Women's Only Please: The Use of Force During Sex

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by petite, May 10, 2010.

  1. petite

    petite New Member

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    There's some debate on the "Do some women actually like to be gagged with a large penis?" thread about the use of force during sex.

    I wrote this in that thread. This is what is under dispute:

    -If you're incapable of discussing these things beforehand, you aren't mature enough to be doing this with a woman. (talking about using force during sex)

    -Even if a woman loves something involving force, you still need to discuss things verbally before you ever do anything involving force in a sexual situation.

    This is true for me. I enjoy force during sex, but I don't want a man to just start using force with me without talking about what turns me on and what I want first. I don't want a man I don't trust to use force with me, and I wouldn't trust him if he just began using force without ever talking to me about it. I think without any discussion at all, if he just began using force with me, it would freak me out. I wouldn't trust him any more.

    I also feel it's also important to do so in order to protect a man from being accused of sexual assault or rape in case of mis-communication, which would be a problem if a man is only relying on non-verbal communication and body language.

    Several men disagree with me about whether other women feel the same. They say that body language can suffice and talking ruins the fun and that they know that other women want a man to just dominate them without talking about it first. They feel that men shouldn't talk about it first, and that they should just go by feel whether the use of force is okay and how much force to use.

    I do not know how many other women feel the way that I do. How do you feel about it? Do you disagree?

    Women only please!
     
    #1 petite, May 10, 2010
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  2. HiddenLacey

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    Personally roughness can be ok. Force without prior discussion and trust with the person would be out of the question.

    Now if we are in the middle of doing something and I am uncomfortable with it I am going to tell him. I think things happen when your caught in the moment. If a man is inclined to Domination during sex he needs to talk to his partner about it. I have been reading that thread Petite and I thought you were handling it rather nicely so I stayed out of it :)
     
  3. petite

    petite New Member

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    Oh, why thank you!

    Roughness = Force in my definition. How are the two different to you? Can you be more specific?
     
  4. HiddenLacey

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    Hmmm ok

    Holding my hands down beside my head tightly=roughness, would be ok but if I struggle or asked to be let go I expect him to do it, if he doesn't=force. The topic under discussion in the other thread. If I'm giving a bj and he's holding my head and I pull back that means let go= this is roughness I think that a lot of times they may put their hands on you the guide you and may get alittle excited and be alittle rough. Holding my head down and keeping me there or forcing themselves deeper and GAGGING me on purpose without my prior consent is considered force, I think that there is a fine line between the two terms. And all women will vary on the way they feel about it. Most relantionships especially new one's people have to feel each other out.

    If I were in a new relantionship with someone and we were trying to be intimate for the first time being rough and forceful would not get a good reaction from me and unless we had a serious talk about it our relantionship would be finished. If I were a onenight stand type of person NO amount of roughness would be tolerated. If I don't trust the guy I'm not going to be comfortable with him asserting dominance over me. I think that if your mature enough to have sex you should be mature enough to talk to your partner about things, body language is not always a good indicator of what your partner is feeling.
     
    #4 HiddenLacey, May 10, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2010
  5. petite

    petite New Member

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    Thank you for answering, submissivegirl83! :smile:

    My feelings are very close to yours. I have no real life examples of guys I've dated who crossed a line with me. I've never dated a man who tried either roughness or force without talking to me about it first and finding out if I like it. Not a serious, boring, mood-killing kind of talk, though. It's usually sexy discussion like, "Hey, I really like this, this turns me on, this drives me crazy. Let's do that!" "Yeah, I like that, too, and this and this also!" When you talk about sex you should turn each other on, not kill the mood or ruin the fun. If it does, then you're doing it wrong. :tongue:

    I am curious about how other LPSG women feel about this.
     
    #5 petite, May 10, 2010
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  6. HiddenLacey

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    Exactly! And fyi my name does not mean submissive like BDSM. I was actually told I could change it. I just want to clarify that so that people understand my answers. I am submissive but not in the way people refer to it normally. I have had an experience with force. I will always expect someone to speak to me about it before he does it simply because if they are close enough to me to have sex with me they are going to understand that clarification is ALWAYS needed when force is used during sex.
     
  7. dolfette

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    force...
    i love it!
    but if a new partner tried it, without checking that i was cool with it, i would treat it as an attempted rape.
    it's not cool and it's not clever. i'm going to defend myself and it's going to hurt.

    i don't need a conversation. i just need enough of a relationship build up to understand each others' needs.

    most importantly, i need to know he's using force because he knows i dig force, and not because he's the sort or arsehole who would force a woman.
     
  8. Gillette

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    Having a discussion about precise details about force of thrust, depth of thrust, hair pulling, grip, etc can destroy the mood and are things you likely won't even know until you've actually had sex with a particular partner. These things can also change depending on arousal.

    For example I generally hate having my ass slapped during sex but one partner did it and with him I fucking loved it! I wouldn't have experienced that had I eliminated the possibility beforehand.

    I think aggression/force is something that should be ramped up gradually during sex or as a familiarity and comfort with your partner grows, all the while paying close attention to your partners responses. If they're enjoying it you can step it up a little more but any sign of discomfort, displeasure or resistance and you should back off immediately. Communication both verbal and non verbal is key during sex moreso than a discussion prior, IMO.

    I also don't see how this is something that just women should be discussing about men. This goes both ways. Some men like a finger in their ass while others would consider this violating. Some men really like having their balls tortured that doesn't mean a woman should just start slapping away with a new partner. It's horseshit to be setting rules for men only to follow.

    A man I was with has discovered new enjoyment because he let me explore different things with him that intellectually he would have rejected but when in the moment gave him ecstasy. This transpired by gradually ramping up what I was doing and paying attention to how he responded as it progressed. It never would have happened had we sat down with a checklist ahead of time.


    Definitely if you find a mismatch of styles or attitudes it should be discussed but I don't think setting absolute do and don't limits prior to sex allows the same opportunity to explore your sexual limits.
     
    #8 Gillette, May 10, 2010
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  9. dolfette

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    gillette, you've summed up how i like it to work.
    sex conversations leave me cold...and afterwards everything they do feels, to me, like they're just reading through the script.
     
  10. petite

    petite New Member

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    Oh, I'm not talking about scripting anything, but if you're with a new partner, you can show them some porn that's like the kind of stuff you like and say that you enjoy that sort of thing, or if you like a rough blowjob, like I do, you can bring it up to your partner that what really turns you on about a great blowjob, and really turn them on with how you describe it and make him want to do it by making it sound like so much fun.

    Guys tend to act like talking about sex is like doing your taxes or reading a contract. It should be like really good verbal foreplay or phone sex.

    There has to be some way for a new lover to know what revs your engine and what doesn't. I'm not up for just waiting for a guy to just accidentally hit upon the things I like by endless non-verbal experimentation or by just trying out whatever kinks he enjoys on me without running the idea past me first somehow! I'm not into men who are so hung up on talking about sex that he can't tell me what turns him on or ask me what turns me on. That applies to sex with or without force.
     
    #10 petite, May 10, 2010
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  11. dolfette

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    what you describe is a massive turn off for me.
    so huge a turn off that i can't put it into words.

    it works for you? great!
    but not for me.
     
  12. HiddenLacey

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    I agree with this as well. I think it depends on the person and how long we've been together. This whole conversation has made me really start thinking about this now. I've really never discussed sex with anyone before hand. I mean we've talked about things. But not like a checklist. More like things we had done and experienced. I've decided to change my answer somewhat just to say. That if I'm having sex with the person I obviously trust him enough NOT to hurt me and I'm perfectly capable of saying STOP whatever he's doing that I don't like. And I have had my current boyfriend be rough with me without talking about it before or afterward and I've also looked at him and said stop it. I will dwell on this now thoughout my day:biggrin1:
     
  13. petite

    petite New Member

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    What does work for you? You said that you love force and you want a guy to clear it with you before he uses force. How do you communicate with him about wanting force? How do you want him to tell you he wants to use force?

    These are the particular issues under dispute. I am curious how you feel about it.
     
  14. petite

    petite New Member

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    See, if a guy just started getting more and more violent with me in a particular situation and we never talked about it at all, then I think it start to freak me out at some point, at a much lower level of violence than if it were discussed verbally.

    The situation under discussion was rough facefucks, which I do enjoy. I like them. Let me make that clear.

    If we started with gentle blowjobs and he just started getting more and more rough with me with every blowjob, then I think I would grow concerned that he seems to be getting more and more violent when his cock is in my mouth and that would make me feel uncomfortable. I think I would feel less trusting towards him because I wouldn't really know what's going on there.

    That's counter-productive in my opinion. I feel like rough facefucks require that I trust my partner. If his goal is to ramp up the violence to brutal facefuck level, I think I'd freak out long before he reached his goal and I'd be worried about his behavior in bed.

    If he told me to begin with that he loves brutal facefucks but he wants to start slowly, then if he became rougher and rougher with me, I'd know what was going on there and I'd trust him. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable so easily. My body language would indicate a greater level of comfort and he'd probably get what he wanted.

    Now, let's say that he's really good at reading body language, and he stopped when I began feeling uncomfortable because he could sense that I felt uncomforatble. He's still made me feel uncomfortable, and more than likely I've begun feeling uncomfortable long before he's fulfilled his desired kink because the not knowing why he's getting so rough and not knowing what's going on with him will make me feel uncomfortable with force at a much lower level of force than I would feel if we'd just talked about it in the beginning, which means we're both unsatisfied. Not talking isn't working out there.
     
    #14 petite, May 10, 2010
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
  15. dolfette

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    i'm very good at non verbal communication.
    sometimes just a glance will do. a facial expression, the tension in his body, the energy of the moment.
    sometimes, as gillette says, it's an on going process, a testing of bounderies.
    i've never had any problems with getting a guy to, say, pin my wrists. i lead them with my body language and my reactions.
     
  16. HazelGod

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    I read this thread title and expected for some reason to see a discussion about secret Jedi pussy tricks.

    As you were...
     
  17. dolfette

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    yes, which is why it's important to shag people who pick up on your reactions too.
     
  18. HiddenLacey

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    That is EXACTLY what I was saying. I don't think that the guy is going to go crazy in the beginning. You grow to know each other and try new things. Eventually he's going to ramp it up. But in the beginning I would not expect it at all. I imagine your BF was like this with you. In the beginning things are new and he doesn't know if he can go there with you. I've always made sure that if something happened I was not comfortable with that I let him know immediately so he would not continue thinking I was ok with it.
     
  19. petite

    petite New Member

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    If the bf had just on his own started getting rougher and rougher with me during any sex and he never brought it up with me during any discussion in any way, I think at some point I'd worry about him. I don't think it would have been cool with me. I'd bring it up and demand to talk about it. Except I don't think it would be a sexy sexy talk. It'd be more like, "Honey, you're acting in a way that's making me worried."
     
  20. petite

    petite New Member

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    Yes, but I wouldn't feel uncomfortable at all if he just said, I enjoy doing this and that, etc. Why settle for a vaguely uncomfortable and hesitantly pulled back play scenario when you can have the whole exciting thing if you just talked about what turns you on?
     
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