Women's Only Please: The Use of Force During Sex

[HiddenLacey]

If the bf had just on his own started getting rougher and rougher with me during any sex and he never brought it up with me during any discussion in any way, I think at some point I'd worry about him. I don't think it would have been cool with me. I'd bring it up and demand to talk about it. Except I don't think it would be a sexy sexy talk. It'd be more like, "Honey, you're acting in a way that's making me worried."

Yes so at that point I would do the same thing and bring it up and tell him. This is hurting me or making me uncomfortable etc. I guess sometimes they wouldn't know and maybe they would THINK that we like it and keep getting rougher. I think in the end it's our responsibility to tell them yes or no. So I do think that someone could be rough with me and I wouldn't get offended I would simply tell him if it was too much.

 

[petite]

So far it looks like three out of the four of us so far are leaning towards not talking about using force during sex? Guys should just do it, just as long as they start slowly and are good at reading your body language?

 

[petite]

Yes so at that point I would do the same thing and bring it up and tell him. This is hurting me or making me uncomfortable etc. I guess sometimes they wouldn't know and maybe they would THINK that we like it and keep getting rougher. I think in the end it's our responsibility to tell them yes or no. So I do think that someone could be rough with me and I wouldn't get offended I would simply tell him if it was too much.

So, are you in favor of men who want to use force to just go ahead and do it without talking about it with us and it's up to us to say no?

I'm personally of the opinion that that's not a good strategy for either men or women to follow in order to get what you want.

 

[HiddenLacey]

So far it looks like three out of the four of us so far are leaning towards not talking about using force during sex? Guys should just do it, just as long as they start slowly and are good at reading your body language?

Sex conversations could get uncomfortable, but I would feel ok with talking about it. I'm on the fence petite. I wouldn't like to think someone I trusted would intentionally force me. I think I was thinking of it more like doing this with a random person, then I realised WAIT I've never had that happen, he's just always done whatever and I've just always said if I didn't like it. The first time I had sex with my bf we hadn't discussed everything beforehand. He's never said hey do you mind if I slap your butt during sex... he just does it and sometimes i'm ok and sometimes I say stop it. I've had him thrust to hard before and I've immediately clamped my legs against him or put my hands on his chest and if he hasn't understood I've said stop maybe one of the more experienced people would be better off answering this question

 

[dolfette]

Yes, but I wouldn't feel uncomfortable at all if he just said, I enjoy doing this and that, etc. Why settle for a vaguely uncomfortable and hesitantly pulled back play scenario when you can have the whole exciting thing if you just talked about what turns you on?

that's you.

me, i've almost never had those uncomfortable moments.
and talking about an act kills all the magic of it, so it's worse than uncomfortable, it's ruined.

the way i do it works for me. those moments you describe as uncomfortable have never happened. he communicates a request, i communicate a decline, we move on. no big deal.

i couldn't sleep with an, ''i love it when you...'' type.

 

[petite]

Dan Savage on talking about your kinks and finding others into your kinks at 1:30

YouTube - Dan Savage on Finding Others Who Are Into Your Kink

It's how I feel about getting what you want in bed.

 

[dolfette]

So far it looks like three out of the four of us so far are leaning towards not talking about using force during sex? Guys should just do it, just as long as they start slowly and are good at reading your body language?

no, guys should read your body language and then do it whilst continuing to read.

 

[petite]

Sex conversations could get uncomfortable, but I would feel ok with talking about it. I'm on the fence petite. I wouldn't like to think someone I trusted would intentionally force me. I think I was thinking of it more like doing this with a random person, then I realised WAIT I've never had that happen, he's just always done whatever and I've just always said if I didn't like it. The first time I had sex with my bf we hadn't discussed everything beforehand. He's never said hey do you mind if I slap your butt during sex... he just does it and sometimes i'm ok and sometimes I say stop it. I've had him thrust to hard before and I've immediately clamped my legs against him or put my hands on his chest and if he hasn't understood I've said stop maybe one of the more experienced people would be better off answering this question

Slapping your butt isn't exactly a brutal facefuck. There's a large difference in the level of force there!

If his goal is something very forceful, are you saying that you don't want to hear about it before he just slowly ramps it up, and ramps it up, and ramps it up...

 

[petite]

that's you.

me, i've almost never had those uncomfortable moments.
and talking about an act kills all the magic of it, so it's worse than uncomfortable, it's ruined.

the way i do it works for me. those moments you describe as uncomfortable have never happened. he communicates a request, i communicate a decline, we move on. no big deal.

i couldn't sleep with an, ''i love it when you...'' type.

In the scenario I was talking about, we're talking mid-facefuck, his cock is in your mouth, he's got his hands on your head, he's thrusting in and out of your mouth/throat, that's a high level of force in my opinion. To get up to that level, he's reading you during other blowjobs, less forceful ones, not ramping up the force if he detects in your body language that with your mouth full that you want or don't want more... I don't see him getting what he wants. He's always going to stop before it gets very forceful, isn't he? Because he's trying to read your mind and he's afraid of crossing a line? That's what I meant by hesitantly pulled back play scenarios.

Every man I've ever dated has been incredibly afraid of accidentally crossing a line with force or violence. When they try to read me, they over-correct with the carefulness. Even the one guy I felt I was so close to that he could almost read my mind, he still did that.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Dan Savage on talking about your kinks and finding others into your kinks at 1:30

YouTube - Dan Savage on Finding Others Who Are Into Your Kink

It's how I feel about getting what you want in bed.

Lol that made me laugh when he was talking about the furries:tongue: Ok I'll say this now I'm am completely guilty of not talking about it. If the guy doesn't ask me I've never brought it up. There are many things that I think about that I know I really maybe should talk about that I haven't. I would though if he asked me. So maybe I am one of the he does it and I say yes or no types. I know my boyfriend has literally walked into the room with rope one time and I just smiled and let him tie me up. We've never done it since then and we've never talked about it. But IF I hadn't been interested I wouldn't have done it. Maybe I'm embarassed about bringing it up again. I have now decided that I am extremely hard on men and they have to read my mind

 

[dolfette]

In the scenario I was talking about, we're talking mid-facefuck, his cock is in your mouth, he's got his hands on your head, he's thrusting in and out of your mouth/throat, that's a high level of force in my opinion. To get up to that level, he's reading you during other blowjobs, less forceful ones, not ramping up the force if he detects in your body language that with your mouth full that you want or don't want more... I don't see him getting what he wants. He's always going to stop before it gets very forceful, isn't he?

it's a two way conversation!

he doesn't just do until you pull away.

i don't like deep, so my hands are always on his thighs, keeping him at the distance i can handle. the pressure of my hands and the sounds i make have always been either encouraging more or signalling enough.

if anything it's more efficient and effective than talking it through, because it allows for sudden changes of mood. it allows me to suddenly encourage what is normally discouraged.

 

[Gillette]

It comes down to communication styles, be that gender styles or the individual.

Generalizing here but I think it's understood that most men communicate in a fact based manner where women are more descriptive. I don't think it's difficult to understand why for some it's off putting to delineate something as passionate as sex into "this, this & this". Few know how to make such descriptions mood inspiring while still putting limits in there.

Even with communication there's bound to be errors of interpretation. For some the term face fucking implies "brutal" as the term "fucking" doesn't lend itself to images of gentle love making, so while one partner facefucking simply means the man thrusting into their mouth at an easy pace and depth, another might interpret that to be going all out.

Again different partners can change the parameters. Say one enjoyed a a brutal face fucking from a previous partner whose size caused them no issue. Confronted with a size they can't easily handle suddenly means the "brutal" needs to be less so.

It's like bragging that you love to be pounded oh so hard but then realizing with a particular partner you can only take him pounding the shit out of you with the first 3/4 of his dick. It's not the man's fault for going past limits you didn't communicate or even know you had.

Each new thing, each new intensity and limit will be a learning process with each new partner. No mater how carefully you discuss something ahead of time, you'll never know for sure until you do it. Experience is the greatest teacher.

For another old adage let's think about silence being consent. If a partner tests your limits and you're uncomfortable with it but don't express that either during or after you shouldn't blame that partner if they test those same limits even further beyond your comfort levels the next time.

Nobody reads minds.

 

[Gillette]

I'd bring it up and demand to talk about it. Except I don't think it would be a sexy sexy talk. It'd be more like, "Honey, you're acting in a way that's making me worried."

So?

If it needs to be said it needs to be said.

 

[dolfette]

Every man I've ever dated has been incredibly afraid of accidentally crossing a line with force or violence. When they try to read me, they over-correct with the carefulness. Even the one guy I felt I was so close to that he could almost read my mind, he still did that.

then talking works for you.

but not for everyone.
there's no one-size-fits-all here.

 

[HiddenLacey]

Slapping your butt isn't exactly a brutal facefuck. There's a large difference in the level of force there!

If his goal is something very forceful, are you saying that you don't want to hear about it before he just slowly ramps it up, and ramps it up, and ramps it up...

NO because I'm going to tell him to stop before it ever gets to that point. so there would be our discussion I would bring it up afterward and tell him I wasnt comfortable with it.

 

[petite]

it's a two way conversation!

he doesn't just do until you pull away.

i don't like deep, so my hands are always on his thighs, keeping him at the distance i can handle. the pressure of my hands and the sounds i make have always been either encouraging more or signalling enough.

if anything it's more efficient and effective than talking it through, because it allows for sudden changes of mood. it allows me to suddenly encourage what is normally discouraged.

That works really well for finding a compromise between what you want and what he wants, but I don't think that works if you want to fulfill a particular kink and you want to let your partner know that you have one and you have a desire to fulfill it.

 

[petite]

NO because I'm going to tell him to stop before it ever gets to that point. so there would be our discussion I would bring it up afterward and tell him I wasnt comfortable with it.

So, if he has a kink like a brutal facefuck, just try being more and more forceful until you say no, but don't tell you that he has a kink he wants to fulfill?

I'm pro-kink myself. I believe in fulfilling his kinks and him fulfilling mine. If we use the non-verbal, "I'll tell you when to stop" I don't see how either of us are going to get our desires satisfied because that method would seem to stop at some compromise between my kink and where you want to stop, which probably won't be at whatever kink I have.

 

[petite]

then talking works for you.

but not for everyone.
there's no one-size-fits-all here.

Oh, I agree with you, I'm just enjoying the discussion about it. It's interesting. :smile:

 

[HiddenLacey]

So, if he has a kink like a brutal facefuck, just try being more and more forceful until you say no, but don't tell you that he has a kink he wants to fulfill?

I'm pro-kink myself. I believe in fulfilling his kinks and him fulfilling mine. If we use the non-verbal, "I'll tell you when to stop" I don't see how either of us are going to get our desires satisfied because that method would seem to stop at some compromise between my kink and where you want to stop, which probably won't be at whatever kink I have.

NO I would actually rather if he told me he liked that upfront. I was saying that I am guilty of not telling them what I want. There are a million things that have ran through my mind that I have never spoken of with anyone.

 

[dolfette]

That works really well for finding a compromise between what you want and what he wants, but I don't think that works if you want to fulfil a particular kink and you want to let your partner know that you have one and you have a desire to fulfil it.

i've managed to fulfil a hell of a lot of kinks, so i beg to differ.

this topic is closer to me than most because i'm not a talker. i might say a few hundred words a day, and if the kids are away then i might go days without speaking. i'm economical with my words.
conversations about what i want in bed are, frankly, nothing but a tedious chore.

non-verbal communication can be extremely intimate and in depth. many social animals communicate almost entirely this way. it can be a whisper or a shout.