I have enjoyed viewing this forum for some time I think that you guys put out some honest and helpful comments. I need to get something that is screwing up my head out on paper and seek some advice. I am straight and enjoy sex with women. While Mr. Johnson is no trophy like most on this site, it works fine and I have never had any complaints. Occasionally, I have gone to the other side for some experimentation. Maybe two or three times a year. I am not a cruiser and the situations just happen. The last three were a guy I was matched up to play in a racket ball tournament, a sales clerk at the suit store and a married guy in my office building. I guess the guilt keeps me from being more active, but in a way I think this is all I need. Something happened two weeks ago that has helped me sort this out. I called an ad in a local rag that has massage persons and titty bars ads in it. I picked a man whose ad stated that he was licensed and did Swedish massages, etc. I made the appointment and his business was in his apartment. That should have been my first clue. He had a spare bedroom set up as a professional massage studio or so it appeared. He was in his late twenties, not handsome but very athletic well build, but I did not feel any sexual attraction what so ever. I stripped down to my shorts. He asked me if I wanted to remove my shorts or not, whatever I was comfortable with. Since he asked, I guess I assumed the most people must get a massage naked so I took them off and laid down on the table on my stomach. He started with my legs and worked up. The pressure he applied at times was painful and he would hold the pressure until the muscle relaxed. He massaged the hell out of my butt and that got me stiff. He massaged my shoulders and back wonderfully. I was so relaxed probably never been so completely relaxed. He nudged me to roll over on my back. I was dreading it because I was stiff plus I could feel the flow of dick honey. I was very embarrassed because I looked down and saw this little puddle of dick honey on my belly. I laid down and just closed my eyes trying not to think about my hard and the mess on my belly, like pretending they both didnt exist. Then, he said do you want me to take care of that? I said yes, HONESTLY thinking he was talking about wiping off the pre cum. I mean,I didn't think that he wanted to mix pre cum with massage oil. Within a second, his hand was on my dick. I know I flinched and thought that this is crossing the professional boundaries etc., but then I thought: ok, I am a big boy and I got myself into this situation and I can handle it. He skinned me back and put some massage oil around my head and slid me forward. He placed his thumb just under my head and began massaging slowly. I almost lost my hard but it came back. He just kept rubbing there, the same pressure and same speed. I had to really work at it because he did not vary the pressure or speed. I lasted about three minutes or less but it seemed like an eternity. When I came, I swear my whole body left the table and I shot up under my chin on my throat. I have never done that. It was like my entire insides was trying to get out through my pee hole. I was wasted. He put a sheet over me and left the room. I did not know what to do; I just laid there wondering if I had the strength to get off the table. Finally, I got up and started to dress. He asked me if I wanted a hot shower and I said no. I dont remember if there was any more conversation. I just paid him and left. I was floating,, if I didnt have to drive the car, I could have slept for three days. This experience has been on my mind a lot. It was not a traumatic or unpleasant experience by any means, just unexpected. What came to me yesterday while trying to analyze why I have the need to mess around on the other side occasionally is this: SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO BE MADE LOVE TO. Can you guys understand that? I love sex with women, but dam it; I am tired of doing all the work. All the worry, am I going to get her off, am I going to stay hard, am I big enough, am I going to cum too soon. Most women I have had are fairly passive, maybe not totally but I have never had one that would take charge or initiate anything. Why does all the foreplay have to be my responsibility and directed towards the women? A lot of women my age are not into giving head but I hear the younger ones are. I keep my foreskin finger licking clean and would never expect someone to go there if it wasnt. Most guys give head because they want to; most women view it as a chore. Also a man can recognize the nuisances of another mans body. Womens havent got a clue. Do you ever wish there was a time when you could just lay there and be made love to? Thats what it felt like on that massage table. I was totally relaxed, I felt no pressure to do anything but lay there and let it happen. I knew I could stay or leave, it was totally up to me. I see now why I like to slip over to the other side once in awhile. I love the passion coming back at me as intense as the passion I am putting out. I love the two-way foreplay, some aggression, some force. Men dont make other men responsible of their orgasisms. I LOVE BEING MADE LOVE TO. I like being laid once in awhile and I dont mean what you think, instead of me doing the laying. With another man you know if sex has been good for both of you, the evidence is either on your chest, in your mouth or up somewhere else. I know I cant expect one night stands to know my needs any more that I would know hers. However, I have been in some long term relationships and I still wasnt able to feel like she was putting a 100% effort out. Many women have a mindset that says let them take what they want and never make any demands on you, except to get it over with. Or maybe I am no good at sex. But I think that I am very considerate to a womans needs and always try hard to satisfy her first. I do oral. How do you tell a woman that you want your nipples pinched while you are about to cum, without sounding queer? I guess all this brings me to the conclusion that I am more bi than I thought. But that might not be necessary if I was able to find the right women. I am not looking for an Amazon with a whip, I just wish women would realize that sometimes a man likes a woman to take charge of the love making and give the man a rest. Does wanting to be a little passive in bed sometimes mean a man is gay? Is this a major point in what makes a man gay? I am just very confused. Will I ever go back? I am not sure.