that she doesn't want you and deal with it.

    Anyway, it doesn't really matter what she's feeling. It doesn't change a thing for you if she actually fancies you but believes a relationship would be doomed or if she likes you as a brother and doesn't want to be physical at all - for you the outcome is the same - no jiggy-jiggy.

    The only thing that matters is her actions. Right now she doesn't want to be involved with you as anything other than a friend. That's all you can act on. You have told her how you feel, she has responded. You are where you are. You could dump the 'somewhat tense at times and is incredible at others' girlfriend try to woo the friend's sister or you could chalk it up to a 'not the right time' experience and stick with what you have. You could also try to spend a little time thinking about whether you just really want to bone her or whether you have actual romantic feelings for her. And what about the girlfriend? Are you just settling for her or is she really valuable to you? Should you end things anyway?

    That's up to you.

    But no one can give you any insight into what the friend's sister is thinking but her. We can guess and tell you what we might have been thinking in similar situations, but that doesn't actually tell you anything about her. Take her at her word and respond accordingly. It's all any of us can do in our interactions with others.
     
  3. AlteredEgo

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    My best guess? She was curious once. She tested her curiosity, and found no sparks. Or, you said something that gave her insight into who you are; a person she could keep as a friend, but not as a lover. Either way, she's really not into you. She's probably irritated that you are ruining her friendship with you. If you can't keep it together, and stop pursuing her, you should avoid her.
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    My best friend would love to bone me, but I have no desire to bone him. He has a lovely girlfriend, and she absolutely hates me. But she need not worry because I don't want him in that way.

    It's a bitch. But that is how it is somtimes.

    - - - -

    As Manly Banisters suggests, separate your lust from your loyalties. You have a girlfriend. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
     
    #4 Not_Punny, Aug 12, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2011
  5. dkdkglfg

    dkdkglfg New Member

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    oh my god i just wrote a proper response and the page reloaded for no reason.

    I am going to make you annoyed in a minute but i have to clarify a few things first

    @Not_Punny & Manly Banisters: I am not with the girlfriend, lets call her Steph, we broke up in May due to things unrelated to this problem. also in my original paragraph beginning with 'SUmmer 2011' i wasn't basically living with my girlfriend but with the apple of my eye, lets call her Anna. HOwever a funny thing to note is that although Steph never met Anna, she hated her and I never even told steph about what happened between us. She just saw a few of photos of us on facebook and went mental. Admittedly one was of me in my boxers (getting ready for hot tub) and Anna sitting on my back, fully clothed mind you, I was with Steph at that time (2010) and even though thoughts crossed my mind I wouldn’t make a move, truth and loyalty ranks pretty high for me.

    @ManlyBanisters: My feeling for Anna are not just that I want to bone her. What stoked me is that after all these years I must have not really gotten over her, maybe its my character, Im still on good terms and like all my ex’s. This one however I have a soft spot for, she can do the most immature selfish things but I don’t stay angry for long, I just don’t care, since I believe I can make her better and make her happier. So yes I have actual romantic feelings for her.

    @AE: you just sliced through this topic like a piece of cake. I am going to annoy you the most since ive read some of you other concise responses. Yes I am scared that maybe she doesn’t find that spark or something I did that put me in the friend zone. She IS irritated that im ruining our friendship. I did ‘tell’ her that if we cannot sort this out in my favour I could not trust myself that these feelings will come back at a later date and ruin everything again, inconveniencing her again, therefore my solution was to not be friends at all. I have had no response and she avoided me for a few days until she left for a planned holiday. What I definitely know is that she is the most indecisive person ever and her judgement can be swayed on most topics. I am definitely not experienced in this actual romantic feelings thing but what is in my heart of hearts is that I feel this thing with Anna is just so right. I know I sound na├»ve and from her perspective probably that guy that just wont leave her alone.

    Therefore I am going to aggravate you people and force you to face palm, just like the other guys who did not listen to your wise words. Is there the tiniest hope that I can actually turn this around? I know I sound like a woman but I would actually wait for her, I am quite busy in other areas of my life to make it bearable (and lots of dates with miss palm would be needed). Basically is there any genuine tiny little hope for me from your point of view? From my point of view hope will never die I will always hope that something will perhaps change for the better one day.
     
  6. ManlyBanisters

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    You just fucking lost me.

    I was having a hard time caring about your little soap opera responses in that last post but that wee nugget there just made me actively want to slap you. You're a fucking idiot.

    Is there a chance you can turn this around? How the fuck should we know? We've never met the girl. Or you. But as stated I think you're a fucking idiot and therefore doomed.

    Fuck you very much, buh-bye!
     
  7. dkdkglfg

    dkdkglfg New Member

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    Haha, ill take it on the chin. Sorry for wasting your time
     
  8. EllieP

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    Wow, something like this just happened to my best friend. She was very close to the fellow who alas was labeled as "the nice guy." And he was. I really liked him, and he would do anything for you. They were close friends, and that's all she took it as. And that's all I saw it as.

    Suddenly, just a couple of weeks ago, out of the blue he professes a desire for her and expects her to reciprocate. All of a sudden he became a stranger. Seriously. This is not the guy we knew. He just stepped out of his well-defined personality into somebody else, and it kind of freaked her out as well as me. I didn't even believe her when she told me. Meg's a kidder and a shameless flirt. But now that this has happened the dynamics have changed, and she doesn't dare flirt or even joke anymore around him. In fact, she has hardly seen him, and she's trying to keep it that way.

    So, I'm wondering, is there a little pilot light in guys that keeps things warm and then suddenly flares up without warning?

    I used to get hit on, but I never had a friend express an undying love for me. I don't think I would know how to handle it without hurting him.

    Sorry, OP, I don't have a remedy for your pain, but I hope I gave you a glimpse at the other side.
     
  9. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    I've had FBs express undying love, and 1 friend who expressed an undying desire to be FBs, but no friends expressing undying love. I wouldn't know how to handle it either. In fact, I didn't know how to handle the friend who wanted to be FBs when I didn't.
     
  10. MickeyLee

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    stop now.
    while you are her friend.
    before you cross over into the land of asshole stalker.
     
    #10 MickeyLee, Aug 12, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2011
  11. AllHazzardi

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    Well, I know I'm no woman, but I grew up with nothing but women, so that's got to speak for something.

    The simplest way I can think of this comes down to three statements, two of details, one of alternative possibility.

    1. Women can be very fickle.
    2. Just because she doesn't want you now doesn't mean at some time she won't be done dealing with the "break up" class spite eventually.
    3. Maybe she really badly needed an excuse to get out of the other relationship, and you provided it by "chance"(really it's just a "Set-up" or a "lead-in" to something later). That'd mean nothing really happens now, but your presence and action lifted a huge gorilla of an issue that was piggybacking/backpacking. Believe it or not, when she puts thought to it, she might really appreciate that fortuitous situation and thank you for it... Nothing wrong with *ahem~ dirty joke hint* "Mutually Beneficial Friendships"....
     
  12. fire77

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    I really got into reading and feeling your story with all the genuine and sincere replies from the girls but once I got to this part (I know I sound like a woman), I felt exactly what MB said.

    Sorry no answer from me. you just a plonker.
     
  13. helgaleena

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    That was a very bad thing to say, that 'sounding like a woman' was a fault in yourself. But I am still going to answer you seriously.

    Posting photos of the two of you horsing around in a physical manner on your Facebook shows how your wishes have always been. Anything else is fooling yourself. But in her case, she is not going to change her mind, and if you cannot 'horse around physically' without lusting, better play hands off. And if she is unable to understand why you are aroused by her and thinks you need to do it simply to be friends, she's being cruel.

    Either way, you are being a masochist to pin any hopes on her. She already rejected you once and is probably getting secret jollies out of keeping you around to reject over and over again. Get away.

    Your remark about 'like a woman' reveals you know very little about how her mind, or any other person's, is working, and that is how she's able to exploit this.
     
  14. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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  15. helgaleena

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    You didn't waste any time except your own. And you are wasting your time if you think you can make anyone 'better' just by loving them. People have to choose to change. She isn't, she's selfish and gets what she wants from you already. It's you who cannot afford it. You need to value yourself more and look at the real her, which is going to stay self-centered.

    That is why Manly concludes that you are an idiot-- you believe in an illusion of love that is all in your own head. Your head is full of such illusions, such as 'taking on the chin' any criticism without actually having a feeling about it.

    Value your feelings, and when this girl hurts your feelings stop letting her.
     
  16. Not_Punny

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    ^ ^ ^ OMG, best post I've read all year.

    The OP is, unfortunately, in the throes of unrequitted love. That is NOT a pleasant position to be in. I assume that he wanted to hear something different than what he was hearing (otherwise, why ask what the girls think, and then say he's "taking it on the chin.")

    - - - -

    To the OP: Listen to Helgeena. She is wise and wonderful. Value yourself enough to find a relationship that will fulfill you. The girl, wonderful as she might be, is one of three billion people. If you keep your affections attached to her, you are probably going to waste a lot of time and energy. A girl knows if a guy tickles her fancy or not. Apparently, you don't tickle hers. Move on.

    - - - - -

    Oh, and to the poster who says that girls are fickle. What a load of bunk. What REALLY happens in this situation is that we have a perfectely good friend, and then he goes and ruins it with professions of undying love. WHO is the fickle one? (The guy with the unwanted wood. Duh.)
     
  17. hsarge

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    No reason to wonder that friendship, caring, similar interests,sharing of problems, ease of company, and empathy can evolve into love, for men or women. As we mature the factors that cause desire can chance form just attraction and lust. All the things that make for a socially pleasing comfortable companion with shared experiences can become the source of desire. I have always found some sexual pull towards close female friends, Maybe it is because one cares so much.
     
  18. AlteredEgo

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    You have already been properly chastised for your ugly sexism, so I will answer your ridiculous question with an annecdote. I apologize for typos. I am posting from my cell phone.


    I used to play an RPG with a bunch of people, including this really hot professor. So totally my type. Tall, strong, funny and nerdy. He is also a really good leader. If I were single when we met, I would have gone after him for sure. His presence makes me wetter. But I was not available, and eventually, neither was he. We didn't interact much out of character, but eventually he left the game and we stayed in touch. He knew I wasn't getting laid, even though I was married because as we became friends it came up. We talked about everything, and I really benefitted from his experiences. I think he is about ten years older than I.

    He began to share his writing with me and it was fantastic. I read voraciously; I could not get enough. Then one day he wrote me a poem. It was very long and encompassed topics our characters had discussed, and moments we shared as ourselves. It was so beautiful. I could only be flattered to be the object of love that could inspire that. I was, too. Deeply, deeply flattered. But I was also angry.

    What the fuck was he thinking? Did he really think I would drop everything, leave the man I love and go be with him? How could he possibly think I returned even a fraction of that love? How could we possibly remain friends with this out between us? I gave him a chance to save face and pretend it was written for someone else, and he took it. We tried to go on as we had been, but a few months later he broke off all contact with no explanation. It is for the best, really.

    If she is anything like me, you're just making her upset, and she wishes you would keep your unrequited feelings to yourself, or get lost if you can't.
     
  19. B_curiousme01

    B_curiousme01 New Member

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    It seems like she is only interested in using you to make herself feel better. Anyone who knows that someone really cares for them and does not recpriocate would never ask you to take pics of themselves in minimal clothing.

    She sounds like someone who likes to gain power by playing games. Run.
     
  20. dkdkglfg

    dkdkglfg New Member

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    ok, i realise my obvious forum sexism. All after reading some of the post i realise that no matter how i try to redeem myself it will be pointed out that deep down unbeknownst to me i am actually a sexist pig. I would like to try to defend myself that I am actually quite a loud and say things like that but you have to see my face and body language that i mean no harm. I dont know you may think i am here defending myself and trying to get you to like me because im some egocentric/narcissist!? I dont know the right terminology and thats not the point. Every single forum deviates from the original topic which is annoying when you think oh this topic will have an answer but it doesnt, which may be a reason for topics getting covered to death? This forum is incredibly absorbing though. Back to egocentricness, isnt everyone at times, but this is not my purpose right now. I believe if you sympathise with me and better understand where im coming from and would be more willing to try and help me out. End of ends still a selfish cause i realise now but i hope honesty goes far here?? But can this once again confusing paragraph be stand alone and not let the threat spiral out. I know i will be wrong on many counts to different people on what i wrote just now but am i not allowed to be wrong more times than others. so im sorry for offence that shouldnt even have come out accidentally.




    so i have decided to just completely lose contact with anna since everyone basically pointed out that im confused and emotionally challenged. What has opened my mind slightly after going through lpsg is that alot of people are so different to me and what I believed to be a generalisation of society. monogamy. there are a lot of people out there that are married several times and have numerous FB's and what not. I am probably weak but I cannot imagine having to concentrate on more than one relationship. what my point is that in my upbringing maybe that has cemented in me that there is only one person right for me which is making it so hard for me to to completely get over anna even after all those years where i was consciously not interested in her but deep down I apparently was.

    so the original intention for taking it to the womans forum is to have you just give me your point of view on my situation if you were in annas shoes, which some have given it thank you. This was brought up in hope because my hope feeds on it. Imagine a guy you were sexually attracted to but put in the friend zone, and you have crossed the friend barrier into BF before (Anna slept with and then went out with one of her best friends). Is there anything in the realm of normality that would make you change your view? What I have picked up on slightly is that when a woman is unsure she will give you a window of opportunity when you have already given up all hope and you do nothing, then you realise and do everything but the door is closed. I am just terrible at reading people in general, but thats for another thread.

    However the subject is closed since i have decided to leave her alone therefore you shouldnt feed my hope its just i thought clarification would be good.
     
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