Wondering

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Kimahri, Jan 21, 2005.

  1. Kimahri

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    Well, you guys have been great and such. Been pretty helpful in alot of areas for me and thankful for that. Didn't know what to expect here.

    Anyway, someone mentioned about male molestation at the hands of another man and I had a question about it because of personal experience, but wasn't sure if this was the place to bring it up.
     
  2. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    Sure you can bring it up here. What's your problem honey?
     
  3. txquis

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    Actually, we handle the serious problems pretty well here.
    You will get some good advice, i hope.
    Many people here have had similar experiences.
     
  4. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    Go ahead and ask, Kimahri, and don't worry about how it sounds. We're here as friends.

    We don't just offer hugs - although we're pretty good at that, too. ;)
     
  5. jonb

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    Yeah, it's cool. (Talking about molestation, not actually molesting someone, that is.)
     
  6. yaoifun

    yaoifun New Member

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    Even though I'm a newbie technically, i can already tell i could explain all of my problems annd people iwll actually listen and respond. If you know where the guy is, you can bet we'll kick his ass! We're all here for ya rain or shine :) ^_^
     
  7. Pappy

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    And if you know where he is now you can still have him prosecuted as child molestation does not have a statute of limitations.
     
  8. madame_zora

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    Actually, we haven't talked about this in a while, I'm sure you'll find you are certainly not alone, Kimahri. We are here through thick and thin if you feel like getting it off your chest.
     
  9. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    This place seems like a great place for this type of discussion - I am sure you will find that you are not alone in your experience...
     
  10. jonb

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    Yeah, but the issue is evidence. Rape has a six-year statue of limitations here in Cali, ten (or a year after the test turns positive) if there's DNA. But the problem is, you have to tell someone about rape within the first couple days before the vagina heals, or find a video of it.
     
  11. Kimahri

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    Ok, so years ago, I was a fratjock type and such. I was new to being gay and such and a "friend" of mine was helping me out with stuff. Well, I didn't know there was a bet on who was going to do me first, so one night we go out and his expressed purpose was to get me liquored up and take advantage of me. Well, I was young an pretty inexperienced drinker so I ended up passing out, but he did me anyway.

    That being said, I've not been able to tolerate a gay black dude putting his hands on me without getting ready to fight with them. It's also made me kinda distrusting of gay guys in general. Kinda a problem as I am gay. So, I'm wondering if there is like specialist that deal in getting past these issues and such. General therapy did ok, but at 3-4 times a month visit, wasn't anywhere near enough to break the ice enough to get me back into things.

    Info and suggestions are more than welcome.
     
  12. jonb

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    There are specialists dealing with rape; you can get in touch with the National Organization for Women and ask them about rape counselors.
     
  13. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    I hope you find some good help - because that seems like a pretty sad and traumatic situation that happened to you...But remember - you are not alone in your situation...
     
  14. Atlrabbit

    Atlrabbit New Member

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    The is a lot of help available and the wounds can heal...maybe not forgotten...but healed. Call the gay crisis hotline in your area and ask for a rape counselor referral...many work on a sliding pay scale if money is the issue. There is also a lot of help on the web...you might try http://after-words.org/malerape.htm as a start. or just do a search for "male rape" on google.

    Plus, from the reactions of those before me...I am positive you will find a lot of men in your same situation...some with experiences in assualt rape and others with experiences in repeated rape by someone they trusted or admired. The worse crime is the feeling you are at fault; or feeling the victim in every situation; or not beginning the healing process with so many resources, especially when there is help available...professional help or help from friends. Life is to short to carry that heavy dark cloud...the sun is aching to come through...but you have to be in a position to let through. Sharing your experience releases it...

    Hoping for the best for you...
     
  15. madame_zora

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    Kimahri, your post breaks my heart! It is a sad thing that anyone would get their kicks by so cruelly using another human being, but sadly, you are not alone. I can completely relate to what you've said because I've experienced it too. This is what a support group is all about. One on one counsellors can be good, if they are sincere and if they know what they are talking about, but I got far more comfort from friends and small interest groups than from private counsellors, although Women Helping Women was a good resource for help. I don't know what groups are available for gay men, but I will help you look if you'd like some assitance.
    My suggestion would be to talk about it, and often, with anyone who will listen. For me, there was never an "aha!" experience that made it all better, but the passing of time, and the effort I put into renegotiating who I am as a person just made me feel less connected to it and controlled by it eventually. There are no quick fixes, but as horrifying as it sounds, having to go through some type of self-discovery can eventually make a more well-rounded person of you in the end. Godspeed in your search for peace!

    One thing that I see in your post is that you are attributing what happened to you to all men who "fit the profile" of the doer. This is a very normal reaction, so don't beat yourself up for it, but there is a way out. I would recommend making friends (yes, I mean just friends) with as many gay black men as you can find, so you can mentally weed out this one creep as being a unique and single asshole. Mine was a middle aged white guy, and this was how I stopped hating white men, so it is through experience that I say this. Sure, I still feel more comfortable around mixed race people, but I would be cutting out a large portion of the population if I hadn't addressed my resentments against my assailant. Of course, this has to be done in the appropriate time, and only you can know when that will be, so don't push yourself beyond what you feel ready to handle. I hope you know you have a warm group of friends here who would love to show you how real friends treat each other, so stick around and warm your hands by the fire with us! Jana
     
  16. txquis

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    Similar things happened to me too,
    which is why i did NOT want to act on my gay feelings....any gay sex thing gave me flashbacks to something i did not want to focus on.

    I think Madame is right, one on one counseling can set a person free from this and let the wounds finally heal.

    Cheers to you.
     
  17. Kimahri

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    Thanks for the info / support gang. I feel a bit better getting it out though. Lots of denial over the years. It was always like...I survived the projects and the streets only to get screwed by some random jerk.

    I'd never put much time into addresssing it in therapy, but it certainly seems it's come time to do so.

    Thanks.
     
  18. Imported

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    Herble:
    WHAT you didnt talk to me bitch!! I'm your brother, eh how upsetting LOL. I didn't read the entire thread but I had problems in the beggining acting on my "gay" appitite cause I thought I would get disowned (however very wrong I was about that) by ny family. And I had been raped by a guy when I was 10. So if you ever want to talk about your feelings let me know :)

    Herb
     
  19. taven

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    I was raped when I was about 4 yrs. old. There was bleeding and panic on my part that I would be found out, but I managed to keep it hidden. The kid who did it died in his late teens. I think this means his statute of limitations has expired. Actually, it had little to do with my sexuality as I grew up, but I was always insecure and afraid of total rejection by my family if they found out. What I did end up believing also was that God knew, and I was permanently unacceptable. This attitude probably also contributed to my being shy for too many years and my current ability to blow up if people piss me off now.
     
  20. taven

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    I've thought about this a lot in the last month, and have wondered what comments might be made about my own post here. I don't usually have time or inclination to say much, partially because I tend to be reserved about personal issues. Anyway, I realize that the experience has affected me much more than I have ever admitted before and am trying to come to grips with the reality of the mess I've made of my life.
     
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